The Wolf:
[
receiving a lit stick of dynamite] What kind of candles are those?
Twitchy:
[
pointing at writing on dynamite] Dee-na-mee-tay. Must be Italian.
Nicky Flippers:
Why do they call you Red?
Red:
They call me red because I wear this red hood.
Nicky Flippers:
What about when you're not wearing the hood?
Red:
[
pause] I usually wear it.
The Woodsman:
What the Schnitzel?
Granny:
Honey, don't look at your granny like that.
Red:
I'm sorry, I thought you were Triple G. Or are you the Bandit?
Det. Bill Stork:
Aw-Kward!
[
awkwardly side slips out of the room]
Granny:
You're being ridiculous Red.
Red:
I'm being ridiculous? You're off living... La Vida Loca, risking your life for some dumb thrills, and I'm supposed to stay home and be your happy little delivery girl?
Tommy:
I have a...
Nicky Flippers:
Coffee break, anyone?
Chief Grizzly:
Uh, yeah
Det. Bill Stork:
Whose got my keys?
Raccoon Jerry:
You think granny would mind if i went through her garbage?
Chief Grizzly:
Excuse us.
Granny:
I thought you were happy.
Red:
Open your eyes. I've never even been outside of the forest. Don't you think I'd want more than that?
Granny:
Of course you do. You're a Puckett.
Red:
[
sighs] I don't know what that means anymore
Nicky Flippers:
What do you do for a living, Mr. Wolf?
The Wolf:
I'm a shepherd.
[
last lines]
Red:
Mr. Flippers!
Nicky Flippers:
I see you all got my message. Glad you could make it.
Granny:
What's going on?
Nicky Flippers:
Well, I was wondering if you'd like to come and work for me? I could use some fresh talent like you.
The Wolf:
What kind of work are we talking about?
Nicky Flippers:
You'd be under cover, on impossible missions, to far away places. There's a lot of stories out there that need a happy ending. I'm part of a secret organization that makes sure that happens.
Red:
"Happily Ever After Agency"?
Nicky Flippers:
The woods don't go 'round by themselves.
Twitchy:
[
talking very fast] Yeah! Alright! Okay we fight the bad guys, we ride the ski boats, climb the walls, and swing the windows secret agent style. Right! Yeah!
Nicky Flippers:
So what do you think?
Granny:
Bring it honey!
Red:
I always did like happy endings.
Red:
Who are you ?
The Wolf:
I'm your grandma.
Red:
Your face looks really weird, granny.
The Wolf:
I've been sick, I... uh...
Red:
Your mouth doesn't move when you talk.
The Wolf:
Plastic surgery. Grandma's had a little work done.
Red:
[
about the medallion she found in Granny's drawer] Huh? What's this?
Granny:
Oh, it says "World's Greatest Grandma".
Red:
Grandma, I can read. It says "Battle of the Iron Cage Gladiators".
Granny:
It's true, I'm not like other grannies. I never did like the quilting bees and the bingo parlors. I'd rather live life to the EXTREME!
Nicky Flippers:
It would seem that all of you came together tonight by mistake.
[
walks past dog typing notes]
Nicky Flippers:
Maybe you naughty neighbors butted heads so we could get to the real truth.
The Wolf:
The Goody Bandit
Nicky Flippers:
That's right. The Bandit's still at large. There's been a lot of finger pointing tonight, but now all fingers point to the Bandit.
The Woodsman:
Not my finger!
[
quickly puts index finger in mouth and starts sucking it]
Nicky Flippers:
Oh no, you were just out damaging forest property, cutting down the redwoods we all call home.
[
the Woodsman starts spluttering]
Nicky Flippers:
Big guy like you, you could probably take whatever you want from little goody-loving creatures, couldn't you?
The Woodsman:
But someone robbed me! Have we lost track of that?
Nicky Flippers:
Thats right, someone did. Maybe a snack food competitor. Right Granny?
Granny:
Now hold on a pea-picking minute! I may lead a double life full of secrets and deception, but that's no reason to be suspicious.
The Woodsman:
Huh?
Nicky Flippers:
A woman like you could have a lot to gain stealing all those recipes.
Chief Grizzly:
And that's how she makes her goodies so good! Eh?
Nicky Flippers:
Or she could just be another victim... of a hungry Wolf
The Wolf:
Ah, the wolf did it. Talk about profiling.
Nicky Flippers:
Why should we trust someone who wears disguises for a living?
Chief Grizzly:
Maybe he's not a wolf at all!
The Wolf:
You got me. I'm a poodle. I just haven't been to the barbershop in a long time.
Chief Grizzly:
Is this all just a big joke to you?
The Wolf:
I just followed the girl here.
