Green Wing (2004–2007)
Dr. Macartney: Join me again next week on this episode of "Let's make no fucking sense" when I will be waxing an owl.
Sue White: Yes?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I haven't asked the question yet.
Sue White: Yes.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Is the answer?
Sue White: What?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Is yes the answer?
Sue White: Is the question.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: But is yes the answer? Take a gamble.
Sue White: I don't know, is it?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Take a gamble.
Sue White: No.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: No is the answer?
Sue White: No is the answer. Yes is never the answer.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: So no is the answer?
Sue White: No is the answer.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: So if I were to say, are you going to ever have sex with any other man apart from me, then your answer is no?
Sue White: Do you want to have sex with me? I mean, do you want to just have, do you want to just fuck me now? Do you wanna do that? Do you wanna just get your cock out and fuck me now? How about that, yeah? Shall we, here... on the table? Yeah, how about whopping it up my ass, what about that Mr. Secretan? Not Doctor... but Mister. Yeah? One above Doctor, how about that yeah? Mr. Secretan whopping up the staff liaison's ass.
Sue White: So wipe yourself down and come back and tell me what you think about that, 'kay?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Not sure I can stand up.
Sue White: No? Well I'll leave for a few moments, shall I?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: OK. Shut the door.
Sue White: OK.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [to Sue White] Do you know what I like about you?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Fuck all.
Dr. Alan Statham: Do you want me to report you for that earring?
Dr. Macartney: Only if I can report you for the moustache.
Dr. Alan Statham: Most females find body piercing repugnant. Luckily, I am still intact.
Dr. Macartney: Yes, even I draw the line at piercing arseholes.
Dr. Alan Statham: Exactly!
Dr. Angela Hunter: Banter?
Dr. Alan Statham: Yes.
Sue White: [sitting at her desk, she has put a fan in front of her so that her hair flows freely in the wind. Throughout the conversation she wriggles around on her desk seductively]
Dr. Macartney: It is a ridiculous shift pattern if it allows Secretan the arse and another key member of my team to go off at the same time, you know - together!
Sue White: Key member of the team? - no. Scatterbrain floozy? yes!
Dr. Macartney: Okay, I don't want to be without the scatterbrain floozy and without the arrogant knobhead at the same time.
Sue White: Well, there is more than adequate cover.
Dr. Macartney: I don't think there is.
Sue White: Guy is far from irreplaceable, now that is something you've always said.
Dr. Macartney: Yes, I've always said that - very happy to have him out of my sight.
Sue White: And, you managed fine before the scatterbrain floozy arrived.
Dr. Macartney: Did I?
Sue White: Yeah!
Dr. Macartney: Yes, I suppose I did, yes.
Sue White: So what's the problem?
Dr. Macartney: I don't want them to be off - both at the same time! I don't!
Sue White: Why?
Dr. Macartney: Just because.
Sue White: Because why?
Dr. Macartney: Because... because guy is a wanker!
Sue White: Yeah, well, I actually, you know I don't draw up the rosters.
Dr. Macartney: Sorry, are yóu on my side here, or not...?
Sue White: Dr Macartney, Dr Macartney, yes, I'm always on your side, you know I'm by your side, I'm up your side, I'm through your side, I'm *under* your side... I'm all over your side.
Dr. Macartney: Okay, that's time for me to go now, okay.
Sue White: I can do headstands! Now, would you like to see that? Would you...? The...? Would you like to see that?
[she stands up, pulls up her skirt and fans her crotch]
Sue White: Ohhhh...
Dr. Macartney: I see a chocolate Phil Collins popping out of a cuckoo clock every hour to tidy up his Nazi gold.
Sue White: Dr Secretan... are you ok?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [sobbing] Don't touch me.
Sue White: And you're hiding in the coats because?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I feel safe here... It reminds me of...
Sue White: Being locked up when you were a boarding school boy for being caught tampering with your down belows?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Yep... No! I just wanted some space - would you just go away?
Sue White: No. Now what's the problem? I'm here to help, to listen, to soothe.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: My mother's womb is no more.
Sue White: Oh, dear. Hysterectomy?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: No, she died when I was very young. Left me motherless and now my life is just a shambles without her and it's getting worse... I mean, look at my eyes
Sue White: There's nothing wrong with your eyes... you have very nice eyes. If a little on the pokey side.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Don't be nice to me!
Sue White: Oh, all right! Pull yourself together you cretinous Fuckwit! What sort of a man hides in other people's coats? Rocking and whinging to themselves? I'll tell you what sort of a man... a self centered, egotistical wankbot. Now unhook yourself... and stop being so weak. Men don't cry. They are strong hunter-gatherers! So go hunt, go gather and be a total *cunt* because that's what you do best!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [shouts] Fuck you! You ugly bitch... Oh, that feels so much better. Do you fancy a quick fiddle now we're in here?
Sue White: Well, I am tempted because I'm all fired up. But no, thanks, I'd rather lick my own armpit.
Dr. Alan Statham: [hanging in Joanna's office in a hangmansnoose] Help!
Dr. Alan Statham: I need a wee!
Sue White: Oh, God, you know, I am sorry to drag you in here again, Mac, I know this is boring. Bloody computer virus has wiped off half your record. So, still single, I see, and no-one can understand it! Why you haven't been snapped up is a mystery to me.
Dr. Macartney: Aha.
Sue White: [types something into her computer very quickly] God, I want you. Not just sexually, in every way.
Sue White: I want to wake up next to you, watch you sleep,
Sue White: run my hand over your back and edge forward into regions knowing that my hand could make you feel like no other could.
Sue White: Mobile phone number?
Dr. Macartney: 07956, actually, I'm between...
Sue White: Thighs?
Dr. Macartney: ...networks.
Sue White: Okay.
Sue White: And, um... Oh, my God, I want to feel you in my mouth.
Sue White: House number?
Dr. Macartney: 21.
