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Green Wing (TV Series 2004– ) Poster

(2004– )

Quotes

Dr. Macartney: Join me again next week on this episode of "Let's make no fucking sense" when I will be waxing an owl.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [to Sue White] Do you know what I like about you?

[pause]

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Fuck all.

[leaves]

Dr. Macartney: I see a chocolate Phil Collins popping out of a cuckoo clock every hour to tidy up his Nazi gold.

Sue White: Yes?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I haven't asked the question yet.

Sue White: Yes.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Is the answer?

Sue White: What?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Is yes the answer?

Sue White: Is the question.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: But is yes the answer? Take a gamble.

Sue White: I don't know, is it?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Take a gamble.

Sue White: No.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: No is the answer?

Sue White: No is the answer. Yes is never the answer.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: So no is the answer?

Sue White: No is the answer.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: So if I were to say, are you going to ever have sex with any other man apart from me, then your answer is no?

Sue White: Do you want to have sex with me? I mean, do you want to just have, do you want to just fuck me now? Do you wanna do that? Do you wanna just get your cock out and fuck me now? How about that, yeah? Shall we, here... on the table? Yeah, how about whopping it up my ass, what about that Mr. Secretan? Not Doctor... but Mister. Yeah? One above Doctor, how about that yeah? Mr. Secretan whopping up the staff liaison's ass.

[pause]

Sue White: So wipe yourself down and come back and tell me what you think about that, 'kay?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Not sure I can stand up.

Sue White: No? Well I'll leave for a few moments, shall I?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: OK. Shut the door.

Sue White: OK.

Dr. Alan Statham: Do you want me to report you for that earring?

Dr. Macartney: Only if I can report you for the moustache.

Dr. Alan Statham: Most females find body piercing repugnant. Luckily, I am still intact.

Dr. Macartney: Yes, even I draw the line at piercing arseholes.

[leaves]

Dr. Alan Statham: Exactly!

[realizes insult]

Dr. Angela Hunter: Banter?

Dr. Alan Statham: Yes.

Sue White: [sitting at her desk, she has put a fan in front of her so that her hair flows freely in the wind. Throughout the conversation she wriggles around on her desk seductively]

Dr. Macartney: It is a ridiculous shift pattern if it allows Secretan the arse and another key member of my team to go off at the same time, you know - together!

Sue White: Key member of the team? - no. Scatterbrain floozy? yes!

Dr. Macartney: Okay, I don't want to be without the scatterbrain floozy and without the arrogant knobhead at the same time.

Sue White: Well, there is more than adequate cover.

Dr. Macartney: I don't think there is.

Sue White: Guy is far from irreplaceable, now that is something you've always said.

Dr. Macartney: Yes, I've always said that - very happy to have him out of my sight.

Sue White: And, you managed fine before the scatterbrain floozy arrived.

Dr. Macartney: Did I?

Sue White: Yeah!

Dr. Macartney: Yes, I suppose I did, yes.

Sue White: So what's the problem?

Dr. Macartney: I don't want them to be off - both at the same time! I don't!

Sue White: Why?

Dr. Macartney: Just because.

Sue White: Because why?

Dr. Macartney: Because... because guy is a wanker!

Sue White: Yeah, well, I actually, you know I don't draw up the rosters.

Dr. Macartney: Sorry, are yóu on my side here, or not...?

Sue White: Dr Macartney, Dr Macartney, yes, I'm always on your side, you know I'm by your side, I'm up your side, I'm through your side, I'm *under* your side... I'm all over your side.

Dr. Macartney: Okay, that's time for me to go now, okay.

[leaves]

Sue White: I can do headstands! Now, would you like to see that? Would you...? The...? Would you like to see that?

[she stands up, pulls up her skirt and fans her crotch]

Sue White: Ohhhh...

Dr. Macartney: Say it with me, say it with me, funk-eh.

Dr. Martin Dear: Funk-ee!

Dr. Macartney: Funk-eh!

Dr. Martin Dear: Funk-ee!

Dr. Macartney: No, funk-eh!

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [scary voice] Funkehh!

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Dr. Alan Statham: [hanging in Joanna's office in a hangmansnoose] Help!

[no reaction]

Dr. Alan Statham: I need a wee!

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Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I could happily kill everyone with a baseball cap.

Dr. Macartney: One baseball cap?

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Dr. Caroline Todd: Did you just throw your breast at me?

Sue White: No. Do you want me to?

Dr. Caroline Todd: No.

