Memorable quotes for
"The Venture Bros." (2003) More at IMDbPro »

Baron Ünderbheit: Catclops! What have you to report?
Catclops: Tourism has skyrocketed at the Well of Bitter Sorrows and the Ünderbheit Birth Crevasse since you enacted the mandatory attendance edict.
Baron Ünderbheit: Told you. Girl Hitler?
Girl Hitler: Benzene chewables have doubled production in ze child slave mines. Dilly-dallying saw a brief spike, but ve stabilized it by removing ze feet of the alpha males, UND DE POPULAR GIRLS!
Baron Ünderbheit: Good! Good!

---

[Baron Ünderbheit offers a "parting gift" to his traitorous minions]
Catclops: Tiger balm. I don't get it.
Girl Hitler: Oh, maybe he's saying he's sore at us, and so he's giving us balm to soothe.
Catclops: That's retarded. Sir, what exactl...?
[Baron Ünderbheit is nowhere to be seen. ]
Catclops: Where'd he go? I knew it, I knew it! He's gonna kill us, isn't he?
[Tigers emerge from the walls and attack the minions]
Catclops: Aw, crap!
Manservant: [outside in the hall] Shall I have the maintenance crew clean the room, my master?
Baron Ünderbheit: No, not yet, Manservant.
[the Baron presses a remote control, activating a device strapped to the tigers]
Girl Hitler: Ohhhh. Tiger *bomb!*

---

Pirate Captain: Sit on my lap, son. It's story time
Dean Venture: I don't want to sit in your lap!
Pirate Captain: Fine! Don't!

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Dean Venture, Hank Venture: GO TEAM VENTURE!
Brock Samson: ...I dunno, they just do that.

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Dr. Venture: Oh, you don't know when to stop with all this, do you? You just keep pushing my buttons!
The Monarch: You're my arch-enemy! That's what I do! That's my thing!

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[opening a bathroom door, hovering above the ground, with dramatic music playing]
Dr. Byron Orpheus: Do not be too hasty in entering that room. I had Taco Bell for lunch!

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Henchman 21: Here is where you are wrong, my friend. This woman has killed before.
Henchman 24: Allegedly.
Henchman 21: Okay, whatever. But she was a big girl. We are talking about a large, healthy woman of questionable stability.
Henchman 24: Oh, you are totally underestimating the never-say-die scrappiness of a survivor.
The Monarch: Hey, guess what? Nobody cares who would win in a crazy fantasy fist-fight between Anne Frank and Lizzie Borden. We never should have brought the henchmen. We're going to be the only ones there with henchmen!

---

Brock Samson: You did this! You did this, didn't you? RRRAH!
Baron Ünderbheit: As usual, your detective skills are impeccable, Samson. You have succeeded in exposing my sinister plan to lock myself in a dungeon, chained to an albino.

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Triana Orpheus: Dad, I can take care of myself, you know.
Dr. Byron Orpheus: I'm sorry, pumpkin. I trust you to defend your honor. It's just that... MY PUMPKIN'S MAIDENHEAD IS NOT A PRIZE TO BE...
Triana Orpheus: DAD!

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Dean Venture: Good thinking, bro'a'mine. And I thought I was supposed to be the smart one
Hank Venture: Ma Venture didn't raise no fools
Dean Venture: W-We don't have a mom, Hank...
[awkward silence]

---

The Monarch: I wanted to thank you for finding Grover Cleveland's presidential time machine for me. I'll give him your regards.

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[the Monarch has Brock Sampson right where he wants him]
The Monarch: Release the butterflies.
[Dead butterflies fall on Brock]
The Monarch: Okay, whose job was it to feed the butterflies?

---

[Brock Samson has torn off an animated statue's arm and is now beating him with it]
Hank Venture: Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!

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Brock Samson: After the twist, you'll feel a snap and the body goes ragdoll on you.
Hank Venture: And that will knock him out... even more?
Brock Samson: That will kill him.
Hank Venture: Do I have to?
Brock Samson: Alright, fine crybaby. Tie him up and, I guess, gag him. But at the first sign of trouble I want you to at least break both his knees.

---

Dr. Girlfriend: Killing your arch-enemy on Christmas Eve - that's a gift for me?
The Monarch: Well, I got you some stocking-stuffers too...

---

Henchman 24: Come on! They have one female servicing a large group of males. That implies a species that lays eggs.
Henchman 21: Oh my God, you're crazy! They're so obviously mammals!
Henchman 24: Please! She'd be in estrus 24/7 if she didn't lay eggs.
Henchman 21: Smurfs don't lay eggs! I won't tell you this again! Papa Smurf has a fucking beard! They're mammals!

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Dr. Venture: Dean! Have you been shooting dope into your scrotum? You can tell me! I'm hip!

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Dean Venture: Hank! I had my pubes shaved. I'm gonna put them under the pillow for the tooth fairy!
Hank Venture: Did the doctor see that creepy dog dork of yours?
Dr. Venture: Hank, don't brag to your brother about your circumcision.

---

Brock Samson: Don't you have nothing else to do but harp on Dr. Venture? Why haven't you tried the World Domination thing, you afraid of the big leagues?
The Monarch: Please. How stupid do I look to you? World Domination. I'll leave that to the religious nuts or the Republicans, thank you.

---

Dr. Venture: Why is it every time I need to get somewhere, we get waylaid by jackassery?

---

Brock Samson: Now, Hank, touch your throat. That tube you feel is your trachea. Think of it as your handle. That thing your thumb is on is your carotid artery. Think of it as your button. I want you to grab the handle, push the button. Can you repeat that, Hank?
Hank Venture: [gasping] Grab the handle, push the button.
Brock Samson: Let go of your own throat, Hank.

---

The Monarch: What? Think this is gay huh? Is that what you fucking said you scrawny peice of shit? Oh this isn't gay. But King Gorilla over there is! And I bet he can't wait to snap off a peice of your dick in his ass!
[points to Dean]
The Monarch: You! Get up! I said get the fuck up! What's your name?
Dean Venture: Dean Ven...
The Monarch: [shouts] Your name is bitch! And I own you. You're property! And when I'm tired of having sex with every hole God drilled in your slender frame... King Gorilla! You got a cigerette?
[King Gorilla hands him one]
The Monarch: There! I just sold you for a cigarette! And I don't smoke!
[realizes who Dean is]
The Monarch: Holy shit! You're Dean-Fucking-Venture! King, I've gotta buy my bitch back. Here's your cigarette.
King Gorilla: Fuck you. Gimme a dollar!

---

Executioner: Give me the Hand of Osiris!
Dr. Venture: Give me head.
Executioner: You didn't just say that.
Dr. Venture: I absolutely did, what are you gonna do about it?
Executioner: I'm about to kill your sons.
Dr. Venture: Join the club.

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Dr. Venture: Dean, you smell like a whore

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Hank Venture: Dean, Dean, sometimes I forget your younger than me.
Dean Venture: By a lousy four minutes!
Hank Venture: Well then maybe in four minutes you'll understand!

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