Blue Collar Comedy Tour Rides Again (2004 TV Special)
Female Audience Member: I LOVE YOU, LARRY!
Larry The Cable Guy: I told you to wait in the truck!
Ron White: I Believe, that if life gives you lemons, you should make lemonade. And try to find somebody who's life gives them vodka, and have a party.
Larry The Cable Guy: I believe that sometimes you gotta wreck the truck to get the insurance money to make the truck payment.
Jeff Foxworthy: That is brilliant, right there!
Jeff Foxworthy: [to Larry, after Larry picks at his guitar] How old are you?
Larry The Cable Guy: Old enough to learn how to play this song.
Bill Engvall: Wait, when is your birthday?
Larry The Cable Guy: February 17th.
Jeff Foxworthy: No, what year is your birthday?
Larry The Cable Guy: ...Every year.
Bill Engvall: [to Jeff] You asked.
Jeff Foxworthy: I remember when I was a kid, there were two medicines: aspirin and Campho-Phenique, that was it. But they advertise these prescriptions, and half the time, the side effects are 50 times worse than what the thing cures! It's like, "Try new Flor-A-Flor. For itchy, watery eyes, it's Flor-A-Flor. Side effects may include: nausea, vomiting, water weight gain, lower back pain, receding hairline, eczema, seborrhea, psoriasis, itchy chafing clothing, liver spots, blood clots, ringworm, excessive body odor, uneven tire wear, pyorrhea, gonorrhea, diarrhea, halitosis, scoliosis, loss of bladder control, hammertoes, the shanks, low sperm count, warped floors, cluttered drawers, hunchback, heart attack, low resale value on your home, feline leukemia, athlete's foot, head lice, club foot, MS, MD, VD, fleas, anxiety, sleeplessness, drowsiness, poor gas mileage, tooth decay, split ends, parvo, warts, unibrow, lazy eye, fruit flies, chest pains, clogged drains, hemorrhoids, dry heaving, and sexual dysfunction." I'm like, "I'll just have itchy, watery eyes!"
Larry The Cable Guy: [introducing "I Believe"] This is a song we writ.
Bill Engvall: [interrupting] Woah, woah, woah.
Larry The Cable Guy: Writ.
Ron White: I didn't "writ" any of it.
Larry The Cable Guy: You writ two-thirds of it. Or a quarter of it.
Bill Engvall: Don't try to do math.
Jeff Foxworthy: If Larry is going to start doing fractions, you may want to go to the concession stand or the restroom.
Ron White: I believe I'll have a scotch. Oh, wait, I've got one. Go ahead. Never mind.
Jeff Foxworthy: I believe you show me a three year old running around a flea market in his underpants drinking Coca-Cola out of a baby bottle, and I'll show you a future NASCAR fan.
Larry The Cable Guy: I believe that guns don't kill people, husbands that come home early do.
Bill Engvall: I believe that if you want to wear a thong, you should have to go through an application process.
Ron White: My cousin Ray on the other hand thinks that killin' a deer with a deer rifle is like magic in the forest. And now, I would like to do for you now my impression of my cousin Ray after the big kill. "Hell, it was four in the mornin', 22 degrees outside. 'Course, you weren't there. Pussy. I'm in a camouflaged deer blind. I've got grease paint on my face and deer urine on my boots. I'm not sure why." I made that part up. "I've got a 30-06 with a laser scope. This baby will fire a bullet 2200 feet per second. When that deer looked up to lick the salt sucker I hunged from the danged ol' tree... caught him right above the eye." Yeah, well, I hit one with a *van* goin' *fifty-five* miles an hour with the headlights on and the horn blowin'!
Ron White: What I like to do these days is talk about fireworks safety. See, it was the Fourth of July and my friend Timmy Smithers leaned back too far with a lit punk and ignited the main fireworks display for the evening. And I wake up every night knowing that I know I could've down more to save him... but it was so pretty. "Timmy, no - would you look at that! That's the beginning of the Chinese space program!"