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[Dr Secretan comes into Sue's office with a small boy under his arm]

Sue White: What's this?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: It's a kid. Um, what do they eat?

Sue White: Is it lost?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: No. I borrowed it from someone because I'm trying to pull and apparently women love it.

[pause]

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Is it doing anything for me?

Sue White: No.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [he puts the child down on Sue's desk] Here, you have it.

[he leaves]

Sue White: [looks at the child less than enthusiastic] Er, hello.

toddler: Hello.

Sue White: Hello. Umm... do you, do you want one of these?

[she pulls a lolly out of a drawer]

toddler: Yes, please.

[holds out a hand towards the lolly]

Sue White: [pulls the lolly away] Well, you can't have it.

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Sue White: Oh, God, you know, I am sorry to drag you in here again, Mac, I know this is boring. Bloody computer virus has wiped off half your record. So, still single, I see, and no-one can understand it! Why you haven't been snapped up is a mystery to me.

Dr. Macartney: Aha.

Sue White: [types something into her computer very quickly] God, I want you. Not just sexually, in every way.

[fast typing]

Sue White: I want to wake up next to you, watch you sleep,

[typing]

Sue White: run my hand over your back and edge forward into regions knowing that my hand could make you feel like no other could.

[more typing]

Sue White: Mobile phone number?

Dr. Macartney: 07956, actually, I'm between...

Sue White: Thighs?

Dr. Macartney: ...networks.

Sue White: Okay.

[typing]

Sue White: And, um... Oh, my God, I want to feel you in my mouth.

[typing]

Sue White: House number?

Dr. Macartney: 21.

Sue White: That's it! That's all we were missing. All righty. Well, you know, you're free to go. See you at the slave auction.

Dr. Macartney: Yes.

Sue White: [whispering] I have an unlimited budget!

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[Sue has bought Guy at the slave auction since Mac wasn't available]

Sue White: Right, now, you are my slave and I can make you do anything I want you to, Dr Secretan.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Yeah, within reason.

Sue White: Well, not necessarily.

[she pulls a red curly wig out of her bag]

Sue White: Right, for instance, pop this on.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: What?

Sue White: Go on, slave, pop that on!

[Guy puts the wig on reluctantly]

Sue White: Oohh, good, just, er, you know, suck your cheeks in.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Why?

Sue White: Just do it! Just pretend you've got cheekbones.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Right, okay...

[he does as he is told]

Sue White: And say "Hello, Sue".

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Hello, Sue.

Sue White: [she moans] ..."I'm Dr McCartney"...

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I'm Dr... ahhhhh. Oh, I'm not saying it, oh, for God's sake!

Sue White: Yeah, touch my bottom! Touch! Touch it!

[Guy grabs it reluctantly]

Sue White: Haaaahhhh, ahhoh, hihhihi...!

[she giggles girlishly]

Sue White: Well, let's buy a sofa together, Mac, shall we? Shall we? It's nice, isn't it?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Oh, it's great.

Sue White: Nice showroom, this, isnt it? Not too busy for a Saturday? Like this one? Shall we? Shall we buy it?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Yes, let's buy it, darling.

Sue White: Oooohhh, okay!

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I could see my white puny body draped across it. I can see my ginger pubes collecting in the cracks.

Sue White: Can you? Oh stop it! Ohhh, in my crack! Collecting in my crack! Oh, lovely! Oooooohhh, you lovely thing!

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Sue White: Dr Secretan... are you ok?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [sobbing] Don't touch me.

Sue White: And you're hiding in the coats because?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I feel safe here... It reminds me of...

Sue White: Being locked up when you were a boarding school boy for being caught tampering with your down belows?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Yep... No! I just wanted some space - would you just go away?

Sue White: No. Now what's the problem? I'm here to help, to listen, to soothe.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: My mother's womb is no more.

Sue White: Oh, dear. Hysterectomy?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: No, she died when I was very young. Left me motherless and now my life is just a shambles without her and it's getting worse... I mean, look at my eyes

Sue White: There's nothing wrong with your eyes... you have very nice eyes. If a little on the pokey side.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Don't be nice to me!

Sue White: Oh, all right! Pull yourself together you cretinous Fuckwit! What sort of a man hides in other people's coats? Rocking and whinging to themselves? I'll tell you what sort of a man... a self centered, egotistical wankbot. Now unhook yourself... and stop being so weak. Men don't cry. They are strong hunter-gatherers! So go hunt, go gather and be a total *cunt* because that's what you do best!

