Ramona V. Flowers: We all have baggage.
Stacey Pilgrim: Next time, we don't date the girl with eleven evil ex-boyfriends.
Scott Pilgrim: It's seven.
Stacey Pilgrim: Oh, well, that's not that bad.
Todd Ingram: Tell it to the cleaning lady on Monday.
Scott Pilgrim: What?
Todd Ingram: Because you'll be dust by Monday... because you'll be pulverized in two seconds. The cleaning lady? She cleans up... dust. She dusts.
Scott Pilgrim: So, what's on Monday?
Todd Ingram: 'Cause... it's Friday now, she's the weekends off, so... Monday, right?"
Envy Adams: Basically, you can't win this fight, so you better give up on this girl, 'cause Todd's gonna kill you.
Scott Pilgrim: You used to be so nice!
[Runs towards Todd Ingram, who holds his hand up and lifts him a foot into the air with his mind powers, then hurls him through a brick wall]
Stephen Stills: Um, Scott, we're gonna go to Pizza-pizza for a slice, call us when you're done...
[He and Kim walk off]
Envy Adams: Oh, he'll be done, real soon...
Todd Ingram: [a long bass note is played from the hole] Sounds like someone wants to get... funky.
Roxy Richter: You punched me in the boob! Prepare to die, obviously!
Kim Pine: Scott, if your life had a face, I would punch it.
Scott Pilgrim: Hahahaha... wait, what?
Kim Pine: I mean, are you really happy or really evil?
Scott Pilgrim: Evil? You mean, do I have, like, ulterior motives? I'm offended, Kim.
Kim Pine: Wounded, even?
Scott Pilgrim: Hurt, Kim.
Kim Pine: That... was *epic.*
Scott Pilgrim: [from trailer] You know her?
Ramona V. Flowers: It was just a phase.
Scott Pilgrim: You had a sexy phase?
Ramona V. Flowers: I was just a litte bi-curious.
Roxy Richter: I'm just a little bi-furious!
[Lucas has just punched Scott to the ground. He turns to Ramona]
Lucas Lee: 'Sup? How's life? He seems nice.
Wallace Wells: If you want something bad, you have to fight for it. Step up your game, Scott. Break out the L-word.
Scott Pilgrim: Lesbian?
Wallace Wells: The other L-word.
Scott Pilgrim: ...Lesbians?
Envy Adams: You just headbutted my boyfriend so hard he burst.
Gideon Gordon Graves: You made me swallow my gum! That's going to be in my digestive tract for seven years!
Wallace Wells: Okay, presumeably, you may have just seen a dude's junk, and I'm very sorry for that... so is he.
Scott Pilgrim: You're pretentious, this club sucks, I have beef. Let's do it.
Stacey Pilgrim: You should break up with your fake highschool girlfriend!
Scott Pilgrim: Wait who told you?
Stacey Pilgrim: Wallace.
Scott Pilgrim: He's not even conscious!
Ramona V. Flowers: This is good garlic bread.
Scott Pilgrim: Yeah, I think garlic bread would have to be my favourite all-time food. I could eat it for every meal. Or just constantly, without stopping.
Ramona V. Flowers: Then you'd get fat.
Scott Pilgrim: No, why would I get fat?
Ramona V. Flowers: Because bread makes you fat.
Scott Pilgrim: Bread makes you fat?
Scott Pilgrim: That's it! You cocky cock! You'll pay for your crimes against humanity.
Todd Ingram: I partake not in the meat, nor the breastmilk, nor the ovum, of any creature, with a face.
Hipster Bouncer: What's the password?
Scott Pilgrim: Uh... whatever...
Hipster Bouncer: Cool...
Wallace Wells: Kick her in the balls!
Scott Pilgrim: Wait! We're fighting over Ramona?
Matthew Patel: Didn't you get my email explaining the situation?
Scott Pilgrim: I skimmed it.
Wallace Wells: [shaking head] Mm-mm.
