Season 1, Episode 1: Firsts1 March 2005
Shirley visits the vets and informs several pet owners what their animal's grievances are. It's the first heat of Spirit Academy. Ripping off the Pop Idol auditions format, Shirley searches for the UK's next psychic superstar. The Paranormalists: Shirley's apprentice Ian Jackson (Marc playing another character) learns about Rumpology - the ability to predict the future whilst looking at someone's bum. The other side of Shirley Ghostman: A short and rare insight into the personal life of the psychic. Whilst having a manicure Shirley explains how he became a medium and how Sheba became his spirit guide. He also advises a woman not to let her friends marry as he senses a lot of negativity. Shirley channels Princess Diana. She reveals her feelings on her death and the people she left behind when she passed on. A is for afterlife as we learn about the psychic A - Z. Shirley finishes his first show by singing a song by Roy Orbison who channelled it through him the previous week. It's entitled 'Lovely Lady' and sounds remarkably like 'Pretty Woman'.
8 March 2005
Shirley discovers his audience has psychic potential. Shirley gives the best wedding present of all to several couples before they take their vows - a graphic and scary insight into their futures. Its round two of the Spirit Academy auditions. Shirley is joined by Princess Diana and Jimi Hendrix in spirit form on the judging panel. Shirley challenges the contestants to channel the spirits of dead celebrities in order to win a place at Spirit Academy. The Paranormalists: Shirley's apprentice Colin Reynolds (Marc playing another character) entertains a group of OAP's by demonstrating his shape shifting abilities whilst swigging lager. D is for death as we continue to learn about the psychic A - Z. Shirley attempts to break a world record by seeing how many audience readings he can do in one minute. Shirley Vs The Sceptics: Shirley confronts Professor Christopher French, a sceptic of the paranormal. The meeting becomes heated and Christopher asks the crew if filming can be stopped but they decide the meeting should start again from the beginning. Shirley exploits personal information given by Christopher in the first take to make him sound more accurate in the second take of filming. Shirley performs 'Shirley Superstar', A song which Shirley says was written for him by Bob Marley. Shirley finishes the show by disappearing in a poof of smoke.
15 March 2005
The BBC forces Shirley to apologise on TV to Mrs Oxley. Shirley gave Mrs Oxley a reading and she complained that he'd stolen words from the obituary of a newspaper and used them in the reading. Shirley offers career advice to several people and informs them what he sees of their future occupations. Kininla, Chrissy, Erol, Stella, Kim, Joel, Sylvia and Maria are the unlucky eight to win a place at Spirit Academy. The contestants learn they only have a blanket or mattress to sleep on and only get their dinner if they can predict what it is using their psychic abilities. The Paranormalists: Shirley's Dictaphone wielding apprentice Alf Szczurek (Marc playing another character) is an exorcist and offers his services to householder Louise and her half painted home. After much ghost hunting and sexual talk down his Dictaphone, Alf traps Louise's troublesome ghost in a jam jar. C is for Cat as another letter of the psychic A - Z is revealed. Shirley invites two members of the audience onto the stage to help him perform a Ouija board. Mrs Oxley's dead husband appears to come through and calls his earth bound wife a s**g. Shirley is very satisfied and ends the Ouija board. The other side of Shirley Ghostman: Fast becoming a recognisable face, Shirley buys a pair of stylish shades to hide under as he is fed up of the points and stares. He also pitches some ideas for Shirley Ghostman merchandise. Shirley channels George Frederick Handel who has composed a new piece of music through Shirley. Shirley's body is possessed by George and he conducts a choir as they sing the piece. The music turns out to be a musical dig at Mrs Oxley. Shirley magically disappears at the end of the show.
