Desperate Housewives (2004–2012)
Sister Mary Bernard: Money can't buy happiness.
Gabrielle: Sure it can! That's just a lie we tell poor people to keep them from rioting.
Mary Alice: Trust is a fragile thing. Once earned, it affords us tremendous freedom. But once trust is lost, it can be impossible to recover. Of course the truth is, we never know who we can trust. Those we're closest to can betray us, and total strangers can come to our rescue. In the end, most people decide to trust only themselves. It really is the simplest way to keep from getting burned.
Julie: When was the last time you had sex?
[Susan stops what she is doing]
Julie: Are you mad that I asked?
Susan: No, I'm just trying to remember.
Tom: I love you because you did the right thing, and I admire your bravery.
Lynette: And I love you because you find ways to compliment me when you could just say, "I told you so."
[They kiss, then Tom says something in sign language]
Lynette: You just signed "I told you so", didn't you?
Tom: You'll never prove it.
[Rex has asked for a divorce in a family restaurant]
Rex: Are we gonna talk about what I said?
Bree: If you think I'm gonna discuss the dissolution of my marriage in a place where the restrooms are labeled Chicks and Dudes, you are out of your mind.
George Williams: Well... I'll see you, Dr. Van De Kamp.
Rex: Please, you're dating my wife. Call me Rex.
Carlos: Hey, Gabby, aren't we breast feeding?
Gabrielle: Oh, honey, if you could swing that one, more power to ya.
Mary Alice: An odd thing happens when we die, our senses vanish. Taste, touch, smell and sound become a distant memory, but our sight? Ah, our sight expands and we can suddenly see the world we left behind so clearly. Of course most of what's visible to the dead could also be seen by the living, if they would only take the time to look.
Carlos: We're not very nice people, are we?
Gabrielle: No. We're not.
Carlos: Aw, when we got married I thought we were gonna be so happy.
Gabrielle: Me too.
Gabrielle: Look on the bright side - at least we're still rich.
Carlos: Thank God for that.
Bree: Girls, you don't understand. This poor kid is scared out of his mind.
Gabrielle: Oh, for God's sake, Bree. You're a woman. Manipulate him. That's what we do.
Bree: But how?
Gabrielle: I don't know. How did you usually manipulate Rex?
[Bree thinks about it, and smiles]
Bree: I love sex. I love everything about it: the sensations, the smells. I especially love the feel of a man. All that muscle and sinew pressed against my body. And then when you add friction. MMMmmmm. The tactile sensation of running my tongue over a man's nipple ever so gently. And then there's the act itself; two bodies becoming one in that final eruption of pleasure. To be honest, the only thing I don't like about sex is the scrotum. I mean obviously it has its practical applications but I'm just not a fan.
Mary Alice: It's a rare man that understands the value of a perfect rose.
Gabrielle: Before we got married we made a deal, remember? No kids.
Carlos: Deals are meant to be renegotiated.
Gabrielle: We're not negotiating my uterus.
Bree: [sighting down the P-08 Luger she has been given] George! This is so much better than an orchid!
Mary Alice: Human beings are designed for many things. Loneliness isn't one of them.
Susan: What are you smiling about?
Mike Delfino: I used to have all these questions about how you got to be the way you are. They were all just answered.
Karl: The heart wants what it wants!
Susan: Yeah, well, my heart wants to hurt you, but I'm able to control myself!
Bree: How could we have all forgotten about this?
Lynette: We didn't exactly forget. It's just usually when the hostess dies, the party is off.
Bree: Okay, now I want you to hold the gun like you're holding a beautiful white dove. Hold it firmly enough that it can't get away, but not so firmly that you can kill it.
John Rowland: What other option do you have? Except return the shoes and get your money back.
Gabrielle: Return the shoes? I can't talk to you when you're hysterical.
Edie: [to Bree] You could have an affair with anyone and you choose the pharmacist? You are such a Republican.
Gabrielle: The way I see it is that good friends support each other after something bad has happened, great friends act as if nothing has happened.
Bree: Well, then, good luck on your remodel.
Gabrielle: The only person more self-centred than me is Carlos, he's so self-centred he doesn't even know how self-centred I am.
Lynette: Do you know what psychological warfare is?
[shakes his head]
Porter Scavo: No?
Lynette: Too bad for you.
Lynette: Hi. My baby-sitter cancelled.
Bree: I've got millions of errands to run so...
Lynette: Please hear me out, this is important. Today I have a chance to join the human race for a few hours - there are actual adults waiting for me with margaritas. Look, I'm in a dress, I have make-up on.