Granny:
You leave my granddaughter alone!
Nicky Flippers:
Yes, now we get to Little Red, the girl with the basket on the run.
[
camera points to empty chair]
Nicky Flippers:
Where is she anyway?
[
after having his first taste of coffee and the caffeine obviously getting to him]
Twitchy:
Caffeine! Yeah baby!
[
Twitchy falls from sky]
The Wolf:
Twitchy! You scared me!
Twitchy:
[
speaking very quickly] Hey boss, I called the taped-I beeped you on your beeper. Did you get my beep?
The Wolf:
Twitchy, you gotta calm down.
Twitchy:
[
continues speaking quickly] I got up early and I got the gear I was watching the girl like you told me to, the girl in the red hood.
The Wolf:
Yeah, the girl in the red hood. Did you see where she went?
Twitchy:
She went past the porcupines and the red bird's tree and the guy with the long beard and now she's up the creek and she sings everywhere she goes. She's like lalalalalalalalalala...
The Wolf:
Yeah, yeah, I'm way ahead of you. we gotta find out who she's working for. You got the camera?
Twitchy:
The 220x and a photograb with autofocus. Ooo, look at that - come with a 500 millimeter lens. You want the color or black and white?
The Wolf:
Doesn't matter.
Twitchy:
I brought a flash!
[
takes a picture]
The Wolf:
Will you put that away? It's covert. No flash!
Twitchy:
[
takes the flash off] Undercover, got it. Mmm-hm. Nobody sees, nobody knows. Click-click, heh heh!
[
grins]
The Wolf:
[
stares at Twitchy] You ever thought about decaffeinated coffee?
Twitchy:
Oh, I don't drink coffee!
The Wolf:
I can't believe I'm saying this but... drink up
[
gives twitchy the coffee]
The Wolf:
We may want to stand back.
Twitchy:
[
Sips coffee and his eyes buldge and he starts shaking] Yee-hoo-hoo-hoo! Wahooo! Caffeine! Yeah baby! Whoa!
The Wolf:
Go get 'em boy.
[
Twitchy takes off and bounces all over the place]
The Wolf:
What... have I done?
Granny:
Now the rest's up to us.
The Woodsman:
Can I have coffee?
Tommy:
I know about houses. l built mine out of straw. I'm not an idiot.
Nicky Flippers:
So! Mr. Wolf... May I call you Wolf?
The Wolf:
You can call me Sheila. I like long walks and fresh flowers.
Chief Grizzly:
Quit playing around, Wolf! You're looking at 3 to 5 in an old shoe with no windows, SO START SINGIN'!
Chief Grizzly:
Pretty thin Wolf! You say the old lady was already tied up. How did that happen?
The Wolf:
I don't know, maybe to make herself look innocent. I just write the news Chief, I don't make it.
Red:
For a reporter, you sure have a strange way of doing your job.
The Wolf:
What can I say? I was raised by wolves.
Red:
For a reporter, you sure have a funny way of doing your job.
The Wolf:
What can I say? I was raised by wolves.
Chief Grizzly:
Am I gonna get to put the cuffs on someone or WHAT?
Nicky Flippers:
Ah, remember Ted, pieces of the puzzle make funny shapes, but they still fit together in the end.
Chief Grizzly:
Boy, you're just full o' those, aren'tcha?
The Wolf:
You're lookin' pretty tasty...
Woolworth:
Why you gotta be like that?
Boingo:
[
to tied and gagged Red] Hey, you're a delivery girl, right? Then could you do me a favor? Could you take this down the mountain? 'Cause it absolutely, positively has to be there TONIGHT!
The Woodsman:
[
disguised as Dolph] Uh, Mister Rabbit...
Boingo:
Dolph! Where have you been? You nimwitted Eurotrash with the... what is that, a ski mask?
The Woodsman:
Uh, I, um, yah...
Boingo:
I like that! See, that's scary. Yeah that's good...
The Woodsman:
Um, b-boss...
Boingo:
WHAT? Say it! Spit it out! What's goin' on?
The Woodsman:
Um... boss, uh,
[
singing]
The Woodsman:
Paul's bunion cream/has the soothing formula...
The Wolf:
[
interrupts, also in disguise] Hi there! What he means to say is that I'm the building inspector.
The Woodsman:
Yah, yes!
The Wolf:
I just need to tap the pipes; see if your wiring's up to par.
Boingo:
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Hold it, you're not... no, you can't touch anything in here.
The Wolf:
[
pauses] Let's walk.
The Woodsman:
I had always heard about call backs. But, I had never gotten one!
Nicky Flippers:
I wanna know more about this fellow with the axe. How does he fit into all this?
