Optimus Prime: With the All Spark gone, we cannot return life to our planet. And fate has yielded its reward: a new world to call home. We live among its people now, hiding in plain sight, but watching over them in secret, waiting, protecting. I have witnessed their capacity for courage, and though we are worlds apart, like us, there's more to them than meets the eye. I am Optimus Prime, and I send this message to any surviving Autobots taking refuge among the stars. We are here. We are waiting.
[Captain Lennox is trying to call the Pentagon while his men fight Scorponok]
Captain Lennox: I need a credit card! Epps, where's your wallet?
USAF Tech Sergeant Epps: Pocket!
Captain Lennox: Which pocket?
USAF Tech Sergeant Epps: MY BACK POCKET!
Captain Lennox: You got like ten back pockets!
USAF Tech Sergeant Epps: LEFT CHEEK! LEFT CHEEK! LEFT CHEEK!
Optimus Prime: Before time began, there was the Cube. We know not where it comes from, only that it holds the power to create worlds and fill them with life. That is how our race was born. For a time, we lived in harmony. But like all great power, some wanted it for good, others for evil. And so began the war. A war that ravaged our planet until it was consumed by death, and the Cube was lost to the far reaches of space. We scattered across the galaxy, hoping to find it and rebuild our home. Searching every star, every world. And just when all hope seemed lost, message of a new discovery drew us to an unknown planet called... Earth.
[the All Spark falls to Earth]
Optimus Prime: But we were already too late...
Ironhide: You have a rodent infestation.
Sam Witwicky: A what?
Ironhide: [aiming cannons at Mojo] Shall I terminate?
Sam Witwicky: No! No! This is a chihuahua. We love chihuahuas.
Ironhide: He's leaked lubricants all over my foot! Hmmph!
Sam Witwicky: He peed on you? Bad Mojo! Bad!
Ironhide: Bad Mojo! Ugh, my foot's gonna rust...
Sam Witwicky: [looking up at Bumblebee] Can you talk?
Bumblebee: [through his radio] "XM Satellite One"..."Digital Cable brings you"..."Columbia Broadcasting System"...
Sam Witwicky: So, you... so you talk through the radio?
Bumblebee: [clapping his hands] "Thank you, you're beautiful! You're wonderful, you're wonderful."
Sam Witwicky: So what was that last night? What was that?
Bumblebee: [pointing skywards] "Message from Starfleet, Captain"..."Throughout the inanimate vastness of space"..."And angels will rain down like visitors from Heaven! Hallelujah!"
Mikaela: Visitors from heaven... so you're, like, an alien?
[Bumblebee points a finger at her and nods, and converts into a Camaro]
Bumblebee: "Any more questions you want to ask?"
Sam Witwicky: He wants us to get in the car.
Mikaela: [laughing nervously] And go where?
Sam Witwicky: Fifty years from now, when you're looking back at your life, don't you want to be able to say you had the guts to get in the car?
[Bumblebee, with Sam and Mikaela inside, is being chased by Barricade]
Mikaela: Oh, God! We're gonna die! We're gonna die!
Sam Witwicky: No, we're not. No, we're not gonna die. Trust me. He's a kick-ass driver!
[Bumblebee heads towards a wall]
Sam Witwicky: [high-pitched scream] Oh, my God! No! We're gonna die!
Frenzy: [reporting to Barricade] Stupid insects tried to shoot me... found a clue to the All Spark...
[he plugs himself into a monitor and displays what information he had stolen from Air Force One]
Frenzy: Witwicky - he has seen our language... Witwicky search...
[Frenzy activates a search engine, which brings up an eBay file on Sam and a picture of spectacles. Frenzy notices familiar markings on those spectacles... ]
Frenzy: We must find LadiesMan217! Go, go, go!
[the police car speeds off... ]
Judy Witwicky: [barging into Sam's bedroom, her husband in tow] Oh, for Pete's sakes! You are so defensive! Were you... masturbating?
Ron Witwicky: Judy...
Sam Witwicky: [frantic] Was I master... No, Mom!
Ron Witwicky: Zip it, okay?
Judy Witwicky: It's okay...
Sam Witwicky: No, I don't masturbate!
Ron Witwicky: That's not something for you to bring up.
Judy Witwicky: Okay.
Ron Witwicky: That's a father-and-son thing, okay?
Sam Witwicky: Father-son thing...
Judy Witwicky: I mean, you don't have to call it that word if that makes you uncomfortable... you can call it Sam's happy time or...
Sam Witwicky: [amazed] Happy time?
Judy Witwicky: ...my special alone time...
Ron Witwicky: Judy, stop!
Judy Witwicky: ...with myself.
Sam Witwicky: Mom, you can't come in and...
Judy Witwicky: I'm sorry. It's just been a weird night. I've had a little bit to drink.
Mikaela: Why are you here?
Optimus Prime: We are here looking for the All Spark. And we must find it before Megatron.
Sam Witwicky: Mega-what?
[Prime projects a holographic view of Cybertron]
Optimus Prime: Our planet was once a powerful empire, peaceful and just, until we were betrayed by Megatron, leader of the Decepticons. All who defied them were destroyed. Our war finally consumed the planet, and the All Spark was lost to the stars. Megatron followed it to Earth, where Captain Witwicky found him...
Sam Witwicky: My grandfather.
Optimus Prime: It was an accident that intertwined our fates.
[Captain Witwicky discovers Megatron in the ice]
Optimus Prime: Megatron crash-landed before he could retrieve the Cube.
[the Captain fiddles with Megatron's gears, causing a bright light to strike him... ]
Optimus Prime: He accidentally activated his navigation system. The coordinates to the Cube's location on Earth were imprinted on his glasses.
Sam Witwicky: How did you know about his glasses?
Optimus Prime: eBay.
Sam Witwicky: eBay...
Ratchet: If the Decepticons find the All Spark, they will use its power to transform Earth's machines and build a new army.
Optimus Prime: And the human race will be extinguished. Sam Witwicky, you hold the key to Earth's survival.
Mikaela: Please tell me that you have those glasses?
Ironhide: Why are we fighting to save the humans? They're a primitive and violent race.