Bree: If it were any other day?
Lynette: Oh, for God's sake, Bree, I'm wearing pantyhose.
Paul Young: [asking about selling the house] Will I have to tell them about my wife's death in the house?
Edie: [applying make-up] Yeah. Legal crap. People get really freaked out by suicides. Hell, I get the willies just standing here.
Paul Young: Is there any other option?
Edie: [applying lipstick] Well, you could say that she shot herself in the house, then crawled out back to die...
Rex: Look at you... going out?
Bree: Not that it's any of your business, but I have a date.
Rex: A date... what kind of date?
Bree: Rex, I don't want to say anything that might upset you. The doctor said any more stress could cause another heart attack.
Bree: It's a romantic date with a single, attractive man and I intend to french the hell out of him.
Bree: [to Rex] Please don't mistake my anal retentiveness for actual affection.
Edie: What the hell kind of street do we live on, anyway?
Bree: [to Rex] When is your midlife crisis going to end, because it's really starting to tick me off!
Rex: So, these "tennis lessons" we're taking, how are we doing?
Bree: My backhand is improving greatly, but you're still having problems with your serve.
Gabrielle: I don't even know who to be angry at.
Father Crowley: Don't be angry, be thankful, children are a gift.
Gabrielle: I don't have time for this crap.
Nora Huntington: You think I'm crazy.
Lynette Scavo: No! You're... colorful. Colorful in a way that might respond to medication.
Bree: [Rex has just admitted that he is a masochist] What the hell did your mother do to you?
Gabrielle: Damn it, John! What's our new rule?
John Rowland: [sadly] Stop pretending we have a future.
Mary Alice: Yes, sooner or later we must all grow up. No-one knows this better than the young.
Julie: [to Susan] I always assumed I'd have sex for the first time before you had it again.
Susan: Every time we went out for pizza you could have said, "Hey, I once killed a man".
John Rowland: This is great. Got tons of homework tonight. It's always easier to concentrate after sex.
Gabrielle: Well, I'm glad I could help. Education's very important.
Gabrielle: Please calm down!
John Rowland: This doesn't make any sense. Okay you love me. I know you love me.
Gabrielle: Love isn't enough. Where would we live? Here? With your roommates? The only decoration in the bathroom is a bong!
John Rowland: We could get our own place.
Gabrielle: How? You're barely making minimum wage!
John Rowland: Okay, sure. We'd be poor at first, but we'd be happy.
Gabrielle: I've tried poor, but happy. Guess what? Wasn't that happy!
Susan: It was an accident, Karl. Edie knows it was an accident, right?
Karl: She knows you could've killed her. As it is, she's got a shattered tibia.
Susan: Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. I sent roses. Did she get the roses?
Karl: Yep, she cut herself with the thorns.
Danielle Van De Kamp: Why can't we ever have normal soups? Like French Onion, or Navy Bean?
Bree Van De Kamp: Well, Danielle, your father is deathly allergic to onions, and I won't even dignify your *navy bean* suggestion with a response.
Bree: Gabby, this is the way I see it, good friends offer to help in a crisis, great friends don't take no for an answer.
Felicia Tilman: Don't look shocked, Martha, makes your face look fat.
Edie: I know who she is. She's a man eating, scum sucking hoe bag.
George Williams: Where are you going Bree?
Bree: I'm taking my champagne and ageing eggs and I'm going.
Bree: Maybe they'll just be happy for you.
Gabrielle: Bree, my friends are models, they're not happy for anyone.
Bree: The photographer's asking if he can get shots of the two of us.
Katherine Mayfair: Wait. I need to talk to you first.
Bree: [Chuckles] I misunderstood the situation, that's all. Can we just leave it at that?
Katherine Mayfair: No, we can't. And do you know why? Because I thought things were going well. I was having fun with you. Obviously... *I* misunderstood. So tell me, was there a straw that broke the camel's back? Or were you planning on killing me all along?
Bree: Here's the thing you need to understand about me and my friends. We each have our niche. Gabrielle's the glamorous one, Susan's the adorable one, Lynette's smart, Edie's... Edie, and I am the domestic one, the organizer, the one that knows that there are three tines on a dessert fork. I'm the one who gets teased for that. That's who *I* am. And that's also who you are.
Katherine Mayfair: So?
Bree: So... I don't really know HOW to be friends with you.
Katherine Mayfair: That's a shame, because I understand you better than all those other women do. I know how following the rules and all observing those little graces make you feel like you're in control. We've both had days where it was either set a beautiful table or curl up in a ball and die.
