Allison Dubois: Ow!
[pulls a portable phone out of couch cushions]
Joe Dubois: Wow. You one of those people who can talk out of their ass?
Allison Dubois: It's not funny.
Joe Dubois: It's kind of funny.
Allison Dubois: It's 9:00. How am I supposed to know you're OK? How do I know you're not lying dead somewhere?
Joe Dubois: If something had happened, somebody would've called. If I were dead, who are we kidding, you'd be the first to know.
Allison Dubois: How can you say that?
Joe Dubois: I move my lips, I push out air. There's nothing to it.
Allison Dubois: I just had a weird dream...
Joe Dubois: Of course you did. It's a day ending in "Y".
Allison Dubois: Psychic with a bad sense of time.
Joe Dubois: Do you remember where you live?
Allison Dubois: Hmm, I'm seeing a house. I'm seeing a guy in his underwear. I'm seeing lots of dishes in the sink.
Joe Dubois: It's amazing how you do that.
Joe's Dad: I'll be damned if I know what my son sees in you.
Allison Dubois: It's okay. You already are damned.
[Allison is annoyed about having to clean the house before her birthday party]
Joe Dubois: Aren't you going to get that?
Allison Dubois: Why? It's one of the wicked stepsisters calling to say she's coming to the ball, but she wants me to stop and clean her fireplace.
Captain Kenneth Push: That God... he is one perverse entity.
Joe Dubois: Ever since you made the decision not to go to law school, to go to work for the D.A. as a consultant, I don't know, you seem kinda...
Allison Dubois: Bitchy? Cranky? Pissed off?
Joe Dubois: You can read minds.
Allison Dubois: [they're in bed] Here's the weird thing
Joe Dubois: You can't possibly say that with a straight face
Bridgette Dubois: Don't let her chop my head off!
Joe Dubois: Chop your head off?
Joe Dubois: You bringing your work home with you again?
Joe Dubois: Call Maury Povich - tell him I'm ready for my close-up.
[Allison is hunting for her keys]
Joe Dubois: Keys? I would think even to get a psychic learner's permit you'd have to be able to find a lost set of...
Allison Dubois: [holding them] Keys?
Allison Dubois: [to Joe] What? You told me to dream about anything other than Murcado. It's not my fault my brain picks Sin City.
Allison Dubois: He looks pretty good, don't you think?
Joe Dubois: For a functional alcoholic - absolutely. You know he's still out there drinking by himself?
Allison Dubois: Wow, who died and appointed you the mayor of Funville?