Wake Up, Ron Burgundy: The Lost Movie (2004 Video)
Ron Burgundy: Brick, what are you eating?
Brick Tamland: Oh, it is one of those delicious falafel hot dogs with cinnamon and bacon on top.
Ron Burgundy: What do you mean "one of those?" Those don't exist... that's a used coffee filter with cigarette butts on it.
Ron Burgundy: [warming up before the news] A tarantula enjoys a fine chewing gum.
Brian Fantana: I thought for sure he was gay.
Champ Kind: He's gay alright. I made out with him at the Christmas party.
Brian Fantana: What?
Champ Kind: Nothing.
Bank Teller: [mockingly as The Alarm Clock walks out of the bank after not getting any money] It's been a pleasure doing business with you.
Kanshasha X: I'm coming back for you! You got a bad attitude!
Bank Teller: You've got a bad attitude, SIR!
Kanshasha X: [stammering] You... you're a jerk!
Jess Moondragon: Mother Nature sure got up on the right side of bed today, huh?
Ron Burgundy: [laughs] She's a giving lady!
Jess Moondragon: Yeah.
Ron Burgundy: Mother Nature, she is.
Jess Moondragon: She didn't even bother to put on makeup!
Jess Moondragon: You know, I - I'd deeply like to take her and... make love to her.
Ron Burgundy: Mm! She's an elusive goddess, Mother Nature.
Jess Moondragon: Yeah. Still, to... feel her succulent breasts pressed against me, and... my breath whispering hot in her ear. Yeah, baby. While I fumble with my belt... you get my drift, friend?
Ron Burgundy: Yeah. Yeah, I do. I do. But therein lies the rub, for she turns away all suitors.
Jess Moondragon: I'd like to take Mother Nature to a sleazy motel, get in the shower, and... wash each other all over, and then go in the bedroom and do things you can only do in Bangkok...
Ron Burgundy: All right, I'm gonna have to stop you there; you're making me very uncomfortable.
Jess Moondragon: Sorry, Ron Burgundy, I... Mother Nature does that to me.
[Ron, Brian, Champ and Brick drive to the observatory]
Champ Kind: I love you, Ron.
Champ Kind: I said I love you, Ron.
Champ Kind: Why is everyone ignoring me? I love you, Ron! And I think we should adopt a child together in Vermont! Answer me!
Ron Burgundy: Um... so... uh... the... the car's running great.
Brian Fantana: Hm? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah...
Ron Burgundy: Take it for a tune-up?
Brian Fantana: Yeah.
Ron Burgundy: Uh-huh.
Brian Fantana: Changed the oil...
Ron Burgundy: Good!
Brian Fantana: And, uh...
Champ Kind: [shouts] Answer me! Ron! Ron, I know you heard me. I love you... and I want to be with you... like men. I want to be inside you. I want you inside me.
Brian Fantana: All right, anybody's up for the radio?
Ron Burgundy: I would love to hear the radio.
Brick Tamland: Yeah.
Champ Kind: [shouts] No radio! I have something to say to Ron! You know I've had feelings for you for a long time! We'd be good together, Ron, I-I-I'm a good cook. Uh... do you like your feet rubbed? I'll bet you do. I'll-I'll rub 'em, and, uh, maybe we could get married in a ceremony presided over by Roger Staubach - I already called him last week, I hope that's okay with you.
Ron Burgundy: Mexican food on me?
Brian Fantana: Hey, that sounds good.
Brick Tamland: Yeah, burrito!
Ron Burgundy: Okay.
Champ Kind: Say it! Say "Champ Burgundy," say it!
Brick Tamland: Tostada!
Ron Burgundy: Uh, tostadas would be great!
Champ Kind: [shouts] I am in love with Ron Burgundy! I'm always thinking about you, Ron! I have dream journals about you - filled pages! When I make love to women, I close my eyes and think of you when I finish! Ron Burgundy is in love with me!
Champ Kind: "Ron Burgundy and Champion Kind, oh, let's... be so beautiful together, running in the grass, in the summer and the fall, and winter time too..."
Bill Lawson: There are stories epic, and grand stories that are forever lost in the sands of time, forgotten or changed by cruel kings who can hear only the whispers of these lost legends. Still other tales become too frightening for future generations to impart to their young. But other stories are lost to us because they don't test well with recruited audiences, or because a movie is too long, and the story must be cut for time. This is one of those tales. This is the chaff from the wheat, the skim from the milk, the pudding from the all-you-can-eat lobster buffet, and the surgeon guy from Prince and the Revolution. This is the lost movie "Wake Up, Ron Burgundy."
