Nathan Barley (2005– )
Nathan Barley: A taxi home with a bird who's been hitting on you like some kind of industrial hammer, stroking her tits, tending the garden, giving the taxi driver a hard-on. Now back home, fingers roam, phat reggae on the decks, and you feelin' the foam. Trashbat says "Nice and gently, easy as you park the Bentley!" Bring it down. Trashbat is two people leaping from the twin towers and fucking on the way down!
Jonatton Yeah?: [after watching Nathan Barley's prank video]
Jonatton Yeah?: That's hilarious and co.
Rufus Onslatt: We should give Nathan Barley a column.
Ned Smanks: Yeah, we should give Nathan Barley a column.
Rufus Onslatt: Yeah like call it..."Nathan Barley's Column"?
Ned Smanks: Hey, let's just call it "Barley", man.
Rufus Onslatt: Yeah, man, or like "Nathan".
Ned Smanks: Yeah, ?cause like, that could be like two columns.
Dan: [sarcastic] Two columns.
Rufus Onslatt: Yeah, and like maybe one would be *better* than the other one.
Ned Smanks: Yeah, yeah, and you? and you'd only read the good one.
Dan: [impatient] How would you tell which one was the good one?
Ned Smanks: [dumbfounded]
Ned Smanks: Check 'em out. Direct comparison.
Rufus Onslatt: Like, you'd read them both to find out which is the best one.
Ned Smanks: Yeah, and then you'd just read the good one.
Dan: [has lost patience]
[looks to Jonatton]
Dan: Are we gonna' do this?
Jonatton Yeah?: Yeah? OK.
Ned Smanks: [to Dan] Take the day off!
Rufus Onslatt: Can we go home early?
Ned Smanks: I'm gonna' do laps, basically, after that.
Nathan Barley: You should come, dollsnatch. It's gonna be total fucking Mexico.
Claire Ashcroft: All right, Toby?
Toby: I'm a bit cross with you, actually.
Claire Ashcroft: With me? Why?
Toby: I was waiting for you all night last night in my pyjamas, and you went and let Nathan do a fuck in your arse.
Nathan Barley: Trashbat is a night down the pub with your mates and it's fuckin' mental. A move from the pub to the club for some awesome sounds. Choppin' the chalk out, on the cistern, snout it up and
Nathan Barley: fuckin? the system!
Rufus Onslatt: [hollers] Dan Ashcroft! "The Rise of the Idiots". Awesome fuckin' opinions, dude.
Ned Smanks: Yeah, well plastic.
Rufus Onslatt: Laterz, dude.
Ned Smanks: Keep it foolish.
Nathan Barley: [narating for his online video blog] This is the Promo party for the launch of Sugar Ape's "Vice Issue". "The Bat" was down here for boobs, tubes and pubes. This is Nathan Barley for "Trashbat".
Nathan Barley: Ned Smanks, Rufus Onslatt: Sugar Ape Crew! So what's the fuckin' contact?
Rufus Onslatt: Well right yeah. Well the idea, yeah, was to make it look like these models are being molested in a magazine office.
Ned Smanks: When actually that's not what was *really* happening.
Rufus Onslatt: Yeah, only coz' they were all in on it, yeah, it isn't.
Ned Smanks: 'Cept coz' we were actually fucking them, it *kind* of is.
Nathan Barley: Yeah, yeah, I touched two of 'em.
Nathan Barley: [approaches hairdresser] Alright, my man!
Nathan Barley: Yeah, stout.
Hairdresser: What style?
Nathan Barley: Geek Pie.
Hairdresser: [impatiently hands him illustrating board] Draw.
Nathan Barley: [begins illustrating] It's kind of long here, yeah, but short here like its been done at random, but if you look closely, eh, you can see that it hasn't, 'cept you can't tell that... and it's got a few of these in it, yeah paint... lids.
[hands hairdresser small paint tins]
Dan: [in bank applying for loan] Twenty thousand pounds?
Bank manager: [looks bemused] Twenty thousand pounds?
Bank manager: I don't think we can do that.
[points to his paint-strewn, half cut hair]
Dan: Well ignore this. This isn't... you know. Eh... tried to sort this out this morning, but the barber couldn't finish because I killed his cat.
Bank manager: You killed the barber's cat?
Dan: By accident, yep. So, emm... so just, that's not me.
[pause, and he leaves]