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|Index||15 reviews in total|
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
This is a pretty amusing picture, as long as you watch it on fast forward. No, amusing is too generous. As a five to ten minute exercise in head shaking it is adequate. The more you watch the more you wonder who put up money for such a fiasco. *** SPOILER *** It's over an hour in before the protagonist irks the antagonist enough to to make him reroute the course of a ludicrous beauty pageant into a -- dare I say it -- martial arts contest. *** SPOILER *** Alert the media. Oh, wait, the media is already there. Anyway there are some guys in the control booth thinking they've got a hot number here. The more I think about what I saw the more pathetic it gets. The movie had a good poster. Probably has an okay trailer. Probably did okay at film markets. But the movie itself is boring drivel. Drivel is fine if it's entertaining. This is not.
I'm not sure why Pat Morita would agree to be in a movie like this. His performance was the only sort of acceptable part in the entire film and it was brief and insignificant. The script is terrible the acting is sorry and silly. The camera angles left me with a neck ache. The center of the movie was long boring and pointless. The action sequence at the end was both macabre and silly. The music was tedious and annoying. Every character was underdeveloped. The love story which was pivotal to the incredibly weak plot was insubstantial. Nothing! Not a single thing works in this movie. Only robots at the bottom of the screen would give this film a reason to exist.
Of all the films we've ever watched this has to be the absolute worst!
You wouldn't even wish your worst enemy to watch this! What has Vinnie
Jones been done! Surely he can't recover from this pile of poop! Worth
a watch just for the fact it's so bad it's hilarious.
Don't even bother! It's worse than the cheesiest film you can ever imagine, times by ten, add a load of people who can't act and then sit on a chair full of razors!
Did someone really pay to budget this film? If so you must be a mug mate!
BAD BAD BAD BAD BAD!
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
The Number One Girl may be better titled as "The Worst Film Ever!" What
we have here is an advert for DTV avoidance and a film that perhaps
only serves to make Steven Seagal's movies look a hell of a lot better.
This is nonsensical garbage of the highest order.
The films plot is bizarre and perhaps the worst excuse for action I have ever heard. Action star Joey Scalloni (Tony Schiena) visits his old buddy Dragos (Vinnie Jones) in England. Dragos is a big time gangster who runs a brothel but also organises a world beauty pageant. Scalloni the big Hollywood star comes to England to judge the competition. The UK entrant is Tatayana, one of Vinnie Jones girls and favoured bits on the side and one of the first things Scalloni is told is not to think of trying it on with her. So for the first hour of this boring snoozes the film is essentially just Dragos and Scalloni hanging out like good old buddies whilst also watching over the pageant. Then during the swimwear judging competition, Scalloni is invited on stage to dance with the final ten participants, including Tatayana. This is by the way on live TV and with Dragos watching from the best seat in the house. Scalloni for little apparent reason decides to damn near have full sex with Tatayana on stage with millions watching. This leads to Dragos going nuts, and hijacking the building. He gives Scalloni an ultimatum: Fight his way through his goons and Dragos himself, or he and the girl die! It's as moronically simple as that! The last 20 minutes is purely Tony Schiena fighting numerous enemies, one at a time in the same place. It's all dully choreographed and poorly performed, looking more like practice, blocking tapes.
So the plot is nonsense but does the cast pull this through? Nope, not at all. Schiena, who wasn't bad in Wake Of Death, is terrible given a lead role here. He's wooden, amateurish and really just plain old bad. Vinnie Jones is also terrible. Lisa McAllister stars as Tatayana, the number one girl, and although she's suitably gorgeous, she's a terrible actress too. In fact there are a host of terrible actors who seem as if they were hired off the street. It's home movie acting at its worst. That goes hand in hand with the mundane, home movie type cinematography and this film, reportedly shot for $5 million, is seemingly much, much less than that. Only a sadly frail looking Pat Morita, in one of his last roles, retains any pride here, and even he is shockingly below par. Director Luc Campeau is terrible and in his debut here, fails to create anything remotely interesting or exciting aside from the promising opening scene. Truth is from the opening I thought this film showed promise, with a nifty credits sequence combining with a glimpse of Scalloni shooting the final scene of his latest blockbuster. It's nicely edited and an interesting sequence which only makes the diabolically bad remainder of the film, all the more shocking. This is something to avoid at all costs and has no redeeming qualities. *
The one star was for Vinnie alone, nothing in this film was worth while. I stupidly bought it because Vinnie Jones is a cool actor, he was brilliant in Lock Stock and has that 'hard man' image down to a tee. I started watching with my mate and you notice the abysmal acting straight away, we thought it might get better but ended up fast forwarding a lot just to get to some action....which was awfully choreographed and poorly acted. Fight to the death!? It's an old cliché, but my grandma could have beaten up tony schiena's character. And what was all the slow-mo scenes about? At least I have a spare DVD case now and, who knows, if I run out of toilet paper I have a back up. If I were Vinnie I would be ashamed that I ever let tony Schiena beat him up...even if it was a movie. (I would have given this a minus number if I could....it's an hour or more of my life I will never get back!)