Sue White: That's it! That's all we were missing. All righty. Well, you know, you're free to go. See you at the slave auction.
Dr. Macartney: Yes.
Sue White: [whispering] I have an unlimited budget!
[Boyce has taken Dr Statham to a restaurant after having bought him at the slave auction]
Dr. Alan Statham: Joanna brought me here once... to discuss hospital employment policy. Surreptitiously however, I was bringing her to climax with a breadstick.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: That's how I remembered your name when I first met you.
Dr. Macartney: What?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Massively annoying chap.
Dr. Macartney: Massively annoying chap?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Yeah. Mac. I was going to say Massively Annoying...
Dr. Caroline Todd: How was the interview?
Dr. Macartney: Not sure... think I might have used the words 'job', 'stick', 'up' and 'arse' all in one sentence. Is that a bad thing?
Dr. Caroline Todd: Well I... I think tone of voice is very important.
Dr. Macartney: Is it, is it? Damn. Shit. Excuse me, I have some patients to see.
Dr. Martin Dear: She's my smoo too!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: She's your smoo? And my smoo!
Dr. Martin Dear: What are we going to do?
Dr. Alan Statham: Erm... you may be thinking that I am comparing my penis to that of a corpse.
[looks shifty and wanders away]
Dr. Macartney: [Guy has drunkenly stolen an ambulance. Mac is on the phone to the police] He's definitely becoming more rational. It's just that he had a shock recently. He had sex with his Mother.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Don't tell them that!
Dr. Macartney: [to Guy] Why, it's not a crime.
[Listens to the phone]
Dr. Macartney: Oh, it is! Apparently you can get seven years.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: This is you trying to talk someone out of a suicidal depression, is it?
Dr. Macartney: I'm just giving them the mitigating circumstances for joyriding.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Joyriding! Does it look like I'm enjoying it?
Lab Guy: Name? I can't just put "Lanky woman who hasn't learned how to take proper precautions in her forty years on Earth"?
Joanna Clore: Er...
[Sees Harriet at other window]
Joanna Clore: Harriet Schulenberg.
Lab Guy: Don't go! I think I love you!
Dr. Macartney: Say it with me, say it with me, funk-eh.
Dr. Martin Dear: Funk-ee!
Dr. Macartney: Funk-eh!
Dr. Martin Dear: Funk-ee!
Dr. Macartney: No, funk-eh!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [scary voice] Funkehh!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I could happily kill everyone with a baseball cap.
Dr. Macartney: One baseball cap?
[Dr Secretan comes into Sue's office with a small boy under his arm]
Sue White: What's this?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: It's a kid. Um, what do they eat?
Sue White: Is it lost?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: No. I borrowed it from someone because I'm trying to pull and apparently women love it.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Is it doing anything for me?
Sue White: No.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [he puts the child down on Sue's desk] Here, you have it.
Sue White: [looks at the child less than enthusiastic] Er, hello.
Sue White: Hello. Umm... do you, do you want one of these?
[she pulls a lolly out of a drawer]
toddler: Yes, please.
[holds out a hand towards the lolly]
Sue White: [pulls the lolly away] Well, you can't have it.
Dr. Caroline Todd: Please can I have a quick word?
Dr. Macartney: Zoom. Whoosh. There's two for you.
Joanna Clore: And I suppose radiology is proper medicine then, is it?
Dr. Alan Statham: I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer.
Dr. Alan Statham: Yes, it bloody is!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Kissing in the toilet?
Dr. Caroline Todd: Yes... who sang Kissing In The Toilets in 1978?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Er... was it a young Geroge Michael?
Dr. Caroline Todd: Yes.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Fucking hell, that was a guess!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Kissing in the toilet - don't flush, it's lush...
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I can do a surface dive in my pyjamas.
Dr. Macartney: That's probably very handy for a bedwetter.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Yes, I've died and gone to heaven, females are fighting over their pants. They're going to rip each other's clothes off!
Boyce: I'm getting a semi.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Semi? What's wrong with you boy, I'm like a flagpole!
Dr. Macartney: You know what you need? You need a system. Like I used mnemonics when I was revising.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Yeah, me too. Take the bones of the head, alright...
[points to parts of his head as he names the bones]
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: frontal, parietal, occipital, zygomatic, sphenoid, temporal, maxilla, mandible, vomer, nasal.
Dr. Martin Dear: Jesus, how did you remember that?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I just took a simple everyday phrase where the words begin with the same letters as the bones.
Dr. Macartney: Go on then, what is it?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Foreign politicians often zing stereotypical tunes, mayday, mayday, Venezuela, neck.
Dr. Macartney: Martin, Martin, see this - is that your signiture?
Dr. Martin Dear: Yeah, it is, yeah.
Dr. Macartney: Yeah, can't really do smiley faces on death certificates. Does look a little bit insensitive.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [on Martin's new party outfit] Oh look, it's the love child of Wayne Sleep and Godzilla. What are you, the eighth dwarf, Twatty? You know, even if you were from the future you'd still be wrong. Actually do you know what I like about this outfit? Fuck all.
[sucks the spikes on his shoulders]
Dr. Macartney: So tell me, why are you wearing a blouse?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: What?
Dr. Macartney: It's a blouse, isn't it?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Fuck off, it's designer.
Dr. Macartney: What, Laura Ashley?
Joanna Clore: [on Mac's hair] Well, at least I don't look like a girl.
Dr. Macartney: Ah, touche, touche...
[Guy has let slip that he was a bridesmaid at the age of five]
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: It was a turn of phrase!
Dr. Macartney: Turn of gender?
Joanna Clore: [on answering machine] It's over, Alan. Don't contact me. You will never feel my super-vagina again.
Dr. Alan Statham: I, I, I wish people would leave a name!
[Guy is explaining the rules of "guyball"]
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Now remember, don't leave the parish, if you get to the maison, put your hand up and shout, "Maison!"
