The 40-Year-Old Virgin (2005)
Mooj: Hey Andy, don't let him bother you. It's okay not to have sex. Not eveybody's a pussy magnet. You, uh, what are you, 25?
Andy Stitzer: I'm 40.
Mooj: Holy shit, man, you got to get on that!
Cal: You're gay, now?
David: No, I'm not gay. I'm just celibate.
Cal: I think... I mean, that sounds gay. I just want you to know this is, like, the first conversation of, like, three conversations that leads to you being gay. Like, there's this and then in a year it's like, "Oh, you know, I'm kinda gonna want to get back out there, but I think I like guys," and then there's the big, "Oh, I'm... I'm... I'm a gay guy now."
David: You're gay for saying that.
Cal: I'm gay for saying that?
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How? How do you know I'm gay?
David: Because you macramed yourself a pair of jean shorts.
Cal: You know how I know *you're* gay? You just told me you're not sleeping with women any more.
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How? Cause you're gay? And you can tell who other gay people are?
David: You know how I know you're gay?
David: You like Coldplay.
Jill: Are you Andy?
Andy Stitzer: Uh... yeah.
Jill: [holds up Jay's card] Is this yours? Did you write this stuff?
Jay: My girlfriend Jill found *your* speed dating card.
[raises his eyebrows]
Andy Stitzer: [Covering] Oh! Yeah... right. God, I've been looking for that speed dating card. Thank you so much for bringing it to me.
Jill: So you actually wrote that one girl looked like she was "hurtin' for a squirtin'"?
Andy Stitzer: [Stunned] Mmm-hmm... yeah, "hurtin' for a squirtin'". Yeah, I wrote that.
Jill: Oh, so you wrote, "ho fo' sho'".
Andy Stitzer: [Embarrassed] Yeah, I remember that girl. She was a ho... for sho'.
Jill: You are never going to meet anyone with that kind of mentality about women, you sick son of a bitch!
Andy Stitzer: Who the... Who the fuck are you to put me on trial? I've never even met you. So why don't you back the shit off, all right? And stop with the inquisition.
Jill: That's how you talk?
Andy Stitzer: You know what? I don't have to answer to you, you ain't my bitch! Know what I sayin'? So, shit, man... fuck it!
Jill: [to Jay] You shouldn't even be hanging out with this pervert.
Jay: I don't hang out with him! I work with him and that's it! I tried to introduce him to a few nice people, he made a fool of himself. I don't mess with him, baby. That's not me.
Andy Stitzer: You should keep your ho on a leash.
Jay: Oh, bro, I can't let you talk...
Andy Stitzer: Hey!
Jay: I can't let you be talking to my woman that way, dawg.
Andy Stitzer: Hey, hey! Bitch's running wild, man.
David: [to a shirtless Andy, who has an incredibly hairy chest] I love your sweater. Does that come in a V-neck?
Beth: [Andy is following Cal's advice to only ask questions when talking to a woman] Can I help you?
Andy Stitzer: I don't know. Can you?
Beth: Are you looking for something?
Andy Stitzer: Is there something I should be looking for?
Beth: We have a lot of books, so maybe it depends on what you like.
Andy Stitzer: What, um, what do you like?
Beth: We have a great section of do-it-yourself.
Andy Stitzer: Do you like to do it yourself?
Beth: [giggles] Sometimes... if, um, the mood strikes!
Andy Stitzer: How is the mood striking you now?
Beth: [they both laugh] What's your name?
Andy Stitzer: What's your name?
Beth: I'm Beth.
Andy Stitzer: Andy.
Beth: Andy... Don't tell on me, okay Andy?
Andy Stitzer: I won't... unless you want to be told on, Beth.
Andy Stitzer: You know how when you grab a woman's breast... it feels like... a bag of sand.
[the waxing lady is putting the first coat of wax on Andy's chest]
Cal: If she starts waxing his pubes, I'm outta here.
