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The credits say it all...3 secs in and you know it's gonna be
There are a few things that must be in a film for it to be B-Grade and Boa VS Python has em all!!!!
1 ) Unnessesary nudity (cause low paid actors will do anything to get a gig). Not only do we get to see the naked chick bathe but she also rubs herself down with a sponge really really slowly!
2 ) The group of mis-matched characters that would never be seen together ever but somehow manage to end up stuck in impossible situations. In this movie we have a safari hunting team that more closely resembles the Village Ppl!
3 ) Sex Scene. Boy goes down on girl, snake eats boy, snake goes down on girl.......oh yeah!
4 ) Clichés. i like the dumb ass deputy tripping into the bloody corpse head-first in front of the over-dramatic FBI agent.
5 ) super cool special effects*
6 ) bad plot (wild snake free in city, so lets send a bred-in-captivity snake with a camera on its head to catch it)
7 ) worse script ("should i tag this as body #6?" "i think it's the rest of bodies 1, 2, 3, 4 and 5")
8 ) and even worse actors.
i loved it! b-grade value of 4/5
PS...get a load of the DVD cover (there is no chopper in the movie at all so don't get your hopes up with the chopper shooting two missiles at a couple of giant snakes in the middle of the city.....which is not where the movie is set)
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
A few things I learned from Boa vs Python:
1. When you get your women naked right off the top (and what good film maker wouldn't)... make sure that they scrub down with dish soap and a plain orange sponge in as sexy as way as humanly possible.
2. To show tension in a forest scene when a large, unseen predator is disturbing the local animal life: Go to your local pet store and folly in the sound of budgies squawking. This will REALLY pull off the effect that something ain't right in them woods!!! Besides, most woods outside Philly are CRAWLING with budgies. Or was it Pittsburg? Okay... if it was Pittsburg... my mistake. Those woods are rampant with pets.
2a. Garter Snakes squeak when you chuck 'em around. Bet you didn't know that, all you Animal Planet loving people, did you! Don't let small things like facts get in the way of the action.
2c. People who work with dolphins, spend time with dolphins, all that jazz... you know... animal people... the first thing they'll do when they encounter a snake in a glass tank is, pretty obviously, start rapping on the glass. That stuff you hear about "never knock on the glass" when you're a pet stores and zoos... well, they're making that up. It NEVER startles or deafens the animals. That's why people in movies who are supposed to be in the field of zoology do it. They know that it's a made-up rule of thumb. And it's a good set-up to a damn funny joke.
3. Even multi-millionaires who hunt ridiculously large animals for sport have their problems. For example: When transporting said large animals, rent a truck to do it in. Because when you have your own jet (with a BATHTUB!!!) you probably don't own trucks. Make sure that you get the truck with the modified ridiculously large animal transport container.
3a. When the ridiculously large animal escapes (and how could it not???) show the human side of your millionaire by having a customer service rep from the trucking company CALL your millionaire to inform him of the problem. When your millionaire demands answers, have the CSR tell him that she'll have to get her supervisor. Hey... when you're globe-trotting on your own jet, you DO make all these arrangements yourself with your local truck rental dealer.
4. Get in touch with those emotional back-stories with lines to the effect of: "Gee, to try and find a cure for snake poison... you must have some incredible psychological reason for doing that!" Really, the audience will thank you for getting straight to the exposition.
5. It doesn't matter that the two "teens" who are making out in a car look like a mother and son making out in a car. No one will notice! Besides, they're just snake fodder anyway! Gee... there must be some deep seated Freudian reason for this... Cue exposition.
6. SAVE MONEY ON CGI. All you have to do is "suggest" that a large snake is roaming around peoples feet by showing them "reacting" to it. So what if sometimes you show a scene where a snake SHOULD be and isn't. As long as you have actors to act like one is there, the audience will fill in the blank.
7. People don't need to see some actors faces. Especially when they're minor characters... like second in command of an elite group of FBI agents. Minor character... handful of lines... have her deliver them AWAY from the camera. That way we really connect! And it saves time with the ADR.
8. Always... ALWAYS... end your movie in a subway station. Even if you have to jump from a rave DIRECTLY AND WITH SOME SORT OF MAGIC to the subway station... ALWAYS end it there...
9. Be sure to set up for the sequel! Don't be too obvious. Make sure you give them special, fancy, snake fighting clothes! It looks tres cool.