Dr. Macartney: Maison!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: There are no hedgehogs, and no burrowing tactics. I won the toss, so sticklers are random. Have you got that?
Dr. Martin Dear: No, not really.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Good. Go!
Dr. Caroline Todd: Boyce, you're friends with Mac and Guy. Who's the biggest scumbag?
Boyce: Guy. Guy, Guy, Guy, Guy.
Dr. Caroline Todd: Guy? Why Guy?
Boyce: He once ethically objected to resuscitating a woman with an A-cup.
Dr. Caroline Todd: An egg cup?
Boyce: No, an A-cup, small puppies. He said it wasn't worth saving less than a handful.
Dr. Caroline Todd: Dear God!
Dr. Caroline Todd: Here's to goats with hooves! May they never fall off the mountain and break their spindly legs!
Dr. Martin Dear: [Joanna doesn't want anyone knowing he's her son] I love you and I always have!
Harriet Schulenburg: [Just entering] I'm sorry is this a bad time?
Joanna Clore: No, Dr. Dear was just telling me something a patient said to him today. A psychiatric patient, obviously.
Harriet Schulenburg: I'm not! It's negative! Booze!
[They break out booze for her. Suddenly Joanna starts screaming in her office]
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [In the operating theatre. Martin has failed his exams again] Maybe he's not cut out to be a Doctor. Maybe he's cut out to be a nurse, I mean they can be as thick as pigshit!
[a kidney-bowl flies right into his face with a loud clang]
Support Nurse: Sorry!
Dr. Macartney: I'm sure at your last Hospital they all found your personal life fascinating. Do your job. There are enough sitcoms set in Hospitals, don't you think?
Dr. Macartney: I happen to know that more people come out of that room alive than dead. There are people employed to keep track of those numbers.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [critiques Martin's wine at the party] Pure tramp juice! I know, you were standing in the offy saying "I know I should bring a Chablis but it's only a party". Vin du Pays for what you get and what you get is shite!
Boyce: Mine says "Lowers sperm count" what does yours say?
Naughty Rachel: "May cause miscarriage"
[They swap cigarette packets and start smoking]
Sue White: [Jogging in the Canteen] You're all a bunch of fatties! You can't eat that, you're far too fat!
Dr. Angela Hunter: If you see the new girl, snap off her fingers, burn her hair off and pluck out her nipples!
Dr. Martin Dear: [blues harmonica] Sittin' by your bed/ wishing I could mend your broken head/ I'm so sorry you're in a coma/ I wish you could come home... er.
Slave Auction MC: Dr. McCartney has withdrawn from the Slave Auction.
Sue White: [howls in anguish]
Sue White: [Slave Auction Date] Oh pleasure your body as well as your mind you poor man!
Lyndon Jones: Rather not.
Sue White: Why?
Lyndon Jones: Because you're disturbing, tedious and desperate! Sorry, but that's just the way it is. Let's forget this ever happened.
[gets in a taxi. She follows him in]
Sue White: I don't mind swallowing!
Lyndon Jones: [he jumps out the other side and runs for it]
Dr. Caroline Todd: Did you just throw your breast at me?
Sue White: No. Do you want me to?
Dr. Caroline Todd: No.
[Sue has bought Guy at the slave auction since Mac wasn't available]
Sue White: Right, now, you are my slave and I can make you do anything I want you to, Dr Secretan.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Yeah, within reason.
Sue White: Well, not necessarily.
[she pulls a red curly wig out of her bag]
Sue White: Right, for instance, pop this on.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: What?
Sue White: Go on, slave, pop that on!
[Guy puts the wig on reluctantly]
Sue White: Oohh, good, just, er, you know, suck your cheeks in.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Why?
Sue White: Just do it! Just pretend you've got cheekbones.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Right, okay...
[he does as he is told]
Sue White: And say "Hello, Sue".
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Hello, Sue.
Sue White: [she moans] ..."I'm Dr McCartney"...
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I'm Dr... ahhhhh. Oh, I'm not saying it, oh, for God's sake!
Sue White: Yeah, touch my bottom! Touch! Touch it!
[Guy grabs it reluctantly]
Sue White: Haaaahhhh, ahhoh, hihhihi...!
[she giggles girlishly]
Sue White: Well, let's buy a sofa together, Mac, shall we? Shall we? It's nice, isn't it?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Oh, it's great.
Sue White: Nice showroom, this, isnt it? Not too busy for a Saturday? Like this one? Shall we? Shall we buy it?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Yes, let's buy it, darling.
Sue White: Oooohhh, okay!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I could see my white puny body draped across it. I can see my ginger pubes collecting in the cracks.
Sue White: Can you? Oh stop it! Ohhh, in my crack! Collecting in my crack! Oh, lovely! Oooooohhh, you lovely thing!
Dr. Caroline Todd: [at Caroline's housewarming party. Caroline is standing in the doorway saying goodbye to some people. Sue White jumps up to her] Bye, bye, um, thanks for coming. Oh, oh, you were here...? Well, thank you for coming.
Sue White: [she leans in and speaks to Caroline's breasts] Thank you, Dr Trodd, for inviting me to your party...
Dr. Caroline Todd: I didn't know I did, but you were here and now you're going so that's all that matters.
Sue White: [leans in and kisses her passionately]
Dr. Caroline Todd: I've been sick.
Sue White: [with her hands on her own breasts] Well, so have I. And I am completely shaved!
Dr. Caroline Todd: Oh, God. Oh, God.
Sue White: Bye-bye then. I'll see you at work, okay?
[sings and skips away]
Dr. Caroline Todd: I don't think I like your tone tonight, Martin.
Dr. Martin Dear: [looks in other direction] Fuck off.
Dr. Martin Dear: No, actually, it's a note and it's quite hard.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Suicide note?
Dr. Martin Dear: No.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Shame.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Oh, what are you scared about Marty?