Season 1, Episode 4: Fat22 March 2005
Shirley tells the audience about a cheeky e - mail he has received from Sue in Derby concerning his weight. Shirley explains that success brings money and money brings food. Shirley uses his powers to explore people's problems using their bodies. It's the second week of term at Spirit Academy and one person has to leave. Shirley sets the contestants a tarot card challenge and observes the exercise as they give one another readings. Stella is chosen to leave Spirit Academy. The Paranormalists: Shirley's apprentice Ian Jackson (Marc playing another character) meets male witch Kevin Carlyon. They go into the woods at night and perform a ritual to rid Ian of his ghosts. The other side of Shirley Ghostman: Shirley meets a diet expert who gives him some advice on his waistline. Shirley also goes to a posh restaurant for a bite to eat with Princess Diana. Shirley points out to the waiter that he will be channelling Princess Diana hence he will have to eat both meals. Shirley eats and drinks way too much and gives his phone number to the waiter. Shirley channels Colonel Sanders who reveals the secrets to his recipes. The channelling goes too far and Shirley is quite distressed when the spirit leaves his body. B is for Baby as the psychic A - Z continues. Shirley performs 'Big Boned'. A new song by Karen Carpenter, which sounds remarkably like 'Close To You'. Shirley finishes the show by lying in a coffin and being carried away by four handsome pallbearers.
Season 1, Episode 5: Breakdown29 March 2005
Shirley shows the audience a drawing of Sheba which a viewer has sent in. Shirley points out that nowhere in the show's title is Sheba's name mentioned. He stresses the show is not a double act and sets fire to the drawing with a lighter. Shirley announces that Sheba won't be joining Shirley on the spirit side. He was forced to send the Alsatian away as she bit a baby's face off in heaven. Shirley touches objects given to him from people and gets a psychic impression of the history of the object. At Spirit Academy Shirley has detected an evil spirit. He channels it and it's revealed the spirit killed his victims by defecating in their mouths. Shirley takes the contestants on a ghost hunt around the grounds to set the spirit free. Chrissy is booted out of Spirit Academy as the eliminations continue. Shirley's psychic abilities are fading fast without Sheba's help and he shouts at a member of the audience. The Paranormalists: Shirley's lager swigging apprentice Colin Reynolds, (Marc playing another character) unleashes his shape shifting show - Human Zoo, on an audience of all ages in a club. Shirley Vs The Sceptics: Shirley confronts Wendy Grossman, founder of The Skeptic Magazine. Shirley meets his match in Wendy and resorts to personal insults to save face. Shirley proclaims he has won another battle with the Sceptics but Wendy brands him delusional. Shirley asks the audience for shushy in order to channel Adam, from Adam and Eve. Shirley is confident he can perform without Sheba but the channelling doesn't work. Shirley is reduced to tears and asks the audience to give him time and to stop laughing at him. M is for Mind as another letter of the psychic A - Z is revealed. Shirley performs 'A Little More Shirley Ghostman', a song channelled through him by Elvis Presley. The song sounds just like 'A Little Less conversation'. Shirley finishes the show by riding away on a small Unicorn.
Season 1, Episode 6: The Award5 April 2005
Shirley swigs from a bottle of champagne and has a trophy in his hand. He tells the audience he has won the best international TV psychic award. His prize looks like a football trophy though. Shirley visits Harrow Borough F.C. and trains the team from a psychic's point of view. The team don't take kindly to Shirley's tips and advice though and constantly mock him throughout training. Shirley storms off the pitch when one player kicks a ball at him. Shirley teaches the Spirit Academy contestants how to deal with troublesome spirits. Kim is voted out of Spirit Academy in the first of two vote offs. Shirley sets the contestants the task of producing ectoplasm. Maria produces the most and is rewarded for her effort by being able to vote off a second contestant. She chooses Erol to leave. Shirley asks which member of the audience has broken wind. The Paranormalists: Shirley's apprentice Ian Jackson (Marc playing another character) meets Gaynor Fairweather, a Shamanic Trance Dancer. She teaches Ian an ancient dance involving spirit animals. Ian becomes over excited and channels animals out of Hollywood blockbusters. Ian jumps off a table and hurts his leg. G is for Ghosts as the psychic A - Z continues to reveal itself. Shirley channels Frank Sinatra. He warns the audience not to mess with him and not to make fun of Shirley. Frank shows his dark side and threatens to kill the audience. The other side of Shirley Ghostman: Shirley visits a hypnotherapist and joins a gym in order to get back in shape. Although Shirley has a gym instructor, he takes a shine to another instructor and insists he do a work out with him. Shirley is still channelling Frank Sinatra. He finishes the show by performing a gay version of New York, New York. Shirley finishes the show by speeding away on a motorcycle.
