Hellboy II: The Golden Army (2008)
Tom Manning: What's going on? What's going on?
Hellboy: I quit.
[gives Manning his belt and weapon]
Tom Manning: What? Are you serious?
Liz Sherman: Looks that way doesn't it?
[gives Manning her belt and weapon]
Tom Manning: What's wrong with you? You can't all just quit.
Abe Sapien: [gives Manning his belt and weapons] Watch us.
[pats Manning on the cheek and walks past him]
Hellboy: [comes back] On second thought...
[pulls out the Samaritan]
Hellboy: I think I'll keep this!
Tom Manning: Come on. Come on! Johann, they can't do this. Stop them.
Johann Krauss: Dr. Manning, suck my ectoplasmic schwanzstucker!
Prince Nuada: We die and the world will be poorer for it.
Johann Krauss: Nice baby.
Baby: I'm not a baby. I'm a tumor.
Prince Nuada: [releasing the tooth fairies] Let this remind you why you once feared the dark...
Hellboy: [as he's wrapping an infant in his tail] Your first piece of tail.
Hellboy: You're in love. Have a beer.
Abe Sapien: Oh, my body's a temple.
Hellboy: Well, now it's an amusement park.
Abe Sapien: No, no, no. The glandular balance of...
Hellboy: Just shut up and drink it, would you?
Prince Nuada: [stabs Hellboy in the chest] You may have mused in the past, am I mortal?
[breaks off the spear, leaving the head in Hellboy's chest]
Prince Nuada: Now you are.
Prince Nuada: [to Hellboy about the Forest god] Demon! What are you waiting for? This is what you want, isn't it? Look at it. The last of its kind. Like you and I. If you destroy it, the world will never see its kind again... You have more in common with us than with them. You could be a king... If you cannot command, than you must obey.
Hellboy: [looking at Liz sleeping; drunk] Look at her. She's it, Abe. She's it. She's my whole wide... You know?
Abe Sapien: [also drunk] Yeah. Yeah.
Hellboy: I would give my life for her... but she also wants me to do the dishes.
Abe Sapien: I would die and do the dishes.
Hellboy: Maybe we can find a place with a yard. It'd be great for the baby!
Liz Sherman: Babies.
Hellboy: [mouths] Babies?
Liz Sherman: [holds up two fingers, wagging them]
Professor Trevor 'Broom' Bruttenholm: It is said that at the dawn of time, man, beast, and all magical beings lived together under Aeglin, the Father Tree. But man had been created with a hole in his heart, a hole that no possession, power, or knowledge could fill. And in his infinite greed, man dreamed of expanding his dominion over the entire earth. The blood of many an elf, ogre, and goblin was spilled in their war with man, and King Balor, the one-armed king of Elfland, watched the slaughter in dread and despair. But one day, the master of the goblin blacksmiths offered to build the king a golden mechanical army, seventy times seventy soldiers, that would never know hunger, and could not be stopped. Prince Nuada begged his father to agree. "Build me this army," the king said. And so, a magical crown was forged that would allow those of royal blood to command the Golden Army, if unchallenged. "I am King Balor, leader of the Golden Army. Is there anyone who disputes my right?" And in his throne room, no one challenged his word.
Tom Manning: No fingerprints, no photos. But they say, and I'm translating, "he has a nice, open face."
[Johann's head turns out to be a clear, open bowl of glass]
Johann Krauss: You say I'm not human, but on the contrary, I understand your pain all too well. You see, a long time ago, I lost the woman I love, and that was, in fact, the cause of my present misfortune. I will tell you about it someday. But for now, the tactical advantage is ours! Consider this: the Prince lacks the crown piece. And without it, his Army poses no threat to us.
Liz Sherman: So, we have clearance then?
Johann Krauss: Agent Sherman... Liz... screw ze clearance! Ve vill *take* that plane!
Angel of Death: Anung un Rama...
Liz Sherman: You know that name?
Angel of Death: And yours, Elizabeth Sherman. At last, I have been waiting for you both, I am his death and I will meet him at every crossroad.
Liz Sherman: Can you save him?
Angel of Death: It is for you to decide. It is all the same to me, my heart is filled with dust and sand. But you should know, it is his destiny to bring about the destruction of the Earth... not now, not tomorrow but soon enough. Knowing that, you still want him to live?
Angel of Death: So, child, make the choice. The world, or him?
Liz Sherman: Him.
Angel of Death: The time will come, and you, my dear, will suffer more than anyone.
Liz Sherman: I'll deal with it. Now save him.
Angel of Death: It is done.