Dr. Martin Dear: Oh, er, well, er, failing my exams again and everyone I know realising what a loser I am and always will be, and losing any self-esteem that I ever had, and hating myself and being myself for the rest of my life.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Fair enough.
Dr. Martin Dear: Still, I suppose everyone feels like that about exams, don't they?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Er, no. Not me.
Dr. Martin Dear: Why not?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Ooh, let me see. Is it because exams are easy peasy lemon squeezy or I'm brilliant? It's both! See, the Secretans have never been a home to self-doubt, I have no idea what you're feeling.
Dr. Martin Dear: Well, it's bloody horrible.
[Martin puts on his doctor's coat. A tiger tail is pinned to the back. Guy notices]
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Erm, Martin.
Dr. Martin Dear: What?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Nothing.
Dr. Macartney: The smell of her perfume mingling with her skin, her bodily fluids, her shampoo... which all come together to make...
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: A dirty minging woman, trust the bloody French to make it sound romantic.
Dr. Caroline Todd: Aha! Where have you been, aren't you supposed to be back in theatre and I've been looking for you.
Dr. Macartney: Here, no, and well done, you've found me. It's your turn to hide.
Dr. Macartney: I'm assuming you've taken painkillers?
Dr. Caroline Todd: I want something stronger. I want the stuff you use... to kill people.
Dr. Macartney: Nope, saving all that for Guy.
Joanna Clore: God, you've changed your tune.
Dr. Alan Statham: Yes, I march to a different tune.
Dr. Alan Statham: La la la la la la-la-laaa, la la la la...
Dr. Caroline Todd: I do like him.
Sue White: I see.
Dr. Caroline Todd: In a non-professional way.
Sue White: Ah.
Dr. Caroline Todd: And I work with him every day so...
[Sue makes strange gagging noises]
Dr. Caroline Todd: What?
Sue White: Nothing. It's - er - you work with him every day?
Dr. Caroline Todd: Yeah.
Sue White: Guy?
Dr. Caroline Todd: No.
Sue White: The other one?
Dr. Caroline Todd: Yeah.
Sue White: [close to tears] The - er - the one with the lion's mane?
Dr. Caroline Todd: I - w - yeah.
Sue White: I see. Well, Dr Trod, maybe you've had your chance with him. Maybe it's too late. Maybe someone else deserves to take priority. Maybe you should just STAY AWAY or pay the price. Mmm, mmm? Now maybe you should think about that. You've been warned, lady.
Dr. Martin Dear: It is for a good cause.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I don't do good causes, OK? A charity shag maybe, but certainly not to raise fucking money for medical equipment.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [in operating theatre] What? Does it say no smoking?
[bad Geordie accent]
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Does it say no smoking? Which way to the dole office? Do you know I'm unemployed and I have a mullet?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Buggering wank!
Dr. Macartney: No, no, don't tell me the Swiss water polo team lost again!
Sue White: This is Dr Macartney.
Dr. Macartney: Hi - Mac, call me Mac, hi.
Dr. Caroline Todd: Any relation to...
Dr. Macartney: Ringo Starr? No, actually, but impeccable timing because we're short a pair of hands down on a routine hernia operation.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Do you think you could kill somebody out of work?
Dr. Macartney: What, kill an unemployed person?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I was only down the old Hackney Stadium last night... blew a monkey on a dog.
Dr. Macartney: Really? You'll have the RSPCA after you.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: No, a monkey, it's fifty sheets.
Terry: Five hundred.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Really? So what's a pony?
Dr. Macartney: It's kind of a small horse...
Dr. Martin Dear: You know, I've never really even touched anyone that attractive.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Well, I don't mind you touching my arm if you want.
Dr. Martin Dear: Oh, it's not quite the same is it?
Dr. Macartney: I'm sorry, was that a comeback? Not that I heard it or anything, I was about twenty yards down the corridor...
Dr. Caroline Todd: Go away.
Dr. Macartney: Shan't.
Dr. Caroline Todd: I am such a tit.
Dr. Macartney: Yep. Yep.
Dr. Caroline Todd: You don't have to agree with me.
Dr. Macartney: I was just being polite.
Dr. Macartney: [into phone] He had sex with his mother.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Don't tell them that!
Dr. Macartney: Why not?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Jesus, what's wrong with you?
Dr. Macartney: Why not, it's not a crime!
[listens into phone]
Dr. Macartney: Oh, it is? Wow. Apparently you can get up to seven years...
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: This is you talking someone out of a suicidal depression?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Oi, I made up a song, it goes -
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: who's the man? Who's the man? Is Guy the man? Yes yes I am!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I feel safe here. It reminds me of...
Sue White: Being locked away as a boarding-school boy for tampering with your down-belows?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Yep... No!
Joanna Clore: What kind of masked kidnapper are you?
Dr. Alan Statham: Well, one who is loath to contravene local bye-laws, actually.
Dr. Martin Dear: Have you ever thought about having a sexy girlfriend who you'd sleep with?
Dr. Caroline Todd: Nope.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [holding a keyboard singing] Mackenzie, gonna get the finger, cos his daddy, so freaky ginger.
Dr. Caroline Todd: [Final advice to a school tour] Don't get ill. We make you very sleepy and do terrible things to you.
Neurosurgeon: Mac, you've been in the business for a while, what would you say is the worst thing about this job?
Dr. Macartney: The worst thing, I would say, is the white coats because they make me look quite pale.
Dr. Macartney: Seriously? The bureaucracy.
Dr. Macartney: The lack of adequate funding?
Neurosurgeon: No, I'm thinking of something more patient-oriented.
Dr. Macartney: Got it, smelly patients.
Dr. Macartney: [ribbing Guy over going to a boarding school] Yes, go on, you don't want to miss Double Latin. And I think Pongo is going to bring some tuck up to the dorm!
