The Aristocrats (2005)
Bob Saget: Can I get a copy of this? I'd like to send it to the kids from the show "Full House".
Bob Saget: There's my friend Paul and right now I'm looking at his dinger. He's got a very huge wiener. It's about that big...
[indicates the length of his throat]
Bob Saget: I believe that's Shandling's joke. When you lift something it better be a cock. Here we go. This family, mother, father, four kids. It doesn't matter if they're boys or girls they're gonna be used anyway...
- as nothing more than a hole. This is what this joke is about anyway, it's about using your kids. They've got a paper route, they go to school and then you fuck 'em. And the agent's like, "What do you do?" and the father goes, "Watch us." He rips off his wife's bra. Then he rips off her underwear and he takes some of her pubes with it. It's awful and some blood starts dripping down her leg. He takes the tampon and throws it at the window and it sticks. They start going down on each other all different kinds of combinations, there's 69, there's 29, cause the kids are young, there's 9. The father bends the kid over the guy's desk and starts taking him from behind, which isn't right. I just want to say now if any of you people who are watching this: if you're having sex with your family I don't condone it. I think it's wrong I've done a lot of PSA's... do NOT fuck your family. So they're all fucking each other right. All of a sudden the kid can't take it, diarrhea starts shooting out of his ass. It's like a hemorrhaging shit-ass. The kid starts spinning around in a circle cause he can't control it. It's like Curly in the Stooges. "Moe, Larry, the cheese!" The projectile shit is just flying out of him it's going all over the room it's like spin art. You don't know whether to shit or puke in this room. That's how...
[starts laughing uncontrollably]
Bob Saget: What the fuck am I doing?
Otto Peterson: My son comes out, I shoot him in the head, and then I FUCK the bullet hole! And then my daughter comes on stage. She's a real sexy nine-year-old. I hit her with an ax handle, burn her cunt with a curling iron, put a fish hook through my cock, fuck her, kill her, and take a shit on her dead body!
T. Sean Shannon: Three women of color, they go into this agent's office. He says, "What do you do?" She goes, "Well, my sister plays the cello. She plays Chopin's third movement, in B minor. I lie on a chaise lounge, naked, reading sonnets from Shakespeare, and my third sister, she makes a painting very similar to Decroix's 'The Girl'." He says, "Wow, that sounds good, what do you call this act?" "Oh, we're Nigger Cunts."
T. Sean Shannon: "Well, you can't say that."
Gilbert Gottfried: A lot of you are probably saying "Wait, wait, wait. Backtrack a little. Where did the blood come from? You didn't say anything about blood." Well if a guy is fist fucking his daughter, who's young, and her asshole is pretty small, and this is a grown man with a big hand. He could be a longshoreman. He could have arms like Popeye.
Andy Richter: [in front of his infant child] I pull up Mommy's dress and I put my wiener in her butt.
Doug Stanhope: [in front of his infant child] ... and I push it into her unwilling anus.
Andy Richter: Then I move my wiener back and forth, until stuff shoots out.
Doug Stanhope: So it's finally just a whole prolapsed rectum. It looks like a serated sea snake. Remember when I took you to Sea World? Yeah.
Andy Richter: And all the stuff shoots on her face.
Doug Stanhope: And I stick my cock in her ass
[pantomines holding his penis]
Doug Stanhope: It's like a shillelaigh, it's all knotted with boils and fibrous tumors. I'll show you a little bit later.
Andy Richter: The brother comes out. He eats stuff off her face.
Doug Stanhope: With this bleeding anus splattering on the crowd. We give the first few rows garbage bags. Have you seen Gallagher?
[baby begins to cry]
Doug Stanhope: Yeah I didn't like it that much myself.
Andy Richter: And they eat the poop off the floor.
Doug Stanhope: and he says taa-daa!
Andy Richter: And the man says "The Aristocrats"
Andy Richter: and did I mention that two of the men are probably Jews?
Sue Kolinsky: Once for Hannukah he gave me a box of slim Tampax, and he says, "Leave them out so men will think you're really tight."
Jon Ross: And then, the denouement... the butt fucking.
Bill Maher: It's a family act, but it's a twist because they're retarded. And what they do is they get on a pile of dead dungs and they fuck each other and then they have a big closing where they fist-fuck an autistic preteen. And the agent says, "Well, what do you call them?" And he says, "The Osbournes."
Wendy Liebman: It's a family, the Cavanaugh's - Ann and William. They're eating dinner, and they just finish, and their maid comes in and she clears the plates. And they have two children, Betsy and Timmy. And Ann suggests that they all go into the drawing room, where Ann then braids Betsy's beautiful blonde hair. The husband, he plays chess with Timmy - and then the maid comes in with strawberries and whipped cream, and they all eat a nice dessert. And that's the act.
Penn Jillette: What do you call an act like that?
Wendy Liebman: The Cocksucking Motherfuckers.
Carrot Top: So a guy goes into a, uh, into a talent agent and he says, "Hey, dude, check it out, I got a great act!" And he's like, "It's not a fuckin' prop act, is it?"