Jeff Foxworthy: [in disgust, upon opening the bathroom door of their tour bus after Bill has used it] Oh, good granny!
[Bill cracks up]
Jeff Foxworthy: Good granny! What is wrong with you? You know the rules: stand up in the bathroom, sit down at the truck stop and the hotel. It's not funny.
Bill Engvall: [through fits of laughter] Hey, you ordered the Frito chili pie.
[Ron enters and opens the bathroom door]
Ron White: Oh, God!
[Bill cracks up again]
Ron White: My brother is a doctor and my sister is a lawyer, and I hate Thanksgiving.
[at a family Thanksgiving dinner]
Ron White: My mother turns to me and says "Well, Ron, is there anything new with your career?"
[with a child-like defiance]
Ron White: "Yeah! I've got a new bit about sticking my pecker in the toaster."
Larry The Cable Guy: I believe... that Britney Spears should be one of Baskin Robbins' 31 flavors.
[Bill whispers something to Larry, and Larry laughs]
Larry The Cable Guy: [laughing] Two scoops!
Larry The Cable Guy: I believe the Crippled stool is the Cadillac of the poopin' stool.
Jeff Foxworthy: You ever seen a car sitting at a red light, and there's like, five guys in it? And all of a sudden all four windows go down and there's four guys hangin' out the car just cussing like crazy? And there's one guy sitting in the middle in the back just laughing. You know why he's laughing, he's cashed in his courtesy sniff! And the only thing that could make him happier was had he been driving and in control of the window lock.
Bill Engvall: I believe that the way to a man's heart is not through his stomach. It's a little further south.
Bill Engvall: I believe that the phrase "time in a bottle" refers to the amount of beer you can drink before last call.
Ron White: I'm probably not a typical Texan in that I don't hunt. I fish, but I don't hunt. And it has nothing to do with how I think it might somehow be more holy to eat meat that's been bludgeoned to death by someone else, that's not it. It's really early in the morning, it's really cold outside, and... I don't wanna go.
Ron White: I believe that ignorance of the law is no excuse, and I'm quoting a New York City judge on this one.
Larry The Cable Guy: Did you know Britney Spears hurt her leg and had to cancel some dates? But they said with the proper rehabilitation she'll be back on her knees in no time, so that's... get her done. That's funny. I don't care who you are, that's funny right there.
Larry The Cable Guy: Do you know what Tulsa spelled backwards is? A slut. Do you know what a slut spelled backwards is? A millon dollars.
Jeff Foxworthy: I believe the only thing worse than having diarrhea is trying to have it quietly in a public bathroom.
Jeff Foxworthy: My wife and I, we love watching, like, Dateline, 20/20, those shows. But you know how every week they will feature a disease. And I swear to you, every week, no matter what the disease is, my wife has it.
Jeff Foxworthy: There could be three people on the planet that have this disease, my wife is one of them. She just watches it going "I've got it."
Jeff Foxworthy: "I have every one of those symptoms." I'm like "you do not have testicular cancer."
Jeff Foxworthy: "You don't even have testiculars."
Jeff Foxworthy: But they've made us such a bunch of paranoid nuts, you know? Because when I was growing up, there were two medicines in the world. You had aspirin and Campho-Phenique. That's all there was.
Bill Engvall: In California, in the desert, they found bones of this prehistoric porpoise. And they are saying it's interesting, because this porpoise's upper jaw sticks out a lot further than its lower jaw. So I'm thinking he's got to look like...
[Gives a dorky look, with his upper teeth sticking out]
Bill Engvall: And they're trying to figure out if his upper jaw was used for sex or for eating. And I am thinking, "You know what? You can rule out sex." 'Cause if you look like this...
[Repeats Dorky look]
Bill Engvall: Sex ain't happening, alright? I mean, what if it's just a goofy-looking fish? You know, like a dorkfish.
