Motormouth Maybelle: [to Seaweed and Penny] Oh, so this is love?
[pauses, then smiles]
Motormouth Maybelle: Well, love is a gift, a lot of people don't remember that. So, you two better brace yourselves for a whole lotta ugly comin' at you from a neverending parade of stupid.
Penny Pingleton: [deadpans] So, you've met my mom?
Corny Collins: [singing] Who cares about sleep when you can snooze in school? You'll never get to college but you'll sure look cool!
Teacher: Oh, and Mr. Larkin, perhaps you'd like to share with the rest of the class, Patrick Henry's immortal last words?
Link Larkin: Kiss my ass?
Link Larkin: I was just at home, practicing my new twist on The Twist, when I overheard it on the news. I can't believe Tracy savagely bludgeoned an Eagle Scout. That's just not like her.
Edna Turnblad: But it's not true! I was there! He didn't even bleed.
Link Larkin: I shoulda been there, beside her. I can't sleep. I can't eat...
Edna Turnblad: You can't eat? Well, come on in and worry with us. I'll make you some pork.
Tracy Turnblad: Negro Day's the best! I wish every day were Negro Day!
Seaweed: At our house... it is.
Penny Pingleton: [looks into the camera] I am now a checkerboard chick!
[grabs Seaweed and kisses him passionately]
Motormouth Maybelle: [watching Edna walk in] If we get any more white people in here, this is gonna be a suburb.
Penny Pingleton: Without that show I have nothing!
Prudy Pingleton: Having nothing builds character!
Edna Turnblad: [singing] You can't stop my happiness, 'cuz I like the way I am. And you just can't stop my knife and fork when I see a Christmas ham! And if you don't like the way I look, then I just don't give a damn!
Penny Pingleton: Oh, no!
Tracy Turnblad: What?
Penny Pingleton: Your hair deflated!
Tracy Turnblad: Let it. It was just a symbol of my conformity to the man.
Penny Pingleton: You are so tough.
Seaweed: Livin' in the ghetto, black is everywhere you go. Who'd have thought I'd love a girl whose skin was white as winter snow?
Penny Pingleton: In my ivory tower, life was just a Hostess snack, but now I've tasted chocolate, and I'm never goin' back!
Corny Collins: Roll Call!
Council Members: I'm Amber! Brad! Tammy! Fender! Brenda! Sketch! Shelley! IQ! Lou Ann! Joey! Mikey! Vicki! Becky! Bix! Jesse! Darla! Paulie! Noreen! Doreen! And I'm... Link!
Wilbur Turnblad: [to Tracy] This is America, babe, you gotta think big to be big.
Edna Turnblad: Big ain't the problem in this family, Wilbur.
Penny Pingleton: Seaweed? Shhh, don't let her hear you!
Seaweed: What happened to you?
Penny Pingleton: [sighs] She's punishing me for harboring a fugitive without her permission. What are you doing?
Seaweed: I'm here to rescue the fair maiden, baby.
Penny Pingleton: Oh, Seaweed, you do care! I was afraid the colors of our skin would keep us apart.
Seaweed: No... but these knots might.
[still trying to untie her]
Seaweed: Was your mom in the Navy?
Velma Von Tussle: [after "New Girl in Town"] How dare you pick the same song!
Motormouth Maybelle: They wrote it.
Motormouth Maybelle: Well, looks like y'all took a step outta bounds.
Motormouth Maybelle: Who've we got here?
Seaweed: Mom, I want you to meet my new friends. This here is Link, Tracy Turnblad...
Tracy Turnblad: [interrupts] This is just so afro-tastic!
Seaweed: And this young lady right here, is Penny Pingleton.
Penny Pingleton: I'm very pleased and scared to be here.
Motormouth Maybelle: Now, honey, we got more reason to be scared on your street.
Tracy Turnblad: Penny, the cops are looking for me everywhere... you could go to jail for helping me!
Penny Pingleton: Tracy, I'm already in jail. Come on!
Link Larkin: [bumping into Tracy] Sorry little darlin. Hope I didn't dent your 'do.
Edna Turnblad: Penny, get home before your mother shoots you.
Corny Collins: I'd like to welcome our new council member, Miss Tracy Turnblad! Tracy, cozy up to ol' Corny and tell us a little bit about yourself
Tracy Turnblad: Well, I watch the Corny Collins show everyday and I do nothing else!
