Robot Chicken (2005– )
Child: Is this gonna hurt?
Doctor: Only if God hates you.
M. Night Shyamalan: What a twist!
Emperor Palpatine: [on the phone with Darth Vader] Vader! How's my favourite Sith?... Whoa whoa whoa... whoa, whoa. Just - slow down. Huh? What do you mean they blew up the Death Star? Fuck! Ah, fuck, fuck, fuck!... Who's THEY?... What the hell is an Aluminum Falcon?
Emperor Palpatine: OK, OK, so who's left?... Are you shitting me?... Well, where are you?... Wait a sec, you've been flying around for two weeks trying to get a signal?... Oh, you must smell like... feet wrapped in leathery, burnt bacon... Oh, oh, oh! Oh, I'm sorry, I thought my Dark Lord of the Sith could protect a small thermal exhaust port that's only two meters wide! That thing wasn't even fully paid off yet!... Do you - do you have ANY idea what this is going to do to my credit?
[phone beeps, he sighs]
Emperor Palpatine: Hang on, I've got another call.
Emperor Palpatine: WHAT? I'm very busy right now!... Oh! Oh, well - well, where are they going?... Oh, alright Uh. Um, get me a turkey club... Um, coleslaw I guess. I'm not even going to eat it... Well, what are you getting?... See, I always order the wrong thing. No, no, I'll just stick with that. OK, bye - What?... Oh, uh, cherry coke. Thanks.
Emperor Palpatine: Sorry about that.
Emperor Palpatine: What?... Oh, oh, JUST rebuild it?... Oh, real fucking original. And who's going to give me a loan, jackhole, you?... You got an ATM on that torso Light Brite? Now get your seven-foot-two asthmatic ass back here, or I'm going to tell everyone what a whiny bitch you were about Padama-may or Panda-Bear what whatever the hell her name is!...
Emperor Palpatine: Oh, Jeez, he's crying!
[giggles, then into phone]
Emperor Palpatine: Hey, hey, hey, hey. C'mon. C'mon, don't do that. Just - just. Look, you know, I'm just dealing with a lot of crap right now. Death Star blown up by a bunch of fucking teenagers, you know? I didn't mean to snap.
[does jacking off motion to guys in room]
Emperor Palpatine: Oh, uh, just get back here. OK. OK. Bye. I... um... I...
[whispers into phone]
Emperor Palpatine: I love you, too.
Velma: No! All my friends are dead and I'm still a virgin!
Don Knotts: You think your life is bad? I just found out one of my tenants might be a flaming homosexual! And someone just killed me.
Daphne: [falls down a trapdoor and finds a mantle adorned by the head of Pamela Voorhees] Hey, that must be Jason's dead mother! This explains everything!
Fred: [falls through the same trapdoor and lands on Daphne] Hey, that must be Jason's dead mother! This explains everything!
Daphne: Fred, you're an asshole! And that ascot makes you look gay!
[Mario and Luigi are participants in a celebrity auto race]
Luigi: Mario, we're-a losing!
Mario: It's-a time to use-a the blue tortoise shell, no?
Luigi: Do it, you magnificent stereotypical bastard.
Mario: You killed my brother! You sons of-a bitches!
[takes out a tommy gun and starts shooting everything]
father: [comes into room after gunshots are heard after an arguement with his wife] Hey, champ... pack your bags! We're going on a little trip! To DISNEYLAND!
son: Is Mom coming?
Wonder Woman: [walking in on The Hulk peeing on the dishes] My good plates!
The Hulk: Dishes done!
Various: Look! It's Joel Schumacher, history's greatest monster!
Hello Kitty: There are 42 pressure points on the human body which result in death. I will teach you 41. The 42nd I may one day have to use on you !
Santa Claus: Bring out your dead!
Mad Scientist: [holding up a sign that reads] Why did the chicken cross the road?
Robot Chicken: [holding up another sign that reads] Bawk?
Mad Scientist: [holding up another sign that reads] To die in the name of science!