10. On the cover of the DVD... ALWAYS, and I mean always... show a helicopter firing missiles at two large, fighting snakes. It doesn't matter if your movie has nothing like that in there. The cover for Citizen Kane shows a guy making a speech or something... and I'm pretty sure that's not in there... oh wait... it is??? F@CK!
So... all in all... I actually recommend seeing this movie. In the right setting, you'll laugh your arse sore. Just keep in mind that if this was SUPPOSED to be a comedy... or if you actually fixed all the stuff I mentioned above... this would be just another gigantic, steamy pile of boring crap.
I'd like to think that someone got fired over this movie. The really
amazing thing about Boa vs. Python is that it got made at all. Then,
after it got made, it aired on the Sci-Fi Channel. Now, we all know
that the Sci-Fi Channel is not exactly known for excellence in
programming, but this is an all time low.
The fact that someone pitched Boa vs. Python as a concept, and someone else said, "Yeah! Great!" is just plain frightening. I almost can't blame the writer, the director, the actors, or the terrible CGFX team. They did what they had to do. The worst thing about Boa vs. Python is that it came into existence at all. 2 out of 10 stars. One for the python, one for the boa.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
I'm serious, I learnt a lot from Boa Vs Python: - Bulgaria looks a lot
like 24 miles outside Philadelphia.
- Multi-millionaire businessmen with their own private jets spend their free time at amateur-level wrestling matches where the wrestlers dress up in coloured masks. The businessman is more than willing to pay 500 US dollars for a seat though.
- You have to show a beautiful girl disrobing three times, and stepping into the bath three times, before the audience can understand that she is taking a bath. Some of the shots are in slow motion to allow the even slower audience members to catch on in time.
- Multiple sticks of dynamite, causing an explosion roughly 80 feet high and 15 feet wide, is not quite enough to blow up two cars and a truck, but it will partially destroy one of the cars, leaving it on fire. Police, the FBI and the Fire Brigade will make no attempt to put out such fires, even 8-12 hours after the explosion.
- The television will un-mute itself when an answer to a rich man's conundrum is on the news.
- Multi-millionaire businessmen watch local news channels from cities that they're not even from, while flying 39,000 feet in the air.
- 80 feet long snakes that have the diameter of over 3 feet, can get through holes in doors roughly a third of that size.
- Philadelphia sheriffs trip over and fall onto corpses at a crime scene, but this presents no problem of any kind.
- The worlds foremost marine research scientist is a blonde girl in her late 20s with breast implants, who likes taking off her bikini underwater to win money.
- Guys who want to take their singlet off, while at the pool, don't just take it off. They put it on, so that they rip it off, and throw it away.
- Even though you can clearly see the bottom of a pool that's 2 metres (6½ feet) deep, when people stand on the floor of that pool, their actions are completely unknown to onlookers.
- Leading research scientists repeatedly tap on the glass of a snake's cage out of interest as to see what it will do.
- An FBI agent can't find a 70-foot long Boa in a room about 30x18 feet, because 70-foot Boas find it very easy to hide in medium sized rooms.
- Leading research scientists who have breast implants just happen to make sensor pads for animals, which are constantly referred to as implants by the research scientist. She doesn't appear to realise the cheap gag nature of her comments until a man uses the phrase "equipment", in which case she suddenly pauses, smiles to herself, and he has to avert all talk from topics that could be perceived to be relating to her upper chest.
- One of the world's richest hunters cannot drive properly. Neither can his son. They can't shoot very well at all, either. Or throw a grenade more than 5 metres. And despite being overly rich, they drive a 90s model Volvo.
- A girl cannot tell the difference between being licked by a 6ft tall male, and being licked by an 80-foot python with a mouth about 20 times the size of the male.
- All sentences in front page news articles are condensed into one paragraph.
- Newspaper photos do not have captions, and are never larger than 6cm by 6cm.
- Members of the U.S. Army randomly, and in a very monotone voice, say "Ready-to-kick-some-ass-Sir" ... to an FBI agent. No commanding officers are present when national security is at stake.
- Some people can't tell the difference between a pig and an 80-foot long python.
- Members of the U.S. Army can't find a 70-foot Boa in an underground room, even when it screams every couple of seconds.
- When there's "not a second to spare", leading scientists make jokes about cross-breed snake sex.
- When the military's best sniper says "one shot, one kill", he means "two shots, one kill".
- The best way to save your girlfriend from being crushed by a 70 foot boa, is to randomly aim your flamethrower at the boa's face, even if it is all of 1 foot from your girlfriend.