Cal: Oh, man, I had a weekend.
Andy Stitzer: Yeah?
Cal: We went to Tijuana, Mexico, you know? And we thought it would be fun, you know, to go to a show. Everybody says you gotta check out one of these shows. And... it's a woman fuckin' a horse. We get there and we think it's gonna be awesome and... it is not as cool as it sounds like it's gonna be. It's kinda gross.
Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
Cal: You think "A woman fuckin' a horse" and you get there and... it's a woman fucking a horse.
Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
Cal: It was really giving it to her. And you know what? To be honest I just felt bad for her, we all just felt bad for her.
Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
Cal: I kinda felt bad for the horse!
Andy Stitzer: Wow, that's something.
Cal: So what about you? What did you get up to?
Andy Stitzer: You know, I just kinda hung out. I was...
Andy Stitzer: Oh man, Friday, I really wanted an egg salad sandwich and I was just obsessing about it and I was like, 'Man, I'm gonna make one of those.' So Saturday, I went out and got, like, a dozen eggs and then I boiled them all and I just, I spent, I dunno, probably three hours, like three and a half hours making, you know, the mayonnaise, and the onions and paprika and, you know, the necessary accoutrement. And then, by the time I was done, I didn't really feel like like eating it.
Cal: I can imagine.
Andy Stitzer: And I didn't have any bread.
Andy Stitzer: So you know, it was pretty good. It was a good weekend.
Cal: Sounds pretty awesome.
Andy Stitzer: Yeah, it was fine.
Cal: Sounds really fun.
Cal: Cool... Cool cool.
Cal: [Andy turns away and Cal mimics blowing his own brains out with a finger pistol]
Andy Stitzer: Is it true that if you don't *use* it, you *lose* it?
Health Clinic Counselor: Is that a serious question?
Andy Stitzer: No, it wasn't.
Cal: [talking about Trish being a grandma] You should fuck her and then have her send you $12 on your birthday.
Health Clinic Counselor: Now, there are ways of having sex without intercourse. Let's see, there are things like body rubbing or dry humping.
Andy Stitzer: You could dry hump.
Health Clinic Counselor: There's masturbation.
Andy Stitzer: Masturbation. Play with yourself.
Health Clinic Counselor: Mutual masturbation.
Andy Stitzer: Play with a friend.
Jay: [to Mooj] Why you always telling me to go fuck a goat?
Mooj: Life is about people. It's about connections.
Andy Stitzer: It's all about connections.
Mooj: It's not about cocks, and ass, and tits.
Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
Mooj: And butthole pleasures.
Andy Stitzer: It's not about butthole pleasures at all.
Mooj: It's not about these rusty trombones, and these dirty sanchez.
Andy Stitzer: Please stop.
Mooj: And these cincinatti bowties, and these pussy juice cocktail, and these shit stained balls.
Andy Stitzer: Mooj, just please stop.
Mooj: Everybody dick look big on 60-inch TV, my sister's dick look big on TV.
Jay: [watching "Dawn of the Dead" on a number of giant-screen TVs in excitement] Fuck that nigga up!... Bitch, get out the room! BITCH, GET OUT THE ROOM!
Andy Stitzer: [after partial chest wax] This is not a good look for me!
Jay: [to Andy, in a bar] All you got to do is use your instincts. How do you think a lion knows to tackle a gazelle? It's written, it's a code written in his DNA, says, "Tackle the gazelle." And believe it or not, in every man there's a code written that says, "Tackle drunk bitches."
Cal: I hired a 90-lb girl to work in the stock room at Smart Tech for you, okay? I should've hired a 300-lb guy to lift the 60-inch flat screen, but instead I hired a hot girl who can't lift an iPod to bring you out of your funk.
Boy at Health Clinic: Wait, so you're a virgin? I'd tap that.