Sue White: Okay, this is a "Hospital". It's full of people desperately hoping to get better, but most of them don't and they die in pain. So, any questions?
Kid on School Tour: Can we see the morgue?
Sue White: No.
Joanna Clore: I know you can't be a complete idiot or they wouldn't let you work here.
Dr. Alan Statham: ...I'm glad you're on my side.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Foreign Politicians often zing stereotypical tunes. Mayday! Mayday! Venezuela neck.
Dr. Alan Statham: I've got to go and sort out some lymphocytes, but I'll be back soon.
Chaplain: How soon?
Dr. Alan Statham: About twenty minutes?
Chaplain: Are you sure you're getting enough work done?
Dr. Alan Statham: [grasps her hand] We have fatter fish to fry!
Dr. Caroline Todd: But what if you were being chased by the hounds, and you knew you had cubs that needed you back at the den?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Well, I'd just move on, find another Supervixen and start again.
Dr. Caroline Todd: Yes, I think you would, wouldn't you? Shall we get going, then?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Yeah, but that was all hypothetical. Anyway I'm going back for them.
Dr. Caroline Todd: Oh, it's too late for that. The hounds tore them all to shreds!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: NO! NO! My cubs! My cubs! Dead! How could this happen! AHHH!
Sign: East Hampton Hospital Trust.
Harriet Schulenburg: No!
Dr. Alan Statham: No, of course not. Who'd want me? I look like a broom! And who'd want to go out with a broom?
Harriet Schulenburg: A dustpan?
Dr. Alan Statham: Yes, and where would one find a maritally unfettered dustpan?
Harriet Schulenburg: Well, my husband found me at evening classes.
Poetry Group Leader: You don't have to rush at it, Alan. Just let what Linda has said penetrate our souls.
Dr. Alan Statham: ...Right! Penetrated.
[Takes the chair, unfolds his poem]
Dr. Alan Statham: "Carrier Pigeon". Carrier Pigeon... Carrier Pigeon... Carrier... of disease! OH! Gnarled claw... disease eating away at your very being... "Look out! A car!" "I can't fly, my wing's damaged." Beep. Beep. Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep... Let it penetrate.
Jake: [in the Occupational Therapy Suite] Okay, Joanna, now we're a bit more relaxed, I'd like to try something.
Joanna Clore: Well, hurry up, I do have an office to run.
Jake: Right, well, what I want you to do is imagine that all the recent unpleasantness is held in a little box deep inside.
Joanna Clore: Ah, yes, nice little box.
Jake: No, well, we have to deal with things. So, on the count of three, I want you to open the box and deal with what's inside. One... two...
Joanna Clore: AHH! AHHH! AHHHH!
Jake: No, well...
Joanna Clore: AHH!
Jake: Okay, close the box.
Joanna Clore: AHHH!
Jake: Close the box.
Joanna Clore: AHHH!
Jake: CLOSE THE BOX! No, you don't want that. Let's just try to relax...
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [Martin has failed his exams, and Secretan is mercy-killing him with an arcade game's gun] I'll shoot him in the brains when I find them!
Dr. Alan Statham: Welcome to the lunatic asylum!
Dr. Caroline Todd: What, "You don't have to be crazy to work here, but it helps"?
Dr. Alan Statham: Well, I don't know about that, although the Trust is an Equal Opportunities Employer so some of the Secretarial Staff might be a bit...
[twirls a finger by his head]
Joanna Clore: [bored of him] Oh, God!
[Drags Carol away]
Sue White: I will answer you, but only in the language of the Crow.
Joanna Clore: [bursts in on Statham beating a Green Dwarf to death with a stuffed Heron] What are you doing?
Dr. Alan Statham: It's all right! He's not real!
Box File Label: Infection Control: Policies and Records.
Harriet Schulenburg: [Making party invitations for her son] Can you make the words pink?
Lyndon Jones: For a boy?
Harriet Schulenburg: He's gay.
Kim Alabaster: Why are you hiding under your desk?
Karen Ball: I thought I saw a Clanger!
Kim Alabaster: [hides too]
Naughty Rachel: Poop-poop poop poop poop!
Dr. Martin Dear: [he's handed a CD with cocaine lines on it at the party. He turns it over, and the other guy lunges to the carpet] That's a good band!
Boyce: [Martin has swallowed Karen's cellphone to stop her getting an "it's over" voicemail he didn't really mean] Don't worry, Martin, it'll go straight through you. Like sweetcorn!
Boyce: Guy, Mac's awake. He's come out of his coma, Guy.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: That's great, if he's out of his coma, then I haven't murdered anybody!
Dr. Caroline Todd: Do you want to come round my gaff?
Dr. Macartney: Ooh, sounds rude.
Dr. Caroline Todd: It's not rude.
Dr. Macartney: I'm not coming if it's not rude.
Dr. Angela Hunter: Aw, look at your nose! Little iddy-biddy button nose! Beep beep!
Angela's Boyfriend: More kisses!
Dr. Angela Hunter: Aw, kiss kiss kiss! Little button nose with a cute kink in it. You could get that taken out easily, only cost a grand.
Sue White: She's not good enough for you, Mac! She'll never be good enough for you! She doesn't have a Fanny!
Angela's Boyfriend: [Angela and Carol are brushing their hair, about to go to work] I've got Bowel Cancer!
Dr. Angela Hunter: Okay, let's have a look!
[Goes away with him. She comes back to the mirror]
Dr. Angela Hunter: It was cherry tomatoes.
Jake: [Carol's killed his vintage Tamagotchi] Just one second!
[turns away and quietly screams]
Jake: Right, I'm going to have a second glass of that lovely wine!
Dr. Alan Statham: [Joanna's dumped him and he's beating his fist on the Chapel Altar]
Chaplain: Are you alright?
Dr. Alan Statham: [startled] Oh my fucksie! No, well, you know. God's a Sod! She's gone and that's all there is to it.
