Bree: I got a phone call last night from a juvenile inmate of the New York prison system. He claimed to be Stanley's son.
Margaret: No third-person.
Bree: My son.
Elizabeth Osbourne: Look at your life. You've never been able to stick to a decision. I mean, 10 years of college and not a single degree. How do you know you won't change your mind about this, too?
Bree Osbourne: Because I know.
Elizabeth Osbourne: Don't do this awful thing to yourself, please. I miss my son.
Bree Osbourne: Mom, you never had a son.
Elizabeth Osbourne: [crying] How can you say such a thing?
Bree Osbourne: Now you know how I felt when you hired those private detectives.
Elizabeth Osbourne: [crying] We only tried to do the best for you.
Bree Osbourne: Is that why you tried to have me committed?
Elizabeth Osbourne: [shouting] You tried to kill yourself!
Bree Osbourne: Because you tried to have me committed!
Elizabeth Osbourne: I don't know why you have to be so emotional.
Bree Osbourne: [shouting] I am not emotional!
Bree Osbourne: God, my cycle's all out of whack.
Elizabeth Osbourne: You don't have cycles!
Bree Osbourne: Hormones are hormones. Yours and mine just happen to come in purple little pills.
Bree Osbourne: My body may be a work-in-progress, but there is nothing wrong with my soul.
Bree Osbourne: [Getting ready to face her parents] Shit. I mean darn. No, I mean shit.
Bree Osbourne: Just because a person doesn't go around blabbing her entire biological history to everyone she meets doesn't make her a liar.
Dr. Spikowsky: How do you feel about your penis?
Bree Osbourne: [giving up] It disgusts me. I don't even like looking at it.
Dr. Spikowsky: What about friends?
Bree Osbourne: They don't like it either.
Dr. Spikowsky: No, I mean do you have the support of friends?
Bree Osbourne: I'm very close to my therapist.
Dr. Spikowsky: What about your family?
Bree Osbourne: My family is dead.
[Bree gestures at heart, crying]
Bree Osbourne: It hurts.
Margaret: Oh, honey, that's what hearts do.
[the Hitchhiker steals Bree's car]
Toby: Oh shit!
Bree Osbourne: My purse. My hormones! You dirty motherfucking hippie!
Toby: My dog book was in that car.
Toby: I'm out of cigarettes.
Bree Osbourne: Quel dommage.
Toby: What's quel dommage mean?
Bree Osbourne: It means you're not getting any cigarettes.
Taylor's Father: [after Toby and Taylor are caught making out in a diner] You better watch him before he gets some poor innocent girl in trouble!
Bree Osbourne: Yeah, well make sure she doesn't ruin some poor innocent boy's life!
Toby: You're gonna cut your dick off for Jesus?
Bree Osbourne: They don't "cut it off!" It just becomes an innie instead of an outtie.
Sydney: There's this scruffy looking kid outside. If he's your boyfriend, I'm totally going to slit my wrists.
Elizabeth Osbourne: That dirty-looking boy who came to the door a second ago is your boyfriend? How old is he?
Bree Osbourne: 17.
Elizabeth Osbourne: Oh, my God, Murray, he's underage!
Bree Osbourne: Mom, he's my son.
Calvin: [when Bree coughs after drinking mescal] That'll put hair on your chest.
Bree Osbourne: [clasps hands as if praying] Hope not.
Transman at party: We walk among you.
Bree Osbourne: Eat your vegetables
Toby: [Toby starts eating with his hands]
Bree Osbourne: And might wanna use a fork. Just an idea.
Murray: Your mother and I both love you.
Elizabeth Osbourne: But we don't respect you!
Bree Osbourne: Fasten your seatbelt.
Toby: I don't like wearing them.
Bree Osbourne: Well I don't like the idea of seeing your internal organs splattered all over the dashboard if we get into a wreck, God forbid, so put it on.
Toby: And these shoes. Three dollars, a dollar fifty each. You know how much these things are worth in Japan?
Bree Osbourne: Three dollars?
Toby: Like 500 dollars. Japanese people kill for old Nikes.
Bree Osbourne: Then you probably should avoid wearing them in Japan.
Toby: Yeah, I'd probably be, like, disemboweled by a ninja.
Bree Osbourne: You don't have to say "like". "Probably disemboweled by a ninja" is sufficient. And please don't put your feet up on the dashboard.
Wayne: School's gonna be closing in about fifteen minutes.
Toby: Wayne, this is really hard. Do you think you could give me a hand?
Wayne: Sure - what subject?
Toby: [Toby stands, pushes down his surfer shorts] Sex education.
Toby: Did you know that the Lord of the Rings is gay?
Bree Osbourne: I beg your pardon.
Toby: There's this big, black tower, right? And it points right at this huge burning vagina thing, and it's like the symbol of ultimate evil. And then Sam and Frodo have to go to this cave and deposit their magic ring into this hot, steaming lava pit. Only at the last minute, Frodo can't perform, so Gollum bites of his finger. Gay.
[discovering that her son is a frog-stealing, drug addicted prostitute]
Bree Osbourne: How much is the bail?
NYC Cop: Bail is set at one dollar.
Bree Osbourne: I can't possible afford... one dollar?
Hitchhiker: I'm a Level 4 Vegan: I don't eat anything that casts a shadow.
Bree Osbourne: Jesus made me this way so I could suffer and be reborn the way he wanted me!