Dad at Health Clinic: Oh, yeah, you'd 'tap that.' What, Seth, you think you're cool with your little Jew Fro? We don't say 'tap that.' What are you talking about, Seth?
Andy Stitzer: You know what? I'm a virgin too.
Dad at Health Clinic: We're virgins too.
Boy at Health Clinic: Yeah.
[high five's dad]
Andy Stitzer: No, you know what? It's a personal choice and I don't think it's weird at all.
Dad at Health Clinic: You know what your problem is? You're putting the pussy on a pedestal.
David: [watching The Bourne Identity] Y'know, I always thought that Matt Damon was like a Streisand, but he's rocking the shit in this one!
Nicky: I'm starvin... let's get some fuckin french toast!
Andy Stitzer: I just don't want a big box of porn in my apartment.
David: There's some really great stuff in here. Really great movies in here, man. Hey, did you ever see School of Rock?
Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
David: Well, this is... It's called School of... You know...
Andy Stitzer: That's nice.
David: But it stars Jack Black Cock.
Andy Stitzer: That makes sense.
Paula: [Discussing what to do while spending a week stoned] I'll probably re-watch "Gandhi".
Cal: "Gandhi" baked is good. I always feel bad when I watch it baked because I get really hungry and I'm eating a lot and poor Gandhi is starving his ass off.
Haziz: Do you know how I know you're gay? Because you are holding each other ever so gently.
Jay: He sold his old toys for over half a million dollars! We gotta get some fucking toys!
Mooj: [to Jay] Tell me something, when your child is born, is he already on parole?
Andy Stitzer: Take your porn with you.
David: I'm not taking it.
Andy Stitzer: [following David to the front door] Take your box o' porn!
David: It's my gift to you.
Andy Stitzer: No, I don't want it. David it's not... just... just...
David: [shouting] Andy for the last time, I don't want your giant box of pornography!
Andy Stitzer: No no no, just- Come on man! So uncool!
David: Uncool? Uncool is trying to give an honest man a big box of porn, Andy!
Jay: Dude, it's not a big deal that you like to fuck guys. I'm cool, I got friends who fuck guys... in jail.
[about how he knew the prostitute was really a transvestite]
Andy Stitzer: She had hands as big as Andre the Giant's, and she had an Adam's apple as big as her balls.
Cal: You've gotta wait till the seed grows into a plant. Then you've gotta fuck the plant.
Waxing Lady: Oh!
Waxing Lady: We gonna need more wax!
Waxing Lady: And cancel all my afternoon appointments!
Smart Tech Customer: Wait, wait, wait, last thing, last thing. I'm also gonna need that extended warranty on it for the price of... on the house. Hmm?
Jay: That I can't do...
Smart Tech Customer: Now, don't be a negro, be my nigga. Help me out.
Jay: Whoa, whoa, whoa... I ain't nobody's nigga.
Smart Tech Customer: Well, you somebody's nigga, wearin this nigga tie.
Jay: Now you're being condescending, see? You've been warned, 'aight? Now, let's move forward amicably.
Smart Tech Customer: Well, 'aight, check this out, dawg. First of all, you throwin' too many big words at me, and because I don't understand them, I'm gonna take 'em as disrespect. Watch your mouth and help me with the sale.
Jay: Okay, see... see, now you found yourself a nigga. You was lookin' for a nigga? Nigga here now!
Haziz: So tell me something Montell... Why were we not invited to your party? Are we Al Qaeda?
Jay: Whoa first of all it's not that kind of party.
Mooj: You know what? We are not coming to your fucking party okay? Fuck you! Go fuck a goat!
Jay: It's not that kind of party dawg
Mooj: Fuck you! Go fuck a goat
Jay: Hey why you always telling me to go fuck a goat man?
Mooj: [Yelling as he walks away] Fuck a goat!
[having his belly hair waxed]
Andy Stitzer: [yells] Yooooooooow, Kelly Clarkson!
Andy Stitzer: You guys, she's picking me up in an hour.