Optimus Prime: Were we so different? They're a young species. They have much to learn. But I've seen goodness in them. Freedom is the right of all sentient beings. You all know there's only one way to end this war: we must destroy the Cube. If all else fails, I will unite it with the spark in my chest.
Ratchet: That's suicide! The Cube is raw power, it could destroy you both!
Optimus Prime: A necessary sacrifice to bring peace to this planet. We cannot let the humans pay for our mistakes. It's been an honor serving with you all.
Trent: You know, I thought I recognized you. You tried out for the football team last year, right?
Sam Witwicky: Oh, no, no, that... No. That, that wasn't like a real try-out. I was researching a book I was writing.
Trent: Oh, yeah?
Sam Witwicky: Yeah!
Trent: [grinning] Yeah? What's it about? Sucking at sports?
Sam Witwicky: [laughs a little] No, it's about the link between brain damage and football.
[Trent looks really angry, while Mikaela hides a smile]
Sam Witwicky: [nods head] No, it... it's a good book. Your friends will love it. You know, it's got mazes in it and, you know, little coloring areas, sections, pop-up pictures. It's... a lot of fun.
Ron Witwicky: [drives past a Porsche dealer] I've got a little surprise for you, son.
Sam Witwicky: No, no, no, no! Dad! Oh, you've got to be kidding me!
Ron Witwicky: Yeah, I am. You're not getting a Porsche!
Megatron: Humans don't deserve to live!
Optimus Prime: They deserve to choose for themselves!
Megatron: Then you will die with them!
[throws Prime away and primes his cannon]
Megatron: JOIN THEM IN EXTINCTION!
Optimus Prime: My weapons specialist: Ironhide.
Ironhide: [drawing his guns] You feelin' lucky, punk?
Optimus Prime: Easy, Ironhide...
Ironhide: [retracts his guns] Just kidding. I just wanted to show him my cannons.
[Ratchet runs into power lines, shocking him and causing a tremor throughout the neighborhood]
Ron Witwicky: [crawling under a table] Earthquake! Earthquake! Judy, get under the table!
Judy Witwicky: How did you get over there so fast?
[Outside, a dazed Ratchet staggers to his feet]
Ratchet: Wow... that was tingly! You gotta try that!
Ironhide: [sarcastic] Yeah, that looks fun...
Barricade: Are you username: LadiesMan217?
Sam Witwicky: I don't know what you're talking about!
Barricade: ARE YOU USERNAME: LADIESMAN217?
Sam Witwicky: Yeah...
Barricade: Where is the eBay item 21153? WHERE ARE THE GLASSES?
USAF Tech Sergeant Epps: [on the phone, to the Pentagon, while fighting Scorponok] I never seen this in my life! We need gunships on station ASAP!... Unknown, man, I don't... man, if you seen this shit!
[Mojo wets Ironhide's foot]
Ironhide: Ewww, wet wet wet wet wet...!
Jazz: Is that all you got, Megatron?
Megatron: Come here, you little cretin!
[Megatron grabs Jazz, but Jazz opens fire with his blaster]
Jazz: You want a piece of me? You want a piece?
Megatron: No, I want TWO!
[rips Jazz in half]
Sam Witwicky: Look, I can't be any clearer than how crystal clear I am being. It just stood up.
Sheriff: It just stood up? Wow. That's really neat. Okay, chiefie. Time to fill her up...
[hands Sam a container and a tissue]
Sheriff: And no drippy-drippy. What are you rolling? Whippets? Goof balls? A little wowie sauce with the boys?
Sam Witwicky: No, I'm not on any drugs!
Sheriff: What's these?
[shows Sam a bottle of pills]
Sheriff: Found it in your pocket. "Mojo". Is that what the kids are doing now, a little bit of Mojo...?
Sam Witwicky: Those are my dog's pain pills.
Ron Witwicky: You know, a Chihauhua. A little...
Sheriff: [annoyed] What was that?
Sam Witwicky: Hmm?
Sheriff: You eyeballing my piece, 50 Cent? You wanna go?
[leans over Sam]
Sheriff: Make something happen. Do it. 'Cause I promise you I will bust you up.
Sam Witwicky: [whispers] Are you on drugs?
Optimus Prime: It's you and me, Megatron...
Megatron: No, it's just ME, Prime!
Optimus Prime: At the end of this day, one shall stand, one shall fall!
Megatron: You still fight for the weak! That is why you lose!
Agent Simmons: Last night at the station, you told the officer your car transformed. Enlighten me.
Sam Witwicky: Well, here's what I said, okay? 'Cause this is a total misunderstanding that my car had been stolen...
Agent Simmons: Really?
Sam Witwicky: ...from me, from my home, but it's fine now because it's back! It came back!
Mikaela: Well, not by itself.
Sam Witwicky: Well, no.
Mikaela: Because cars don't do that because that would be crazy.
Agent Simmons: So what do you kids know about aliens, huh?
[Bumblebee drives Sam and Mikaela through a tunnel]
Mikaela: [in the back seat] This car's a pretty good driver.
Sam Witwicky: [in the passenger seat] Yeah.
[looks at the empty driver's seat]
Sam Witwicky: Why don't you go sit on that seat there?
Mikaela: I'm not gonna sit on that seat. He's driving.
Sam Witwicky: Yeah. You're right. You know, maybe you should sit on my lap.
Sam Witwicky: Well, I have the only seat belt here. Safety first.
Mikaela: Yeah. Right.
[Mikaela moves from the back seat to Sam's lap]
Sam Witwicky: See? That's better.
Mikaela: You know, that seat belt thing was a pretty smooth move.
Sam Witwicky: Thank you.
Optimus Prime: Sam, I owe you my life. We are in your debt.
Agent Simmons: Ronald Wikity?
Ron Witwicky: It's Witwicky. Who are you?
Agent Simmons: We're the government. Sector Seven.
Ron Witwicky: Never heard of it.
Agent Simmons: Never will.