[the Angel removes the spearhead from Hellboy's chest]
Angel of Death: I have done what I can, now give him a reason to live.
Prince Nuada: [defeated] Kill me. You must. For I will not stop. I cannot.
Hellboy: [taking the crown] Sorry, pal. I win, you live.
Prince Nuada: [to the Golden Army] Kill them.
Abe Sapien: [shocked] He lied to us.
Hellboy: Abe, old buddy. We ever get outta this, we gotta talk.
Abe Sapien: [as she lies dying] I never got a chance to tell you how I feel.
Princess Nuala: Give me your hand.
[he takes her hand]
Princess Nuala: It's... beautiful.
Hellboy: Come on, Abe! What are these things?
Abe Sapien: Carcharadon Carcharias.
Hellboy: English, English.
Abe Sapien: They're, um... tooth fairies.
Abe Sapien: No. Black Forest, 3rd Century. They feed mostly on calcium. Bones, skin, organs... But they do usually go after the teeth first. Hence the name, "tooth fairies."
Liz Sherman: Bet you they don't leave money, either.
Hellboy: I wish father were here. He'd know what to tell you... us.
Tom Manning: What are these things?
Liz Sherman: We normally can't see fairy folk and trolls. They emit a cloaking aura of "glamour." But in 1838, Emil Schuffstein designed these. Four crystal diopters that allows you to see things as they really are. Keep an eye on her.
[Manning sees the team following a bag lady pushing a shopping cart full of kittens]
Tom Manning: That little old lady? Come on!
Liz Sherman: It's a Fragglewump. An ugly Scottish troll. They're afraid of canaries.
[Manning puts on the glasses and looks again]
Tom Manning: Oh, my God! Canaries, huh? What about the kittens?
Liz Sherman: She feeds on them.
Tom Manning: That thing is a "she?"
Tom Manning: "Undercover." Can't he get the meaning of the word? I mean, we are still government-funded, we are still a secret, although a dirty secret, if you ask me. Officially, we-do-not-exist. So, you see, that's the problem when we get these.
[shows Abe a series of photos]
Tom Manning: Subway... highway... ah, park.
[holds up one, showing Hellboy giving a "peace" sign with his stone hand]
Tom Manning: And he posed for this one, and gave an autograph. I suppress each photo, cell phone videos, they cost me a fortune, and then they show up on Youtube... God, I hate Youtube!
Prince Nuada: The humans... the humans have forgotten the gods, destroyed the earth, and for what? Parking lots? Shopping malls? Greed had burned a hole in their hearts that will never be filled! They will never have enough!
King Balor: What humans do is in their nature. To honor the truce is in ours.
Prince Nuada: Honor? Look at this place! Where is the honor in this? Father, you were once a proud warrior. When did you become their pet?
[turns to the council]
Prince Nuada: I have returned from exile to wage war and reclaim our land, our birthright! And for that I will call upon the help of all my people and they will answer. The good, the bad...
[holds up the crown piece]
Prince Nuada: ... and the worst.
King Balor: [puts a hand to his own crown piece] The Golden Army? You cannot be that mad!
Prince Nuada: Perhaps I am. Perhaps they made me so.
Liz Sherman: Don't try to talk.
Hellboy: No, you need to hear this. I know what's important. It's you. I can turn my back on the world, all of it... as long as you stay with me.
Liz Sherman: I'll stay with you. You're the best man I know.
Hellboy: [smiles] Man...
Young Hellboy: [hearing the story of the Golden Army] What does it mean, industrable?
Professor Trevor 'Broom' Bruttenholm: In-des-truct-i-ble. It means it cannot be destroyed.
[after smashing up a dozen of the Golden Army's soldiers]
Hellboy: Industrable, my ass.
Liz Sherman: We're looking for the entrance to BethMora.
Goblin: What would a nice girl like you be wanting in the Nightlands?
Liz Sherman: We are looking for Prince Nuada.
Goblin: Ah, him I know. Trade me something, and I'll take you to him.
Liz Sherman: Here, I have a shiny belt.
Goblin: [his legs are missing] But I have no pants.
Liz Sherman: I have a wonderful pair of magic eyes...
Goblin: No, I already have binoculars.
Tom Manning: [very upset] You've murdered me. You've murdered me and ridiculed me. And... you've brought this onto yourself.
Hellboy: [uninterested] What?
Tom Manning: Washington is sending down a BPRD agent.
Hellboy: [now caring] A new guy? Why?
Tom Manning: [sneering] To look after you!
Hellboy: I can be discreet.
