Hero: Listen to me. A storm o'hell's coming down on this place any second. I don't know what they are, I don't know where they came from. All I do know is that these fuckers are fast, nasty, and hungry... and there's four of 'em. They got claws like Ginsu knives and more teeth than a chainsaw. They're comin'... right now. So we gotta lock this bar down. That means doors, windows, drains, and zippers, and we gotta do it now. You! Get a phone, call the cops, National Guard, townies, anybody who kicks ass, and get 'em out here. Any questions?
Bartender: Yeah. Who the hell are you?
Hero: I'm the guy that's gonna save your ass.
[a monster immediately reaches through the window and kills him]
[after trapping one of the creatures]
Bozo: We're okay.
[hears another creature growling]
Bozo: Scratch that.
Coach: Oh dear.
Honey Pie: What? What's he doing?
Bozo: They're humping!
Beer Guy: Aw man! The monsters are doing it doggy style.
Hot Wheels: Monster sex.
Bartender: C'mon, I'll take you to your car.
Honey Pie: [as Coach steps up beside Honey Pie at the bar] Not tonight. I have an escort.
Bartender: That'll be eighteen bucks, pal.
Bartender: [Coach opens wallet to pay, wedding ring falls out. Honey Pie shoves him to the ground and walks off. Re: tab] Guess I'll just keep this open.
Honey Pie: [Notices Bozo and Hot Wheels have been watching her undress, wash blood off] Act like you've had some.
Bozo: Oh, I've had some, baby.
Hot Wheels: [voice cracking] I haven't.
Honey Pie: [Re: first monster trapped and killed] Jeez, it took all that? All those bullets?
Beer Guy: That's the LITTLE one? We can't fight these things! No way!
Heroine: We can still fight them. We just gotta be clever.
Coach: Maybe we don't have to fight them at all.
Bozo: Yeah, why don't we just call 'em names.
Bozo: Any more ideas, Animal Planet?
Coach: I-I was just being proactive!
Bartender: Hey Dipshit, I didn't see you helpin' did I...
Bozo: Oh, go douche, Grandpa!
Beer Guy: What now?
Tuffy: We're stuck in here, that's what.
Grandma: [Drunkenly] What?
Bozo: You know somethin'!
Bozo: You're old! You've seen things!
Grandma: I don't know a thing.
Bartender: Easy there...
Bozo: Back off me, whitey! I'm interrogating her.
Bozo: Old people know things, like legends and tall tales and shit.
Grandma: No... really... I don't...
Bozo: Come on! Spill it! Or I'll get rough!
Grandma: I don't know anything!
[Points to Bartender]
Grandma: Why don't you ask him? He's old!
Heroine: Relax. She doesn't know anything.
Bozo: Yeah... allegedly.
Bozo: [Locked in bedroom as monster is coming through window] Okay! I'm ready to come out now!
Bartender: [Bartender fumbles outside with key; it breaks in the lock] Oh.
Bozo: [Panicking, rattling doorknob] OH? WHAT DO YOU MEAN, "OH"?
Coach: [Relatively calmly. i.e. oh, shit] Cheese and crackers.
Coach: [Both peering outside through secret hatch door in the dark basement] You know, you and I have a lot of similarities. Strong. Resolute...
Heroine: You need to be quiet.
Coach: I'm sorry. I talk when I'm nervous.
Coach: It's just, it's been a while since someone's been horribly killed, and it seems like an opportune time for someone to be... well... offed.
Heroine: What did I say? Shh.
Coach: Sorry. I'm done now.
Coach: [Hoisting himself out the hatch door] Great men will tell of my bravery.
Beer Guy: I think were gonna be okay, guys. Yeah, I think were gonna be alright. You know, this is just some leaky barrel, radiation, toxic dump waste, enviro-crap, freak-beast accident that crawled out of the sewer, man. That's all this is.