Sam Witwicky: [begging his teacher to give him an "A"] Look, can you do me a favor-can you look out the window for a second? See my father? He's the guy in the green car? Let me tell you about a dream, a boy's dream, and a man's promise to that boy. He looked him in the eye and said "Son, I' gonna buy you a car, but I want you to bring me two-thousand dollars and three A's." OK, I got the two thousand and two A's. OK, here's the dream. Your B minus? Pfff! Dream gone. Kaput. Sir, just ask yourself... What would Jesus do?
Optimus Prime: Sam... you risked your life to protect the Cube.
Sam Witwicky: No sacrifice, no victory.
Optimus Prime: [to a dying Megatron] You left me no choice, brother.
Tooth Fairy Girl: [to a giant robot as it emerges from a swimming pool and steps over her] Excuse me, are you the Tooth Fairy?
Starscream: I live to serve you, Lord Megatron...
Megatron: Where is the Cube?
Starscream: The humans have taken it!
Megatron: You fail me yet again, Starscream... GET THEM!
Tom Banachek: You have to accept that there are certain things you won't understand right away. Sector Seven is a special access division of the Government, convened in secret under President Hoover eighty years ago. You might remember NASA JPL lost the Beagle 2 Mars Rover? We told them to report the mission a complete failure. It wasn't. Beagle 2 transmitted for thirteen seconds. This was classified ABOVE top secret...
[Banachek plays a video of a giant lifeform crushing the Beagle]
Tom Banachek: More than just a pile of Martian rocks.
[Banachek shows the Secretary two photographs]
Tom Banachek: This is the image from Mars. This is the image your Special Ops team managed to retrieve from the base attack. We believe that they are of the same exoskeletal type, and obviously not Russian or North Korean.
Keller: Are we talking about... an invasion?
Tom Banachek: We intercepted the message from your Special Ops team. These things can be hurt by our weapons, and now they know it. That's why the virus shut us down, so we can't coordinate against their next attack... which I would bet my ridiculous government salary is coming soon.
[Bumblebee approaches Sam and Mikaela]
Mikaela: What is it?
Sam Witwicky: It's a robot. You know, like a super advanced robot. It's probably Japanese. Yeah, it's definitely Japanese.
[He slowly walks towards Bumblebee]
Mikaela: [alarmed] What are you doing?
Sam Witwicky: I don't think it wants to hurt us. He would've done that already.
Mikaela: Really? Well, do you speak robot? Because they just had, like, a giant droid death match!
Sarah Lennox: [about their baby daughter] She has your laugh.
Captain Lennox: She laughed?
Sarah Lennox: Her first one.
Captain Lennox: Ah... are you sure she didn't just fart?
Sarah Lennox: [laughs] No, she's a lady. She doesn't know you yet, but she will.
Agent Simmons: Mean little sucker, huh?
Maggie Madsen: That thing is freaky!
Agent Simmons: Kinda like the itty-bitty Energizer Bunny from hell, huh?
Sam Witwicky: That's stupid. That was a stupid line. "There's more than meets the eye with you." Stupid.
[Megatron notices some humans near him]
[revolted, he flicks one of them away]
Agent Simmons: What you're about to see is totally classified...
[Project Iceman is reveled: a towering mechanical clossus, imprisoned in a cryogenic chamber]
Keller: Dear God... what is this?
Tom Banachek: We think that when he made his approach over the North Pole our gravitation field screwed up his telemetry and crashed into the ice, probably a few thousand years ago. We shipped him here to this facility in 1934.
Agent Simmons: We call him NBE-1.
Sam Witwicky: I don't mean to correct you on all that you think you know, but that's Megatron. He's the leader of the Decepticons.
Tom Banachek: He's been in cryo-stasis since 1935. Your great-great-grandfather made one of the greatest discoveries in the history of mankind.
Agent Simmons: Fact is, you're looking at the source of the modern age. The microchip, lasers, cars, space flight: all reverse-engineered by studying him. NBE-1...
[glares at Sam]
Agent Simmons: That's what we call IT!
Keller: And you didn't think that the United States Military might need to know that you're keeping a hostile alien robot frozen in the basement?
Tom Banachek: Until these events we had no credible threats to national security.
Keller: Well, you got one now!
Sam Witwicky: No, no, no, no, no, no... Hey! That's my car!
[Sam grabs a cellphone and cycle and chases after his car]
Sam Witwicky: Hello? 911 emergency! My car's been stolen! I'm in pursuit! I need the whole squadron, bring everyone! No, no don't ask any questions, my father's the head of the neighbourhood watch!
Captain Witwicky: We'll get to the Arctic first, lads! No sacrifice, no victory!
Bobby Bolivia: [about the Camaro] I'll let you have it for $5,000.
Ron Witwicky: No, I'm not going above $4,000.
Bobby Bolivia: The door just closed.
[turns to Sam]
Bobby Bolivia: Get out of the car.
Sam Witwicky: Wait a minute? I thought you said "the car chooses its owner.",
Bobby Bolivia: Yeah, well sometimes they pick a driver with a cheap-ass father!
USAF Master Sgt. Epps: [radioing to a lone F-22 flying overhead] Raptor, Raptor do you copy? We have your visual. Green smoke is the mark. Provide air cover and vector Black Hawks for extraction.
[guided by the smoke, the F-22 heads for the group, but there's no answer... ]
Ironhide: [transforms] It's Starscream!
USAF Master Sgt. Epps: Please tell me you copy...
Ironhide: Back up! Take cover! Bumblebee...!
[With Bumblebee's help, Ironhide grabs a van and lift it up as a shield as the Raptor comes closer]
Captain Lennox: No, no, no, no... MOVE!
Ironhide: Back up! Back up!
Captain Lennox: RETREAT! FALL BACK!
[the Raptor strafes the ground, blowing up the truck and blasting everyone to the ground]
Captain Lennox: What the hell was that?
USAF Master Sgt. Epps: What are you talking about?
Captain Lennox: What do you mean, what am I talking about? They shot at us!
USAF Master Sgt. Epps: F-22 pilots would never fly below buildings! That's alien... that ain't friendly!
Captain Lennox: So why Earth?
Sam Witwicky: It's the All Spark.
Keller: All Spark? What is that?
Sam Witwicky: Well, they came here looking for some sort of cube-looking thing. Anyway, Mr. NBE-1 here, aka MEGATRON...
