Tom Goes to the Mayor (2004– )
Mike Fox: [the Mayor is watching "Scared Straight" on TV] My name is Mike Foxx and I've lost thirteen of my own children - four to wind poisoning, two to sand rash, five to deadly crickets, and at least six to a mysterious drifter who looks and sounds like this guy:
Mysterious Drifter: This is the sound of my voice!
The Mayor: Oh, no!
Tom Peters: I had just an idea I wanted to run past you about children's safety...
The Mayor: That's interesting, Tom. I just had a meeting with my TV about that. Let me hear your thoughts.
Tom Peters: Well, uh, child safety, uh, right... the first and, uh, last step is to establish a perimeter surrounding our, you know, parks and zoos and, uh, nurseries, and day-care centers, and elementary...
The Mayor: Bear traps.
Tom Peters: [long pause] Uh... uh, okay, uh...
The Mayor: You're talking about using bear traps to surround these safe zones, right? I love it.
Tom Peters: Well, no, I-I...
The Mayor: You sold me on this idea.
Tom Peters: Oh. Wow.
[Tom and The Mayor are delivering a proposal to the city council]
Tom Peters: Well, basically, I've done a lot of research, and, um, we think that the best way to protect our youngest citizens in Jefferton here is to... surround them with, uh, bear traps.
The Mayor: Wonderful, Tom, wonderful.
Tom Peters: It's basically for their protection, so I don't know why you wouldn't want to do that. Of course, obviously there's a little bit of risk, so, um... actually, a lot, uh, a tremendous amount of risk, um... I hate to say it, but I will guarantee that a number of kids will be injured or possibly, um... killed in the project...
Tom Peters: [a long beat] Thank you.
The Mayor: [Tom is unconscious in a dumpster] Thomas! Tom-boy! Tom! Tom, are you okay?
Tom Peters: Oh, wow...
The Mayor: It's okay... I'm gonna hold up your head for you.
Tom Peters: ...think I hit my head... wh... where am I? What time is it?
The Mayor: Well... I've been keeping you in this dumpster for weeks now. Found this vest on a hobo and put it on you to keep you warm, 'cause you've been way too tender to move.
Tom Peters: Oh. Okay. What's that smell?
The Mayor: Tom, what you're probably smelling is the cat food. I've been coming by every night to feed you, and since you're unconscious, I would take a dollop of the wet cat food and stick it in your mouth and then move your jaw up and down like a chewing motion.
The Mayor: But in that process, some of the cat food fell out onto your lips and your face and it hardened a little bit in your hair and on your shirt.
Tom Peters: Okay. Right.
The Mayor: C'mon now, don't worry. I'll carry you over.
Tom Peters: I think I have B.M. in my pants.
Wizzard: Wizz! Totally wizzed out - bass fishing with my motherf*****g son. Wizz! Totally wizzed out - he's dead but that does't mean we can't have fun. Wizz! Yo, it's Wizzard! Meet me at this year's Jefferton Bass Fest - join the "Bass Circle' - meet bass techs and pros! - join me as I attempt to hit the low G, three octaves lower than any man has ever played.