Tony Wilson: Why "Tristram Shandy"? This is the book that many people said is unfilmable.
Steve Coogan: I think that's the attraction. "Tristram Shandy" was a post-modern classic written before there was any modernism to be post about. So it was way ahead of its time and, in fact, for those who haven't heard of it, it was actually listed as number eight on the Observer's top 100 books of all time.
Tony Wilson: That was a *chronological* list.
Rob Brydon: The thing is, I can't act...
Steve Coogan: I know that.
Rob Brydon: ...with Gillian Anderson. I have a sexual thing for Gillian Anderson.
Rob Brydon: [Rob shows Steve his teeth] What do you think? Have a look at the color.
Steve Coogan: I saw the color the last time I looked. It registered.
Rob Brydon: It's what they call "not white." What color would you call it?
Steve Coogan: I would, I'd concur with "not white." I'd go further.
Rob Brydon: I mean, it's not yellow.
Steve Coogan: I, you know, I mean, there's a sliding scale, isn't there, you know.
Rob Brydon: Hint of yellow.
Steve Coogan: I think you're closest to...
Rob Brydon: Barley meadow. Tuscan sunset.
Steve Coogan: You're getting laughs, but it's not making your teeth look any better.
Steve Coogan: [Steve is hanging upside down in the model womb] How about filming the other way around, the right way up, and then just flip the image?
Leo: Well, maybe, but I'd have to have a word with Mark about that. I mean, I think he wanted the realism.
Steve Coogan: He wants realism?
Steve Coogan: Yeah, I'm a grown man, talking to the camera, in a fucking womb!
Mark: [referring to Gillian Anderson] It would make it a real movie if it had a real star.
Mark: [noting Steve Coogan's presence] Two stars.
Walter Shandy: My son is not yet born, and I am already exhausted.
Jennie: 'Fear Eats The Soul,' there's more truth in that title than most whole films.
Steve Coogan: Do you know there's a good Groucho Marx story about, see, he meets a woman with seven children and says "Why've you got seven kids?" and she says "Because I love my husband." And he says, "Well, I love my cigar, but I take it out now and again."
Steve Coogan: Given that the story's about Walter's love for his son, I really think that Walter should be there at the birth.
Joe: It's the 18th Century. Men just didn't do that. You're a 21st Century man, but Walter can't be.
Steve Coogan: He talks to the fucking camera. He can be emotional. If you saw Walter for an instant holding the baby in his arms, then you would forgive him all his flaws.
Joe: Yeah, but it would look terrible. It'd be like the scene in Robin Hood where Kevin Costner delivers a baby.
Steve Coogan: Because he's got a stupid mullet haircut.
Rob Brydon: [Rob shows Steve his teeth] What do you think? I've had them done.
Steve Coogan: I know you have.
Rob Brydon: What do you think? Feel that one. There's no crevice. Feel it.
Steve Coogan: Don't ask me to feel your teeth.
Rob Brydon: Just close your eyes and feel it.
Steve Coogan: No. It's your fucking teeth. Christ!
Rob Brydon: What is the matter with you? You've got such a thing about, whenever there's a hint of something gay, you immediately...
Steve Coogan: What? This has nothing to do with "gay". I'm very cautious.
Rob Brydon: That's what it is. You don't want to touch another man's teeth, because you're worried you might be attracted to me. Just touch my teeth.
Steve Coogan: I've got to be able to kick and stretch. That's what foeti do.
Leo: Yeah, but not when they're full term.
Steve Coogan: He wants realism. Yeah. I'm a grown man, talking to the camera, in a womb.
Tristram Shandy: That is a child actor, pretending to be me. I'll be able to play myself later. I think I could probably get away with being eighteen, nineteen. Until then, I'll be played by a series of child actors. This was the best of a bad bunch.
Steve Coogan: This is a postmodern novel before there was any modernism to be post about.
Walter Shandy: Tristram? My son has been cursed from the moment of his conception.
Steve Coogan: You're fantastically attractive and your knowledge of German cinema is second to none.
Dr. Slop: I can extrude the baby's head before the mother has a chance to mash its head to dough. Captain Shandy, make a baby's head of your hands. You're to imagine these sleeves are Mrs. Shandy's... funnel.
Rob Brydon: Funnel?
Susannah: Meat curtains.
Rob Brydon: Meat curtains? Brother?
Steve Coogan: My brother knows nothing of women.