Richard Jeni: A Big Steaming Pile of Me (2005 TV Special)

Richard Jeni: Self

Quotes 

• Richard Jeni : [his slogan to fight anti-Americanism]  America - 20 Million Illegal Immigrants Can't Be Wrong!

• Richard Jeni : We're all a little bit hypocritical and we could all help people more than we do. You know you're sitting there watching TV, it's late at night. Then you hear: "For $9 a week, you could help this starving child." Everyone has the $9, but how do you not give it to them? You gotta rationalize it somehow. You just go, "Ehh that kid doesn't look that hungry to me. Shit he's got a bigger belly than I do. How you can you feed a kid for $9 a week, that's impossible! Shit a Low-Fat, Low Carb latte is $4.50. Whats that kid gonna do with 2 giant cups of coffee? I'm actually doing him a favor not giving him any money, because there's nothing worse than being wide awake and starving. You're welcome Haboopoo."

• Richard Jeni : Making this crowd happy is the second easiest job you could ever have. First easiest... whoever gets to put Michael Jackson in a witness chair and create "reasonable doubt." How hard can that be? I don't even have a law degree and I think *I* could get Michael Jackson, y'know? I would just go "ladies and gentlemen of the jury... there he is! That's all I have. Y'all get a good look at my boy? See if you think he's capable of anything out of the ordinary. There he is." But it's a tough thing to prosecute Michael Jackson, y'know? Because everyone's entitled to a jury of their peers! You could run the vaccuum up and down the gene pool 24/7 without suckin' up *this* much of whatever *that* has become. He has no peers. He's peerless. So why am I pickin' on poor little mutated Michael Jackson? Because Michael Jackson is a cautionary tale for the rest of us, folks. Michael Jackson is what happens when you keep fixin' it until it's broke!

• Richard Jeni : I was on a show and they go, "Richard, you're a comedian, what's it like flying around with all the extra security?" And I said, "I don't like flying anymore. If there's two things I cannot tolerate it's the disgraceful act of racial profiling... and guys wearing turbans on my flight! Those are the two! Yeah!" And right then is when the Turban-Americans went to the computer and sent me the death threats. Email after email: "Dear little punkfaggot, you'd better sleep with one eye open 'cause you're dead from now on! Just because you wear a turban it doesn't mean that you're a terrorist." I know it doesn't mean you're a terrorist! All I'm saying is can you please not wear it for the three shitty hours we're trapped on an airplane? Are ya keepin' up with the news? You're making everybody nervous! When ya get off the plane, make up for the lack of turban. Go to Bed, Bath & Beyond and just get yourself a turban that is so high in the air that you can't even walk down the street without tickling Allah's nut-sack!

• Richard Jeni : She'll be sitting there, and I'll be driving, and she'll be with me. And she'll be making me so wonderfully... beautifully... fucking tense! That after a while, during the drive, you can feel your colon pop out of your ass, come up your back, and start twisting itself into a noose around your throat. Because why would you want to drive alone, like a masterbating loser, when you can have the woman next to you, pointing out shit she thinks you're just about to crash into? And making it all the more likely that you will crash the fucking car? 'Cause she keeps scaring the shit out of you by suddenly and out of nowhere making this noise:

  [gasp] 

• Richard Jeni : You don't want to be alone like a masterbating loser, when you can have the woman next to you in the car, cranking out non-stop, real-time, updated traffic information. It's like having a brand-new radio station.

  [deep voice] 

  Richard Jeni : You're listening to all-driving-complaint-radio. Bustin' your balls from the driveway to the highway. You get all the great hits: Your exit's coming up. Your exit's coming up. Your exit's coming up. Your exit's coming up. And after a while you're going, 'Yeah, well, so is yours.'

• Richard Jeni : Attention eyeballs: This is the brain. Mayday, mayday, mayday. We have two giant bazooms closing from the south. Do not engage, repeat: Do not engage. She's drinking red wine, and there's PMS. We are at DEFCON 3. I say again: two bouncing honkers are closing. Chest size: three-niner. Cup size: David, David,

  [reads report] 

  Richard Jeni : David. Do not engage those tits.

• Richard Jeni : When you talk to the manhood, mark your tone well. 'Cause if the manhood's insulted, then the manhood can't swell. If he doesn't feel strong, and he doesn't feel stout, then he'll sulk and he'll pout, and he'll never come out. So if you want that love to continue to thrive, Ladies, sit there, shut up, and let the dick drive.