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The Benchwarmers (2006) Poster

Quotes

Howie: For years I thought the sun was a monster. But I am here to tell you that it's not a monster! IT'S NOT A MONSTER!

[cries]

Brad: So I heard from Jerry you tools think you're athletes now?

Richie: That's funny, I didn't know athlete had three syllables, A-tha-lete? That's ama-za-zing.

Brad: You think you're hot shit 'cos you know words.

Clark: Hey Brad, why don't you be a stud and point us towards the register, or... Register... er...!...

Howie: Richie told me about the serial killers thats loose in in our neighborhood killing anyone named Howie! THAT'S MY NAME! That's my name!

Richie: [after hitting the ball] I ticked it, it hit the bat!

Charlie Catcher: You're ssstill out.

Richie: You're ssstill fat!

Brad: Bring it!

Clark: Suck it!

Richie: He just did that steroid free!

Clark: What's steroids?

Richie: Something that makes your 'pee-pee' smaller.

Clark: Ohh... there must be steroids in macaroni!

Richie: [after Salad Girl leaves] What do you think of my future wife?

Old Man: I smell Cinnamon Rolls!

Richie: Oh, I smell Cinnamon Rolls too.

Clark: Hold on I got a text from my mom... NO WAY we're having maccroni tonight that means garlic bread! Yes!

Mel: Have you even known the joys of having children?

Richie: Never had a date.

Clark: Never talked to a girl.

Gus: Clark, could you not pick your nose in front of me?

Clark: I'm not picking, I'm scratching.

Gus: Scratching what? Your brain?

Clark: Yeah, 'cause it's huge.

Brad: You guys think you're athletes now?

Richie: Haha that's funny I didn't know ath-e-letes had three syllables... thats ama-za-zaing.

Richie: Are you guys ready to scr-mi-mimage?

[repeated line]

Richie: I love... salad.

Kyle: Leave our field or you will suffer the consequences!

Richie: What is this, "children of the corn"?

Clark: That nerd makes me look like Rambo.

Richie: No.

Clark: John Stamos?

Richie: Warmer.

Clark: [a ball hits Richie in the head] Duuuuhhhr!

Richie: You just lost your membership at video world!

Clark: Dang it!

Gus: Man! I haven't even been on a baseball field in over 10 years.

Clark: I've never been on a baseball field, if I did, the kids in my neighborhood would spit loogies on my forehead.

Gus: Thats horrible, baseball's America's past time... thats like saying you've never had apple pie.

Gus: You've never had apple pie?

Clark: My mom said it would give me diarrhea.

Gus: That's ridiculous, Clark! You have to try it at least once!

Clark: Diarrhea?

Gus: No! Baseball!

Richie: I guess I'm no longer a virgin... to home runs, BYOTCH!

Richie: Clark! You kissed a girl before I did?

Clark: This is way better than macaroni!

Gus: [looking at baseball cards] We've got statistics! I got 30 homeruns!

Richie: I got 11 foul ticks!

Clark: I got 20 eyes-closed strike outs, 5 broken windshields, and 6 dead birds! I'm freakin' awesome!

Gus: I think this is a sign that you should get a car.

Clark: My mom said I should hold off on getting my license for another year.

[extends arms forward and then retracts]

Clark: She wants to make sure my reflexes are fully developed.

Howie: I used to think the sun was evil but now I know it's not.

Wayne: How's the moon treating you.

Howie: Not a fan.

Clark: Is bad ass one or two words?

Howie: What's going all the way?

Wayne: [whispers in Howie's ear]

Howie: Oh.

[squeezes suntan lotion and screams]

Howie: Aaaaaah!

Clark: Shut up, Number 7!

Number 7 Robot: You shut up!

Clark: I'll kill you!

Richie: [after pulling up to Mel's house] Wow,I always wondered who lived here, I just thought it was Clay Aiken or something.

Mel: Reggie and I met at Tuba Camp when we were kids

[shows picture of Reggie and Himself playing their tubas when they were younger]

Gus: HAHA,Reggie that was you?

Reggie Jackson: [angrily] What are you laughing about?I was a cute kid.

Gus: [frightened] Oh,uh,Yes.Like a young Denzel.

Richie: [whispered to Clark] I didn't know Denzel played Erkel.

Kyle: I'm gonna call the cops!

Clark: We are cops!... We're navy seals!

Kyle: Navy seals aren't cops!

Troy: Aren't you our paperboy?

Clark: ...I'm undercover

Kyle: Time to meet your makers!

Clark: Makers of what? POOP?

Mel: If you build it, nerds will come.

Wayne: Is that beer?

Carlos: [stumbling] No it's Gatorade homie, get out of my way.

Mel: Howie, you're a freak.

Richie: [after Gus hits a homerun] Wow and he did it without steroids.

Clark: What's steroids?

Richie: Something that makes your pee-pee smaller.

Clark: There must be steroids in macaroni!

Marcus Ellwood: Do you still think I look like Yoda?

Gus: No.

