Employee of the Month (2006)
Russell: You're like the drummer from REO Speedwagon. Nobody knows who you are.
Vince: [Jorge takes out a knife while they are in Zack's house, changing all the clocks, and his grandmother comes into the room] What are you doing? There are no weapons in this mission. I will not do time for you. I will roll over on you.
Lon: Wow, that's gotta hurt. I mean, he's always doin' that to you. Stealing your thunder. You remember the red head? In gardening? Boinked her behind the monkey grass. And the asian in automotive? Did her on a pile of carburetors. Oh, and the blonde in frozen foods, with the... Doink! Doink! Turkeys done! Remember her?
Lon: [sticks his fingers out of his chest]
Russell: Oh yeah, that picture goes up on the wall she slides into the sack faster than a singed Koala bear looking for an all night burn center.
Russell: Check it out guy, he's the alpha male of the store... chicks always go after the alpha male, they're like lions... kings of the desert. And you, you're just a little tiny fieldmouse dangling in the teeth of the lion while he's banging your chick. Oh wait a minute... boxboy, you're like the little hairy nutsack on the little hairy fieldmouse swinging back and forth while he's banging your chick...
Zack: [radio] You're metaphors are magical, but shut the hell up! please?
Russell: [radio] Roger... Just going back and forth hairy calahari style in and out with his big...
Russell: Jesus Christ. Where the hell are we, Chuck E. Cheese-istian?
Grumpy Lady: [Woman struggling to load a casket onto a cart] Damn! The thing's heavier than it looks.
Zack: Hi, do you need some help with that?
Grumpy Lady: Yes, thank you.
[They get the casket into the cart]
Grumpy Lady: It's for my husband.
Zack: Oh, I'm sorry to hear about that.
Grumpy Lady: Oh, he's not dead. Not yet. It's just too good a deal to pass up.
Zack: Well, do you need some help getting it to your car?
Grumpy Lady: No, thank you. The lazy prick's waiting for me. I'm gonna make him load it.
Zack: Well, good luck murdering your husband.
Zack: If you need my help, holler.
Grumpy Lady: [Woman on her way out of the store] Excuse me.
Grumpy Lady: That young man is wonderful. I'll be back for sure, just because of him.
Dirk: [Dirk looks at Vince] Oh, that man there? No surprise.
Grumpy Lady: No.
Grumpy Lady: [Woman goes over to Zack] This is the guy. He's a wonderful fella.
Dirk: Well thank you. May I help you find your way to your car?
Grumpy Lady: I know where it is. Idiot.
Vince: [after Vince is revealed to have been giving stuff away, he runs off and Semi tackles him to the ground]
[writhes in pain]
Vince: Now I know why they call you "Semi"
Semi: [while Zack is recovering from running into a wooden pallet] And if you pass out, you call 911!
Semi: [after removing a gold "Employee Of The Month" star from a safe] Pretty!
Iqbal: Do it for pride, the rest will come... including the girl.
Jorge: [looking at the defaced picture of Vince] ... I love ah-nall, who's ah-nall?
Vince: It's ANAL, dumbass!
Jorge: You do?
Russell: Think about it guys, we could be working over there at Maxi-Mart and that place really sucks. Pass me the chips there, eight balls.
[Iqbal passes a bulk size bag of chips]
Lon: Plus, I hear they make you wear those house-arrest ankle bracelet things, so they know where you are all the time and if you leave the main floor, you get a little shocker.
[Blows a party kazoo]
Russell: True. I knew a guy in upper management, man, went crazy. Strapped one of those things around his hairy ballsack, ran out in the parking lot and blew a three dollar Hawaiian wonder cooler all over the place.
Iqbal: Ids-kay, ids-kay.
Russell: Knocked the little Korean kid right out of shopping basket.
Vince: Is your name Semi because you're the size of a huge Mack truck or because you're semi-retarded?
Semi: I don't know.
Vince: I realize that you don't care about your job, but I do.
Zack: And I want to thank you for caring about my job, really.