[pulls out a butcher's knife and chases the chicken]
George W. Bush: My name is George W. Bush, and I approve this message: Tacos rule.
Queen Beryl: Soon I will have your life force, Sailor Moon, and my plan to rule the earth will come to fruition!
[notices her erection]
Queen Beryl: Oh! Anime sure is weird.
Joey Fatone: Of course! Together, we're stronger than we ever were solo! Right, Justin?
Justin Timberlake: Well... uh... heh... All right.
pirate 1: [has a helm wheel on the front of his pants]
pirate 2: Arr! What's that steering wheel be for?
pirate 1: Arrr, it's driving me nuts!
Scarlett Johansson: [in limo] Can I just roll down the window and shake his hand?
The Notorious B.I.G.: [Tupac walks around heaven and bumps into The Notorious B.I.G] Pac?
Tupac Shakur: Biggie?
[Tupac and B.I.G. pull their guns and shoot each other dead]
Disney's Head: I... *hunger*...
Bodyguard: [to two other bodyguards off camera] Bring in the first Cuban child!
[Cuban child is brought in by two other bodyguards, and is whimpering in fear]
Bodyguard: Walt Disney... must *feed*!
Asian Massuese: [shouts] Happy ending! Happy ending! Happy ending!
Camel: [standing outside a strip bar] That looked like my toe!
Pat Morita: You can't enter that tournament without the proper skills, Fat One.
Joey Fatone: ...And will you train me, Mr. Miyagi?
Pat Morita: First of all, I'm Pat-effin'-Morita, ya nutsack. Second of all, you're too old for the training.
Daniel-san: [enters with a plunger] So was I... if you remember.
Pat Morita: Daniel-san! I thought I smelled failure. That toilet's not going to uplug itself!
Freddy Krueger: If Ghostface got voted out, take it from Freddy, that would be a dream come true. Ha ha ha ha! You get it? Ha ha ha ha! A Dream! Ha ha ha ha! I kill people in their nightmares. That is what I do, that's my thing.
Chinese Resturant Guy: ["You Can't Do That On Robot Chicken"] Hey! Breckin Meyer!
Breckin Meyer: Yeah, Chinese Restaurant Guy?
Chinese Resturant Guy: Hey! Ever hear of a cat gopher?
Breckin Meyer: Cat gopher? What's a cat gopher?
Chinese Resturant Guy: Cat go for $6 if I put MSG on it!
[audience laughs as Chinese Restaurant Guy goes back in locker]
Breckin Meyer: Seriously, is this the only part of the sketch I'm in? I spent an hour and fifteen minutes in traffic getting here. I mean, granted, I was in a Benz, but this is horse shit! Oh, fuck you! You know what? I'm going home! Yeah, you can kiss my ass! I was in "Garfield," motherfucker!
[Corey Feldman is dying]
Corey Feldman: Remember me... in "Stand By Me"... and "The Lost Boys"... the first half at least... oh... and..."Friday... the 13th... Part...
[Corey Feldman dies]
TiVo Addict: [sits at TV while watching TiVo] Wow! I can record my favorite shows and teach it to record other shows that I like! This is great! What did I do without this thing?
TiVo Addict: Yello?
Guy: Hey, buddy! We're heading down to the bar. You wanna come?
TiVo Addict: Why don't you take your *bar* and shove it up your *ASS*! I'm watching TiVo!
Janis: [Janis is appearing on the Howard Stern radio show] I just found out I have Hepatitis C. I only have five years left to live.
Howard Stern: Wow, that sucks. So, are you going to show us your breasts?
Janis: Fuck you, Howard! I'm dying!
Keanu Reeves: Hi, I'm Keanu Reeves. I've beaten the world of acting, and now I'm beating the world of breakfast sausage.
Coach: [the sporting balls are deflated] Oh, my balls! My balls! Who could've done this to my balls?
Child 1: This show is so clever.
Child 2: Totally!
Draco Malfoy: Hey Potter, I taught the Sorting Hat a new trick!