[glares at Simmons]
Sam Witwicky: That's what they call HIM... who's pretty much the harbinger of death, wants to use the cube to transform human technology to take over the universe. That's their plan.
Captain Lennox: Sam! Where's the Cube?
Sam Witwicky: Right there.
Captain Lennox: Okay. Epps, get those Black Hawks here!
[sees a building]
Captain Lennox: That building. Okay.
Sam Witwicky: What?
Captain Lennox: All right, I can't leave my guys back there, so here, take this flare.
[hands him the flare and the All Spark]
Captain Lennox: Okay, there's a tall, white building with statues on top. Go to the roof. Set the flare.
Sam Witwicky: No.
Captain Lennox: Signal the chopper and set the flare.
Sam Witwicky: No, no. I can't do this!
Captain Lennox: [grabs him] Listen to me! You're a soldier now! All right? I need you to take this Cube. Get it into military hands while we hold them off, or a lot of people are gonna die.
Captain Lennox: You got to go. You got to go.
Mikaela: No, I'm not leaving.
Captain Lennox: You need to go. Go.
Mikaela: No, I'm not leaving till I get Bumblebee out of here, okay?
USAF Master Sgt. Epps: [into radio] Army Black Hawk requested. Immediate evac for civilian boy with precious cargo. Headed to rooftop marked by flare.
Ironhide: Sam, we will protect you.
Sam Witwicky: [breathing heavily] Okay.
Bobby Bolivia: Hey Manny!
Bobby Bolivia: Get your cousin outta that clown costume. Havin' that heat stroke again. Scarin' white folks.
Clown: I'm hot! Makeup's melting, hurts my eyes!
Trent: Why doesn't my little bunny hop in the back seat?
Mikaela: God, I can't even tell you how much I'm not your little bunny.
Trent: [cocky] Okay. You'll call me.
Bumblebee: [through his radio] "Message from Starfleet, Captain... Let's get to it!"
Captain Lennox: He's right. If we stay here, we're screwed with Megatron in the other hanger. Mission City is 22 miles away. We're going to sneak that Cube out of here and hide it somewhere in the city.
Keller: Good, right!
Captain Lennox: But we cannot make a stand without the Air Force.
Keller: This place must have some sort of radio link.
Agent Simmons: Yes!
Keller: Shortwave, CV...
Agent Simmons: Right, yes!
Captain Lennox: [to Keller] Sir, you're going to have to find some way to get word out to them... Let's move!
Trent: So, what are you guys doing here?
Sam Witwicky: [looking at the tree Miles is climbing] We're here to climb this tree.
Sam Witwicky: [as a technician hoses down Bumblebee] Stop! You gotta stop! Stop! Stop! Let him go! Let him go!
[technicians stop, Bumblebee looks to Sam]
Sam Witwicky: Ya okay? They didn't hurt you, right?
[Bumblebee, wild with pain, draws his blaster, aiming at everyone]
Sam Witwicky: [calming both Bumblebee and the humans] Listen to me, the Cube is here, and the Decepticons are coming... No, no, don't worry about them, they're ok, right, they're not gonna hurt you... Just back up a little bit, he's friendly, he's fine... Ok, come on, put the guns down, they're not gonna hurt you. Come with me, we're gonna take you to the All Spark.
Sam Witwicky: [to a crippled Bumblebee] I'm not going to leave you!
Sam Witwicky: Where's my car?
Tom Banachek: Son, listen to me very carefully. People could die here. We need to know everything you know, and we need to know it right now.
Sam Witwicky: Okay... But first I'll take my car, my parents - maybe you should write that down. Oh, and her juvie record. That's gotta be gone. Like, forever.
Tom Banachek: [exhales] Come with me. We'll talk about your car.
Mikaela: [to Sam] Thank you.
Sam Witwicky: Sure.
Agent Simmons: [deep sigh] The man's an extortionist.
Cafe' kid 1: [using a video camera] Okay, this is you...
[a meteor crushes a store and he runs outside to look]
Cafe' kid 1: Wow! This is the coolest thing I've ever seen! Explosions everywhere! This is easily a hundred times cooler than Armageddon... I swear to God!
Mikaela: [after Sam has tripped on his mother's bike] That was, uh... that was really awesome.
Sam Witwicky: Felt awesome.
Mikaela: Are you okay?
Sam Witwicky: No, I'm not okay alright? I'm losin' my mind a little bit. Gettin' chased by my car right now, gotta go!
[Epps and Glen stare at the gashes in the All Spark chamber]
USAF Tech Sergeant Epps: What's that? Freddy Krueger been up in here or something?
Glen Whitmann: Oh, no, man. Freddy Krueger have four blades, man. That's only three. That's Wolverine!
[growls and laughs]
Glen Whitmann: Right? That's Wolverine!
Agent Simmons: [in a serious tone] That's very funny.
Frenzy: [cackling] Megatron, Megatron, Megatron!
[disrupts the NBE-1 equipment and checks a monitor]
Frenzy: Ooohh... Megatron melting!
Maggie Madsen: There's only one hacker in the world who can break this code...
Ironhide: Prime... we couldn't save him.
[hands him Jazz's remains]
Optimus Prime: Oh, Jazz... We lost a great comrade, but gained new ones. Thank you, all of you. You honor us with your bravery.
Frenzy: [his head sliced in half by his own disk] Oh, shit!
Starscream: This is Starscream: All Decepticons, mobilize.
Barricade: Barricade en-route...
Devastator: Devastator reporting...
Bonecrusher: Bonecrusher rolling...
Blackout: Blackout incoming... All hail Megatron!
Bobby Bolivia: A driver don't pick the cars. Mmm-mm. Cars pick the driver. It's a mystical bond between man and machine.
Optimus Prime: Are you Samuel James Witwicky, descendent of Archibald Witwicky?
Mikaela: They know your name!
Sam Witwicky: Yeah.
Optimus Prime: My name is Optimus Prime. We are Autonomous Robotic Organisms from the planet Cybertron.
Ratchet: But you can call us "Autobots", for short.
Glen's Cousin: [being chased by police] I'm just the cousin. I'M JUST THE COUSIN!