Chaplain: I'm so sorry. Did she suffer?
Joanna Clore: [dragging the bagged dwarf to the incinerator] Maybe you shouldn't kill dwarfs with Herons!
Dr. Alan Statham: Maybe you shouldn't hide dwarfs under people's desks!
Dr. Alan Statham: I think I'm having a nervous breakdown.
Joanna Clore: I think I am too.
Dr. Alan Statham: Everything's gone Dwarf!
Sue White: [kissing the doll] Live, damn you! Live!
Ventriloquist's Dummy: Fuck off back to Dr. MacCartney.
Sue White: I know. I just don't know what to do about that Holly.
Ventriloquist's Dummy: Destroy her!
Sue White: How?
Ventriloquist's Dummy: Leave it to me!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: You should be with someone... less nice!
Dr. Caroline Todd: Go away and think about how little sense that makes.
Dr. Alan Statham: [panic attack] Boyce, kiss me! Give me the kiss of life!
Boyce: No way! You're still breathing.
Dr. Alan Statham: You must revive me with the breath of your body.
Boyce: Oh, God. Okay.
[passionately revives Dr. Statham]
Dr. Alan Statham: What have you been eating?
Karen Ball: [online game] I don't want to be in Slytherin!
Naughty Rachel: You can't go back. The decision of the Sorting Hat is always final!
Karen Ball: [runs off crying]
Kim Alabaster: [starts after her]
Naughty Rachel: No! Careful! It might be a Slytherin trick...
Boyce: [dressed as a nurse] Well, Dr. Statham, I'd quite like to see you after work.
Dr. Alan Statham: Ah, I don't know about that.
Boyce: C'mon give me a hug.
Dr. Alan Statham: Let go.
Boyce: No, I don't want to.
Dr. Alan Statham: Let go.
Boyce: I will if you say yes.
Dr. Alan Statham: Okay, yes.
Boyce: Okay. Swing by the Tandoori Palace around seven.
Dr. Alan Statham: Oh, I can swing with the best of them, don't you worry about that!
Dr. Macartney: [Comic Relief segment] Comic Relief, what an opportunity for those of us in the caring community to prove that we really do actually care... but in a wider context.
Joanna Clore: [Carol's first day] Did you say you were Asian? It would really help out my End of Year quotas. It's hard to tell in this light, might get away with it.
Jake: [Carol's dumped him] Well, you did that very well, thank you.
Dr. Caroline Todd: Oh, no, don't be so nice. At least get angry or shout or something.
Jake: No, I'm not going to get angry and shout about BEING STRUNG ALONG BY SOMEONE WHO DOESN'T KNOW THEIR OWN MIND, WHO EVERYONE CAN SEE WHO SHE SHOULD BE WITH BUT HER because shouting never really solves anything, does it?
Dr. Alan Statham: [sitting in his office. A Silver UFO flies in and calls him a Homosexual]
Dr. Alan Statham: [Carol has a bandage from Mac knocking her out] Ah, I see you're in on Boyce's little joke!
[taps her forehead]
Dr. Caroline Todd: OW!
Dr. Alan Statham: Oh, I'm not as green as people who were born yesterday.
Sue White: A HAAAAAANDBAG? Sorry, I've just always wanted to say that.
Dr. Alan Statham: A is for Appendectomy, B is for Barium, C is for Cystitis, Defibrillates for D...
Dr. Angela Hunter: It's making those split-second decisions, and getting it right, that does it for me.
Dr. Caroline Todd: [hit on the head] I know I keep saying this, but I'll never drink again.
Graffiti on Guy's Locker: Sex God.
Neurosurgeon: [walking down a corridor. He starts trotting like a pony]
Dr. Martin Dear: I've just pulled!
Boyce: Really, who?
Dr. Martin Dear: [talking like a stud] Oh, a bit of office totty.
Director: She is wasted, here!
Dr. Caroline Todd: Yes, all those vodka shots first thing in the morning.
Director: It's so rare you find someone like that. Face, yes. Voice, yes. Body, yes.
Dr. Caroline Todd: Yes, so rare to find someone with all three!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: So, are you sure you understand the spoooon of destiny?
Dr. Macartney: I do understand the spoooon of destiny.
Dr. Angela Hunter: What did you do before Alcohol became the centre of your life?
Dr. Caroline Todd: Homework.
Dr. Caroline Todd: I always thought those kinds of schools were so cruel. You think of these poor kids left in front of those large, cold Victorian buildings with all their luggage, crying.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: That's rubbish because... my school was Edwardian.
Dr. Caroline Todd: They don't know anyone, they don't know where they're supposed to go. What kind of parents would do that to their child?
Dr. Macartney: Guy's.
Dr. Alan Statham: I need a new name badge. It's supposed to say "Dr Alan Statham Consultant Radiologist" but someone's blacked out the O, the N, the S, the L, the first T and the A of the word "Consultant"!
Sue White: So now it says...?
Dr. Macartney: [restraining order] Read it, memorise it, never come near me again.
Sue White: BUT WHAT ABOOT THA WEE BAIRN?
Neurosurgeon: [to self] Can't imagine why he'd want to forget you. Nightmare.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [Amnesty International's "Secret Policeman's Ball" 2006, to audience member] Did you go to a Comprehensive?
Emmy: [mesmerised by Boyce singing "Tainted Love" for Charity. Mac pulls her away]
Harriet Schulenburg: [she's turned up to work wearing bunny ears] I thought everyone seemed cheerful! Oh, God. I put flowers on Mother's grave...
Dr. Caroline Todd: You said you had a Spare Room, that was a lie!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I have a Spore Room! I collect Spores from around the World.
Dr. Alan Statham: That's too far away you, you... immigrated ignoramus!
Car Park Attendent: ...Yeah. Anyway, proper Doctors, people like him
[points out Mac and his motorcycle]
Car Park Attendent: , get the spaces closest to the Hospital.