Liz Sherman: Really?
Hellboy: Hey, I followed you and Myers, didn't I?
Liz Sherman: And then you had him transferred to Antarctica. That's very... discreet.
Hellboy: Ah, he said he liked the cold.
Hellboy: [drunk] Why is she mad at me? And it's not about the mess, either, it's about something else.
Abe Sapien: [also drunk] Well, ask her then!
Hellboy: No! Look, Abe, when a woman's mad at you, but she's really mad about something else, and you have to ask, she gets mad because you had to ask in the first place! You know?
Abe Sapien: Uh...
Hellboy: Never mind, don't answer that.
Professor Trevor 'Broom' Bruttenholm: My son, would you turn off that wretched puppet, and brush your teeth?
Young Hellboy: Don't call him a puppet!
Professor Trevor 'Broom' Bruttenholm: I beg your pardon?
Young Hellboy: He's not a puppet! Howdy Doody's real!
Professor Trevor 'Broom' Bruttenholm: Well, Mr. Dee-dee Doo-doo will have to say good night.
Johann Krauss: [after thrashing Hellboy] There we are. Your temper, it makes you sloppy. Try to control it, Agent Hellboy. Before it controls you.
[Johann "walks" away, singing in German]
Hellboy: "Popular Love Songs"? Oh, Abe... you fell for the Princess?
Abe Sapien: She... she's like me! A creature from another world...
Hellboy: You need to get out more.
Hellboy: [reading a CD's track listing] "Can't Smile Without You"?
Abe Sapien: I know...
Hellboy: Yep, I'm gonna need a beer, too!
Liz Sherman: [over the radio, at the auction house] Abe, what have we got?
Abe Sapien: [reading through his book] Oh, this is interesting. Both boxes have the royal seal. Only delivered in a time of war... Red, we have company.
Hellboy: [getting annoyed] Come on, Blue. Give me something to work with here!
Abe Sapien: Burrowing creatures.
Hellboy: How many of them?
Abe Sapien: Many... there are no corpses because there are no leftovers. Have you noticed the floor?
Hellboy: [walking through the bloody sludge] Aww, crap!
Abe Sapien: Precisely. All these things do is eat and eat, then poop, then eat again.
Liz Sherman: [sarcastic] Remind you of anyone?
Liz Sherman: Over seventy guests reported. There are no survivors?
Hellboy: Same story here, babe.
Liz Sherman: Don't call me "babe."
Hellboy: *Abe!* I said Abe! Wrong channel...
Abe Sapien: [to pregnant Liz] Nothing to fear. Despite the appearances, I bet Red can be excellent father figure.
Abe Sapien: My name is Abraham Sapien.
Princess Nuala: There is no such name.
Abe Sapien: Oh, I don't like it much either, but...
Princess Nuala: Enough! Give me your hand.
Abe Sapien: I'm sorry?
[she menaces him with her dagger; he holds up his hand, and she places hers against it]
Princess Nuala: You are an agent of the Bureau For Paranormal Research And Defense.
Abe Sapien: Yes.
Princess Nuala: And your name is... oh, dear.
Abe Sapien: Awful, I know.
Princess Nuala: I am Princess Nuala, daughter of King Balor...
Abe Sapien: I know. Forgive me, Your Highness, but as you were learning about me, I could not help but learn a little bit about you. You need our help.
Princess Nuala: I'm afraid it's the other way around.
Princess Nuala: [with the others in the meat-locker] To wage his war, my brother needs this.
[holding the crown piece and cylinder]
Princess Nuala: The final piece of the crown of BethMora and this map to the location of the Golden Army chamber.
Johann Krauss: The Golden Army. The harbingers of death, the unstoppable tide...
Hellboy: [under his breath] Howdy Doody.
Johann Krauss: Your Highness, if you hand the crown piece over to us...
Princess Nuala: No. Where it goes, I go. My father died to uphold the truce with your world. We must honor his noble intentions.
Abe Sapien: The lady is in dire danger.
Johann Krauss: I take is your are vouching for her, Agent Sapien?
Abe Sapien: Most emphatically, yes.
Johann Krauss: Even so... I am sorry, but we simply cannot assume such responsibility on our own.
Hellboy: [getting in Johann's face] Lady just lost her father, what more do you want?
Johann Krauss: You may not care, but there are procedures, rules, and little handbooks that...
Hellboy: She's coming with us. You got that, gasbag?
Johann Krauss: [offended] What-what did you call me?
Prince Nuada: [from behind the group] You! You will pay for what happened to my friend down there.