Matthew Patel: You will pay for your insolence!
Scott Pilgrim: So what you're saying is we're dating?
Ramona V. Flowers: I guess.
Scott Pilgrim: Does that mean we can make out?
Ramona V. Flowers: Sure.
Young Neil: He punched the highlights out of her hair!
Scott Pilgrim: We are Sex Bob-Omb and we are here to make you think about death and get sad and stuff.
Scott Pilgrim: I said lesbians.
Wallace Wells: What a perfect asshole.
Crash: This song is called "I Am So Sad. I Am So Very Very Sad." It goes like this.
Crash: [the song last only a couple of seconds] Thank you.
Wallace Wells: [yelling out] It's not a race, guys!
Crash: [annoyed] Ok this next song goes out to the guy who keeps yelling from the balcony. It's called "We Hate You, Please Die."
Wallace Wells: Sweet!
Wallace Wells: I love this song!
[Ramona approaches Gideon seductively]
Gideon Gordon Graves: Yeah. Still my girl.
Ramona V. Flowers: Let's both be girls.
[She knees him in the groin]
Lucas Lee: The only thing separating me from her is the two minutes it's gonna take to kick your ass.
Scott Pilgrim: I have to pee.
Kim Pine: We are Sex Bob-Omb! And we're here to watch Scott Pilgrim kick your teeth in! One-two-three-four!
Knives Chau: Go ahead. I'm too cool for you anyway.
Scott Pilgrim: If I peed my pants would you pretend that I just got wet from the rain?
Roxy Richter: [while preparing to slay Scott Pilgrim] Every Pilgrim reaches the end of it's journey... some sooner than others.
Knives Chau: [talking to Ramona Flowers] You broke the heart that broke mine.
Gideon Gordon Graves: [talking to Scott Pilgrim] Well, if my cathedral of cutting-edge taste holds no interest for your tragically Canadian sensibilities, then I shall be forced to grant you a swift exit from the premises... and a fast entrance into hell!
Scott Pilgrim: Hey so, can this not be a one-night stand? For one thing I didn't even get any. That was a joke.
Ramona V. Flowers: What did you have in mind?
Scott Pilgrim: Oh, come to this first round of this battle of the bands thing.
Ramona V. Flowers: You have a band?
Scott Pilgrim: Yeah, we're terrible. Please come.
Ramona V. Flowers: [sighs] Sure.
Scott Pilgrim: Oh wait, can I get your number?
Ramona V. Flowers: Here.
Scott Pilgrim: Wow... girl number...
Ramona V. Flowers: See you at the show Scott Pilgrim.
Scott Pilgrim: Oh hey it's tonight! At the...
Scott Pilgrim: I have to go pee due to boredom.
Roxy Richter: Your BF's about to get eff'd in the b!
Kim Pine: Scott Pilgrim, you're the salt of the earth.
Scott Pilgrim: Thanks, Kim.
Kim Pine: I meant "scum" of the earth.
Wallace Wells: Look, I didn't write the gay handbook. If you got a problem with it, take it up with Liberace's ghost.
Computer: You've got mail.
Scott Pilgrim: [Turns To Wallace] Dude, this thing claims I have mail.
Wallace Wells: [groggily] It's amazing what we can do with computers these days.
Scott Pilgrim: [Turns back] Dude, now I'm totally reading it.
Wallace Wells: [sarcastic] I'm so happy for you.
Envy Adams: You are incorrigible.
Todd Ingram: I don't know the meaning of the word.
Text: He really doesn't.
Scott Pilgrim: I don't think I can hit a girl. They're soft.
Todd Ingram: We have an unfinished business. I and he.
Scott Pilgrim: He and me.
Todd Ingram: Don't you talk to me about grammar!
Wallace Wells: Hey, what's up with his outfit?
Guy in Crowd: Yeah, is he a pirate?
Scott Pilgrim: Are you a pirate?
Matthew Patel: Pirates are in this year!