[Bumblebee gets his legs blown off by Starscream]
Sam Witwicky: You're gonna be okay... you're gonna be okay... RATCHET!
USAF Master Sgt. Epps: You been talkin' about barbecue gators and crickets for the last two weeks, I am NEVER goin' to your mama's house, Fig.
Captain Lennox: [fighting Devastator] Yeah, this isn't going well!
Frenzy: [chasing Sam, gets kicked] Aaaarrrggh! Where is it?
Keller: We're facing war against a technological civilization far superior to our own! Our enemy can take any shape! They could be anywhere!
Mikaela: Sam, wait! No matter what happens, I'm really glad I got in that car with you.
Mikaela: Remember those cars my dad used to teach me to fix? Well, they weren't always his.
Sam Witwicky: [to Mikaela] I was wondering if, if I could ride you home... I, I mean if I could give you a ride home!
Glen Whitmann: Okay, Maggie, look. Let me break it down to you, how it's gonna happen. They gonna come through that door, they're gonna play good cop, bad cop. Don't fall for that, alright?
[Maggie rubs her head]
Glen Whitmann: That's why I ate their food. See, they put the plate of donuts out here to test your guilt. If you don't touch it, you're guilty!
[exhibits empty plate]
Glen Whitmann: I ate the whole plate. The WHOLE plate. So, me and you: they walk through that door, you don't say nothing.
[Agents enter the room, and Glen is calm up to the point an agent places his briefcase on the table... ]
Glen Whitmann: [pointing to Maggie] It was her! She did it! She did it! She's the one you want!
Maggie Madsen: Glen!
Glen Whitmann: Don't talk to me! Don't talk to me criminal!
Glen Whitmann: Woah, sugar rush.
Bobby Bolivia: [pointing at himself] You come to see me?
Sam Witwicky: I had to.
Sam Witwicky: That practically makes us family. Uncle Bobbie B, baby, Uncle Bobbie B.
[smiles and shakes Sam's hand]
Ron Witwicky: [brandishing a bat, outside his son's door] 5... 4... It's comin' off the hinges, pal. 3... 2... stand back!
[as Ron gets ready to break the door down, Sam opens it]
Sam Witwicky: What's up?... What's with the bat?
Ron Witwicky: Who were you talking to?
Sam Witwicky: Talkin' to you!
Judy Witwicky: Why are you so sweaty and filthy?
Sam Witwicky: I'm a child, you know, I'm a teenager.
Judy Witwicky: They've got to get their hands off my bush!
Jazz: [jumping on Devastator] Come on, Decepticon punk!
Bobby Bolivia: Son, I'm a lot of things. A liar's not one of them. Especially not in front of my mammy. Hey, Mammy!
[Mammy gives him the middle finger]
Bobby Bolivia: Oh don't be like that! If I had a rock I'd bust your head bitch. I tell you man, she deaf. You know.
Cafe' kid 1: [looking at a crushed store] I sure hope this guy's got asteroid insurance, 'cause he is SO boned!
Ironhide: [drawing his guns] The parents are very irritating...
Ratchet: [trying to calm him] Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah...
Ironhide: Can I take them out?
Optimus Prime: Ironhide, you know we don't harm humans! What is with you?
Ironhide: Well, I'm just saying we could. It's an option.
Sam Witwicky: [in a used car showroom] You ever seen "The 40 Year Old Virgin"?
Ron Witwicky: Yeah...
Sam Witwicky: [points to a car] Well, you see this? This is the 40-year-old virgin...
[points to another car]
Sam Witwicky: And this is the 50-year-old virgin!
Sam Witwicky: [after the Autobots have ripped the top off the car] You A-holes are in trouble now. Gentlemen, I want to introduce you to my friend, Optimus Prime.
Optimus Prime: Taking the children was a BAD move! Autobots, relieve them of their weapons!
Sam Witwicky: [on phone about Bumblebee] Um yeah, Satan's Camaro? It's stalking me!
Glen: So I downloaded a couple thousand songs off the internet! Who hasn't? Who hasn't?
Agent Simmons: [holding up a badge] You see this? This is a "Do whatever I want and get away with it" badge!
Jazz: What's crackin' little bitches?
[does a somersault]
Optimus Prime: My first lieutenant. Designation: Jazz.
Jazz: This looks like a cool place to kick it!
Agent Simmons: She's a criminal. And criminals are HOT!
Sam Witwicky: [to five vehicles in his yard] This isn't hiding! That's my backyard, not a truckstop!
Optimus Prime: Our medical officer: Ratchet.
Ratchet: [sniffing] The boy's pheromone levels suggest he wants to mate with the female.
[Sam and Mikeala fidget embarassedly]
Sam Witwicky: [to Frenzy] Not so tough without a head, are ya?
[kicks Frenzy's head]
Sam Witwicky: So...
Maggie Madsen: What'd they get you for?
Sam Witwicky: I bought a car. Turned out to be an alien robot.
Glen: [whispered] Wow.
Sam Witwicky: Who knew?
Optimus Prime: [stepping on a fountain in the Witwicky's yard] Oops... Sorry, my bad.
USAF Staff Sergent: Sir, that tank thing's getting back up.
Captain Lennox: These things just don't die!
[hearing a helicopter, they turn and see Blackout land on a building behind them]
Captain Lennox: Oh, we're so dead.
Sam Witwicky: [checking out his car for the first time] Feels good.
Sam Witwicky: [speaking to Optimus Prime through his window] Okay, listen. You gotta listen to me! If my parents come out here and see you, they're going to freak. My mother's got a temper.
Bumblebee: [fully repaired] Permission to speak, sir?
Optimus Prime: Permission granted, old friend.
Sam Witwicky: You speak now?
Bumblebee: I wish to stay with the boy.
Optimus Prime: If that is his choice.
Sam Witwicky: Yes.
Megatron: [chasing Sam, flips a car out of his way] Give me that Cube, boy!
Megatron: [lunging at Sam] I'll kill you! Mine... All Spark!
Optimus Prime: Sam! Push the Cube into my chest, NOW!
