Breakfast on Pluto (2005)
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: If I wasn't a transvestite terrorist, would you marry me?
Ma Braden: I'll walk you up and down the streets before the whole town in disgrace!
Young Patrick Braden: Promise?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Well, fuck me pink with a hairy arse!
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Not many people can take the tale of Patrick Braden, aka St. Kitten, who strutted the catwalks, face lit by a halo of flashbulbs as "oh!" she shrieks, "I told you, from my best side darlings."
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: The fantastic tale of Eily Bergen.
Bertie: I can't wait to hear the ending.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: But you haven't even heard the start.
Bertie: I can't wait to hear that either.
Hooker (Janet Moran): Oi. You doing business, do it somewhere else, love. This pavement's got my name on it.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: And what, pray, is your name? Concrete?
Hooker (Janet Moran): My name is scratch your eyes out, and bite your bleed'n nose off. Which is what I'll do if you don't get off my patch.
Mr. Silky String: She giving you trouble, sir?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Oh, no trouble at all. We were just exchanging names.
Mr. Silky String: And just who is this "Phantom Lady"?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Well, it's my mother really, I call her that... to pretend it's a story... that's happening to someone else, you see.
Mr. Silky String: Why do you pretend that?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Beacause otherwise I might cry and never stop.
Mr. Silky String: If you cried, I'd make you stop.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Oh, You would?... Oh how kind kind sir.
Mr. Silky String: Yes. I'd definitely make you stop.
Billy Hatchett: [finding that Patrick has taken all of the guns] Fuck. Don't you know what this means? Do-do you know what these guys are like, Paddy?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Don't let this come between us, Billy.
Billy Hatchett: Shut up! Jesus, what the fuck am I gonna do? Fucking Jesus!
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Tell them I was spring cleaning, darling.
Billy Hatchett: Where are they, Paddy? Tell me, where are they?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Now, what is this you mean, my darling?
Billy Hatchett: The guns, you little fucking whore! Where are they? The guns! It's all too fucking serious! Don't go fucking me around.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Oh, all of a sudden, everybody's getting serious! Serious, serious, serious.
Billy Hatchett: I'm not fucking joking, Patrick! Where are they?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: I told you to call me Kitten.
Billy Hatchett: Don't fucking know me. You don't know where I've gone. And if they come, if they fucking come, you tell them nothing. I mean nothing.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Whatever you say, darling.
Billy Hatchett: You're way out of your league, Patrick. You don't know what you're dealing with. Don't fucking know.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Oh, I do. I know, all right. I knew you were only joking about the roses... and the sweets, too, probably. But it was nice while it lasted.
[Hatchett drives off]
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: But Micky is devious and no matter how much you tell him, he simply won't stay down!
Robin 1: She doesn't look anything like Mitzi Gaynor!
Robin 2: What do you know about Mitzi Gaynor?
Robin 1: Nothing. But as Oscar Wilde said, "I love to talk about nothing. It's the only thing I know anything about."
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: And the other thing about the Phantom Lady was, Bert, she realized, in the city that never sleeps...
Bertie: What did she realize, Kitten?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: That all the songs she'd listened to, all the love songs, that they were only songs.
Bertie: What's wrong with that?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Nothing, if you don't believe in them. But she did, you see. She believed in enchanted evenings, and she believed that a small cloud passed overhead and cried down on a flower bed, and she even believed there was breakfast to be had...
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: On Pluto. The mysterious, icy wastes of Pluto.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: I knew you were only joking about the roses. And the sweeties. But it was nice while it lasted.
Bertie: You know, Kitten, I made a decision a long time ago.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: What decision was that?
Bertie: That I wasn't destined for sentimental side of things. But if I ever did let myself fall for someone, I think it would be a girl like you.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Bertie, please, I have to stop you. There's something you should know.
Bertie: Or maybe what I should say is, it would be a girl not a million miles away from where I'm standing. What's the matter, Princess?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Well, you see, the thing is, Bertie, I'm not a girl.
Bertie: Oh, I knew that, Princess.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: You did?
Bertie: Of course. What I said was, it would be a girl like you.