- Wanted fugitives are never handcuffed, but they are allowed to easily slip into a tank and drive it away from a military base. With a flamethrower, of course.
- The U.S. military trusted a rocket launcher to one of its soldiers, who couldn't hit a tank going at less than 20 miles an hour (32 km/hour) from 30 feet distance - directly behind the tank, no less.
- To make sure that the audience knows that the scene has changed to a club, show at least one minute of naked body-painted dancers.
- When a wanted fugitive starts attacking armed members of the army with a flame thrower, they don't shoot him. Instead, they run towards the flames, even after three have burnt to death.
- A huge snake can't barge through metal bars being held by two people, but it can utterly destroy a concrete wall.
- After someone one has been killed, ripped into two bits and thrown around, they can still let out one last scream.
- Creating subway stations entirely in CGI makes a movie climax so much more interesting.
Honestly, you should show this movie to aspiring doctors and lawyers. The knowledge they will gain will pay dividends in the future. No other film can teach you the facts about all these things that you didn't previously know were true.
This movie is everything you would expect it to be: a complete and utter piece of crap. No resemblance except the special effects style with the previous film, BOA, which was a pretty good film. This has to do with a rich stud who arranges big game hunts for rich losers, only his big game a giant reticulated python gets lost in the wilds outside Philadelphia and the FBI decides to borrow some scientist's giant boa to capture it. The plot gets even sillier after that. The effects are cheesy low budget CGI although the camera work and editing is very good. Characters are mindless and moronic most of them created just for former playmates to show off their toots&assetts at the expense of a relevant or interesting storyline. That said, however, I must confess that crimson-haired co-star Angel Boris was intoxicatingly attractive in all of her scenes. But the storyline is the movie's biggest fault there's no attempt to even be logical or literate, and even the suggestion that the movie is half comedy doesn't excuse the story's lapses in intelligence.
This movie is really, really bad. It features bad acting, bad CG, bad
plot and other things you don't want to see in a movie.
The plot, as mentioned, is really awful. Some rich guy wants to have a big snake brought out in the woods so he and his rich buddies can kill it for fun. It breaks free and starts killing people. The good guys sends out another big snake to fight the bad snake.
OK, they didn't have a big budget so the CGI-snakes look bad, but could'nt they have written a better story?
The acting is terrible, the actors are completely worthless.
The action scenes are not exiting in any way.
Don't waste your time watching this movie, its not worth it. They even used the old trick "make girl show her jugs" to make the movie more interesting, and thats a good sign for a sucky movie.
Nice tits though.
I rented this flick while in the mood for some pretty cheesy schlock to
continue my search for the worst movie ever made (this is a personal
quest because no three people can agree on what is the worst movie
ever). This flick combines two CGI giant snakes that previously had
their own pieces of celluloid, but it isn't a sequel to either
franchise. Some schmucks decided that they wanted to hunt a giant
python that turned out to be a renegade human killer (big surprise). It
escaped and started hiding out in a water treatment plant (another big
surprise). So the government gets a woman who is working with
transplants that can transmit animal brain waves and a guy with a giant
boa (Houston, we have a title). So they sent this boa after the python
(great idea, put two blood thirsty giant snakes in a confined area
together). Throw in some special forces, idiot hunters going after the
snake and you've got a movie.
This was pretty crappy. Forget it unless you love the giant CGI snake thing.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
*SPOILER ALERT* *SPOILER ALERT*
I was in contact with the director of "Boa vs. Python" throughout the process of making this movie. He had emailed me in the hopes that I could shed some light on what monster movie fans like to see in their monster movies. This was his first directing effort and he wanted it to be a good one. I told him that the difference between a good creature flick and a bad one comes down to the creature itself. The monster should be vicious and love to kill people at all times. Ambiguity can kill these kinds of flicks when you have a beast that turns out to actually be a good creature and is just misunderstood. So remember to make the monster EVIL so that the audience can scream with joy when it is blown to bits.
A little time went by and he emailed me again. He had a script for "Boa vs. Python". Did I want to read it? Sure, I said. I received a script right away and was excited about what I had read. There were monster fights and plenty of nudity. I especially liked the subway snake fight scene and suggested some possible fighting shots for it. He thanked me for the ideas and went off to Bulgaria to make the movie.
