Alien Express (2005) (TV)

Director:

Turi Meyer

Writers:

Tom Alexander (story)
Brian Smith (writer)

Release Date:

13 August 2005 (USA)

Genre:

Horror | Sci-Fi

Tagline:

America's Newest Bullet Train Just Got On The Fast Track To Disaster

Plot:

A new super train is built when a meteorite crashes near by, releasing a tiny creature. Once it kills and consumes everyone on board the train, it begins to grow and multiply into hordes of different creatures. |

Cast

Lou Diamond Phillips	...	Vic Holden
rest of cast listed alphabetically:
Sean Bott	...	Russell
Steven Brand	...	Paul Fitzpatrick
Todd Bridges	...	Peter
Kellie Brothersen	...	Miss Utah
Barry Corbin	...	Senator Frank Rawlings
Derrick Costa	...	Alien
Joseph Hamilton	...	Sam
Amy Locane	...	Rosie Holden
Stephen Rippey	...	Robert
Steffanie Sampson	...	Gina (as Steffanie Thomas)
Scott Vandiver	...	Scotter

Also Known As:

Dead Rail (USA) (working title)

Runtime:

USA:120 min

Country:

USA

Language:

English

Color:

Color

Certification:

USA:Not Rated

Filming Locations:

Ogden, Utah, USA

Company:

Dead Rail Productions Inc.

Goofs:

Errors made by characters (possibly deliberate errors by the filmmakers): An express train traveling at 70mph that is closing from 100 miles behind on a cargo train traveling at 15mph in the same direction will take 109 minutes to reach it not the 58 minutes that Gina calculates.

Only Beavis and Butt-Head would like this movie...

"Eh-heh eh-heh hey, dude - look at these aliens. They're like - biting the humans and stuff! Eh-heh eh-heh eh-heh"

This must rank amongst the worst movies of all time. It's utter drivel for anyone with a modicum of a brain. Sure, you have the reviewers on the payroll who give glowing reviews and vote highly for this abomination but it's easy to tell who these sell-outs are. Their reviews are TOO good. To give a movie like this even a mediocre review claiming it had some B-movie remedial appeal would be a glowing review! Calling this a great movie tips the hands of the corporate shills.

But enough of that.

This movie had about all the bad characteristics a movie can have without being SO bad that it's enjoyable just to laugh at. The old Japanese 60's monster films had a quality that this movie lacked. At least in those 60's films you could laugh at just how bad the rubber monster suit looked. Or laugh at seeing the strings holding the space ships, how the models dangled on the strings and how the flames curved UPWARDS out of the back. Those movies made fun of how BAD they were. Alien Express (aka Dead Rail) seems to actually think of itself as a GOOD movie - which makes it incredibly absurd.

The effects were awful by today's standards. Beyond awful. However not quite as bad as the 60's monster movies hence they lacked the comedic appeal. The plot and dialogue were about as sophomoric as I've ever seen, made even worse by being every bit as predictable as you might expect. I won't even point out the plot and logic holes in this one; it just wouldn't be fair to this pitiable plot (plus it would take to long to even get started). Most of the acting was awful; Lou Diamond Phillips must have been very desperate to agree to touch this one.

SciFi Channel is rapidly becoming the "cheap thrills channel", producing movie after movie without an iota of concept or intelligence in the lot. I can only wonder - why bother?

Don't bother with this tripe. It doesn't get any worse.