Dr. Alan Statham: I am a bloody proper Doctor!
Sue White: [lying on her desk, floating a ping pong ball with a straw]
Dr. Caroline Todd: Sorry, is this a bad time?
Sue White: [gets up] No, no, I'm here to soothe, I'm here to bathe, I'm here to listen to the worker's woes.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: No! Now he won't be able to eat asparagus!
Poster: Be careful when giving out personal details, you never know where they'll end up.
Doodle tacked to Mac's Locker: ANTI-BODY. We're against everybody!
Sue White: Health and Safety have said you'll have to cut your hair, but for me it can't be long enough! I imagine a woman can only hang on!
[grabs Mac's hair]
Kim Alabaster: He's not worth it, Karen.
Karen Ball: [crying over Martin chasing Carol] He is!
Kim Alabaster: He's not.
Karen Ball: Yes he is!
Kim Alabaster: He's got pink trousers on, Karen!
Karen Ball: I like them!
Naughty Rachel: Oooh, Karen, Dr Martin Dear isn't-he-queer is on his way!
Karen Ball: Oh my God! How do I look?
Naughty Rachel: ...Rough.
Sue White: How's this one?
Dr. Martin Dear: [tries a shirt on] Well it's a bit crispy... round here.
Sue White: Oh my creeping Jesus, these are supposed to have been waashed!
Dr. Martin Dear: Washed? You mean they're not new?
Sue White: New? No, they're not new, what would I be doing with new clothes in my office? This is the Dead Box!
Dr. Martin Dear: You mean these are the clothes of dead people? That's disgusting.
Sue White: Oh, come on, there's nothing wrong with it. Look:
[points to shirt]
Sue White: Fatal RTA,
[points to trousers]
Sue White: Fatal RTA,
[puts boot on desk]
Sue White: Stroke Victim! I had to wait three days for these, saves me a fortune. But come on, I'll take you shopping.
Dr. Martin Dear: Boycey!
Dr. Martin Dear: Boycey!
Dr. Martin Dear: Boycey!
Dr. Martin Dear: Boycey!
Dr. Martin Dear: Boycey!
Boyce: STOP IT!
Sue White: You say you're stressed about your exams. Well, it seems to me if you stopped being stressed things would be better for you.
Dr. Martin Dear: Yes!
Dr. Caroline Todd: What happened the day of the accident?
Dr. Macartney: What accident?
Dr. Caroline Todd: Ooooooh! Bollocking shitbags!
Dr. Caroline Todd: How do you feel?
Dr. Macartney: Really tired.
Dr. Caroline Todd: That's perfectly normal, you're a Doctor.
Kim Alabaster: Erm, you do know that your goldfish is dead?
Joanna Clore: Yes, I know it's dead, it's supposed to be dead, I bought it dead! That way I can look at it and say "You're dead and I'm not, you stupid fish!"
Dr. Martin Dear: The Path Lab guys keep stealing my yoghurt!
Sue White: Now, now! Whoa, there, Columbo!
Dr. Caroline Todd: Why doesn't he remember that for fifteen minutes we were... in love?
Neurosurgeon: Please, let go of my lapels! It's a transient phenomenon, retrograde amnesia after a head trauma, he should be back to normal in three weeks. Wow, fifteen minutes? So, it's the real thing, then?
Dr. Caroline Todd: Shut up. We had build-up too.
Neurosurgeon: Ooh! "Build-up". Now if you'll excuse me, I'd like to pee...
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [walking around crying, to self] We fight the rampaging hoardes/ something something something/ Of our destiny we are Lords/ For Whitleaf School/ shall fight as one/ Hooray! Hooray! Hooray! What are you looking at? Pleb!
Support Nurse: [to Guy] Back off, Butcher!
Harriet Schulenburg: I know I took a lot of pills to try and flush him out, but it doesn't mean I don't love him. He's just a bit blinky.
Kim Alabaster: [points at calendar] Got the ******! He's with the babysitter! Right, ladies, let's get the **** out of here.
Karen Ball: [Harriet's crying over Lyndon] Have a Chocolate Cock, they're quite cheering.
Dr. Alan Statham: [in the throes of passion with Joanna] I love you Simon Mason!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Just think of the bones and the phrase will come back!
Dr. Caroline Todd: [on mobile to locksmith] I'm a Doctor. I'm starting a new job at 8.30 at a Hospital. I'm dirty and exhausted and people could die and it'll be your fault!
Dr. Alan Statham: And we can see in the second image of the gall bladder that the stone has been dislodged. I call this the Mick Jagger effect, because it is a rolling stone... That is a joke you may laugh.
Dr. Caroline Todd: I don't know, I think I'd quite like to have a husband. He could shake the spiders from my shoes.
Dr. Alan Statham: [Dumped. Cuts off his tie with scissors and hyperventilates]
Dr. Macartney: [Carol's first day] I'll vouch for her! Yeah, you look like a Doctor. Dilated pupils... no sense of humour...
Dr. Macartney: That should traumatise most of them out of ever choosing a career in Medicine.
[He and Carol high-five]
Patient: [Dr Statham is dressed as a Mountie] Did you get your man? The Mounties! The Mounties always get their man!
Dr. Caroline Todd: [Party] There are some Neurologists over there who might be able to help you!
Dr. Alan Statham: If you boil a kettle with vinegar it gets rid of the residue.
Dr. Caroline Todd: [has been interviewing for a lodger] All I've had so far are Psychopaths.
Dr. Angela Hunter: Ah, well, I'm not a Psychopath! HA HA HA HAAA! I'm not!
Dr. Caroline Todd: That's not what I knew, actually. I just had some frankly weak material about an embarrassing middle name. I didn't know any of that stuff.
Dr. Caroline Todd: I do now, though. What a lot of things I know. I'm a walking encyclopedia...