David: Oh, drag, dude.
Cal: She's picking you up from here?
Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
Cal: That's fucked up, man.
Andy Stitzer: Why?
Cal: Why? Seriously. I mean, look at this place, man. You gotta see this through the eyes of a woman, you know? What is she going to think when she comes in here? Look. He's got a billion toys.
Andy Stitzer: So what?
Cal: And more video games than a teenaged Asian kid.
Andy Stitzer: Okay.
Cal: [Pointing to an action figure on a shelf] Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's boss?
Andy Stitzer: That's Oscar Goldman.
Cal: Why do you have that?
Andy Stitzer: That's worth a lot of money. That's much more valuable than Steve Austin.
Cal: Well, that may be the case. But none of this shit is sexy, okay?
Andy Stitzer: I'm not trying to be sexy, man.
Cal: [Pointing to a framed poster] I mean, seriously, Asia? You framed an Asia poster? How hard did the people at the frame store laugh when you brought this in?
Andy Stitzer: They did not laugh at me.
David: Know why you're gay? Because you like Asia.
Andy Stitzer: You guys cool it with the gay. You know, she's on her way over here, okay?
Cal: First, you relax, okay?
Andy Stitzer: Just stop calming me down and tell me what I should do.
Cal: Okay, we just take everything that's embarrassing and we move it out of here so it doesn't look like you live in Neverland Ranch.
[Trish shows up at Andy's door and the entire apartment looks abandoned]
David: [the same Michael McDonald sampler DVD has been playing on all of the television screens for the last two years] If I have to hear "Yamo Be There" one more time, I'm going to "Yamo" burn this place to the ground.
Andy Stitzer: [pretending to talk to Trish] Really? All your girlfriends wanted to have sex with virgins, too? That's funny... I didn't even know you girls talked like that. I think my first time might be your best time, too. Well, I knew it. You know what? I knew that you'd react that way and I knew that you would want to lead me through my first sexual encounter will all the compassion and care that someone would give to their soulmate.
Andy Stitzer: Oh my God, I'm in trouble.
Beth: We could do it in the... butt, if you want.
Andy Stitzer: But if I want what?
Beth: You know... butt!
Andy Stitzer: But... what?
Smart Tech Customer: This shit just got real!
Jay: What are you gonna do, bitch?
Smart Tech Customer: I'll tell you what. You know Luca Perry from 20th and 25th?
Jay: You ever heard of rolling twenties, nigga? Since I was sixteen, nigga, I'm saying "frosty." You know what I'm saying? "Spoon", nigga. We fucked dwarves in the ass!
Smart Tech Customer: Nigga, this dwarf here don't got to be tall to pull a trigger off in somebody face!
Andy Stitzer: [walks up quickly] Good afternoon! Good afternoon! Welcome to Smart Tech. What can I help you with?
Smart Tech Customer: [points at Jay] Is this your boy?
Jay: Yeah, nigga, we will both mash you! What? What? Where you at?
Andy Stitzer: Hey, how can we help you, sir?
Jay: No, no, he don't need no help! He's already been served. I served him. He's taken care of. He's a little slow, but he got it. See, what he thought was he can come up here and make the rules. But now, he see that Jay make the rules at Smart Tech, that I run this bitch, and now he 'bout to bounce!
Smart Tech Customer: This your boy?
Jay: Yeah, nigga, that's my boy. We rep the same Smart Tech.
Smart Tech Customer: [points at Andy] You just got fucked up with him. Both ya'll niggas gonna get clapped up when I get back.
[pretends to shoot two guns at them]
Smart Tech Customer: Both ya'll niggas!
Andy Stitzer: What? What did I do?
Smart Tech Customer: It don't fucking matter!
Jay: Yeah, well, aim high, Willis. Aim high!
Cal: Listen, when I was growing pot, I realized that the more seeds I planted, the more pot I could ultimately smoke.
