Band Camp (2005 Video)
Matt Stifler: What the fuck!
Brandon's friend 1: Are you a rookie, you look lost?
Matt Stifler: Are you an asshole, you're hairy and you smell like shit!
Matt Stifler: I'll have you giving Chloe the pelvic noogie inside a week.
Ernie Kaplowitz: I really want to work for NASA.
Matt Stifler: National Anal Sex Association?
Ernie Kaplowitz: No it's Space Assoc... There's an Anal Sex Association?
Matt Stifler: Oh, yeah, but you've got to be a pro. Wait, there's a Space Association?
Elyse: Are you okay?
Matt Stifler: Oh, yeah.
Elyse: I'm so drunk right now... I'm probably gonna forget about you... porkin' an oboe!
Ernie Kaplowitz: Are you really Scottish?
Matt Stifler: Fuck no! My mom made me learn an instrument; that's the most annoying one I could think of.
Matt Stifler: How's that taste, Vande-cock? Mmmm... good, huh? Warm and salty? Yeah, it's a CUM-pletely new formula! 100% Stiffy Juice! SPF 69!
Mr. Levenstein: [to Elyse and Stifler] Let me see if I have this straight. Elyse, you think Matt is an arrogant jock who wears his penis on his forehead just to gain the approval of his sociopathic older brother. And Matt, you think Elyse is an uptight, geeky prude who needs to, uh, loosen up a bit and get laid.
Mr. Levenstein: Excuse the expression, dear. Is that close to being on the money?
Brandon Vandecamp: I see you 're not wearing you beanie, Stifler.
Matt Stifler: Well, how about I take his beanie...
[takes off Ernie's beanie]
Matt Stifler: ...and put it on my weenie?
Oscar: Let's go Horndog. That's is nickname. Dude will stick his dick in anything, it's unnatural.
Jimmy: This one time in Band Camp, I fucked an oboe.
Matt Stifler: WHAT?
Jimmy: Blowing it for a while. Get that wood nice and warm. Slap on some valve oil, and GO TO TOWN yo!
Brandon Vandecamp: You're going down.
Matt Stifler: No, I'm not. But your mom did last night. Did she play the trumpet? 'Cause she has really strong lips.
Sherman: [to Stifler] When school starts you're going to be on a very short leash. Remember, the Shermanator sees all.
Ernie Kaplowitz: Get her drunk? That's the secret of the ages, that's step number two?
Matt Stifler: No, actually it's step four - but you don't have the balls for two, or the tongue for three!
Mr. Levenstein: We didn't have MTV when I was growing up. So maybe it's the overstimulated times that we live in that causes young men to stick their... instruments in such... odd places. I knew a certain young men once who actually engaged in sexual congress with an apple pie, and he turned out just fine. So, uhh... you're perfectly normal.