Hellboy: [turning to face him, sarcastically] Yeah, right. You take checks?
Prince Nuada: [enraged] Demon. Born from a womb of shadows, sent to destroy their world and you still believe you belong?
Hellboy: Are we going to talk all night? Because I'm really sleepy.
Johann Krauss: You have one fatal flaw.
Hellboy: Oh, I wanna hear this.
Johann Krauss: No, you don't. You can't take criticism.
Hellboy: Try me.
Johann Krauss: [pokes Hellboy] Can't... take it.
Hellboy: [yells] What's my flaw?
Johann Krauss: Your temper! It gets the best of you. Makes you weak, makes you vulnera...
[Hellboy punches him]
[Hellboy has defeated Nuada, and holds the completed Crown of Bethmora, that controls the Golden Army]
Hellboy: All that power...
Liz Sherman: Don't even think about it!
[grabs crown from his hands, and proceeds to destroy it]
Prince Nuada: [after practicing, to Wink] How long have you been there, my friend?
[pointing to the Tooth Fairies]
Prince Nuada: They're over there. I bought them today. I haven't fed them, at all. I will go up first, you will follow. And remember Mr. Wink, don't be shy.
[entering the Golden Army chamber]
Goblin: Here we are... and there they are. Seventy times seventy soldiers. Sometimes I wish we'd never created them. Bim-bam went the hammers! Whoosh went the furnaces! One of those fires took my legs off. This is as far as I go. I'm not very good with steps. But if you're here to stop him, the Prince, I wish you luck. The Golden Army must not awaken. Undo what we did.
[interrogating the Fragglewump]
Hellboy: We're gonna have to go a little old school, Abe. Gimme the boid.
[Abe hands him the canary in a cage]
Bag Lady: [shrieks] Not the canary!
Hellboy: What, you're afraid of this little guy? Who would know?
Hellboy: Hey, gasbag! Stop talking now!
Johann Krauss: Or what? Are you threatening me? Because I think I can take you.
Hellboy: Excuse me?
Johann Krauss: You heard me.
[Hellboy is about to fight Nuada; Abe and Liz are worried]
Hellboy: [to Liz] Don't worry, babe.
[turns to Abe]
Hellboy: I'm not gonna kill him, Abe. But I am gonna kick his ass!
Prince Nuada: Sit *down*, proud, empty, hollow things that you are! Let this remind you why you once feared the dark.
Prince Nuada: [to Nuala, catching her in the library] Very creative of you. The parchment was of no importance. The cylinder... is very interesting
[picking up the burning chamber and rolling it to burn the imprint across the table, revealing a map]
Prince Nuada: We will find the Golden Army here. As for the crown piece, I know it's here.I can feel that much in you. Father always tried so hard to shield your heart from mine.
[pacing around the bookcase]
Prince Nuada: It's in one of the books and I will find it.
[holding a book, before throwing it down]
Prince Nuada: Blue? You always look so beautiful in blue. Blue, poetry, love, and lust. Only words. I will find it.
Princess Nuala: [Eyes the blue-colored book she placed the hidden crown piece in]
Johann Krauss: You will learn to obey me, follow protocol and stay focused at all times.
Hellboy: Oh, that word - "fock-yused"? Yeah, with your accent, I wouldn't use it that much.
Tom Manning: [talking about Krauss] I like the way he takes charge.
Liz Sherman: You think?
Tom Manning: He's efficient, and precise.
Liz Sherman: Add resistant to that and you got yourself a new watch.
Johann Krauss: [as the destroyed Golden soldiers reform themselves] Well, I'm out of ideas.
Hellboy: I've got one.
Hellboy: Eh, Mr. Kraut, sir?
Johann Krauss: Krauss, agent. There's a double s.
Hellboy: SS. Right, right.
Abe Sapien: Now, see, I love this song. And I can't smile, or cry. I think I have no tear ducts.
Auctioneer: This is outrageous! Please, take whatever you want, but leave us alone! Sir, I demand-!
[Nuada throws a living root at the Auctioneer, which wraps around his face and suffocates him to death]
Prince Nuada: Be quiet.
Auctioneer: And now we move on to our next item, Lot Number 777. A piece of the Royal Crown of Bethmoora. The origin of this piece harkens back to the saga of the "Sons of the Earth," and the creation of the fabled Golden Army...
Jimmy Kimmel: [talking about Abe on TV] And what about this guy? Walking around with a toilet seat on his head.
Hellboy: [laughing] A toilet!
Abe Sapien: It's quite obvious it's a breathing apparatus.