Glen Whitmann: Get off my grandmama's carpet! She don't like nobody on the carpet! Especially police!
Sam Witwicky: ...and the compass makes uh... a great gift for Columbus Day...
USAF Tech Sergeant Epps: Lennox! The heat's coming!
Captain Lennox: Lase the target! We got a beam-rider incoming, lase the target!
Agent Simmons: [looks at a Nokia phone] Ooh. Nokias are real nasty. You've gotta respect the Japanese. They know the way of the samurai...
Maggie Madsen: Nokia's from Finland.
Keller: Yes, but he's, you know, a little strange. He's a little strange.
Bobby Bolivia: Let me tell you something, Sam.Your first enchilada of freedom awaits under one of those hoods.
The President: Yeah, could you wrangle me up some Ding-Dongs, darlin'?
Sam Witwicky: This... I can't do it anymore. You're putting girl jewelry on a boy dog.
Judy Witwicky: What?
Sam Witwicky: He's got enough self-esteem issues being a Chihuahua, Mom.
Judy Witwicky: That's his bling!
Agent Simmons: [staring at Optimus Prime] Hi, there.
Optimus Prime: You don't seem afraid. Are you not surprised to see us?
Agent Simmons: Look, there are certain rules I have to abide by. I'm not authorized to communicate with you except... to say I can't communicate with you...
Optimus Prime: Get out of the car.
Agent Simmons: Right. Uh, me? You want me to...?
Optimus Prime: Now!
Jazz: What about Bumblebee? We can't just leave him to die and become some human experiment!
Optimus Prime: He'll die in vain if we don't accomplish our mission. Bumblebee is a brave soldier. This is what he would want.
Agent Simmons: I'm gonna lock you up forever!
Mikaela: [to Sam] Oh God, you know what? Don't listen to him, he's just pissy because he has to get back to guarding the mall.
Agent Simmons: You in the training bra, do not test me!
[Keller enters the FBI interrogation room]
Maggie Madsen: What's going on?
Keller: You're coming with me. You're going to be my advisor.
Glen Whitmann: Me, too?
Keller: Who's this?
Maggie Madsen: He's... MY advisor.
Keller: He comes too.
[after her call with her husband was cut off, Sarah watches in horror as the news reports on the base attack]
Keller: [on TV] At this time, we are unable to confirm whether there were any survivors...
Sarah Lennox: Oh, my God.
Keller: We are dealing with a highly effective weapons system, one that we have not come across before. But our thoughts and prayers are with those men who...
[Sarah's baby daughter starts crying, and she turns to her, wiping away her own tears]
Sarah Lennox: Daddy's gonna be okay, honey, I promise...
[Lennox urgently calls on a cell phone as his men fight Scorponok]
Captain Lennox: This is an emergency Pentagon call! The Pentagon, do you understand-?
[the window behind him explodes]
Captain Lennox: I DON'T HAVE A CREDIT CARD!
International Operator: [bored] Sir, the attitude is not going to speed things up any bit at all. I'm going to ask you to speak very clearly into the mouthpiece...
Captain Lennox: I'm in the middle of a war! This is friggin' ridiculous!
[trying to escape Barricade, Sam tackles Mikaela off her bike]
Mikaela: What is your problem, Sam?
Sam Witwicky: Okay, there's a monster, it just attacked me!
[Barricade stomps after them]
Sam Witwicky: Here it comes!
Sam Witwicky: I'm cool with, you know, females working on my engine. I prefer it, actually.
Sam Witwicky: [upon seeing his car transform, he hides and starts making a video last testament with his phone] My name is Sam Witwicky. Whoever finds this, my car is alive, okay?
[holds up phone]
Sam Witwicky: You saw that, since this is my last words on Earth, I just wanna say, Mom, Dad, I love you and if you find "Busty Beauties" under my bed, it wasn't mine. I'm holding it for Miles. No, No, wait that... Okay, that's not true. It's mine and Uncle Charles gave it to me. I'm sorry. Mojo, I love you.
Judy Witwicky: Please for the love of God drive safely!
[Sam drives away with the Camaro in a massive cloud of black exhaust]
Judy Witwicky: Wow. You are so cheap.
Ron Witwicky: Well, it's his first car... supposed to be like that.
[inside Sector Seven, the lights suddenly dim... ]
Keller: Gentlemen, they know the Cube is here.
Maggie Madsen: Sir, they hacked your firewall in ten seconds! Even a supercomputer, with a brute force attack, would take ten years to do that.
Admiral Brigham: Maybe you can explain why our enemies are doubling their armed forces...
Maggie Madsen: Maybe it's a precaution, because isn't that what we're doing? The signal pattern is learning, it's EVOLVING on its own, and you need to move past Fourier transforms and start thinking quantum mechanics...
Admiral Brigham: [with unintentional irony] There is nothing on Earth that complex!
Maggie Madsen: How about an organism, a living organism? Or some sort of DNA-based computer? I know that sounds crazy, but...
Keller: All right, all right, that's enough! Listen, we've got NSA specialists working downstairs. If you can come up with anything to substantiate your theory, we're prepared to listen. But if you don't get a filter on that brain-mouth thing, you're gonna be off the team. Understand?
Agent Simmons: Yes, sir?
Keller: I'd do what he says. Losing's really not an option for these guys.
Agent Simmons: All right, okay! Hey, you want to lay the fate of the world on the kid's Camaro? That's cool.
Keller: Gentlemen, it is the direct order of the President that Sector Seven be terminated, and the remains of the dead aliens be disposed of. The Laurentian Abyss is seven miles below sea level. Deepest place on the planet. The aliens will be deposited there, where the intense pressure coupled with sub-zero temperatures will crush and entomb them... leaving no evidence.
[Simmons, Keller, Maggie and Glenn test a radio to see if it still operates]
Agent Simmons: [finding success] We're hot! We're live!
Glen Whitmann: Where are the mics?
Agent Simmons: [freezes] ... Mics?
Glen Whitmann: This doesn't work without mics, Simmons!
Agent Simmons: No, no, no, no, no!
Mikaela: You got a high rise double pump carburetor. That's... that's pretty impressive, Sam.
Sam Witwicky: Double pump?