Det. Bill Stork:
Maybe you should AXE him yourself! Ha ha ha ha haaa ha haaa! You-haha-see haa ha haaa! Axe-haaa ha ha! He he hee...
Chief Grizzly:
[
Stares blankly at Bill]
Det. Bill Stork:
[
glumly] I'll bring him in.
Chief Grizzly:
This looks pretty open and shut. Little miss rosy-capes making covert deliveries to the goodie-tycoon. Wolfie tries to eat 'em both, then crazy flannel-pants with the axe here busts in, swinging vigilante-style. Take 'em downtown boys!
Det. Bill Stork:
Ah, it's the woods chief, we don't have a downtown.
Chief Grizzly:
You know what I mean! Just book'em!
Twitchy:
[
to The Wolf] I called you on my beeper. Did you get my beep?
The Wolf:
As God is my witness, you will learn to speak.
Twitchy:
Say parcheesi!
The Wolf:
I'm allergic to yodeling.
Twitchy:
[
Wolf gives Twitchy a cup of coffee] Caffeine! Yeah baby!
[
bounces everywhere]
The Wolf:
I knew it! Never trust a bunny!
Twitchy:
Never trust a bunny!
[
Commenting on Boingo's musical number]
The Wolf:
The song was catchy, but the choreography was terrible.
Granny:
[
after hearing the Bandit's plan to destroy the forest] Sweet tea and cookies, we've got to do something!
The Wolf:
I know. The song was catchty, but choreography was terrible.
Boingo:
You've been Hoodwinked, baby!
The Wolf:
[
pretending to be a building inspector] Let me level with you, you're an evil genius, right?
Boingo:
Well, I don't know if I'd say "genius," you know. I was asked to join Mensa.
The Wolf:
Well, you got yourself an evil lair in a mountain cave. That's standard, but see, most masters of evil that we deal with are up to evil genius code. Are you familiar with the code?
Boingo:
You know, I'm more of a do-it-yourself kind of guy. Yeah.
The Wolf:
I understand. Are you thinking about puttin' in a laser?
Boingo:
I don't know. I don't... Do you think I should?
The Wolf:
Well, it's standard equipment for a cave lair. I'm not saying you're going to zap someone with it today, but you gotta think about the future. Those things have gotta be calibrated.
Boingo:
I smell hairspray
[
looks up and sees Granny]
Chief Grizzly:
Shouldn't you be in school?
Red:
Shouldn't I have a lawyer?
[
discovering the Wolf is pretending to be Granny]
Red:
You again! What do I have to do, get a restraining order?
The Wolf:
That was quite a bit of fallin' you did just now.
Twitchy:
[
being slowed down on a tape machine so Nicky Flippers can understand him] The criminal you are looking for cannot be found at the bottom of the mountain; he resides at the top in a cave fortress where my companions are trying to detain him.
Boingo:
Oh, you'd best be fearing the ear baby!
Red:
You're crazy!
Boingo:
Maybe so, but I'm top of the woods now baby!
The Wolf:
You know, I'm front page material now. I'm about to crack a story about the 3 pigs running a home improvement scam. Houses falling left and right
Twitchy:
I've got the wide angle lens for those piggies. You gotta go wide!
Nicky Flippers:
We don't arrest people for being creepy.
Tommy:
[
into walkie-talkie] Yeah, Bruce, you know that guy we got in the tank?
Bruce:
[
over walkie-talkie] Ah, the creepy one?
Tommy:
Yeah, better let him go.
Nicky Flippers:
[
to The Woodsman] I think it's safe to say that our thespian friend here knows the least about anything of anyone in this room.
Red:
What big ears you have.
The Wolf:
All the better to hear your many criticisms!
Boingo:
Dolph, tie up the brat; Liesel, hold the book; Vincent, get the truck; and Keith... darn it change your name, please. That's not scary and I'm embarrassed to say it. Boris, try that. Keith, ya know, OOOO Watch out for Keith!
Chief Grizzly:
[
referring about the Woodsman] This guy's a loon.
Det. Bill Stork:
Watch it, chief. My mama's half-loon.
Twitchy:
Eezie-Peezie boss, eh, leave it to me!
Nicky Flippers:
[
talking to Granny] What are you hiding, old girl?
Boingo:
Oh you best be fearing the ear, baby!
P-Biggie:
Yo, Triple-G! What's up, baby?
2-Tone:
Granny! What's happening?
Granny:
What up, my homies?
Granny:
Ooh, almost forgot. I made you kids some snicker-doodles.
[
Everyone starts talking at once]
2-Tone:
Yo!
P-Biggie:
Tight! Oh yeah, snicker-doodles, snicker-doodles! Give it up, give it up!