Ron Burgundy: [while making love to Veronica Corningstone] Hey, wake the black lady up.
Brian Fantana: Come on guys, don't eat me! Eat Brick! He won't even care. Right Brick?
Brick Tamland: Oh yeah, that's fine.
Ron Burgundy: [singing] Hush little baby daddy's going to eat you...
Ron Burgundy: So Champ, did you get lucky last night?
Champ Kind: Oh no, uh, last night... oh, I stayed home for awhile, drank about six bottles of white wine, pissed my pants, so I drove down to Mexico, and shot some stray dogs. You know, pretty much standard Tuesday night.
Elderly Woman: Ron Burgandy... oh boy. If I were only thirty years younger... by that I mean I'd blow him!
Malcolm Y: Know what we should do with this money?
Paul Hauser: I think we should buy a big bag of grass.
Ed Harken: Chris, how many times have we had this conversation?
Chris Harken: About a million times.
Ed Harken: I guess it'll be a million and one, so listen up. You cannot hang around people's houses at night wearing a ski mask.
Chris Harken: I'm not hanging out, I'm doing stuff.
Brick Tamland: [Breaks the 4th wall and points at the screen] Hey look, a camera!
[Ron, Brian, Champ, and Brick are all laughing heavily over a joke Champ Kind has made]
Ron Burgundy: An astute observation lead to laughter!
Ron Burgundy: We are laughing!
[Everyone continues to laugh]
Ron Burgundy: And it is continuing...
[They laugh less]
Ron Burgundy: And it is slowing down, but there is still a good spirit!
Ron Burgundy: And it is slowly getting less.
Brian Fantana: We got it Ron...
[Champ let's out a giggle]
Ron Burgundy: There's a little chuckle.
Ron Burgundy: And... it's done.
Brian Fantana: You really wreck moments when you do that Ron.
Paul Hauser: [the Alarm Clock is robbing a bank... he approaches a teller] We got guns! Now fill this sack with cash!
Bank Teller: Uh... what do your masks mean?
Paul Hauser: Just fill this sack with cash!
Bank Teller: Just what point are you trying to make? Do you not like Lincoln?
Paul Hauser: Of course we like Lincoln. He freed the slaves.
Bank Teller: [looking at their masked faces] So you like Lincoln, and uh... Nixon, and uh, werewolves?
Paul Hauser: What?
Bank Teller: I mean Nixon, whatever... he's kind of a creep. But werewolves? Werewolves are the walking undead... they're bloodthirsty killers! Who likes werewolves?
Kanshasha X: We don't like werewolves, man! We hate werewolves!
Bank Teller: Well, you've got a werewolf mask on, so...
Kanshasha X: I can see that!
Bank Teller: Are you bloodthirsty killers?
Paul Hauser: No... we are not bloodthirsty killers, okay? We're pacifists!
Bank Teller: It's not a really smart thing to tell somebody when you're robbing them, okay, that you're a pacifist, 'cause now I know that you're not going to kill me.
Malcolm Y: Man, somebody shut her up!
Paul Hauser: No no no... listen, you've got it all wrong, okay? This is just a cover, to cover our faces.
Bank Teller: No, I'm not gonna give you money, because you didn't deserve it! I mean, you say you're a political group? You come in here with a Nixon mask, and a werewolf mask, and a Lincoln mask? I'm gonna make connections! So... so what's your statement?
[points to Malcolm Y]
Bank Teller: And this guy's not even wearing a mask!
Malcolm Y: [racks rifle] 'Cause I don't give a shit!
Bank Teller: That's scary to me. That works. I will give that gentleman a little bit of money. But the rest of you? Beat it!
Bank Teller: Here's some truth for you... The Alarm Clock is a ridiculous name. It's not scary!
Kanshasha X: Man, she's pissing me off! Let's shoot her!
Bank Teller: Excuse me sir, could you lower your voice?
Kanshasha X: Aw, hell no!
[raises her werewolf mask]
Kanshasha X: Now you're calling me sir? I am a ma'am, ma'am!
Bank Teller: I'm sorry... I didn't know what sex the werewolf was!
Kanshasha X: How many werewolves you see around here wearing a skirt? And a gun! NONE!
Bank Teller: You know what? Get out of here, you dicks!
[throws sack back at Paul]
Bank Teller: You're a bunch of dicks!