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [shouts] Fuck you! You ugly bitch... Oh, that feels so much better. Do you fancy a quick fiddle now we're in here?

Sue White: Well, I am tempted because I'm all fired up. But no, thanks, I'd rather lick my own armpit.

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Dr. Caroline Todd: [at Caroline's housewarming party. Caroline is standing in the doorway saying goodbye to some people. Sue White jumps up to her] Bye, bye, um, thanks for coming. Oh, oh, you were here...? Well, thank you for coming.

Sue White: [she leans in and speaks to Caroline's breasts] Thank you, Dr Trodd, for inviting me to your party...

Dr. Caroline Todd: I didn't know I did, but you were here and now you're going so that's all that matters.

Sue White: [leans in and kisses her passionately]

Dr. Caroline Todd: I've been sick.

Sue White: [with her hands on her own breasts] Well, so have I. And I am completely shaved!

[panting]

Dr. Caroline Todd: Oh, God. Oh, God.

Sue White: Bye-bye then. I'll see you at work, okay?

[sings and skips away]

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Dr. Caroline Todd: Please can I have a quick word?

Dr. Macartney: Zoom. Whoosh. There's two for you.

[walks off]

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[Boyce has taken Dr Statham to a restaurant after having bought him at the slave auction]

Dr. Alan Statham: Joanna brought me here once... to discuss hospital employment policy. Surreptitiously however, I was bringing her to climax with a breadstick.

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Dr. Caroline Todd: I don't think I like your tone tonight, Martin.

Dr. Martin Dear: [looks in other direction] Fuck off.

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Joanna Clore: And I suppose radiology is proper medicine then, is it?

Dr. Alan Statham: I'm not even going to dignify that with an answer.

[pause]

Dr. Alan Statham: Yes, it bloody is!

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Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Kissing in the toilet?

Dr. Caroline Todd: Yes... who sang Kissing In The Toilets in 1978?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Er... was it a young Geroge Michael?

Dr. Caroline Todd: Yes.

[leaves]

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Fucking hell, that was a guess!

[sings]

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Kissing in the toilet - don't flush, it's lush...

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Dr. Martin Dear: No, actually, it's a note and it's quite hard.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Suicide note?

Dr. Martin Dear: No.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Shame.

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Dr. Angela Hunter: Martin's got his result.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Is it terminal?

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Dr. Macartney: Well?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Well what, you scrawny poof?

[Mac pushes Guy's head into a bowl of cornflakes]

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [through cornflakes] You're not a poof! You're not a poof!

[Mac pulls Guy's head up again]

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: You're not a poof!

Dr. Macartney: And?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: And - you are a poof!

[Mac empties the bowl over Guy's head]

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Dr. Macartney: [bangs Guy's head against lockers] Say it!

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Je suis desole...

Dr. Macartney: [bangs Guy's head] In English!

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Martin I'm s... I'm s... I'm s... sorry I told you you'd passed your exams when you hadn't.

[Martin pulls Guy's lip]

Dr. Macartney: Now hug.

Dr. Guilaume SecretanDr. Martin Dear: What?

Dr. Macartney: I said hug.

[there is no reaction]

Dr. Macartney: FUCKING HUG!

[Guy and Martin hug very awkwardly but break apart when Mac walks away. He turns back]

Dr. Macartney: I said hug!

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Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I can do a surface dive in my pyjamas.

Dr. Macartney: That's probably very handy for a bedwetter.

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Dr. Macartney: Can I go and cut people up now?

Dr. Caroline Todd: Yes.

Dr. Macartney: Excellent!

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Boyce: [to Alan] You can't make me laugh... by poking me.

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Dr. Guilaume Secretan: That's how I remembered your name when I first met you.

Dr. Macartney: What?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Massively annoying chap.

Dr. Macartney: Massively annoying chap?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Yeah. Mac. I was going to say Massively Annoying...

[scene cuts]

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Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Oh, what are you scared about Marty?

Dr. Martin Dear: Oh, er, well, er, failing my exams again and everyone I know realising what a loser I am and always will be, and losing any self-esteem that I ever had, and hating myself and being myself for the rest of my life.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Fair enough.

Dr. Martin Dear: Still, I suppose everyone feels like that about exams, don't they?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Er, no. Not me.

Dr. Martin Dear: Why not?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Ooh, let me see. Is it because exams are easy peasy lemon squeezy or I'm brilliant? It's both! See, the Secretans have never been a home to self-doubt, I have no idea what you're feeling.