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: And I found my number crumpled up in her hand on the page of a novel. That's what L'Air du Temps means to me.
Joanna Clore: If you fancy a **** just say so!
Dr. Angela Hunter: [Harp] It's such a part of me that I do forget that it's quite big.
Angela's Boyfriend: Clever babe.
Sue White: Do you know the Story of the Magical Pink Rabbit?
Dr. Macartney: Hang on. Does the Magic Rabbit live in an Enchanted Forest?
Sue White: Yeah!
Dr. Macartney: Does the Magic Rabbit only pop his nose out of his burrow once in a while?
Sue White: Right!
Dr. Macartney: Can I just say something? I have no idea what we're talking about.
Sue White: Yes you do!
Dr. Macartney: No I don't, I'm going.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [pretending to be Sue] I'm mad and I'm Scottish, I'm mad and I'm Scottish...
Dr. Martin Dear: [abusing the Database] Used to make fun of me, now he sells Fridges! Yes!
Naughty Rachel: [Mobiles set to Vibrate taped to her Breasts] Kiss me! I took it too far, didn't I?
Dr. Caroline Todd: I'm stooping down so I don't accidentally put on the Hangover Hat that's hanging over me.
Harriet Schulenburg: [affair with bald IT Guy] But he's so Shiny!
Sue White: [throws away Wedding Bouquet and Dr Todd catches it] No! I don't think so.
[snatches it and gives it to Dr. Hunter]
Dr. Angela Hunter: [flounces around in front of Dr. Todd]
Kim Alabaster: [Photocopier Competition] What? Ol' "Big Pants", there?
Lyndon Jones: Well, you did ask me whose I liked best...
Harriet Schulenburg: [Victory Dance]
Dr. Macartney: I'm going to take away your Hangover Hat and give you my I Knew When I'd Had Enough Hat.
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Goths! It's genius how they make it look like they're ugly on purpose.
Joanna Clore: I love the smell of formaldehyde in the morning, don't you?
Angela's Boyfriend: She's cute, yeah, but she does Dance Like a Wolf.
Applicant: I'm an Only Child! Ha-ha!
[Beating head with cushion]
Applicant: Mummy! And Daddy! And Me! Ah, I feel better now.
Dr. Caroline Todd: Jake's so positive. He says "Love like you've never been hurt, Work like you don't need the Money, and Dance like no-one's watching." I like that.
Dr. Martin Dear: Yeah, Dance like no-one's watching!
Dr. Macartney: [Coma Dream] This town ain't big enough for the both of us!
Dr. Caroline Todd: [Lays down beside Mac in his Coma. Hastily sits down again when someone walks in]
Boyce: [tequila slammers] If you're still standing after this one, I'll let you put your hand down my pants.
Naughty Rachel: Oh, God!
[They all drink and Rachel runs off to be sick]
Kim Alabaster: Still standing...
Dr. Martin Dear: [Cliff edge Ambulance] I'll sacrifice myself! My legs are gone, anyway!
Dr. Macartney: No!
[Aside to Guy]
Dr. Macartney: Is it Karen? Karen wouldn't want you to.
Dr. Martin Dear: Well, you can't go because you've got Carol, it'll have to be Guy!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Wait I've got stuff to live for too! I can't die, I can't die... until I remember the name of the Last Muskateer!
Dr. Martin Dear: Athos!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Oh yeah...
Sue White: Ah, she touched my Jacksie! Her, the one with no Fanny! Touched my Jacksie!
Mum: [Tea] Here you are, sweetheart.
Joanna Clore: Are you legal? I mean, am I going to be on some kind of register?
Young Man: No, I'm legal. Just. It was my birthday, that's why I was at the Bar.
Sign: Please put dirty hand towels in the bins provided.
Poster: If you think giving up smoking is difficult, try telling your children you have lung cancer.
Dr. Alan Statham: To whit...
Boyce: T' whoo?
Dr. Alan Statham: I am not an Owl, Boyce.
Boyce: Although you are rather feathery, aren't you, to the touch?
Dr. Alan Statham: No, and I suppose you're about to launch into an absurd story about waking up in my bed after a slave auction and having to borrow my pants!
Boyce: Here you go. Haven't had a chance to wash them yet...
Dr. Angela Hunter: Sometimes I can be entirely without scruples.
Dr. Alan Statham: Alright, a small key for you to swallow and a toy soldier for me. C'mon it'll be great! "A small key? A toy soldier? What's it all about?" We can drive them insane from beyond the grave!
Joanna Clore: I like it, c'mon then.
Dr. Alan Statham: No, Sue White isn't here, she's gone to do a poo on a Plate! Right, I'll let her know. No, this isn't Dr. Statham it's someone else.
Dr. Caroline Todd: Dr Caroline Secretan... Dr Caroline Secretan... Hi, yeah, I'm Dr Secretan!
Holly Hawkes: [T Shirt: The word "Congratulations" dripping with blood]
Dr. Martin Dear: Don't joke about that! That's Big Shit, your Mum dying!
Dr. Macartney: Well?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Well what, you scrawny poof?
[Mac pushes Guy's head into a bowl of cornflakes]
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [through cornflakes] You're not a poof! You're not a poof!
[Mac pulls Guy's head up again]
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: You're not a poof!
Dr. Macartney: And?
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: And - you are a poof!
[Mac empties the bowl over Guy's head]
Dr. Macartney: [bangs Guy's head against lockers] Say it!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Je suis desole...
Dr. Macartney: [bangs Guy's head] In English!
Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Martin I'm s... I'm s... I'm s... sorry I told you you'd passed your exams when you hadn't.
[Martin pulls Guy's lip]
Dr. Macartney: Now hug.
Dr. Macartney: I said hug.
[there is no reaction]
Dr. Macartney: FUCKING HUG!
[Guy and Martin hug very awkwardly but break apart when Mac walks away. He turns back]
Dr. Macartney: I said hug!