Memorable quotes for
Charlie Bartlett (2007) More at IMDbPro »

Murphey Bivens: I'll see you in the sequel, bitch!
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Charlie Bartlett: [passes a note to Susan] Hi, I'm Charlie Bartlett
Susan Gardner: [replies on a new piece of paper] Yeah, I know.
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Charlie Bartlett: I'm just a stupid kid.
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Marilyn Bartlett: I'm fit as a fucking fiddle!
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Principal Gardner: Never attack a drunk guy with a gun.
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Charlie Bartlett: How's that working for you?
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Kip Crombwell: Sir, would it help if I said I'd be considerably less likely to end my life if you let us do this?
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Principal Gardner: Charlie, there are more important things than popularity!
Charlie Bartlett: Like what? Cause I'm seventeen. And right now, popularity's pretty damn important!
Principal Gardner: Like what you do with that popularity
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Charlie Bartlett: Well duh dude, this place sucks. But I just worry that one day we're gonna look back at high school and wish we'd done something different.
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Charlie Bartlett: Viagra! Virgin! Vino! Vagabond! Vagina!
[taps head with right hand on each word]
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Charlie Bartlett: I just think you're missing the big picture.
Kip Crombwell: What big picture?
Charlie Bartlett: The universe.
Kip Crombwell: What about the universe?
Charlie Bartlett: Well, the universe is a pretty big place.
Kip Crombwell: Yea. It's infinite, theoretically.
Charlie Bartlett: Right, which means there's probably life on other planets.
Kip Crombwell: Not life like we think, but yeah. Probably at least single-cell organisms.
Charlie Bartlett: Well, see, that's my whole point. I mean you could've been born a single cell organism on the planet Zortex. In fact, given the odds, it's probably more likely, but you weren't. You we're born a human being. And not just any human being in the history of human beings, but a human being that gets to be alive today. That gets to listen to all kinds of music, that gets to eat food from every culture, that gets to download porn off the internet. So really, you have everything to live for.
[pause]
Charlie Bartlett: Do you feel better?
Kip Crombwell: Not really.
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[first lines]
Charlie Bartlett: Thank You. Thank you very much. Thank you. How you all doing tonight. It's great to see all of you here. My name is Charlie Bartlett.
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Dr. Stan Weathers: You don't feel normal?
Charlie Bartlett: My Family has a psychiatrist on call, how normal can I be?
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Charlie Bartlett: Oh trust me doc, bringing psychiatric drugs and teenagers together is like opening a lemonade stand in the desert.
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Principal Gardner: Oh I encourage you to listen all you like, but let's face it, you're not a professional.
Marilyn Bartlett: No.
Principal Gardner: And these medications have a legitimate use. They've helped a lot of people. It's a generational thing. You know teenagers always find a way to abuse something. And why not, right? Being zonked out of your mind is a lot more fun than dealing with your problems.
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Henry Freemont: [chanting on bullhorn] This is a school not a prison.
Principal Gardner: Thanks, because I couldn't read the sign.
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[last lines]
Interviewer: I must say, of all the kids applying for a summer internship, you have quite a checkered history.
Charlie Bartlett: I understand, and I'm sure you have a whole stack of people with perfect backgrounds and no uh... disciplinary record. Really, I'd do anything to work here.
Interviewer: Well, let's get on with the interview. I've got a hell of a day ahead of me.
Charlie Bartlett: Would you like to talk about it?
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Marilyn Bartlett: Well maybe there's more to high school than being well liked.
Charlie Bartlett: Like what specifically?
Marilyn Bartlett: [thinks for a second] Nothing comes to mind.
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Charlie Bartlett: I guess I should tell you about the first time I had my period. My daddy was driving me back from summer camp, and I turned to him and said, "Daddy, I think I'm sloughing!" And he said, "That's nice hunny." And I realized, that he had like, *no idea*, what sloughing meant! So I explained to him, that it meant blood was gushing from my you know where! And he nearly wrecked the car, trying to hand me a wad of fast food napkins, which is not something you'd want to particularly stick up your hooch!
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Principal Gardner: Everybody needs to vent a little now and again, don't you figure? Some of us are privileged enough to vent to you in the boys' room stalls and the rest of us have to settle for less conventional methods. Like, I don't know a bottle of booze and a handgun.
[gun goes off]
Charlie Bartlett: Ahh!
Principal Gardner: God, I'm sorry I'm not putting you on edge with my behavior now am I?
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Charlie Bartlett: My name is Charlie Bartlett. If there's one thing I want you guys to walk away with tonight... it's that you guys don't need me. I really mean it. You think I'm any less screwed up than you are? I get up every morning, and I look in the mirror, and I try and figure out just where I fit in. And I draw a complete blank. You guys are looking to me to tell you what to do? You need to stop listening to me. Stop listening to people telling you who you should be! And stop listening to the people who are telling you you're not good enough to do the things that you want to do. You guys have all the answers.
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Susan Gardner: It kind of sucks having one parent ditch, and then the other one lose their mind.
[pause]
Susan Gardner: I mean, how can I possibly hope to turn out even remotely functional.
Charlie Bartlett: Yeah.
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Susan Gardner: What's the deal with your father?
Charlie Bartlett: Does that really have to be the next question?
Susan Gardner: Yes. The harder the question, the greater the reward.
Charlie Bartlett: He's in prison. My Mom went into a pretty bad depression when he got arrested. So, uh, when he was out on bail he took me out for ice cream. He told me I had to take care of her. So, I promised him I would. And um, I've been taking care of her ever since.
Susan Gardner: So who takes care of you?
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