Corny Collins: Oh!
Tracy Turnblad: I also hope to be the first female president... or a rockette!
Corny Collins: As your first act as president, what would you do?
Tracy Turnblad: Hmm...
Tracy Turnblad: ... I'd make everyday Negro Day!
Corny Collins: I read you like tomorrow's headlines!
Corny Collins: And now it's time to say goodbye to our very own fun-lovin', free-wheelin' little Brenda.
Corny Collins: [looks to Brenda] Come on up here, Brenda. Brenda will be taking a leave of absence from the show. How long are you gonna be gone, Brenda?
Brenda: [smiles nervously] Just nine months.
Edna Turnblad: Imagine! My little girl... regular, at last.
Penny Pingleton: [after Tracy is rejected by Velma and the Council Members] I think they secretly liked you.
Seaweed: My mom's havin' a platter party tonight. Y'all wanna come check it out?
Tracy Turnblad: Now?
Penny Pingleton: Would you mind if I, too, checked it out? I've never been to North Avenue before.
Link Larkin: Uh... well, would it be safe, you know... for us?
Seaweed: Calm down, cracker boy, it's cool.
Penny Pingleton: Wow! Being invited places by colored people!
Tracy Turnblad: It feels so hip!
Seaweed: I'm glad y'all feel that way, 'cause, uh, not many people do.
Tracy Turnblad: I think I've kind of been in a bubble... thinking that fairness was gonna just happen. It's not. People like me are gonna have to get up off their fathers' laps and go out and fight for it.
Velma Von Tussle: They're just kids, that's why we have to steer them in the white direction.
Corny Collins: [pause] RIGHT direction?
Velma Von Tussle: Isn't that what I said?
Amber von Tussel: [on the phone with Edna, disguising her voice] My name is Mike.
Edna Turnblad: [off-camera] Mike?
Amber von Tussel: Yes, Mike.
Edna Turnblad: Mike who?
Amber von Tussel: [slips back into her normal voice] It's MIKE!
[catches herself, coughs]
Amber von Tussel: Anyway... I'm calling because I have some information about your daughter's whereabouts.
Edna Turnblad: What?
Amber von Tussel: Right now, as we speak, your daughter has entered a hotbed of moral... turpentine.
Corny Collins: Tell me, Velma, how exactly do you fire Corny Collins from the Corny Collins show?
Velma Von Tussle: [starts to speak and then pauses, frustrated] They do it all the time on "Lassie"!
Tracy Turnblad: People who are different, their time is coming!
Corny Collins: [at the conclusion of "It's Hairspray"] Hey, baby! You look like you could use a stiff one!
Edna Turnblad: Well, I had a dream that I would own a coin-operated laundromat but I came down from that cloud real quickly!
Velma Von Tussle: [singing] Those poor runner-ups/Might still hold some grudges/They padded their 'cups'/But I screwed the judges.
Wilbur Turnblad: [to a sobbing Edna, who thinks he's been cheating on her] Honey, took me five years to figure out you were flirting!
Wilbur Turnblad: How could I ever?
Tracy Turnblad: I'm a bad, bad girl who needs to be punished.
Edna Turnblad: Would you keep that racket down? I'm trying to iron, here!
Link Larkin: [presents Amber with a ring] It's time.
Amber von Tussel: Oh!
[Amber and Link kiss]
Velma Von Tussle: Amber! Save your personal life for the camera, sweetie! Oop, shiny!
[sends Amber off to makeup for more powder]
Velma Von Tussle: 'Detroit sound?' What's that? The cries of people being mugged?
Prudy Pingleton: Get the jump rope, Penny.
Penny Pingleton: [runs out of the room] Mom, not the jump rope!
Prudy Pingleton: [to Tracy] Don't you touch my canned tuna!
Prudy Pingleton: [to Penny] Wait till your father gets out of prison, you'll see more than a jump rope!
Mr. Spritzer: [about Tracy] I want that chubby Communist girl off my show!
Amber von Tussel: [to her classmates] Oh, and it's totally not true about her and the entire football team. I mean, please: anybody can get grass stains all over their back.
Link Larkin: Amber, stop it. I'm sick of you doing that! Just because she's a good dancer...
