The Benchwarmers (2006)
Gus: Clark, could you not pick your nose in front of me?
Clark: I'm not picking, I'm scratching.
Gus: Scratching what? Your brain?
Clark: Yeah, 'cause it's huge.
Clark: [where someone has recently farted] Oh! I love beef stew!
Howie: For years I thought the sun was a monster. But I am here to tell you that it's not a monster! IT'S NOT A MONSTER!
Richie: He just did that steroid free!
Clark: What's steroids?
Richie: Something that makes your 'pee-pee' smaller.
Clark: Ohh... there must be steroids in macaroni!
Gus: I think this is a sign that you should get a car.
Clark: My mom said I should hold off on getting my license for another year.
[extends arms forward and then retracts]
Clark: She wants to make sure my reflexes are fully developed.
Howie: I used to think the sun was evil but now I know it's not.
Wayne: How's the moon treating you.
Howie: Not a fan.
Howie: What's going all the way?
Wayne: [whispers in Howie's ear]
[squeezes suntan lotion and screams]
Clark: Shut up, Number 7!
Number 7 Robot: You shut up!
Clark: I'll kill you!
Richie: [after Salad Girl leaves] What do you think of my future wife?
Old Man: I smell Cinnamon Rolls!
Richie: Oh, I smell Cinnamon Rolls too.
Richie: [after pulling up to Mel's house] Wow,I always wondered who lived here, I just thought it was Clay Aiken or something.
Mel: Reggie and I met at Tuba Camp when we were kids
[shows picture of Reggie and Himself playing their tubas when they were younger]
Gus: HAHA,Reggie that was you?
Reggie Jackson: [angrily] What are you laughing about?I was a cute kid.
Gus: [frightened] Oh,uh,Yes.Like a young Denzel.
Richie: [whispered to Clark] I didn't know Denzel played Erkel.
Brad: You guys think you're athletes now?
Richie: Haha that's funny I didn't know ath-e-letes had three syllables... thats ama-za-zaing.
Kyle: I'm gonna call the cops!
Clark: We are cops!... We're navy seals!
Kyle: Navy seals aren't cops!
Troy: Aren't you our paperboy?
Clark: ...I'm undercover
Gus: My wife is the only one who gets to twist these man titties.
Clark: Hold on I got a text from my mom... NO WAY we're having maccroni tonight that means garlic bread! Yes!
Wayne: Is that beer?
Carlos: [stumbling] No it's Gatorade homie, get out of my way.
Howie: Richie told me about the serial killers thats loose in in our neighborhood killing anyone named Howie! THAT'S MY NAME! That's my name!
Mel: Have you even known the joys of having children?
Richie: Never had a date.
Clark: Never talked to a girl.
Richie: [after Gus hits a homerun] Wow and he did it without steroids.
Clark: What's steroids?
Richie: Something that makes your pee-pee smaller.
Clark: There must be steroids in macaroni!
Marcus Ellwood: Do you still think I look like Yoda?
Marcus Ellwood: But Yoda's my favorite! You're a bad, bad man!
Richie: Clark, we don't play baseball.
Clark: I told Gus that we would be there, and if we don't show up, that makes me a liar... and that's not what I'm about... Not now, NOT EVER!
Richie: Okay, Okay Daytime Emmy
Kyle: Leave our field or you will suffer the consequences!
Richie: What is this, "children of the corn"?
Troy: Listen, we have a game tomorrow, and there's only one field to practice on - so, beat it!
Richie: [after hitting the ball] I ticked it, it hit the bat!
Charlie Catcher: You're ssstill out.
Richie: You're ssstill fat!
Gus: [to Nelson] Hey. Are you the kid who got farted on earlier?
Mel: Yes. This is my son Nelson. He's become quite the fart magnet for the neighborhood bullies.
Nelson: I also get a healthy smear of animal turds twice daily.
Clark: When I was your age, Fairy Jerry dumped a bucket of dog poop on me.
Nelson: His son just did that to me last week.
[looking at Mel's Pontiac Firebird Trans Am]
Clark: This car is so radical. Looks just like K.I.T.T. from the show Knight Rider.
Mel: It is K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider. Watch this.
[Mel activates the car with his watch]
K.I.T.T.: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm K.I.T.T.
Richie: [to Mel] Who are you?