[he places it onto Harry Potter's head]
The Sorting Hat: VIRGIN!
[Everyone laughs. Harry puts the hat on Hermione]
The Sorting Hat: SECOND BASE!
Batman: [to Robin during a street race] If you don't want a bat bitch slap you'll launch the batnet and take down those cops.
Robot Chicken: [sung] Wawk bawk bawk / Ba wawk bawk bawk / Bawk bawk bawk bawka bawka wawk bawk bawk
Robot Chicken, 2nd Chicken: [sung] A wawk bawk bawk / Ba wawk bawk bawk / Ba wawk bawk bikka gikka wawk bawk bawk
Robot Chicken: [sung] BIGAAAAAAAAK
Human male voice: [spoken] Bawk.
Britney Spears: [in a death-match against Joey Fatone] Wait a second! Meet my homegirls - Christina Aguilera, Avril Lavigne, Jessica Simpson, Jessica Simpson's sister...
Ashlee Simpson: I'm Ashlee!
Britney Spears: [sighs in frustration] Sh! The big kids are talkin'!
Announcer: The public would never know what mad experiments took place under the Matterhorn that day.
Fidel Castro: Andale, andale! Arriba, arriba!
Ironhide: Wow, Prime sure has to urinate a lot.
Prowl: Yea! He must be French, cuz he's-a-peein'! Ha ha ha!
Ironhide: Uhh, I think that's "*You're* a-peein'"
Prowl: He he he... but... I'm not.
Ironhide: Ugh, such a Retardicon.
Japanese Gameshow Host: You want million dollar? You win crazy smile face million dollar!
Ryan Seacrest: Nice outfit. Isn't it gauche to wear brown after Labor Day?
Count Chockula: I don't know, Ryan. Isn't it gauche be a total douche bag on national TV each week?
Ryan Seacrest: [smiling] Not when you're paid like me.
[the Fat One's training is a parody of Mortal Kombat]
Scorpion Wanna-Be: [throws a chain to pull the Fat One close] Come here, you!
Joey Fatone: [Britney Spears joins with others into a giant monster] I'm finished!
Justin Timberlake: Don't worry, Joey!
J.C. Chasez: We'll help you!
Lance Bass: All for one and one for all!
Chris Kirkpatrick: Reaganomics!
[the Fat One is trying to determine which Ninja Turtle is Corey Feldman]
Raphael: Pizza is *radical*!
Michealangelo: Master Splinter's *way cool*!
Leonardo: Turtle power, dude!
Donatello: Clean... Sober... Back on television! Things are lookin' up for the Feldmeister!
Ryan Seacrest: [closing on American Idol] Seacrest out!
Umpire: [Few sketches later, at a baseball game, where Ryan Seacrest was batting but struck out] Seacrest out!
Ryan Seacrest: [more sketches later, where Seacrest is in front of a mirror wearing a dress] Seacrest out!
[Cobra Commander, Skeletor, Mum-Ra and Lex Luthor are car pooling]
Skeletor: Oh, that was a good one Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
Lex Luthor: What was a good... OH, Dear Lord!
Skeletor: Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!
Cobra Commander: AHHH IT'S BURNING MY EYES!
Mum-Ra: [Tries to open windows] UNLOCK THE WINDOWS!
Skeletor: Behold the gaseous stench of Skeletor's BREAKFAST BORRITO HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Cop #1: Ah! He's got a wrench!
Cop #2: Take him down!
Luigi: [the police shoot Luigi] Oh mamamia!
Jared the Subway Guy: [Jared passes out in the bathroom at a bakery] I must have passed out from the strain of pushing that enormous log out of my butt.
[comes out of the bathroom to find the bakery deserted]
Jared the Subway Guy: Did my dookie fumes clear out the whole bakery?
Sephiroth: [the cast of Final Fantasy VII is working in a restauraunt. Sephiroth enters accompanied by ominous sounding music] Cloud, I need you to work on Saturday.