Amber von Tussel: [scoffs] Uh, I'm sorry... you think that she can dance? Well, maybe you'd rather have her as your partner. You could get sponsored by Goodyear!
Edna Turnblad: No one is auditioning for anything in this household!
Tracy Turnblad: But why not? Why not?
Edna Turnblad: Dancing is not your future. One day, you're going to own Edna's Occidental Laundry.
Tracy Turnblad: I don't want to be a laundress. I want to be famous.
Edna Turnblad: If you want to be famous, learn how to take blood out of car upholstery. That's a skill you can take right to the bank.
Velma Von Tussle: [disgusted] Oh!
[forces a smile]
Velma Von Tussle: Mrs. Turnblad! I'd know whose mother you were ANYWHERE.
[notices Edna's outfit]
Velma Von Tussle: Oh, let me guess - new dress?
Edna Turnblad: [nods, shyly but proudly]
Velma Von Tussle: Well... you'll stop traffic!
Edna Turnblad: [looks away, crushed]
Velma Von Tussle: It was nice meeting you... Tracy.
[struts away with Amber, as Edna starts crying]
Tracy Turnblad: Mama, don't you DARE listen to a word she says!
[Edna appears not to hear her]
Tracy Turnblad: Come on! She's just worried that I'm going to win the Miss Teenage Hairspray contest!
Edna Turnblad: [stops crying immediately and looks at Tracy, impressed] ... Really?
Link Larkin: Uh... we're on live.
Amber von Tussel: You have to vote for a person! Not one of the Himalayas.
Ensemble: [singing] Ever since we first saw the sun, a man and woman liked to shake it when the day is done. And so we're gonna shake and shimmy it and have some fun today. Cause you can't stop the motion of the ocean or the rain from above. They can try to stop the paradise that we're dreamin' of, but you'll never stop the rhythm of two hearts in love to stay. Cause you can't stop the beat. You can't stop the beat. You can't stop the beat. You can't stop the beat. You can't stop the beat.
Link Larkin: [to Tracy] I think knowing you is the start of a pretty big adventure.
Velma Von Tussle: [to Edna, about Tracy] Tracy certainly has redefined our standards
Amber von Tussel: That's for sure.
Prudy Pingleton: [about Tracy, who was just on the news] You see? You see! If I let you leave the house right now, you'd be in prison, fighting whores for cigarettes. That Tracy Turnblad always was a bad influence! Well, you are never, ever gonna see that beehived harlot again.
Penny Pingleton: [sees Tracy in the window, gets up to leave] Okay, mother. Excuse me.
Prudy Pingleton: Penny!
[offers her a rosary]
Prudy Pingleton: Pray for her. She's gonna need it.
Penny Pingleton: Mom, please don't send my best friend to the big house!
Prudy Pingleton: [grabs Penny] Penny, hush!
Tracy Turnblad: You haven't heard the last of me, Mrs. Pingleton! Things need to change, and I won't stop trying to change them. I don't care how long it takes.
Prudy Pingleton: Good! You'll be waiting twenty to life.
Prudy Pingleton: [tying Penny to her bed with a jump rope, as Penny stoically says nothing]
Prudy Pingleton: Penny Lou Pingleton, you are absolutely, positively, permanently punished. You will live on a diet of saltines and Tang, and you will never leave this room again.
Prudy Pingleton: [tosses holy water on Penny] Devil child, devil child!
Penny Pingleton: [glowers at her mother]
Tammy: Are you scared we're on live?
Tracy Turnblad: No, I'm sure I can cope.
Amber Von Tussle: Well, this show isn't broadacst in...
Velma Von Tussle: I never drank one chocolate malt. No desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs.
Edna Turnblad: First the hair, now this?
Wilbur Turnblad: But, all the kids are battin' up their hair now, hon.
Edna Turnblad: [to Wilbur] You're no help.
Tracy Turnblad: It's ratting, daddy.
Tracy Turnblad: And our first lady, Jacqueline Kennedy does it!
Edna Turnblad: I don't believe that.
Tracy Turnblad: What do you mean you don't believe that? How else would it look that way?
Edna Turnblad: I believe that it is naturally stiff.
Police Chief: [while on the lookout for Tracy] I doubt she'll risk jail to win some beauty pageant.