Mikaela: It squirts the fuel in so you can go faster.
Sam Witwicky: Oh... I like to go faster.
Judy Witwicky: You know, I think that if there really was some kind of... alien infestation... the Government would be the first to tell us.
Ron Witwicky: [fondling Mojo] Yeah... I mean, this is America.
Judy Witwicky: Yeah, that's how we know we're in a free country. There's no secrets. They'd say "Hey! Duck and cover!"
Agent Simmons: [to the Special Ops team] All right, you've all had direct contact with the NBEs...
Captain Lennox: NBEs?
Agent Simmons: Non-Biological Extraterrestrials. Try to keep up with the acronyms.
ACWO Jorge "Fig" Figueroa: My mother, she had the gift. You know, she saw things. Now I got the gene. That thing at the base, I got a feeling it ain't over.
First Sergeant Donnelly: Why don't you those magic voodoo powers of yours and get us the hell out of here, huh?
[Captain Witwicky falls into an underground cavern]
Captain Witwicky: [calling his crew] I'm all right, lads...!
[He looks around and discovers an incredible statue frozen into the cavern]
Captain Witwicky: Men! We've made a discovery!
[Sam runs to the top of a skyscraper and prepares to hand over the Cube to a waiting helicopter... ]
Sam Witwicky: [spotting Starscream] WATCH OUT!
[Starscream fires at the copter, incapacitating it]
Sam Witwicky: Oh my God... Where do I go?
Optimus Prime: [hurrying across rooftops] Hang on, Sam!
[With a crash, Megatron rises from below; frightened, Sam clings to a statue at the edge of the building]
Megatron: Is it fear or courage that compels you, fleshling?
Sam Witwicky: [terrified] Oh no! No!
Megatron: Give me the All Spark, and you may live to be my pet.
Sam Witwicky: [still making a stand] I'm never giving you this All Spark!
Megatron: Oh, so unwise...
[With a roar, he pulls out a flail from his arm and smashes the rooftop, sending a screaming Sam plummeting towards the ground... ]
Optimus Prime: [grabbing Sam] I got you, boy! Hold on to the Cube!
[Prime leaps down, but Megatron grabs him, and all three tumble down into the street]
[Bumblebee fires a shot straight into Devastator's chest]
Mikaela: Nice shot!
Optimus Prime: You already know your guardian: Bumblebee.
Bumblebee: [does a little dance] "Check on the rep, yep! / Second to none!"
Ron Witwicky: You're not taking my son.
Agent Simmons: Really? You gonna get rough with us?
Ron Witwicky: No, but I'm gonna call the cops because there's something fishy going on around here.
Agent Simmons: Yeah. There's something a little fishy about you, your son, your little Taco Bell dog and this whole operation you got going on here.
Ron Witwicky: What operation?
Agent Simmons: That is what we are gonna find out.
Boy in Car: [watching two robots fight above him] Cool, Mom!
Mikaela: You know what I don't understand?
Sam Witwicky: What?
Mikaela: If he's like, this super-advanced robot, why does he transform into this piece-of-crap Camaro?
Mr. Hosney: Okay. Might be a pop quiz tomorrow, might not. Sleep in fear tonight.
Captain Lennox: Sarah, if you can hear me, I love you and I'm gonna be home soon, okay?
Captain Lennox: No friggin' way that thing's still not down...
Bumblebee: [slams to a halt on the road] "Move it, yah moron!"
Ratchet: I sense the Decepticons are getting ready to mobilize...
[Ron Witwicky walks towards a window]
Optimus Prime: Quick, hide!
Ratchet: Hide? Where?
[the Autobots manage to get out of sight just as Ron looks outside]
Ron Witwicky: Oh, no... look at the yard! The yard is destroyed! There's sparks flying all over the place... Judy, you better call the City, looks like they got a blown transformer! What a waste... Trashed! Gone!
[appalled, he moves away]
USAF Master Sgt. Epps: They bombed the antenna farm! We're under attack!
USAF Master Sgt. Epps: [nearly impaled by Scorponok's tail] I thought you said that thing was dead, man!
Captain Lennox: This thing is wicked!
[Bumblebee pours oil over Agent Simmons]
Agent Simmons: HEY! HEEYYY!
Optimus Prime: Bumblebee, stop lubricating the man!
Agent Simmons: GET THAT THING TO STOP, HUH?
USAF Master Sgt. Epps: We got friendlies mixed with baddies. This is gonna be WILD...
USAF Master Sgt. Epps: [playing basketball] Check out this crossover, like Jordan in his prime going through the front line...!
Agent Simmons: Get out of the way, get out of the way!
[raises a flamethrower and torches Frenzy]
Agent Simmons: BURN, YOU LITTLE SUCKER, BURN!
Judy Witwicky: Sam, we heard you talking to someone...
Sam Witwicky: Mom, I...
[Sam's parents fall silent and stare at Mikaela]
Mikaela: Hi, I'm Mikaela. I'm a... I'm a friend of Sam's.
[Judy starts giggling and chucks Sam on the shoulder]
Judy Witwicky: Gosh, you're gorgeous!
[turns to Ron]
Judy Witwicky: Isn't that the prettiest girl?
Sam Witwicky: She can hear you talking, Mom.
Captain Lennox: [points a gun at Simmons] Take him to his car!
[a standoff ensues between the Special Forces and Sector 7]
Tom Banachek: Whoa whoa whoa...
Agent Simmons: Drop your weapon, solider. There's an alien war going on and you're gonna shot me?
Captain Lennox: You know, we didn't ask to be here.
Agent Simmons: I'm ordering you under S-Seven executive jurisdiction...
USAF Tech Sergeant Epps: S-7 don't exist!
Captain Lennox: Right, and we don't take orders from people that don't exist.
Agent Simmons: I'm gonna count to five, okay...
Captain Lennox: Well, I'm gonna count to three.
[cocks his gun]
Bumblebee: [through his radio] ..."greater than man..."
