Robby: Say, "You poop into my butt hole and I poop into your butt hole... back and forth... forever."
Christine Jesperson: [seeing his bandage] Whoa, what happened?
Richard Swersey: You want the short version or the long one?
Christine Jesperson: The long one.
Richard Swersey: I tried to save my life but it didn't work.
Christine Jesperson: Wow. What's the short one?
Richard Swersey: I burned it.
Christine Jesperson: If you really love me, let's make a vow - right here, together... right now.
Christine Jesperson: [making both sides of the conversation between her and an imaginary lover]
- If you really love me, then let's make a vow. Right here... together... right now. Ok ? - Ok... - All right, repeat after me... I'm gonna be free. - I'm gonna be free. - And I'm gonna be brave... - I'm gonna be brave. - Good... I'm gonna live each day as if it were my last. - Oh that's good... - You like that ? - Yeah... - Say it. - I'm gonna live each day as it were my last... - Fantastically... - Fantastically. - Courageously... - Courageously. - With grace... - With grace. - And in the dark of the night ,and it does get dark, when I call a name... - When I call a name... - It' ll be your name... What's your name ?
Christine Jesperson: Nevermind... let's go... say it. - Let's go... - Everywhere... - Everywhere... - Even though... - Even though... - We're scared... - We're scared... - Cause it's life... - It's life... - and it's happening, it's really really happening... RIGHT NOW...
Michael: Ellen broke up with me.
Christine Jesperson: What? Why?
Michael: She thinks she's gonna die this week.
Christine Jesperson: No. Out of everyone at Saint Tod, she is the least likely person to die.
Michael: Well, she's usually right. She's been right about everyone else. I lived a whole life with a woman I didn't even really like. We traveled all over the world together. And Ellen and I never even left the grounds.
Christine Jesperson: Well, actually I took you to the IMAX that one time.
Michael: Yeah, but I wanted to take her to the Mayan ruins in Guatemala. She really wanted to see those.
Christine Jesperson: Yeah, that just seems weird that she wouldn't want to be with you- you know, if - her time was coming.
Michael: I've long since stopped trying to make people - do things they don't want to do.
Christine Jesperson: But she's the love of your life. You're just gonna let her go?
Michael: No. She's just - Going.
Richard Swersey: Yeah, the "Ice Land" sign is halfway. It's the halfway point.
Christine Jesperson: Ice Land is - It's kind of like that point in a relationship, you know, where you suddenly realize it's not going to last forever. You know, you can see the end in sight. Tyrone Street.
Richard Swersey: Yeah, but we're not even there yet. We're still at the good part. We're not even sick of each other yet.
Christine Jesperson: I'm not sick of you at all.
Untitled: Are you touching yourself?
NightWarrior: [looks down at fingertips touching on edge of desk] Yes.
Richard Swersey: I don't want to have to do this living. I just walk around. I want to be swept off my feet, you know? I want my children to have magical powers. I am prepared for amazing things to happen. I can handle it.
Richard Swersey: You know some kids don't even have one home and now you get to have two. Think about that.
Richard Swersey: We will never touch your foot with our hands. Now i'll tell you what I can do, I can press on the shoe to see if it fits. I can go like this.
[presses the toe of the shoe]
Christine Jesperson: We have a whole life to live together you fucker, but it can't start until you call.
Christine Jesperson: I mean, they kind of rub my ankles, but all shoes does that. I have low ankles.
Richard Swersey: You think you deserve that pain, but you don't.
Christine Jesperson: I don't think I deserve it.
Richard Swersey: Well, not consciously maybe.
Christine Jesperson: My ankles are just low...
Richard Swersey: People think that foot pain is a fact of life, but life is actually better than that.
Michael: I'll say. You should get some. Your whole life could be better. Just starting right now.
Christine Jesperson: Call me, if you ever feel too old to drive.
Andrew: I would love to believe in a universe where you wake up and don't have to to go to work and you step outside and meet two beautiful 18-year-old sister who are also girlfriends and are also very nice people.
Sylvie: You want to be a little bird and get a little worm? Just lie down and peep.
Robby: Peep, peep, peep.
Christine Jesperson: Fuck! Fuck you! Fuck me! Fuck old people! Fuck children! Fuck peace! Fuck peace...
Richard Swersey: [after taking off the bandage from his hand] It needs air. It needs to do some living. Let's take my hand for a walk.
Andrew: Dude, did you just give her the family discount?
Richard Swersey: Yeah. She's my neighbor, and I'm trying to work on my karma. Do you know what karma means?
Richard Swersey: It means that she owes me one.
Michael: I just wish I had met her 50 years sooner.
Christine Jesperson: Yeah.
Michael: But then maybe I needed 70 years of life to be ready for a woman like Ellen.
Heather: But this is better 'cause it won't matter if we mess up. And we'll be together.
Peter Swersey: So, do you have anything new in the chest? You know, the hope chest.
Housewares Saleswoman: I think everything's gonna be computerized in twenty years.
Sylvie: Soup won't be computerized.
Housewares Saleswoman: Why not?
Sylvie: It's a liquid.
Peter Swersey: I'd live up there if I could, if there was no gravity
Sylvie: Yeah, but if you lived up there, all the stuff in my room would fall on you and crush you and you'd die
Christine Jesperson: But she's the love of your life, You're just going to let her go?
Michael: No, she's just going...
Robby: Mom says we have a chore wheel.
Richard Swersey: What?
Peter Swersey: Nothing.
Robby: A chore wheel. You put chores on it and then you can spin it. There's this metal thing and it helps it to spin. It's spinning from the metal.
Sylvie's Mom: Kids are so adaptable.
Sylvie: Am I adaptable?
Sylvie's Mom: Yes.
Richard Swersey: Yes, well, they have absolutely no control over their lives, so... But if things were reversed - you know, like that movie Freaky Friday - you can be sure Pam and I would be sent to our rooms for all our Friday. Yes, they would give us a time-out and tell us we could not come out until we had really thought about what we had done.
[pause. Very soberly]
Richard Swersey: What have we done?
Richard Swersey: But... there are no time-outs, there's not enough time for... time-out.
Richard Swersey: In some cultures, when you burn yourself, it's a ceremony. It's called self-immolation! My uncle used to do it all the time. It was a great trick! He'd put the stuff on it, light it, and it would just go out when he went like this.
[moves bandaged hand back and forth]
Richard Swersey: After I lit it, I suddenly remembered: It's alcohol that burns, but doesn't burn up. Lighter fluid just burns... and then I thought, "It's okay. It's better this way."
Richard Swersey: [carrying bowls of cereal] I thought we'd have breakfast for dinner. And then maybe sometime we'll have dinner for breakfast. Just to mix things up a little.
Heather: Hey Peter, Peter Swersey! We're going to give you a... Jimmy ha ha.
Rebecca: Do you know what that is?
Peter Swersey: Yeah.
Heather: No you don't 'cause I just made it up.
Michael: So tell Ellen about the shoe guy. Did you go back to the store?
Christine Jesperson: Yeah. And turns out he's a killer of children.
Christine Jesperson: So, oh well.
Richard Swersey: When me and Pam were first in love, we hated to be apart even for an hour.
Andrew: Oh yeah, I had something like that once. A real fuck-athon.
Richard Swersey: No, we just slept. We loved to sleep when it was time to sleep. Not sex- we had sex, but what we really loved was to sleep like babies all day long.
Andrew: That sounds perfect.