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The Heartbreak Kid (2007) Poster

Quotes

Eddie Cantrow: This is my dad.

Lila: Oh, hi Dad.

Doc: Nice to meet you, Lila.

Lila: How do you know my name?

Doc: Okay, cat's out of the bag. My son found your panties on the sidewalk and we've been talking about you all week. Eddie, give her back her undies.

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Doc: Now listen to me and listen to me good! When your wife, on her honeymoon, asks you to cock her, you cock her good, God damn it!

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Lila: Fuck me like a black guy, Eddie, come on!

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Martin: I smell something weird down here. Smells like ya'll been hitting the Devil's lettuce.

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[last lines]

Eddie Cantrow: Fuck me.

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Mac: Look, you want to know the secret to a happy marriage? Do what I do. Plaster on a fake smile, plow through the next half century, sit back, relax, and wait for the sweet embrace of death!

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Mac: Happy wife, happy life!

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Doc: So, what's new Eddie? Anything exciting?

Eddie Cantrow: Ah, yeah, we just got those new Nike Sasquatch drivers in the store, so that's been kind of cool.

Doc: Let me rephrase the question. You been crushin' any pussy?

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Martin: Miranda, we are ready to play parcheesi!

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Lila: I wouldn't change a darn thing because it made me who I am today, and do you know who I am today?

Eddie Cantrow: Who are you.

Lila: I'm Mrs. Edmond Cantrow.

Eddie Cantrow: Edward.

Lila: Edward? You didn't tell me that!

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Lila: Oh Grouchy Marx, calm down.

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Eddie Cantrow: Oh, excuse me.

Flamboyant Man: Yeah.

Eddie Cantrow: Hey, are you running this whole thing?

Flamboyant Man: Oh. Sure. Walk up to the first homo you see and assume he's the wedding coordinator, right? Nice.

Eddie Cantrow: No, no. I didn't - I didn't mean that.

Flamboyant Man: Nice stereotype, buddy. Nice.

[the obviously gay wedding coordinator walks up to them]

Wedding Coordinator: [in a sing-song voice] Did I hear someone say "wedding coordinator"? That would be *moi*!

[simpering]

Wedding Coordinator: How can I help you?

[after a pause, the flamboyant man simply walks away]

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10 Year Old Girl: Are you like a widow or something?

Eddie Cantrow: Yeah, I'm a widow. Yeah.

10 Year Old Girl: Sorry.

12 Year Old Twin: He's full of it. He's gay.

Eddie Cantrow: No. I'm not gay.

12 Year Old Twin: Let's play 5 in 5 then.

Eddie Cantrow: What is that?

12 Year Old Twin: It's where I ask you 5 questions in 5 seconds. If you're telling the truth, then you shouldn't have to think.

Eddie Cantrow: [shrugs] Yeah, I don't wanna play your game, sorry.

12 Year Old Twin: Quick - how'd your wife die?

Eddie Cantrow: Murdered.

12 Year Old Twin: How?

Eddie Cantrow: Icepick.

12 Year Old Twin: They get the guy?

Eddie Cantrow: Yeah.

12 Year Old Twin: What was his name?

Eddie Cantrow: Ronald.

12 Year Old Twin: Brad Pitt. Russell Crowe. Who's hotter?

Eddie Cantrow: Brad Pitt.

12 Year Old Twin12 Year Old Twin: [point and laugh victoriously]

Eddie Cantrow: No no, no, I thought you meant who's hotter career-wise...

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Doc: Come on, kid, let's get out of here. Bitches be crazy, you know that.

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Eddie Cantrow: Hey, Martin!

Martin: Hello, asshole.

Eddie Cantrow: Great to see you too!

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Eddie Cantrow: [to the 12 Year Old Twins] You know what? Why don't you take your little Human Genome Project and hit the road. Homophobic hobbits.

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Eddie Cantrow: You're in debt? What kind of debt?

Lila: You know, the kind where you owe a lot of money to people.

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Eddie Cantrow: I love sports. In fact, I even lost my virginity on a baseball diamond.

Buzz: Oh, you're too much. Really?

Eddie Cantrow: Yeah, yeah. A couple of the older kids pushed down and -

[growls]

Eddie Cantrow: [everyone stops laughing]

Eddie Cantrow: It was not pretty.

[pause]

Gayla: Did you file charges?

Eddie Cantrow: No, I...

Miranda: He was making a joke, Gayla.

Deborah: About anal rape...?

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Eddie Cantrow: [about Lila] She doesn't have a great sense of humor.

Doc: Are you out of your mind? Funny's a male gene, you idiot. Haven't you ever noticed whenever you see a really funny girl, she's a little mannish? Think about it. Lily Tomlin, Ellen DeGeneres, Rosie O'Donnell...

Mac: Oh, I got a thing for Ellen DeGeneres though. I do, I have to admit it. I think she's great, I think she's hot. Great ass. Check it out.

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Eddie Cantrow: Hey, uh, do you think you could tell me where I could find Uncle Tito?

Tito: Yes. Uh, may I ask who's inquiring?

Eddie Cantrow: Yeah, my name's Eddie Cantrow and I'm a friend of a friend of his. I'm supposed to give him something.

Tito: I'm sorry to tell you this, but he no longer works here. He's actually in jail, serving six to ten years. He was caught having cock-fights. And I'm not speaking about the kind of rooster.

Eddie Cantrow: Oh.

Tito: Screw off! I'm joking, man! C'mon! I am Uncle Tito.

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Doc: Remember, this is the Bible Belt. These people have guns.

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[repeated line]

Tito: Screw off! I'm joking, man!

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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