Role Models (2008)
Danny: Can I get a large black coffee?
Barista: A what?
Danny: Large black coffee.
Barista: Do you mean a venti?
Danny: No, I mean a large.
Barista: Venti is large.
Danny: No, venti is twenty. Large is large. In fact, tall is large and grande is Spanish for large. Venti is the only one that doesn't mean large. It's also the only one that's Italian. Congratulations, you're stupid in three languages.
Barista: A venti is a large coffee.
Danny: Really? Says who? Fellini? Do you accept lira or is it all euros now?
school boy: Hey nice cow outfit. Where can I pick one of those up at, the gay zoo? Homo.
Danny: No, no. It's not a cow. It's a a minotaur. It's a creature of myth. And he got this one out of your mom's closet.
Wheeler: She let me keep it after I fucked her.
Wheeler: [sits down] What up, Ronnie?
Ronnie Shields: I don't wanna take my pants off!
Wheeler: [stunned] What?
Ronnie Shields: Suck it, "Reindeer Games"!
Danny: I'm not Ben Affleck.
Ronnie Shields: You white, then you Ben Affleck.
Wheeler: You *are* white.
Danny: That's true, I am white.
Gayle Sweeny: [Appropriately hugging Martin] *This* is a perfectly acceptable hug between a little and a big.
[Hugging him from behind]
Gayle Sweeny: *This* is not.
Wheeler: Well, obviously we're not supposed to buttfuck these kids.
Gayle Sweeny: You know what I used to have for breakfast? Cocaine. Know what I had for lunch? Cocaine.
Wheeler: What did you have for dinner?
Danny: Was it cocaine?
Gayle Sweeny: Me and the judge have a special relationship... I don't wanna get too graphic but I sucked his dick for drugs.
Danny: Where am I going to find a girl who hates all the same things I do?
Beth: You're so romantic.
Danny: Hey. Hey... You complete me... You had me at hello.
Beth: Oh, god. Danny you're not hearing what I'm saying to you.
Danny: I'm just a girl standing in front of a boy telling her that... to... love her.
Beth: You don't even know that one.
Danny: Hey, come on. Who are you going to call... Ghostbusters.
Danny: I bet if I suggested a game of Quidditch he'd cum in his pants.
Ronnie Shields: I don't wanna take my pants off.
Wheeler: What? Whoa... Whoa.
Gayle Sweeny: Alright Ronnie, that's enough.
Ronnie Shields: Bitch tried to grab my joint.
Gayle Sweeny: Language, Ronnie.
Ronnie Shields: My language is English, and this mother fucker tried to grab on my hangdown.
Wheeler: I got my own hangdown to touch, kid
Ronnie Shields: Honky ass wanted a handful of my balls.
Wheeler: Honky... that's racist.
Augie Farks: Naysayers tell me "You should be embarrassed." "You should not be fighting." "You look like Marvin Hamlisch." You know what I say to the naysayers? I say "Nay! I am not embarrassed." "I will fight." "Who the hell is Marvin Hamlisch?"
Danny: He wrote the music for The Sting.
Wheeler: That's a good movie.
Gayle Sweeny: Well, well, well. If it isn't Mr. Bullshit and Dr. I'm-full-of-shit?
Wheeler: In what way are we full of shit?
Danny: Which one of us has the Ph.D?
Danny: God dammit Ronnie!
Ronnie Shields: What? Because I'm black you think I did it?
Danny: No, because you did it is why I think you did it.
[Ronnie jumps on tent pole]
Danny: Let me tell you something, I am not your big, but I'll hit you. I will hit a child. I've never done that before, but I will punch you in the face.
Ronnie Shields: Let's dance, Ben Affleck!
Beth: Yes, Wheeler?
Wheeler: This may be a stupid question. The Get Out of Jail Free Card: Is that real?
Beth: That's not a stupid question.
Danny: It's real in the game of Monopoly.
Wheeler: But Monopoly is based on true events.
Gayle Sweeny: I know why you are here, so don't BS a BSer, Ok? Your "Presence" here, court ordered.
Danny: Why did you put presence in quotes? Are you implying that we aren't here?
Danny: [on the phone] I'd love to see you... and your whispering eye. Alright. Bye.
Danny: Whispering eye?
Augie Farks: It means vagina.
Augie Farks: It means vagina.
Danny: Classy move, man.
Augie Farks: It means vagina.
Esplen: Um... Augie, now that I'm queen... I was wondering if, maybe, you'd want to be my... king?
Augie Farks: [grinning] Sure!
Augie Farks: Am I supposed to kiss you now?
[Esplen giggles and they kiss]
Augie Farks: [to himself] Fuck yeah!
Danny: No, I like to rock n' roll all night and *part* of every day. I usually have errands... I can only rock from like 1-3.
Kuzzik: Diana has put away her bosom. Apollo has lifted his skirt. The day has been launched.
Ronnie Shields: [Ronnie sees a "KISS" pinball machine] Who are these clowns?
Wheeler: KISS? You don't know who KISS is?
Ronnie Shields: No, never heard of them. They look like idiots to me.
Wheeler: No, no, no, dude, these are four of the smartest guys who ever lived. They're these Jewish guys who grew up in New York, and they put on guitars and makeup to get girls, and all their songs are about fucking.
Ronnie Shields: I'm listening.
Wheeler: ["Love Gun" starts playing on the stereo] Seriously, this song is called "Love Gun" and it's about Paul Stanley's dick and how this girl's gonna get some of his dick
Ronnie Shields: Cool. I didn't know Jews could sing like that.