[Tears welling in her eyes]
Katherine Mayfair: We're the SAME, Bree. And if you think that means we can't be friends, then I'm sorry. But it might also mean we could be BEST friends.
Edie: Maybe we should take a break, you know, see other people.
Mike Delfino: You're telling me this on a day when I'm put in a man's prison?
Edie: Well I said the timing was bad.
Zach Young: Thank you, Mrs. Van De Kamp.
Bree: [turning] For what?
Zach Young: Remembering my mother.
Gabrielle: I want a sexy little convertible! And I want to buy one, right now!
Maserati Saleswoman: I'll go start the paperwork.
Gabrielle: Well, not this one. I... vomited in this one.
[about the kids]
Lynette: Why don't I just put them back in me and cook 'em until they're civilized?
Tom: You'd be cool with that?
Edie: [Susan walks over to Edie deliberately to show off and looks very stylish and beautiful] Wow, get a load of you. You look so pretty. I hardly recognize you.
Susan: Yeah... I have a date... with Mike. We kissed, FYI...
[Susan leaves, leaving Edie with her mouth wide-open]
Edie: [Susan comes back from Mike canceling the date] So, how was the big date?
Susan: Mike had to reschedule.
Edie: Aww... 'cause of the hot girl? With the suitcase? Over there? How devastating for you... FYI!
John Rowland: [John and Gabrielle are lying in her bed together after sex] You know what I don't get?
John Rowland: Why you married Mr. Solis.
Gabrielle: Well, he promised to give me everything I've ever wanted.
John Rowland: Well, did he?
John Rowland: Then... why aren't you happy?
Gabrielle: Turns out I wanted all the wrong things.
John Rowland: So. Do you love him?
Gabrielle: [sighs] I do.
John Rowland: Well, then, why are we here? Why are we doing this?
Gabrielle: Because I don't wanna wake up some morning with a sudden urge to blow my brains out.
Edie: [Susan is modeling at a charity fashion show and walks off the catwalk looking tattered, dress ripped to shreds and humiliated] She never looked better!
[after breaking up with Mike]
Susan: Julie, Mommy needs a hug!
[Bree has told Dr. Goldfine that she's going to ignore all her problems with Rex and stay with him]
Dr. Goldfine: Bree, how does this reconciliation have a chance if the two of you can't be honest about the innermost parts of your lives?
Bree: We're, um, WASPs, Dr. Goldfine. Not acknowledging the elephant in the room is what we do best.
Dr. Goldfine: You'd settle for that - a life filled with repression and denial?
Bree: And dinner parties. Don't forget the dinner parties.
Edie: Well, someone might as well say it... Susan, what the hell have you been smoking?
Susan: There's a good explanation for this, your father broke up with Edie last night.
Julie: You had sex with him the night he broke up with Edie.
Susan: I said it was a good explanation, not a great one.
[Rex has just told Bree about his masochism]
Rex: For God's sake, you promised to be supportive.
Bree: What do you want me to say? My husband likes to wear metal clamps around his nipples. Hooray?
Edie: [Betty and her son Matthew have just moved into the neighborhood] Well, if you need me to come in at any time then, I'll...
Betty Applewhite: [firmly] Edie, we are fine. Thank you.
Paul Young: You know, Julie is a very special girl.
Zach Young: I know.
Paul Young: She could have just about any boy she wants... I think you're a wonderful kid, I do, but you're not that special, Zach, not really.
David: You're not willing to get a divorce, but you're willing to have an affair?
Gabrielle: I said I was Catholic, not a fanatic.
Danielle Van De Kamp: [to Matt Applewhite, who has come into the backyard of the Van De Kamps looking for Caleb while Betty distracts Bree. He doesn't notice Danielle is standing by the pool in a bikini and an open robe, smoking a cigarette, with a big smile on her face] Hello.
Matthew Applewhite: [Startled slightly] Oh, hello.
Danielle Van De Kamp: [Still smiling] Looking for something?
Matthew Applewhite: Uh, yeah. I was looking for you.
Danielle Van De Kamp: [Starts walking towards him] Oh, really?
Matthew Applewhite: Yeah, the day we first met, I thought you were pretty cool.
Danielle Van De Kamp: So I'm wondering when you were going to ask me out.
[as she says this, she walks over to one of the lounge chairs and bends over to straighten out the blanket on it, thus showing her butt to him. She turns her head towards him]
Danielle Van De Kamp: 'Cause I'll say 'yes'.
Gabrielle: I'll send you back to China and you'll be on a rice paddy before the epidural wears off.
Andrew Van De Kamp: Isn't that weird? That's the sound my mom makes when she climaxes!