Gideon Gordon Graves: Do you have any idea how long it took me to get all the evil exes' contact information so I could form this stupid league? Like, two hours! *Two hours!*
Lucas Lee: Prepare to feel the wrath of the League of the Evil Exes.
Kim Pine: [unenthusiastically] We are Sex Bob-omb. We are here to sell out and make money and stuff.
Scott Pilgrim: I'm in lesbians with you.
Ramona V. Flowers: What kind of tea do you want?
Scott Pilgrim: There's more than one kind?
Ramona V. Flowers: We have blueberry, raspberry, ginseng, sleepy time, green tea, green tea with lemon, green tea with lemon and honey, liver disaster, ginger with honey, ginger without honey, vanilla almond, white truffel, blueberry chamomile, vanilla walnut, constant comment and... earl grey.
Scott Pilgrim: Did you make some of those up?
Ramona V. Flowers: [after defending Scott from Roxy] Do that again, and I will end you!
Roxy Richter: Oh I'd love to postpone, but I just cashed in my last rain check.
Scott Pilgrim: Where's that from?
Roxy Richter: My brain!
Kim Pine: Believe it or not I used to date Scott in high school.
Ramona V. Flowers: Oh? Do you have any embarrassing stories?
Kim Pine: [laughs sarcastically] Yeah... he's an idiot!
Matthew Patel: This is impossible. How can this be?
Scott Pilgrim: Open your eyes. Maybe you'll see!
Knives Chau: [to Ramona] Steal my boyfriend, taste my steel!
Scott Pilgrim: Ciao Knives!
Scott Pilgrim: When I'm around you, I kind of feel like I'm on drugs. Not that I do drugs. Unless you do drugs, in which case I do them all the time. All of them.
Stacey Pilgrim: [Scott has just broken up with Ramona] Did you really see a future with this girl?
Scott Pilgrim: Like... with jet-packs?
Knives Chau: Hey Scott!
Scott Pilgrim: What the hell...
Ramona V. Flowers: Who is that girl again?
Stephen Stills: Scott dated her.
Scott Pilgrim: Briefly.
Ramona V. Flowers: How old is she?
Scott Pilgrim: Uhhhhhhhh...
[the camera goes into his head. We see a wheel listing various thoughts. The arrow gets stuck between "I gotta pee" and "Who, her?"]
Scott Pilgrim: I gotta pee on her!... I mean, I gotta pee. Pee time.
Wallace Wells: You doing okay there?
Scott Pilgrim: Yeah, good, good, good. She changed her hair.
Wallace Wells: So, it looks nice blue!
Scott Pilgrim: Yeah I know, but she did it without making a big deal out of it or anything... She's fickle, impulsive, spontaneous... God what am I going to do?
Stephen Stills: Oh god!... oh man! This is a nightmare! Is this a nightmare? Wake up, wake up, wake up, wake up...!
Scott Pilgrim: It's just nerves!
Kim Pine: Once we're on stage, you'll be fine.
Stephen Stills: We were just on stage for sound check, and the sound guy hated us!
Stephen Stills: Level with me... did we suck?
Ramona V. Flowers: I don't know... did you?
Stephen Stills: ...she has to go. She knows we suck.
Ramona V. Flowers: Well, it was nice to meet you and tell your gay friends I will see them later.
Stacey Pilgrim: Gay friends?
[Wallace and Jimmy are making out]
Stacey Pilgrim: Wallace? Again?
Stacey Pilgrim: 17-year-old? Scandal.
Scott Pilgrim: Who told you.
Stacey Pilgrim: Wallace, duh.
Scott Pilgrim: That gossipy bitch.
Wallace Wells: [on the phone listening] You know me.
Knives Chau: What do you play?
Young Neil: Wow, ummm... Zelda... Tetris... that's kind of a big question.
Wallace Wells: I want to have his adopted babies.
Stephen Stills: I have distressing news.