2nd Biker: What do you see, bro?
2nd Biker: No stars?
Laurence: Stars... and sausages!
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Oh... I do believe I have a small elfin dwelling on Wimbledon Common.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Dear Sir Unseen, I know my music and I am willing to bet you ten times whatever pathetic price you paid to get in this place that the dog's tail is 'waggely.' Now I want to hear you bark.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Patricia Kitten, aka Deep Throat, had penetrated the deepest recesses of the Republican sphincter... with her secret anti-terrorist spray, named after Gabrielle Coco Chanel's lucky number.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: [when threatened by two IRA men] Oh, come on then, just do it. I've nothing left to live for in this stupid serious world.
Horse Killane: Ah, fuck him. He's not worth a bullet, the mental nancy boy.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Why can't you be bothered killing nancy boys? You kill everyone else.
Jackie Timlin: I'm fucking warning you. Do you know what you're doing here? Are you on dope?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: I wish that I was, Mr. Killing Man. Why, do you have any?
Jackie Timlin: You're way out of your league, sunshine.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Not that again - "OUt of your league., out of your league. Oh, you're in over your head, in over your head." Oh, for heaven's sake. Surely you've one bullet to spare between yous?
1st Biker: When I ride my hog, you think I'm riding the road?No wy, man. I'm travelling from the past into the future with a druid at my back.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Druid man or druid woman?
1st Biker: That doesn't matter. What matters is the journey. You know where it goes, baby?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Where?
1st Biker: We'll visit the stars and journey to Mars, finding our breakfast... on Pluto.
Charlie: You said it'd be a disaster, like you.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Worse, probably.
Charlie: But I love you, you fucking disaster.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: If I volunteer, Irwin, can I have pink glasses, please?
Eily Bergin: Oops. My skirt and housecoat are riding up. Better abort this task at once or we'll have an exploding clergyman filling the air with pent-up sexual energy. Oh, no! "Priest grows wings in latest miracle."
Eily Bergin: Oh, I'm all wet, Father. What are you doing down there, Father? Are you playig squidgy with the Fairy Liquid?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: [voice over, while writing the essay about his conception as he imagines it in class] But she was soon to realise it wasn't Fairy Liquid he'd been playing with down there.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: [aloud, writing the words below his finished essay] The End.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: [voice over] No, it wasn't Fairy Liquid at all.
Irwin: I see four green fields. Brits in one of them. But not for fucking long.
1st Biker: No politics, man. Border Knights don't allow them. Jams the astral highway.
Irwin: So why do you cal yourself the Border Knights?
1st Biker: Because the only border that matters is the one between what's in front and what you've left behind.
Charlie: Saint Kitten?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Mm-hm. He or she was an acolyte of St. Patrick. Wore a dress. As did St. Patrick, actually - a hairy dress. Quite ruined her complexion.
Mrs. Coyle: [in needlework class] And they're for your sister, Patrick?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: Mm-hm. She really needs a bit of glamour in her life, Mrs. Coyle. But then again... don't we all?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: [voice over] But did true love save Kitten from the hands of the beast, in that worst of all fairy tales? No. What saved Kitten was her precious perfume spray, bought for £2.99in Roches Stores on Henry Street before she left her beloved Emerald Isle.
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: John Joe! John Joe, woohoo! John Joe! Not a Womble anymore?
John Joe Kenny: Don't talk to me about fuckin' Wombles. I'm in the Tower of London now. 30 smackers in the paw, boy. No questions asked. They're looking for a Mary Queen of Scots. Would you be up for it?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: They'd chop my head off surely.
Charlie: What would it turn out like, Paddy? You know what I mean, don't you?
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: It'd be an absolute disaster. Like me.
Nurse: Now... I want you to read this leaflet. It outlines all aspects of the termiation procedure.
Charlie: Termination? You mean this is an abortion clinic?
Nurse: Yes, of course it is.
Charlie: Oh. I thought it was a fertility clinic.
[gets up and leaves]
Patrick "Kitten" Braden: [to the nurse] I think she's changed her mind. Thank you.