Dr. Martin Dear: Well, it's bloody horrible.

[Martin puts on his doctor's coat. A tiger tail is pinned to the back. Guy notices]

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Erm, Martin.

Dr. Martin Dear: What?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Nothing.

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Dr. Caroline Todd: How was the interview?

Dr. Macartney: Not sure... think I might have used the words 'job', 'stick', 'up' and 'arse' all in one sentence. Is that a bad thing?

Dr. Caroline Todd: Well I... I think tone of voice is very important.

Dr. Macartney: Is it, is it? Damn. Shit. Excuse me, I have some patients to see.

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Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Yes, I've died and gone to heaven, females are fighting over their pants. They're going to rip each other's clothes off!

Boyce: I'm getting a semi.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Semi? What's wrong with you boy, I'm like a flagpole!

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Dr. Macartney: The smell of her perfume mingling with her skin, her bodily fluids, her shampoo... which all come together to make...

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: A dirty minging woman, trust the bloody French to make it sound romantic.

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Dr. Caroline Todd: Aha! Where have you been, aren't you supposed to be back in theatre and I've been looking for you.

Dr. Macartney: Here, no, and well done, you've found me. It's your turn to hide.

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Dr. Macartney: I'm assuming you've taken painkillers?

Dr. Caroline Todd: I want something stronger. I want the stuff you use... to kill people.

Dr. Macartney: Nope, saving all that for Guy.

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Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Yeah, I'll see you in Zurich.

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Joanna Clore: God, you've changed your tune.

Dr. Alan Statham: Yes, I march to a different tune.

[sings]

Dr. Alan Statham: La la la la la la-la-laaa, la la la la...

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Dr. Caroline Todd: I do like him.

Sue White: I see.

Dr. Caroline Todd: In a non-professional way.

Sue White: Ah.

Dr. Caroline Todd: And I work with him every day so...

[Sue makes strange gagging noises]

Dr. Caroline Todd: What?

Sue White: Nothing. It's - er - you work with him every day?

Dr. Caroline Todd: Yeah.

Sue White: Guy?

Dr. Caroline Todd: No.

Sue White: The other one?

Dr. Caroline Todd: Yeah.

Sue White: [close to tears] The - er - the one with the lion's mane?

Dr. Caroline Todd: I - w - yeah.

Sue White: I see. Well, Dr Trod, maybe you've had your chance with him. Maybe it's too late. Maybe someone else deserves to take priority. Maybe you should just STAY AWAY or pay the price. Mmm, mmm? Now maybe you should think about that. You've been warned, lady.

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Dr. Martin Dear: It is for a good cause.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I don't do good causes, OK? A charity shag maybe, but certainly not to raise fucking money for medical equipment.

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Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [in operating theatre] What? Does it say no smoking?

[bad Geordie accent]

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Does it say no smoking? Which way to the dole office? Do you know I'm unemployed and I have a mullet?

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Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Buggering wank!

Dr. Macartney: No, no, don't tell me the Swiss water polo team lost again!

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Sue White: This is Dr Macartney.

Dr. Macartney: Hi - Mac, call me Mac, hi.

Dr. Caroline Todd: Any relation to...

Dr. Macartney: Ringo Starr? No, actually, but impeccable timing because we're a pair of hands down on a routine hernia operation.

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Dr. Macartney: You know what you need? You need a system. Like I used pneumonics when I was revising.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Yeah, me too. Take the bones of the head, alright -

[points to parts of his head as he names the bones]

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: frontal, parietal, occipital, zygomatic, sphenoid, temporal, maxilla, mandible, vomer, nasal.

Dr. Martin Dear: Jesus, how did you remember that?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I just took a simple everyday phrase where the words begin with the same letters as the bones.

Dr. Macartney: Go on then, what is it?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Foreign politicians often zing stereotypical tunes, mayday, mayday, Venezuela, neck.

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Dr. Macartney: Martin, Martin, see this - is that your signiture?

Dr. Martin Dear: Yeah, it is, yeah.

Dr. Macartney: Yeah, can't really do smiley faces on death certificates. Does look a little bit insensitive.

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Dr. Guilaume Secretan: You - are a *gingre*.

Dr. Macartney: I am a *fraise-blonde*.

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Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Do you think you could kill somebody out of work?

Dr. Macartney: What, kill an unemployed person?

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Dr. Martin Dear: She's my smoo too!