Bill Engvall: He'd be out there in that desert going, "Oooh, this ain't the ocean. WOOO, I better find me some water, huh!" Can you imagine if you were fishing... and you caught a dorkfish? 'Cause you know your friends will be like, "Hey man... wh... what kind of fish is that?" You would be like, "Ohh... Nothing." 'Cause you know that fish is sticking his head out going, "I'm a dorkfish! He caught me on a corndog! I swear to God... I was swimming underneath the ocean... and I said, 'What's a corndog doing underneath the ocean?' Well, you know me, I love them dang corndogs, WOOO!"
Larry The Cable Guy: [explaining why he uses the handicapped toilets in public restrooms] They're always kept clean, so you know it ain't dirty. You got plenty of room to stretch your legs out, and you've got rails for power squeezing.
Jeff Foxworthy: [aside, to Ron] He's thought this out!
[about his daughters and nieces having developed a natural curiosity about boys]
Jeff Foxworthy: Finally I confronted them. I said "Why are all five of you in this bathroom?" And my youngest one, who's really funny, says "We're trying to see a hoo-hoo!"
Jeff Foxworthy: I said "I'm going to tell you everything you need to know about hoo-hoos. Hoo-hoos are EXTREMELY poisonous."
Jeff Foxworthy: And without missing a beat, she said "They are not, or the dog would be dead!"
Jeff Foxworthy: I hate a smart kid, I swear.
[taking his wife deer hunting]
Bill Engvall: Any of you hunters out there, you know the time of day I'm talking about, man. Oh, yeah. It is the perfect time of day. It's dark, it's early morning, it's cold, you're making steam with your breath. Off in the distance, you hear a turkey gobble as he wakes up for the day. A squirrel scampers through the dead leaves. It is the *perfect* time of day. It's quiet.
Bill Engvall: Kinda.
Bill Engvall: Because in the darkness of our deer stand, I'm hearing things like this:
Bill Engvall: [whispering] "Bill, what are we doing?"
Bill Engvall: We're, uh... we're waiting for the deer to show up. Okay, honey? Shh... you've got to be really quiet.
[heavy sigh again]
Bill Engvall: "What time do they show up?"
Bill Engvall: I, uh... I dunno. They didn't return the phone call to set up the meeting!
Bill Engvall: Now, please be quiet!
Bill Engvall: "Bill, I've gotta pee." Now? There's a coffee can. "Oh, wake up!"
Bill Engvall: The sun has come up. And in the clearing stands a buck, ten points, good 250. And I'm like "Oh, thank you, God."
[pantomimes shaking his rifle in excited anticipation]
Bill Engvall: You are on the wall. And this is what I hear:
Bill Engvall: "OHH! Isn't he *cute*?"
Ron White: I wasn't a bright child. I had a very weak vocabulary. In fact, if I'd known the difference between "antidote" and "anecdote", my friend Bobby Schneider would still be alive today.
Ron White: He got bit by a copperhead, I'm reading him funny stories out of Reader's Digest.
Ron White: His head's starting to swell, and I like "It ain't working." He goes "read faster!"
Jeff Foxworthy: I believe that if you let somebody cut in front of you in traffic and they don't give you the little "wave", it should be perfectly legal to get up underneath 'em, get 'em loose, and put 'em into the wall.
Ron White: [discussing his honeymoon] Man, the first time my wife and I made love... you ever heard of those screamers? Well, apparently she had never been with one before!
Larry The Cable Guy: I believe that no matter what you do, no matter how hard you try, you can not baptize cats.
Ron White: Now I've seen people lose it over the death of a pet, but this dog lived for fifteen years. If you wanna beat that by very much, you gotta get a tortoise or a tree.
Ron White: So, her father dies, and I'm like, baby come on we're going to the nursing home. And she see's all these old men like pick me pick me. She wanted a black one, but I was like keep it simple, that's my motto.