[activates a pulse that shatters glass around him]
[addressing an assembly of signal analysts]
Keller: Please be seated... I'm John Keller. Obviously you're all wondering why you're here, so these are the facts: At 17:00 hours GMT yesterday a SOCCENT airbase in Qatar was attacked. So far as we know, there were no survivors. The purpose of the attack was to hack our military network; we don't know what they were looking for, but they were cut off during the assault, which leads us to assume they're going to try it again. Now, no one's taken responsibility for the attack. And the only lead we have is this sound...
[plays a recording of a signal]
Keller: That's the signal that hacked our network. NASA's working around the clock to break it but we need YOUR help in deciphering this signal. You've all shown technical skill in the field of signal analysis. We're on a hair trigger, people, the United States has dispatched an armed force to its full capacity. This is as real as it's going to get. I'm going to leave you to the officer to sort you all into groups. Good luck to us all.
Glen Whitmann: Maggie? No! This is my private area, my place of Zen and peace.
[Glenn's grandmother yells at him]
Glen Whitmann: SHUT UP, GRANDMA!
[Barricade ejects Frenzy to capture Sam]
Frenzy: Surprise, Witwicky!
[Starscream arrives at Hoover Dam]
Starscream: Go, go, go!
International Operator: [on the phone] Also sir have you heard about our world-class premium package...?
Captain Lennox: [fighting Scorponok] NO I DON'T WANT A PREMIUM PACKAGE!
Maggie Madsen: You have to let me talk to Keller before you go to war with the wrong country!
Sam Witwicky: What is Sector 7? Answer me!
Agent Simmons: I ask the questions round here, not you, young man!
Mikaela: All right, how did you know about the aliens?
Sam Witwicky: Where did you take my parents?
Agent Simmons: I am not at liberty to discuss...
[Sam snatches his badge away]
Agent Simmons: Hey, you touch me, that's a federal offense!
Sam Witwicky: [holding it up] "Do whatever you want and get away with it" badge, right?
Agent Simmons: Brave now, all of a sudden with his big alien friends standing over there.
Tom Banachek: Follow me. You're about to see our crown jewel...
[Everyone enters the All Spark Chamber]
Tom Banachek: The First Seven came upon the Cube. We knew it was extraterrestrial because the symbols on its surface matched those on NBE-1. The Dam was built around it in 1935 to mask its signal. Four walls of concrete, as thick as four football fields, enable the Cube to avoid being detected by any humans, or any aliens from outside...
[Frenzy comes across the Cube, whose energy boosts and repairs him]
Frenzy: All Spark located!
Captain Lennox: [to his wife Sarah] You know, honey, we made a really great kid. I know a lot of people say that a lot, but this is OUR kid, and she's wonderful.
Mikaela: [to Sam] You are the strangest boy I have ever met!
[Sam makes Mikaela talk to his mother]
Mikaela: [to Sam, smiling] Your mom's really nice.
Captain Lennox: Fig, how many times must I tell you? None of us here speak Spanish!
ACWO Jorge "Fig" Figueroa: What's your problem, man?
[slips into Spanish]
ACWO Jorge "Fig" Figueroa: You're always annoying me with the same old sh...
[a water tower falls over]
First Sergeant Donnelly: What the heck was that?
ACWO Jorge "Fig" Figueroa: [in Spanish] What the hell do you mean, what was that? That tower fell over and almost killed me! If that thing had come any closer, it would've broken my ass!
First Sergeant Donnelly: [amused, not understanding a word] English, dude, English...
Sam Witwicky: You're not gonna get me! You're not gonna get me!
[runs into a building; moments later, Magatron smashes through a window]
Megatron: I smell you, boy...!
[senses Sam on the floor above him and bursts through, narrowly missing Sam]
Sam Witwicky: [presenting his assignment] So, for my genealogy report, I decided to write on my great-great-grandfather, Captain Archibald Witwicky, who was a famous man. He was a polar explorer; in fact, he was one of the first men to visit the Arctic Circle, which is a big deal. In 1897 he took 41 brave explorers with him to the Arctic Shelf. That's the story. Unfortunately my great-grandfather, the genius that he is, went blind and crazy - he spent the rest of his life in a psycho ward, drawing these strange symbols and babbling about some Iceman he'd discovered...
[about the SOCCENT attack]
USAF Master Sgt. Epps: When I took that picture, I think it saw me. It looked right at me.
Maggie Madsen: Glen, seriously, don't you want to see something classified?
Glen Whitmann: ...how classified?
Maggie Madsen: Like "I will go to jail for the rest of my life for showing you" classified.
Glen Whitmann: Oh yes! Yes! Yes!
[Sam wistfully watches Mikaela walk away]
Bumblebee: [turning his radio on] "Who's gonna drive you home?"
Miles: Hey, man, what's wrong with your radio?
Sam Witwicky: I am.
Sam Witwicky: I'm gonna drive her home!
Miles: What? She's an evil jock concubine, man, let her hitchike!
Sam Witwicky: She lives ten miles away, all right? It's my only chance! Get out of the car!
[Sam gives Mikaela a ride home]
Mikaela: [looking out the window] I can't believe that I'm here right now.
Sam Witwicky: You can duck down if you want. I mean, it won't hurt my feelings.
Mikaela: Oh, no no no. I didn't mean here with you. I just meant here, like, in this situation. The same situation that I'm always in. 'Cause, I don't know, I guess I just have a weakness for hot guys, for tight abs and really big arms.
Sam Witwicky: Big arms?
Sam Witwicky: Well, there's a couple new additions in the car. Like, I just put that light there...
[points back, and flexes his arm muscle]
Sam Witwicky: ...and that disco ball...
[he turns his hand forward, still flexing]
Sam Witwicky: ...and so the light reflects off the disco ball.
[points back and forth, flexing his arm all the while]
Enlisted Aide: I joined the Air Force to bring The Man Ding-Dongs...
Optimus Prime: Autobots, recon...
[the Autobots slip into the Witwicky's yard]
[watching the news broadcast of meteor crashes]
Judy Witwicky: What did he say?
Ron Witwicky: What?
Judy Witwicky: What did Jack say? Did he see it?
Ron Witwicky: Yeah he saw it. He thinks it's a military experiment.
Judy Witwicky: What a knucklehead.
Ron Witwicky: Yeah. I told him it was a plane.