I saw the cover for this, and being the sucker that I am, fell for it. Is there really anything cooler than a guy with two pistols and explosions? The acting is terrible, I mean TERRIBLE! I'll be glad if I never see Tony Schiena (he was in Jean-Claude Van Damme's Wake of Death, which was very good) or Luc Campeau make another movie. Script, are you kidding me? There is a relentless skirt-chasing A-list movie star,huge British mobster, and a bunch of bimbos out to make a buck; none of it even comes close to adding up. I had to watch the lip syncing scene three times, I can not believe this blatant lip syncing made it through (there is back-up singers on the audio track....) This is not a low budget Chuck Norris/ Jean-Claude movie with tons of action. Even the scene transitions sucked, I've seen better blackouts on Lifetime.
*** This review may contain spoilers ***
Tony Schiena plays Hollywood action hero, four-time martial artist
champion, and all around schmuck Joey Scalini. After wrapping up on a
current production, he travels to England to visit his long time
gangster friend Dragos Molnar (Jones), and to act as a co-judge in an
internationally televised beauty pageant called the Miss Fashion and
Cosmetics World Competition, which, by the way, is also sponsored by
Dragos, the intent being to put a legitimate face on his criminal
enterprises. Joey soon finds himself surrounded by beautiful women, but
one in particular catches his eye, the contestant from the United
Kingdom named Tatiana (McAllister), who, in fact, turns out to be
Dragos' number one girl
you see, Dragos, while married with children,
shares his home with any number of women whom he grooms for success,
the only stipulation being they allow him to snog them whenever he
feels like it (apparently Dragos and his wife have an understanding).
Anyway, as the "competition" begins, we're treated to some really
rotten lip syncing by various contestants (here's a tip, when fake
singing, actually hold the microphone to your gob instead of waving it
that way it might appear to the more moronic viewers the words
coming off the tape are actually coming from your mouth), followed by
the swimsuit competition held in Dragos' new nightclub (the Nigerian
contestant sure sports a lot of junk in her trunk). After a couple
really lousy, hideous rap acts stink up the joint, the contestants and
judges start dancing, allowing Joey to grind on Tatiana in front of
Dragos who's sitting in audience, to which he reacts by kicking out the
audience, barring the doors, and turning the place into an Ultimate
Fighting Championship arena, as Joey must now fight not only a series
of Dragos' muscle bound bodyguards, but finally Dragos himself in an
all or nothing scenario. If Joey wins (no one wins with this film,
especially not the viewers) he gets to leave with the girl, and if he
loses, well, let's just say it's the end of his supposedly promising
career (along with his life)
oh, did I mention all of this is being
televised around the world?
I wanted to like this movie (I like the Vinnie Jones), I really did, but it was just so damn disappointing. If you're coming into this looking for some action, I'd suggest skipping the first hour all together, as it's only a overly long, drawn out, and painful set up for the big fight sequence at the end. Even when the action does cut in, it's really not worth it given how poorly it was executed and shot. I did learn a number of things while watching this film, though
1. Internationally televised beauty pageants sponsored by gangsters are most likely fixed. 2. London is the style capital of the world. 3. One way to deal with being in love with a woman you can't have is to make it with two, sleazy women simultaneously. 4. If you're a beauty contestant who is also the property of the guy running the show, don't sing a song about being in love with someone else and make cow eyes towards that person while performing, as it tends to really upset your sugar daddy.