A couple of months later, he emailed me again. This time he had a rough cut assembled and was wondering if I wanted to take a look at it. Again, I said yes. So he sent me the rough cut and a sweatshirt that had "Boa vs. Python" written on it. The rough cut was very interesting. All the snake special effects were missing and would be filled in later. Whenever a snake was supposed to be doing something, there would just be commands typed into the movie like, "Snake crawls out of sewer" or "Snakes fighting". I thought it looked like a solid B-movie.
Unfortunately, the one thing I realized as I was looking over the script and then the rough cut was that money was a problem. The whole movie depended on the snake effects. If they were convincing, the movie would be good. They could only afford one big snake fight and that was at the very end. They also cut out a crucial scene where the snake attacks some teens in a car and is able to lick the girl's nipple. Giant forked tongue action would have been classic. Instead, the snake just shakes up the car. Also, as I was looking over the credits, the main star of the movie had been in many Playboy videos and yet does not get naked in the movie. This made me sad as well.
In a nutshell, there is nothing wrong with "Boa vs. Python" that a few million bucks couldn't have solved. Giant snake goes on a rampage and Dr. Babe hunts it down with another giant snake. It zips right along and gives you as much B-movie bang as it can afford. I could have gone for some more monster fighting and more gratuitous nudity but that's probably true of most movies I watch. The snake effects weren't the best in the world but I was satisfied. It's worth a look. Just make sure to watch the video version. More breasts and blood. Yeah. That's what it's all about.
In yet another 'versus' movie, Hollywood chooses a match-up that is not
unlike the others that we have seen in the cinema lately. This time it
is between two species of the snake world, boas and pythons.
An enormous python escapes from a truck delivering it to be hunted and captured for money. After terrorizing the sewers of Philadelphia, the FBI enlists the aid of two fellow scientists to remedy the situation. One has been harboring an enormous boa for years, while the other one has beautiful 'implants'. Together they work to bring this slithering beast of evil down.
Little do they know they are not the only ones hot on the trail. A big game animal hunter named Roddick has recruited some of the best hunters in the world to bring this beast down. The battle royale begins as the lines between man vs. nature, man vs. machine, and man vs. man are blurred and new boundaries are set. Who will reign supreme? Find out this Sunday, Sunday, Sunday!!
Impressive graphics and an excellent balance between action and gore are what keep this film afloat. This straight to DVD release should have most people laughing, but oddly kept my attention until the very end. The story is flawed, the characters are unbelievable, and the script is amateurish (see constant remarks about 'implants' and Monica), but there is something to be said about using good CGI. This is no LOTR, but for a straight to DVD release I was impressed. Director David Flores has done an exceptional job of giving us exactly what we came looking for with this film. We wanted action, some nudity, and tons of snakes, and he successfully handed them to us on a silver platter. If you do not walk into this film with high expectations, you will probably leave impressed.
Grade: ** ½ out of ****
I had pinned high hopes on this movie for two reasons.
1. I'm fascinated with snakes. 2. Jaime Bergman. The movie was worth watching for most of the special effects. Most of the time, the snakes looked real and very menacing. I was totally into that, but they didn't really show them enough and, to be honest, they didn't really fight all that much either. The contrast in color between the two snakes was a nice touch, too. I would love to have a snake like the red one in the move (smaller of course). The movie was missing something, however, even though I can't quite put my finger on it. Even after overlooking the fact that both Boas and Pythons are constrictors and don't bite off their food like a dog would, or leave half a body lying around, I still felt something was missing. Wish I could tell you what it was, but it felt a little empty. You have to admit, seeing a few of the bad guys having the life constricted out of them would have had a longer lasting effect than the quick snaps the snake was taking out of them and then seeing them unhinge their jaw to swallow a human whole would have been great to see as well, but, oh well, what can you do?
One thing that was definitely missing, as my fellow reviewer "Dr. Gore" had stated in an earlier review, was natural beauty Jaime Bergman's lack of sexiness with her character. Not necessarily missing the nudity, although that would have been nice as she has a body better than most in Hollywood, but a little more in that area would have been nice. Angel Boris did do more than enough to compensate for Bergman with the T&A for this film though, so it wasn't a complete loss in that area.
Also, I was unaware they had movies for both the Boa and the Python previously, so I didn't know this was another combination of two movie serpents in separate films. It didn't feel like either one had anything to do with the past at all. Not a bad movie overall, it's worth seeing if you got an hour and a half to spare.
I gave this movie 6 out of 10.
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