2-Tone:
Gimme one of those!
Zorra:
Yeah, snicker-doodles. Those are my favorite.
2-Tone:
Snickadeedoo!
[
Everyone looks at 2-Tone blankly]
Red:
I'm looking for Granny Puckett's house?
Japeth the Goat:
[
singing] Graaaaaaaanneeee Puckeeeet...
Red:
Could you stop singing for one moment?
Japeth the Goat:
[
singing] No I can't, wish I could, but a mountain witch done put a spell on me, 37 years agoooooooo, and now I gotta sing every thing I saaaaaaaaayyyyyy...
Red:
Everything?
Japeth the Goat:
[
speaking] That's right.
Red:
You just talked! Just now!
Japeth the Goat:
Oh, did I?
[
singing]
Japeth the Goat:
Did I? Dididididodadidididoooo...
Nicky Flippers:
[
preparing to question Red] What's with the handcuffs on a little girl? Her wrists can slip right out. How about a cage?
Det. Bill Stork:
Bring in the cage!
Nicky Flippers:
I was being sarcastic.
Det. Bill Stork:
[
resigned] Sarcasm. Strike the cage...
Nicky Flippers:
[
Twitchy runs across the road, causing Chief Grizzly to swerve before straightening up the car again] Who taught you how to drive?
Chief Grizzly:
Almost hit a squirrel
Chief Grizzly:
[
to the Wolf, after he tells his side] You got a way to back this up?
Twitchy:
[
appears] I got these pictures developed, Mr. Flippers!
Nicky Flippers:
That so? Let's have a look...
[
examines photos]
Nicky Flippers:
Hmmm... these are good... Ha...
[
shows picture of Wolf mounted in fish costume]
Nicky Flippers:
Here's a nice one of you, Wolf.
The Wolf:
Grrph...
Twitchy:
I wanna do an expose' sometime; a gallery show. And maybe a coffee table book, 'course, I don't drink coffee. Maybe a china tea/latte book.
Nicky Flippers:
Photos don't lie, Chief.
The Wolf:
Good work, Twitchy.
Chief Grizzly:
Grrph!
The Woodsman:
Arrrgh! Paul's bunion cream has the soothing formula...
Jimmy Lizard:
[
interrupts] Whoa, whoa, whoa, no. Hold it, hold it. Ho, ho, stop... Look, "Argh"?
The Woodsman:
Uh-huh...
Jimmy Lizard:
What... what are ya, some kinda German pirate or somethin'?
The Woodsman:
I just got the script, like, five minutes ago... I'm trying...
Jimmy Lizard:
Okay, sure, sure, um... you're not gettin' it...
Caterpillar 1:
I don't know what to do. I mean, should I call her?
Caterpillar 2:
Well she is keeping seeing other people probably. Keeping her options open, you should do the same.
Caterpillar 1:
Shh. Up there. Do you mind?
The Wolf:
Oh sorry.
Japeth the Goat:
[
In cart, after 'be prepared' song. Notes Avalanche] An Avalance is coming, and I am not prepared. In fact, if I have to say it, I must say that I'm scared. If I were talking, you'd hear just how I screamed. But, since I'm only singing, I'll yodel 'till we're creamed!
[
first lines]
Nicky Flippers:
[
narrating] Red Riding Hood, you probably know the story.
[
girl screaming]
Nicky Flippers:
But there's more to every tale than meets the eye. It's just like they always say, you can't judge a book by its cover. If you want to know the truth, you've gotta flip through the pages.
The Wolf:
You see, Twitchy, when life gives you lemons, you make lemonade... and then that lemonade turns bitter, ferments and turns to pigswill.
Raccoon Jerry:
What did you say your name was?
The Wolf:
Shaw. Rick Shaw. Came in from Japan.
Granny:
Time to shred some powder!
Chief Grizzly:
[
listening to Twitchy talk really fast] It's like he's speaking *words* of some kind.
Twitchy:
So when do we eat, boss?
The Wolf:
You hungry? How about failure for lunch? With a side order of unemployment.
Woolworth:
Little Red? Processing... yes, I know her. Good kid. Not like that Bo Peep. Girl put up an invisible fence, tasted metal fillings for a week.
Nicky Flippers:
And bring in a police sketch artist. No, make it a cartoonist.
Det. Bill Stork:
What is it boy? Truck! Trouble at the mill! Is the barn on fire? The barn's on fire! The well! Timmy's stuck in the well!
Boingo:
Hey, you're a delivery girl, right? Then could you do me a favor? Could you take this down the mountain, cause it absolutely positively has to be there TONIGHT! I'm sorry, what... I can't quite... with the... you got something right there across your mouth!
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