Velma Von Tussle: [to herself] I risked communicable diseases. She'll certainly risk jail.
Corny Collins: Velma, isn't this where it's all heading anyway? Now you can fight it, or you can rock out to it!
Edna Turnblad: If you protest you'll be in files! You'll be on lists! J. Edgar Hoover will still be wire-tapping your cold dead body in the grave.
Link Larkin: That's my shot, Trace.
Tracy Turnblad: But, it's whats right.
Link Larkin: I'm sorry, Trace. I just think this adventure is a little too big for me.
Velma Von Tussle: [singing to Wilbur] You're gonna need more than some seltzer to put out this fire.
Motormouth Maybelle: [singing] Oh, oh, oh... you can't stop today as it comes speeding down the track! Child, yesterday is history, and it's never coming back! 'Cause tomorrow is a brand new day, and it don't know white from black! 'Cause the world keeps spinnin' 'round and 'round, and my heart's keepin' time to the speed of sound... I was lost 'till I heard the drums and I found my way, 'cause you can't stop the beat!
Velma Von Tussle: Incredible! I could do a fan dance with a lettuce leaf and you would remain completely obtuse!
Wilbur Turnblad: Obtuse?
Velma Von Tussle: Yes, obtuse!
Wilbur Turnblad: I flunked geometry...
Velma Von Tussle: ...yes, and biology too, no doubt!
Amber von Tussel: I lost, Mom. Let's just deal with it!
Velma Von Tussle: [as she pulls the tallies out of her dress] You did not lose! You can not have lost because I switched the damn tallies!
Edna Turnblad: [standing behind a live television camera] Smile, Miss Crabcakes! You're on Candid Camera!
Wilbur Turnblad: That was a good shot! Don't you think?
Penny Pingleton: I don't know why we have this room, but there's food, water, a bed, gas mask, Russian language books...
Tracy Turnblad: ...and it's really well insulated.
Wilbur Turnblad: [to Edna, as she resists the urge to jump onto the stage and dance] Do it now! Or forever wish you had!
Velma Von Tussle: How can you taint a cancerous can of chemicals?
Corny Collins: It looks like we have an opening here for another girl who is just as fun-lovin' but maybe not as free-wheelin'!
Amber von Tussel: [to Shelley] Do that again, and there'll be stumps where your feet are, you got that? You little who...
Link Larkin: [interrupting] Hey, Amber
Amber von Tussel: [to Link]
- Oley moley!
Edna Turnblad: [catching Tracy at Motormouth Maybelle's Record Shop] No call? You just disappear?
[looks Link up and down]
Edna Turnblad: And all mashed up against a crooner!
Motormouth Maybelle: [after demonstrating a dance] That's the way you do it!
Edna Turnblad: [called from off camera] Link, your pork is ready!
Mr. Pinky: [guessing Edna's sizes] 54-Double D?
Edna Turnblad: Triple E
Mr. Pinky: [shouts] I hit the Mother Lode!
Penny Pingleton: [to Tracy, at the dance] Get out there and show them!
Motormouth Maybelle: [to Edna] Are you sure you wouldn't like to have a little something to eat?
Edna Turnblad: [looks at pot roast] Is that braised?
Mr. Pinky: There's my shining star! Fantastic to meet you! I'm Mr. Pinky
Tracy Turnblad: It's so nice to meet you!
Mr. Pinky: Tracy, is this your older sister?
Edna Turnblad: Oh!
Mr. Pinky: Perhaps you both would like some complimentary couture?
[hands them a tray of doughnuts]
Edna Turnblad: Couture?
Mr. Pinky: [presents Edna with Tracy's spokesgirl contract] Now, if you could just sign here...
Edna Turnblad: Flattery will not distract Miss Turnblad's agent from reading the fine print!
Mr. Pinky: [flabbergasted] Her agent?
Edna Turnblad: [hands Tracy the food tray] Tracy, eat your doughnuts.
[to Mr. Pinky]
Edna Turnblad: Let's talk...
Tracy Turnblad: [singing] Oh, oh, oh, woke up today, feeling the way I always do. Oh, oh, oh, hungry for something that I can't eat. Then I hear that beat. That rhythm of town starts calling me down. It's like a message from high above. Oh, oh, oh, pulling me out to the smiles and the streets that I love. Good morning, Baltimore!