Cassie Munro: Maybe we can feed Carl to the raccoon.
Carl Munro: Maybe we can feed him you, he might be on the south bitch diet.
Bob Munro: That's a good one son.
Bob Munro: [about Travis Gornicke] Whenever a big white man picks up a banjo, my cheeks tighten.
Marie Jo Gornicke: Do you wanna hear about the time Jesus saved us from a tornado?
Earl Gornicke: So, do you have a boyfriend?
Cassie Munro: Yeah, actually, I'm engaged.
Earl Gornicke: Unlikely.
Bob Munro: [angrily] We watch TV in four separate rooms and IM each other when dinner is ready.
Cassie, age 5: Daddy?
Bob Munro: Yeah, baby?
Cassie, age 5: I'm never gonna get married.
Bob Munro: Why not? It's not as bad as it looks.
Cassie, age 5: Because I always want to live here with you.
Bob Munro: Well, you know, one day, you're gonna grow up, meet a wonderful guy, and you're gonna get married. But you and I will always be best friends.
Cassie Munro: [Scene switch] Dad, could you be any more of a dork?
Bob Munro: Cassie, you know where this girl lives or you just think you know?
Cassie Munro: I know where, I just know one way to get there. And you refuse to go that way.
Bob Munro: Because it's a stupid way.
Jamie Munro: You're lost, aren't you?
Bob Munro: Yes I'm lost, because our daughter doesn't know where her friend's house it. She knows it's next to the house with the fountain.
[Bob is sitting on the toilet]
Billy Gornicke: You got a nice one.
Bob Munro: What?
Billy Gornicke: You got a nice laptop.
Carl Munro: Does anybody have a vomit bag?
Jamie Munro: You sick?
Carl Munro: Big time. Cassie and Earl are making out.
Bob Munro: [Really needs to use the toilet] I've got an ICBM coming!
[Mutters to himself]
Bob Munro: If there's a poop fairy, I can make a lot of money.
Cassie Munro: Mom, some idiot just parked this ugly RV outside our house.
Jamie Munro: What?
Cassie Munro: Oh, my God, it's your husband.
Bob Munro: Welcome aboard, everybody. Before we embark, I think we should give this beauty a name. Suggestions?
Cassie Munro: The Big Turd.
Carl Munro: The Big Rolling Turd?
Bob Munro: In that spirit, we set forth.
Cassie Munro: This is the worst I've ever been treated.
Jamie Munro: Wait till you get married.
Jamie Munro: I feel like that hitchhiker in The Twilight Zone.
Cassie Munro: What do they like about us? We're not even that appealing.
Cassie Munro: Dad.
Bob Munro: Yeah?
Cassie Munro: I get it.
Bob Munro: What?
Cassie Munro: Sometimes if you want to succceed, you have to do what they tell you.
Bob Munro: So where do you park your hat?
Travis Gornicke: Behind that wheel there, that's our bus.
Jamie Munro: Well then how do Moon, Earl and... not Earl go to school?
Marie Jo Gornicke: Home schooling.
Bob Munro: This next question may seem personal but how do you...
Travis Gornicke: Make a living? Well let's see, we got $25,000 when we turned in Mary Jo's stepfather.
Marie Jo Gornicke: In prison he's getting the help he needs.
Bob Munro: What are you doing up so late?
Billy Gornicke: I have a sleep disorder, I haven't slept since I was five.
Scruffy Teenager: [the Gornickes throw the teenager off their bus after finding out he has Bob's laptop] I didn't steal it, I found it!
Marie Jo Gornicke: Well now you just lost it!
Bob Munro: [after taking a sudden and far swerve to get away from the Gornickes] Where did you learn to drive like that?
Jamie Munro: How do you think I get the kids to school on time?
Carl Munro: I think I pulled a muscle.
Moon Gornicke: Where?
Carl Munro: In the woods.
Cassie Munro: What happened to Hawaii?
Bob Munro: Come on, Hawaii's a winter destination. It's summer. The place I'm taking you is special, and not Iike Uncle Mike. It's Lake Nirvana, where I went with my parents as a kid.
Cassie Munro: Is he being funny? Because I can never tell.
Carl Munro: [to wannabee gangsters] Why dont you trade that thing above your neck for a face.
Bob Munro: [to wannabee gangsters] Yo, my mobile home boys. What's craking in the wood... Don't make me call my lawyer cause I'll audit...
Bob Munro: Yo, my mobile-homeboys, what's trippin' in the wood?
Hip Hop Wannabe: This termite belong to you?
Bob Munro: Yo, my man said...
Carl Munro: [gets mad] Don't call him...
Bob Munro: [restraints Carl] Easy! This my man C, he small but ferocious, but you dogs, you hardcore, where you from?
Hip Hop Wannabe: Scottsdale!
Bob Munro: Scottsdale! In the zoner, ya'll that's a hardcore hood, but you want take on my man C here, go ahead because you know, he's fierce, he gonna come up in your face he gonna major damage you, you gonna walk away maybe limp but I say talk to the hand, call waiting, 'cause he's out, boy is ou... I can't restrains him 'cause I'm conversatin' you right now to give him a chance to cool down, to get back to a realistic level, as it were because we could be chillin' in our crib, not just on this mobile home thing, representing Malibu, and Westwood, you know. Mallin' it like we all can, boys to mensh, pimp my Mercedes, call me back, put you on hold, you know what I'm sayin'?
Hip Hop Wannabe: Er... we gotta go.
Bob Munro: Mm-hmm, you better, man, don't make me call my lawyer, 'cause I'll audit!
Joe Joe: [looks down the Munros' waste pipe] Fire in the hole!
[throws a bucket of water in the toilet, then ducks out of the way. Subsequently the Munros' waste shoots up like a geyser]
Travis Gornicke: Tuesday's meatloaf, after that we're goin' to sit around and watch "Ernest Goes To Jail".
Billy Gornicke: It is Fuuuu-nny!
Bob Munro: It's a classic!...
Bob Munro: [holds high the waste hoses with a Y-adapter as Howie instructed him to in order for the waste to not spill out the top]
Bob Munro: You sure this is going to work?
Howie: Yeah, man, it's basic hydraulics.
Bob Munro: Ok, Archimedes.
Cassie Munro: Why can't we just give it Carl and maybe he'll eat it and leave.
Carl Munro: Why don't we feed him you, maybe he's on a south bitch diet.
Bob Munro: [a raccoon has invaded their RV; Bob is trying to muster the family to help him get rid of it] See what the raccoon is doing? Playing head games. He wants to divide and conquer us. We have to hang together. Stay strong!
Jamie Munro: [Impassively] Just get rid of it.
Bob Munro: Just me?
Jamie Munro: Yeah.
Bob Munro: Okay...
[Meekly heads back into the RV, alone]
Bob Munro: [On the mountain bike, riding back to the corporate meeting] I'm gonna' lose my job. Hope the kids like selling fruit on the freeway... I'm gonna' be unemployed. I'm gonna' have to sell my liver for cash.
Bob Munro: [Disheveled and dirty from having ridden through the wilderness to the meeting on the mountain bike] Hi everybody... Sorry I'm late. I... I just came down that mountain... Next time I'll use a road. I guess you guys didn't get the memo about "extreme" casual.
Bob Munro: [Referring to the dirt smeared over his clothes] I love your wilderness so much, I decided to wear it.
Bob Munro: Hey, check this out. It's called the "pop-out."
Bob Munro: [starts to open the pop-out] Whoa, where are you?
Bob Munro: How cool was that?
Cassie Munro: [sarcastically] Macarena cool.