Marcus Ellwood: But Yoda's my favorite! You're a bad, bad man!

Richie: Clark, we don't play baseball.

Clark: I told Gus that we would be there, and if we don't show up, that makes me a liar... and that's not what I'm about... Not now, NOT EVER!

Richie: Okay, Okay Daytime Emmy

Gus: [to Nelson] Hey. Are you the kid who got farted on earlier?

Mel: Yes. This is my son Nelson. He's become quite the fart magnet for the neighborhood bullies.

Nelson: I also get a healthy smear of animal turds twice daily.

Clark: When I was your age, Fairy Jerry dumped a bucket of dog poop on me.

Nelson: His son just did that to me last week.

[looking at Mel's Pontiac Firebird Trans Am]

Clark: This car is so radical. Looks just like K.I.T.T. from the show Knight Rider.

Mel: It is K.I.T.T. from Knight Rider. Watch this.

[Mel activates the car with his watch]

K.I.T.T.: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm K.I.T.T.

Richie: [to Mel] Who are you?

Mel: Oh, I'm just one of those nerds who grew up... to make billions.

Gus: Nice meeting you, Fairy Jerry.

Jerry: What was that?

Gus: Well, you gave Clark and Richie nicknames. I thought I'd give you one: Fairy Jerry.

Jerry: Oh, really?

Gus: [stands up from chair] Really.

Jerry: Okay, Gus- Gus... Gus Bus! That's you, Gus Bus!

Gus: Oh, that was a brutal comeback. Come on guys, let's go. I don't think I can ever get over that one. Whew!

Richie: Yeah, I bet you're a real good catcher... of donuts in your mouth.

Carlos: Looks like the Gus Bus is out of gas.

Gus: [upon seeing Carlos enter] Hey, what's going on here? How come he's playing?

Wayne: Oh, ah, I couldn't play him before because he was feeling ill.

Carlos: Me tummy, es sicko.

Umpire: Well you got proof he's a kid?

Gus: Come on! Look at his beard. He's 50.

Wayne: Not according to birth certifico.

[hands umpire the crumpled up paper he saw earlier]

Umpire: [looks inside and sees 'I am 12' written in green crayon, with a picture of Carlos and $10. He carefully pockets the $10 and folds the paper back up] He's got documentation. Play ball!

Howie: [quivering] Carlos?

Carlos: Who say my name?

Howie: [gives him 2 packs of beer and a tequila] I brought you a present from the Benchwarmers. You're really good at baseball.

Carlos: [happy] Thank you Albino.

[bold]

Carlos: Now get lost!

Howie: [cowers away screeching]

[Carlos is drinking a tequilla while pitching]

Carlos: Maria? Why did you leave me?

Mel: Letting that 12 year old drink like that is disgusting.

Richie: Dude. You smell like beer.

Carlos: You look like beer.

[last lines]

Mel: This was a total waste of time, wasn't it?

Gus: Yeah.

Clark: We could still win this thing.

Richie: Wha-how?

Clark: If we use the force.

Richie: Let's try not to be too geeky, Clark.

Clark: The Force is powerful, my young padawan.

Howie: He's right. It is.

Howie: Richie?

[hands out a bottle of urine]

Richie: Okay, buddy.

Clark: Is that apple juice?

Richie: Nooo.

Mel: Richie, do you have any kids?

Richie: Never had a date.

Mel: Clark?

Clark: Never spoke to a girl.

Mel: Gu-Gus?

Gus: Ugh, My wife and I are kinda working on it.

Clark: [where someone has recently farted] Oh! I love beef stew!

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Old Man: I smell cinnamon rolls.

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Gus: My wife is the only one who gets to twist these man titties.

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Mel: Keep it under a billion, that's all I got... on me hahaha.

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Troy: Listen, we have a game tomorrow, and there's only one field to practice on - so, beat it!

[pushes Nelson]

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Gretchen Peterson: Move your ass Richie!

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[after purosely stomping on Gus's hand]

Carlos: Sorry. It was accident.

[lifts foot off Gus's hand]

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[seeing three Howie's thru his blurred vision]

Carlos: Look at all those Albinos.

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Carlos: No really, I need another refill.

Wayne: You need to go to an AA meeting.

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Gus: [shouts] Clark! Try to hit the ball in the strike zone.

Clark: Well where's the strike zone?

[he gets a bit distracted during the pitch]

Umpire: Strike two!

Gus: Right there.

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Number 7 Robot: Oh Shit!

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Wayne: Carlos your drunk!

Carlos: [Carlos throws up] Blaaaaaa!

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Gus: Move over honey, I gotta take a leak.

Liz: Oh my God! You're not kidding!

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Richie: [after Salad Girl gives back a video] Well, I am management, so I'm gonna waive the late fee.

Salad Girl: Oh, they're not late, but thank you.

[Richie laughs nervously]

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Brad: Hey, what the... Clark? Richie? I hardly recognised you clowns without the underwear on your heads!

Richie: Brad! Wow, you have really not slimmed down!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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