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: She's your smoo? And my smoo!

Dr. Martin Dear: What are we going to do?

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Dr. Alan Statham: Erm... you may be thinking that I am comparing my penis to that of a corpse.

[looks shifty and wanders away]

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Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I was only down the old Hackney Stadium last night... blew a monkey on a dog.

Dr. Macartney: Really? You'll have the RSPCA after you.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: No, a monkey, it's fifty sheets.

Terry: Five hundred.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Really? So what's a pony?

Dr. Macartney: It's kind of a small horse...

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Dr. Martin Dear: You know, I've never really even touched anyone that attractive.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Well, I don't mind you touching my arm if you want.

Dr. Martin Dear: Oh, it's not quite the same is it?

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Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [on Martin's new party outfit] Oh look, it's the love child of Wayne Sleep and Godzilla. What are you, the eighth dwarf, Twatty? You know, even if you were from the future you'd still be wrong. Actually do you know what I like about this outfit? Fuck all.

[sucks the spikes on his shoulders]

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Dr. Macartney: I'm sorry, was that a comeback? Not that I heard it or anything, I was about twenty yards down the corridor...

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Dr. Martin Dear: The patients don't like me.

Sue White: I see. Anything else?

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Dr. Macartney: So tell me, why are you wearing a blouse?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: What?

Dr. Macartney: It's a blouse, isn't it?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Fuck off, it's designer.

Dr. Macartney: What, Laura Ashley?

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Dr. Caroline Todd: Go away.

Dr. Macartney: Shan't.

Dr. Caroline Todd: I am such a tit.

Dr. Macartney: Yep. Yep.

Dr. Caroline Todd: You don't have to agree with me.

Dr. Macartney: I was just being polite.

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Dr. Macartney: [into phone] He had sex with his mother.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Don't tell them that!

Dr. Macartney: Why not?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Jesus, what's wrong with you?

Dr. Macartney: Why not, it's not a crime!

[listens into phone]

Dr. Macartney: Oh, it is? Wow. Apparently you can get up to seven years...

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: This is you talking someone out of a suicidal depression?

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Dr. Martin Dear: I'm not your slave!

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: You've been misinformed.

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Joanna Clore: [on Mac's hair] Well, at least I don't look like a girl.

Dr. Macartney: Ah, touche, touche...

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Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Oi, I made up a song, it goes -

[sings]

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: who's the man? Who's the man? Is Guy the man? Yes yes I am!

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[Guy has let slip that he was a bridesmaid at the age of five]

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: It was a turn of phrase!

Dr. Macartney: Turn of gender?

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Joanna Clore: [on answering machine] It's over, Alan. Don't contact me. You will never feel my super-vagina again.

Dr. Alan Statham: I, I, I wish people would leave a name!

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[Guy is explaining the rules of "guyball"]

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Now remember, don't leave the parish, if you get to the maison, put your hand up and shout, "Maison!"

Dr. Macartney: Maison!

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: There are no hedgehogs, and no burrowing tactics. I won the toss, so sticklers are random. Have you got that?

Dr. Martin Dear: No, not really.

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Good. Go!

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Dr. Guilaume Secretan: I feel safe here. It reminds me of...

Sue White: Being locked away as a boarding-school boy for tampering with your down-belows?

Dr. Guilaume Secretan: Yep... No!

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Dr. Caroline Todd: Boyce, you're friends with Mac and Guy. Who's the biggest scumbag?

Boyce: Guy. Guy, Guy, Guy, Guy.

Dr. Caroline Todd: Guy? Why Guy?

Boyce: He once ethically objected to resuscitating a woman with an A-cup.

Dr. Caroline Todd: An egg cup?

Boyce: No, an A-cup, small puppies. He said it wasn't worth saving less than a handful.

Dr. Caroline Todd: Dear God!

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Joanna Clore: What kind of masked kidnapper are you?

Dr. Alan Statham: Well, one who is loathe to contravene local bye-laws, actually.

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Dr. Martin Dear: Have you ever thought about having a sexy girlfriend who you'd sleep with?

Dr. Caroline Todd: Nope.

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Dr. Guilaume Secretan: [holding a keyboard singing] Mackenzie, gonna get the finger, cos his daddy, so freaky ginger.

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Dr. Caroline Todd: Here's to goats with hooves! May they never fall off the mountain and break their spindly legs!

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Dr. Caroline Todd: [Final advice to a school tour] Don't get ill. We make you very sleepy and do terrible things to you.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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