Kim Pine: Is the news that we suck, because I really don't think I can take it.
Scott Pilgrim: You know what really sucks?
[Spells out "sux" with refrigerator magnets]
Wallace Wells: What?
Scott Pilgrim: [Rotates a magnet numeral 8 on its side, the mathematical symbol for infinity] Everything...
Ramona V. Flowers: Listen, I know I can be hard to be around sometimes. I totally understand if you don't want to hang anymore.
Scott Pilgrim: No, no, I want to hang. It's... You know, the whole evil ex-boyfriend thing...
Ramona V. Flowers: Exes...
Scott Pilgrim: It's no biggie. Um. You know, I know it's early, but I don't think anything can get in the way of how I SHIT!
[Camera cuts to Scott's ex standing behind Ramona]
Scott Pilgrim: I can not... have... tea.
Other Scott: And you didn't bang her? Are you gay?
Scott Pilgrim: I couldn't stop thinking about my stupid ex-girlfriend.
Jimmy: Is that the Uma Thurman movie?
Scott Pilgrim: Oh God!
Wallace Wells: What is it, Scott?
Scott Pilgrim: I had this totally weird dream...
Other Scott: Oh God!
Wallace Wells: What is it, Other Scott?
Other Scott: Can we skip the dream time? Color me not interested.
Scott Pilgrim: But there was this girl...
Wallace Wells: Girl...
Other Scott: Is this an envy-related dream again?
Wallace Wells: You don't use the "e" word in this house.
Crash: Good evening. My name is Crash, and these are the Boys.
Wallace Wells: [yelling out] Is that girl a boy too?
[girl drummer flips him off]
Wallace Wells: Hey Jimmy do they rock or suck?
Jimmy: They have not started playing yet...
Wallace Wells: That was a test Jimmy, and you passed.
Envy Adams: Short answer: Vegans are just better then everyone else.
Scott Pilgrim: [Roxy confronts Scott and Ramona] You know this girl?
Roxy Richter: Oh boy, does she know me.
Scott Pilgrim: [to Ramona] What is she talking about?
Roxy Richter: [to Ramona] He really doesn't know?
Scott Pilgrim: Wait...
[Gauge in Scott's head flips from "No Clue" to "Gets It"]
Wallace Wells: [to Scott] Everything does suck.
Wallace Wells: Or does it?
[picks up the phone]
Wallace Wells: Hello? Oh, hey Knives. What's that? You're outside?
[Scott stands up quickly]
Knives Chau: [Knives knocks on the front door]
[Wallis opens the door]
Knives Chau: Is Scott here?
Wallace Wells: Uh, you know what?
[Scott dives through a window behind Wallis]
Wallace Wells: He just left.
Knives Chau: Really?
Wallace Wells: Yeah.
[Scott reaches through the window and grabs his jacket]
Wallace Wells: Sorry.
[Scott runs away behind Knives]
Scott Pilgrim: I know you play mysterious and aloof just to avoid getting hurt. And I know you have reasons for not wanting talk about your past. I want you to know that I don't care about any of that stuff. Because I'm in lesbians with you.
Vegan Police: Freeze! Vegan Police!
Vegan Police: Vegan Police!
Vegan Police: Todd Ingram, you're under arrest for Veganity Violation Code Number 827: imbibing of half-and-half.
Todd Ingram: That's bullroar!
Vegan Police: No vegan diet, no vegan powers!
Todd Ingram: But-But this is only my first offense. Don't I get three strikes? I mean...
Vegan Police: [to Policeman #2] Take it.
Vegan Police: [whips out notepad] 12:47 on February 1st: You knowingly ingested gelato.
Todd Ingram: Gelato isn't vegan?
Vegan Police: It's milk and eggs, bitch.
Vegan Police: [still reading] On April 4th, 7:30 pm, you partook of a plate of chicken Parmesan.
[Envy gasps, then glares at Todd]
Todd Ingram: [feeble] Chicken isn't vegan?