Mel: Oh, I'm just one of those nerds who grew up... to make billions.
Gus: Nice meeting you, Fairy Jerry.
Jerry: What was that?
Gus: Well, you gave Clark and Richie nicknames. I thought I'd give you one: Fairy Jerry.
Jerry: Oh, really?
Gus: [stands up from chair] Really.
Jerry: Okay, Gus- Gus... Gus Bus! That's you, Gus Bus!
Richie: Yeah, I bet you're a real good catcher... of donuts in your mouth.
Clark: That nerd makes me look like Rambo.
Clark: John Stamos?
Clark: [a ball hits Richie in the head] Duuuuhhhr!
Richie: You just lost your membership at video world!
Clark: Dang it!
Gus: [upon seeing Carlos enter] Hey, what's going on here? How come he's playing?
Wayne: Oh, ah, I couldn't play him before because he was feeling ill.
Carlos: Me tummy, es sicko.
Umpire: Well you got proof he's a kid?
Gus: Come on! Look at his beard. He's 50.
Wayne: Not according to birth certifico.
[hands umpire the crumpled up paper he saw earlier]
Umpire: [looks inside and sees 'I am 12' written in green crayon, with a picture of Carlos and $10. He carefully pockets the $10 and folds the paper back up] He's got documentation. Play ball!
Howie: [quivering] Carlos?
Carlos: Who say my name?
Howie: [gives him 2 packs of beer and a tequila] I brought you a present from the Benchwarmers. You're really good at baseball.
Carlos: [happy] Thank you Albino.
Carlos: Now get lost!
Howie: [cowers away screeching]
[after purosely stomping on Gus's hand]
Carlos: Sorry. It was accident.
[lifts foot off Gus's hand]
[seeing three Howie's thru his blurred vision]
Carlos: Look at all those Albinos.
Carlos: No really, I need another refill.
Wayne: You need to go to an AA meeting.
[Carlos is drinking a tequilla while pitching]
Carlos: Maria? Why did you leave me?
Mel: Letting that 12 year old drink like that is disgusting.
Mel: This was a total waste of time, wasn't it?
Clark: We could still win this thing.
Clark: If we use the force.
Richie: Let's try not to be too geeky, Clark.
Clark: The Force is powerful, my young padawan.
Howie: He's right. It is.
Gus: Man! I haven't even been on a baseball field in over 10 years.
Clark: I've never been on a baseball field, if I did, the kids in my neighborhood would spit loogies on my forehead.
Gus: Thats horrible, baseball's America's past time... thats like saying you've never had apple pie.
Gus: You've never had apple pie?
Clark: My mom said it would give me diarrhea.
Gus: That's ridiculous, Clark! You have to try it at least once!
Gus: No! Baseball!
[hands out a bottle of urine]
Richie: Okay, buddy.
Clark: Is that apple juice?
Richie: Clark! You kissed a girl before I did?
Clark: This is way better than macaroni!
Gus: [shouts] Clark! Try to hit the ball in the strike zone.
Clark: Well where's the strike zone?
[he gets a bit distracted during the pitch]
Umpire: Strike two!
Gus: Right there.
Gus: [looking at baseball cards] We've got statistics! I got 30 homeruns!
Richie: I got 11 foul ticks!
Clark: I got 20 eyes-closed strike outs, 5 broken windshields, and 6 dead birds! I'm freakin' awesome!
Mel: Richie, do you have any kids?
Richie: Never had a date.
Clark: Never spoke to a girl.
Gus: Ugh, My wife and I are kinda working on it.
Gus: Move over honey, I gotta take a leak.
Liz: Oh my God! You're not kidding!
Richie: [after Salad Girl gives back a video] Well, I am management, so I'm gonna waive the late fee.
Salad Girl: Oh, they're not late, but thank you.
[Richie laughs nervously]
Brad: Hey, what the... Clark? Richie? I hardly recognised you clowns without the underwear on your heads!
Richie: Brad! Wow, you have really not slimmed down!
Brad: So I heard from Jerry you tools think you're athletes now?
Richie: That's funny, I didn't know athlete had three syllables, A-tha-lete? That's ama-za-zing.
Brad: You think you're hot shit 'cos you know words.
Clark: Hey Brad, why don't you be a stud and point us towards the register, or... Register... er...!...