Gilbert Gottfried: And then the talent agent says, "That's awful. What do you call the act?" Like he wants to know, like the name's the important thing! I don't understand why he would say that. It doesn't matter what it's called! Because no one is gonna book this show! Where did these people find employment! How did they develop this act! What made them think this was entertaining! I mean it's surprising they haven't... that they're not all in jail! I mean... and waiting... waiting for the death penalty! You can put people to death for what goes on in the best versions of this joke! Because you're probably saying, if you have any sense of human decency, "Well, why didn't he stop them the minute he saw the father unzipping his pants!" And saying, "This is totally wrong! Call the cops! Something horrible's happening! This is a family who are raping their own children, and performing bestiality! Why, oh, why, is he allowing this to happen!" But that's a whole other story. But, anyway, he says, "What is it called?" because in a joke that's what happens. There's no legal system at all in play in a joke. And then the guy goes, "The Aristocrats." And I always throw in that. That seems to make the whole joke. "The "Aristocrats."
Sarah Silverman: Joe Franklin loved The Aristocrats. He was like our rehearsal director when dad and my brother weren't there, and my mother and my nana weren't there. I was on his show... he said it wasn't a taped show, but we, like, did a show... yeah, it was his office. But he had a bed in it, like a couch... that he called "Uncle Joe's Bed for Little People", because a couch is like a bed for little people, y'know... Joe Franklin raped me.
Dana Gould: It's the perfect joke. Just hearing out loud descriptions of giddy shit-covered incest. And other poems by Maya Angelou.
Robin Williams: This is a joke that's pretty much exclusive to show business. You never hear a physicist going, "It's a muon, you cunt!"
[as she gropes two stuffed animals]
Rita Rudner: Where did these people find employment? How did they develop this act? What made them think that this... this was entertaining?
Judy Gold: People can get up on stage if they want to, you know, finger my niece or touch my nephew's penis.
Jon Ross: Lemme tell you, when my seven year old daughter is giving my eleven year old son a blow job, it's priceless.
Rita Rudner: The people are abusing each other. There's incest.
Jon Stewart: Just the other day I was eating my own shit.
[after Wendy Liebman describes a normal family act]
Penn Jillette: What do you call an act like that?
Wendy Liebman: The Cocksucking Motherfuckers.
Joe Franklin: A man walks into a talent agent's office and says that he has an act...
Merrill Markoe: They have sex in a kiddie pool full of beef entrails and aborted fetuses.
Andy Dick: I come out, dressed as Hitler in crotchless panties.
Otto Peterson: [talking through his ventriloquist's dummy] Have you ever noticed that when you kick your girlfriend in the CUNT she calls the cops?
[in a Liza Minelli voice]
Mario Cantone: In my show, I'm gonna sit on top of the piano and fit the whole thing in my vagina. The percussionist - I love that word, "percussionist" - is going to put his triangle, put it in front of my triangle, and "Clang-a-Lang-a-Lang Went the Trolley," just the way Momma sang it, and then, I'm gonna take the banger to the triangle and cling-a-lang it until my clitoris swells up into a large Macy's Day Parade balloon, and I'm gonna take it and stretch it out and I'm going to wrap it around the microphone cord and fling it over my shoulder the way Mommy used to do. As I'm singing, "What'll I Have That I Don't...
Mario Cantone: Have."
Mario Cantone: Where'd that note go? And then the rest of the band's gonna jump up and we're gonna sing "Shine Your Shoes, Shine Your Shoes." And I'm gonna shine my shoes with my vagina juices, put 'em back on, tap-tap-tap, do a split, and that's the act! I'm gonna call it The Aristocrats.
Mario Cantone: Isn't it terrific?
Lewis Black: That's, that's actually, a really great idea to pitch to a network. I can walk into NBC tomorrow and say I have a dysfunctional family idea. So dysfunctional, it defies description. We have guys fucking and sucking, blowing armadillos, diddling like an 11-year old cheerleader. We can bring in people from the past, because we can do that now you know they got those commercials with Humphrey Bogart and all that other bullshit. And bring back fucking major world leaders of the past 60 years, like Hitler. Mussolini. Genghis Kahn, for god sakes. I just thought of that and that's unbelievable. This is not a joke, this would go on TV. And we blow Hitler, then next episode, we bite his dick off, ha ho! See what happens to Hitler's dick. That'll be turning it on. Phenomenal.
George Carlin: The joke leads me down one path and then it switches the path on me suddenly and hits me with a hammer. It's just, "Here we go folks."
Jon Stewart: Um... Yeah, I think it's best if we don't break it down. Would you agree with that?
Pat Cooper: My grandmother, on the stage, has an abortion! Gives birth to a three-pound Shetland pony! My grandfather is the jockey, comes in third and paid $2.80!
Kyle: Cart-, Cart-, Cartman, I don't want to...
Cartman: [cutting off Kyle] Kyle! Will you hold on, please.
Bruce Vilanch: I am catching the ping-pong balls and I'm catching them in my ass.