Wheeler: No, no, they couldn't at the time. That's why they had to dress like clowns.
Ronnie Shields: This got them girls?
Wheeler: Get this: they've been getting pussy non-stop for 30 years. They're probably fucking right now and they're old dudes! They put makeup on and it's all good!
Ronnie Shields: No, shit!
Wheeler: [singing] You pulled the trigger on my love gun! See Ronnie, his dick is the gun!
Ronnie Shields: Damn, she got some boobies on her.
Wheeler: You sure are a fan of the boobies, kid.
Ronnie Shields: Oh yeah. Sometimes I call myself "The Booby Watcher". I even have my own comic book. "The Adventures of The Booby Watcher".
Wheeler: Okay. You know, I have a theory about boobies.
Ronnie Shields: Really?
Wheeler: Oh yeah. You see, there are as many women as there are men in this world.
Ronnie Shields: True dat, true dat.
Wheeler: And every woman has two boobs, for the most part. So there are twice as many boobs as there are men. We're outnumbered and it's overwhelming. We're powerless, and we have to accept it.
Ronnie Shields: I like yo' take on boobies. And I like boobies.
Wheeler: Kid, you got a lot to learn.
Ronnie Shields: I know what I'm doin'.
Wheeler: Oh really? So you don't realize you've just committed one of the most common rookie boob-watching errors?
Ronnie Shields: What you mean?
Wheeler: Never stare at the boobies, kid. Once you get caught, the game's over.
Ronnie Shields: But how?
Wheeler: It's called training. You know, being aware without drawing attention. You don't think I've noticed those 34 C's in the camouflage tank top setting up a tent directly to the left of us? Or how about those twin cannons hiking up a mountain ridge 50 yards due west? Or the ridge itself? Round mounds of grass shaped like...
Ronnie Shields: Boobies!
Wheeler: Don't look over there. Look here. Focus... You'll get it.
Danny: [while urinating neon green liquid] Jeez, it's like Shrek's piss.
Gayle Sweeny: You're standing over there, and you're standing over there, and I don't know which way is up!
Danny: Man, why do you bow for that guy?
Augie Farks: Because he's the king, and he rules the entire realm.
Danny: Oh he rules the entire realm? Oh my bad.
Danny: Is that when he is or isn't whacking it to The Sims?
Danny: I'm in a rut, we're in a rut. Let's shake things up. I have an idea, let's get married! I don't have a ring...
Gayle Sweeny: I'm not here to service you, I'm here to service these young boys.
Danny: Eight hours down, 142 to go.
Wheeler: This sucks ass.
Danny: Dude, I just spent the afternoon in Middle-earth with glee-glop and the floopty-doos, all right? Give me a fucking break.
Ronnie Shields: We are butt suck, chipmunk ass butt! We got ass butt, oh yo ass butt!
Wheeler: Come sit on, sit down! Please! Danny?
Danny: I like Ronnie's version better. I like how it invokes the concept of "ass" and "butt".
Ronnie Shields: You're my PIC, Wheeler.
Wheeler: What's a PIC?
Ronnie Shields: Partner in crime. You're my PIC. Just don't cock-block me tonight.
Wheeler: Did you know that bald eagles are known to engage in a bizarre mating ritual where two eagles fly upwards, lock talons, and fall towards the earth while rotating, separating almost before they crash into the ground, if and only if they consummate their bird fuck. If they don't, they are willing to accept their death by hard ground. It's the ultimate race against the clock.
Augie Farks: Why are you telling me this?
Wheeler: Why would I not?
Gayle Sweeny: Why don't you lay out two lines of your selfishness, which is your blow, draw the shades, take the phone off the hook, grab a straw, and snort!
Duane: We are gonna make s'mores with white chocolate.
Martin Gary: Oh-ho, I don't know if I agree with that.
Augie Farks: Would you like to come in and see my turtle?
Danny: I'm fine.
Ronnie Shields: Of course he has turtle.
Linda the Teacher: You have been a bad boy.
Wheeler: Oh yes I have.
Linda the Teacher: You have been misbehaving, and now you need to stay after class.
Wheeler: While this is one of my top fantasies, I need to get back to my friend.
Linda the Teacher: Are you sure?
[She takes off her dress]
Wheeler: Oh he'll be fine. He's 10.
Gayle Sweeny: Oh, and F.Y.I., you're playing on this girl's court now, okay? So you're playing by her rules.
Wheeler: Are you the coach?
Gayle Sweeny: I am the coach. I'm the coach and I'm the point guard, I'm the two forwards, the center, and I'm the other guard. I'm the entire organization.
Ronnie Shields: Chicken wings, chicken wings, hot dogs and baloney, Chicken and macaroni, Chillin' with my homies, Chicken wings, Chicken wings
Martin Gary: You know, a lot of people don't realize that bushes, just like flowers, emit a wonderful aroma especially at night. Who wants to sniff this bush?
King Argotron: [Looks at Danny] Bow as your daughter does. Xanthians! Why bother?
Wheeler: Thanks for everything. Guess what I did last night.
Gayle Sweeny: [Playing with a hot dog] Put it back it.
Wheeler: What I'm trying to say is that when I get out of prison, can I hang out with your ten-year-old son?
Wheeler: I don't have crabs! What have you been telling these kids?
Ronnie Shields: That you have crabs.
Wheeler: [Kiss's "Love Gun" plays on the stereo] You see, Ronnie, his *dick* is the gun!