Season 1, Episode 7: Sex12 April 2005
Shirley tells the audience he is cooking on gas in tonight's show. Shirley visits Vauxhall City Farm and talks to the animals. He tells the farm owner that his animals are cracking jokes to one another and that one of the horses wants to visit Brazil. At Spirit Academy the final four contestants have to fight for a place in next weeks final. Shirley challenges the contestant's abilities to channel spirits on mass. Kininla is voted out of Spirit Academy. Shirley is drawn to two members of the audience, a young man and an older lady. The spirits tell Shirley they're a couple and are having problems in the relationship. After some words of advice from Shirley, the young man tells Shirley they don't know one another. Shirley changes tack and says the spirits are telling him they shouldn't be a couple anyway as they are not suited. Shirley's apprentice Ian Jackson (Marc playing another character) meets Bernard Ilsley, an Extra - Terrestrial Medium. Bernard channels an alien so Ian can ask some questions. Ian is hoping his dead parents will come through but the alien says this is not possible. X is for Xylophones as the penultimate psychic A - Z is revealed. Shirley invites a young man from the audience to join him on stage whilst he channels a spirit. Shirley's body is taken over by Marilyn Monroe. As Marilyn, Shirley seductively flaunts his body in the face of the young man and sings Happy Birthday. Much of the audience are reduced to tears of laughter as they watch. Shirley gets his body back and leaps up from the young man's lap in shock. Last Days: Shirley conducts an experiment which will tell him how a celebrity will meet their maker. Shirley glues on a beard and becomes Richard Branson. Unleashed onto the streets as Richard, Shirley decides he needs to break some records. Including 'talking out of arse', 'head tapping', and 'spinning'. The final record, 'glass gherkin eating' leaves Shirley spitting blood and Richard dead. Shirley performs 'God Is The King', a new song by Freddie Mercury. Shirley is joined on stage by some sexy dancers.
19 April 2005
A radio controlled car rides onto the stage with a small teddy sitting on it in the form of a dog. Shirley says it's his spirit guide Sheba. It's the grand final of Spirit Academy and the finalists are set for their biggest challenge to date, a psychic assault course. After a messy assault course involving readings and bobbing for stars in a paddling pool of gunge, Maria is crowned the winner of Spirit Academy and is presented with an award in the shape of a coffin. Shirley Vs The Sceptics: Shirley confronts Nick Pullar, manager of Sceptics in the Pub - a group that meets in London. Shirley is hopeful of proving his powers to Nick by doing a test. Nick has drawn a picture on a piece of paper and Shirley will hopefully replicate it. Shirley reluctantly opens his paper first, he has drawn multiple pictures on it. Nick has drawn the pie symbol on his paper. Shirley defends his error by claiming that if you do some calculations, his pictures do mean pie. Shirley presents his new quiz show idea to the audience - a game show about events in the world that haven't yet happened. Two members of the audience take part in the game, the audience don't seem impressed with the idea. The Paranormalists: Shirley's Dictaphone wielding apprentice Alf Szczurek (Marc playing another character) meets Paula at her haunted home. Alf is confident he will be able to rid Paula's home of the ghost. Alf says there is the spirit of a girl in the house. After much procrastination involving coffee, food and sexual talk about Paula down his Dictaphone, Alf traps the spirit in a tiny jar after a dramatic ghost hunt. E is for Evil as the final psychic A - Z is revealed. Shirley is going to stop his heart in order to visit the other side. He is joined on stage by Mark, a member of the audience who will bring him back to life with a defibrillator. Shirley is also joined on stage by Val, who will monitor his heartbeat. Shirley injects a drug into his arm that will incur cardiac arrest. He lies down and the heart machine flat lines. The audience watch on in horror as nothing happens. The screen fades to white - It is announced that Shirley could not be bought back to life. A short montage of previous episode clips ensues with Shirley singing in the background. The heart machine flat lining can be heard again and at the last second we see the heart machine, it beeps. R.I.P Shirley Ghostman?
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