There were quite a few things wrong with this movie, the main elements being the rotten script, predictable story, and the simplistic direction. The acting felt shoddy throughout, but I'd attribute that more to the three, previously mentioned factors than the performers themselves. I really didn't care for the main character much, as he seemed like a real sleaze, only interested in scoring with babes. At one point he claims to be in love, but then we see him making the scene with two women while looking at the headshot of the woman he's supposedly in love with, as if to say "Yeah, I'm making it with two babes, but I'm really thinking of you", which comes off as somewhat repulsive. To top it off, the guy was a real idiot, putting the moves on a woman he had been told numerous times by his gangster friend to stay clear of, with the threat of severe bodily harm implied. The dialog is incredibly insipid, often trying to sound all cool and such, but failing miserably, which really drags that first hour out into a real painfest. This isn't helped by the direction, as the movie is populated with flashbacks, recollections, unsteady, up close shots, and a whole lot of slow motion sequences and establishing shots (we get it, the story takes place in London given all the cockney accents and the visual of Big Ben enough with the traveling montages already). It seemed like the director tried to incorporate an 'arty' feel using tricks he'd perhaps seen others employ, only here it was obvious and only served to disrupt the overall flow. The big fight sequences in the last fifteen minutes wasn't all that thrilling, especially since one would have to figure Joey would make it through the various thugs in order to get to the big showdown with Dragos. As far as Pat Morita, I don't know what his purpose was in the film, other than to pick up a check and lend his name to the production, as his character was fairly insignificant to the story. All in all unless you were in this film as an extra, or are a glutton for cinematic punishment, I really can't see anyone going out of their way to see this dud as it was about as much fun as stepping on a toenail clipping imbedded in the carpeting in the middle of the night on your way to relive yourself.
.... does a movie so bad, so wooden, so awful, and so painful get made.
How this movie was ever green-lighted is beyond me. I can't believe
Vinnie Jones agreed to be in this abomination. The acting was worse
then that of soft-core porn thespians seen on Cinemax at 4 am. The
script must have been written by a retarded monkey, with a typewriter.
The director might as well have been Helen Keller. And the soundtrack
was some of the worst music I have ever heard in my life. I bet that is
the elevator music that plays in hell.
If you haven't figured it out by now..... I hated this movie with all my heart and soul. If I could go back in a time machine and either stop Hitler's reign, or this movie from being made, it would be a difficult choice.
Amateurish at best but boring at worst, "The Number One Girl" gives even pedestrian R-rated potboilers a bad name. Resist the urge to watch this direct-to-video tripe about a green-eyed gangster, a gorgeous gal, and cretinous action hero. Okay, I realize that Vinnie Jones of "Lock, Stock, and Two Smoking Barrels" endows this movie with some marginal marquee value, and I bought this DVD at a Movie Gallery clearance sale based on Jones and the "Karate Kid" star Pat Morita. The DVD box cover with a sartorially suited Jones holding two automatic pistols in a signature John Woo stance also lured me into shelling out my shekels this execrable epic. Moreover, clocking in at 85 minutes, I thought it would be a blast. Wrong on all counts! "The Number One Girl" makes "The Condemned" look like Oscar winning material. The starreal-life martial arts competitor Tony Schiena of "Wake of Death"makes Casper Van Dien look like Sir Laurence Olivier. Mind you, Lisa McAllister is a babe, but she is not enough to make this melodramatic muck memorable. Production Manager turned director; Luc Campeau makes a pathetic directorial debut. Granted, "The Defender" scenarist Douglas W. Miller had a modicum of a good idea, but Campeau does nothing invigorating with it. The first big action scene in the beginning has no voltageeven though it's a movie-within-a-movieand later scenes, particularly the multiple fights in the last quarter-hour are comatose. Incidentally, in the foreshadowing department, one of the characters uses the familiar "Star Wars'" line: 'I got a bad feeling about this." Gee, were they right! Vinnie, making crap like this is going to ruin your credibility. In fact, the less said about this forgettable film, the better. Peruse the other reviews for more details about this drivel, but don't rent, buy, or watch this wretched rubbish. Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!
"The Number One Girl" is the front runner for worst movie of the year.
I can't hate this movie more if I tried.
The plot is about Joey Scalini (Schiena) who is asked to be a judge in a beauty pageant run by his old friend Dragos Molnar (Jones) who is also a gangster. Joey eventually falls for the title character Tatiana (Lisa McAllister). But Dragos doesn't like that and he goes insane. He closes down the pageant after party and turns it into a fighting ring. Now Joey has to fight Dragos and his bodyguards to the death!
Everything about this movie is absolutely terrible:
The acting: Tony Schiena has put in better work in the Van Damme flick "Wake Of Death" but shows no talent or charisma here. Vinnie Jones needs to get this one off his filmography fast. He's better than Scheina, but not by much.
The pacing and directing: The movie is less than 90 minutes but it feels like an eternity. The directing is filled with static shots of nothing happening. In the pageant scene he's not even trying to cover up the fact that the contestants aren't singing(or acting for that matter).
The fighting: The fight scenes are downright awful. Every move is cut too fast so you can't see what's going on. Seagal's stunt doubles are better than these fighters.
In the end, trust me, you never want to see this... ever!
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