Andy Stitzer: I think I've got all the advice I can handle right now.
Cal: Don't get bitter.
Andy Stitzer: I'm not getting bitter. I almost lost a nipple, okay?
Cal: That was Jay's idea, and I wasn't going to say anything, but waxing your chest is the gayest thing you could possibly do. Look at me: looks are not important. *Really* look at me. I am ugly as fuck by traditional standards, but, I get with women. Aren't you curious as to how that's possible?
Andy Stitzer: I am not ugly as fuck.
Cal: I didn't say you were ugly as fuck.
Andy Stitzer: Well, you implied it.
Cal: Okay, okay, it doesn't matter if you're ugly as fuck, or you're ugly as shit. It's about *talking* to women, and I know how to do that because I observe, because I am a novelist.
Andy Stitzer: What? You never told me that before.
Cal: That's because I'm not an arrogant prick, Andy.
[while Jay and the Customer are arguing]
Haziz: Today's forecast? Dark and cloudy, and chance of drive-by.
Beth: I'd like to introduce you to my friend.
[Shows him a vibrating shower head]
Andy Stitzer: Your friend is so shiny.
Andy Stitzer: [Watching Beth masturbate in the tub] Wow. This is graphic.
Mooj: Rich man gets off work, then buys stereo. Not after fucking brunch!
Andy Stitzer: You know what? I respect women! I love women! I respect them so much that I completely stay away from them!
Paula: [of David's video camera antics] He's performing a public colonoscopy. Isn't that sweet?
Jay: Listen to me, listen to me. You're fucking with the wrong nigga!
Mooj: Hey, hey! You're fucking with the wrong sand nigga!
Boy at Health Clinic: Hey, do you have any extra large condoms?
Dad at Health Clinic: Oh, Seth, please! You have a tiny penis...
Cal: [regarding Andy's girlfriend as a grandmother] You can fuck her while watching "Murder, She Wrote". She'll like that
Paula: [translation of her Guatamalan love song] Whenever they clean my room I can't find anything. Where are you going with such haste? To a football game.
Andy Stitzer: [talking to himself, whilst riding his bicycle] Yeah, well, virgin's not a dirty word. You know what's a dirty word, is asshole, and that's what you guys are. You know, I may not have had sex, but I could fuck you up.
Andy Stitzer: This doesn't feel right.
Jay: Of course it don't feel right! What has felt right for you doesn't work! You need to try some wrong, dawg.
Andy Stitzer: [after getting a strip of wax ripped from his chest] AAAH! FUCK ME IN THE ASSHOLE!
Andy Stitzer: I need some poon! I need genital to genital connections!
Joe: Hey Andy! What's up, dude?
Andy Stitzer: Hey Joe. Hey Sara. How you doing?
Joe: When you gonna get a car?
Haziz: [David is speaking to Andy] Hey, Will and Grace. Back to work!
David: Hey, Haziz, could you give us a minute? We're kind of in the middle of something here.
Haziz: Hey. I'm on my break.
David: Fuck off, Haziz. Leave us alone, will you?
Haziz: Fuck off? Fuck you!
David: Fuck you!
Haziz: Fuck you.
David: Fuck off!
Haziz: Fuck off.
David: I'm gonna kick you in the nuts, asshole.
Haziz: Hey, hey, hey! Watch the language, okay? I have a family.
David: Watch how you talk to me!
Haziz: Hey, Bambi, it's a free country. I can smoke out here if I want.
David: Smoke my pole!
Haziz: You are a very unkind man!
David: Get inside!
Haziz: [heading inside] This is not professional! Paula! This asshole over here... Paula!
David: I just want to get drunk, *fucked up*, and play some cards!
Cal: [of his first thoughts on Andy] I kinda thought you were a serial killer.
Andy Stitzer: Oh.
Cal: No, I'm serious.
Andy Stitzer: [arguing with David] I have a very fulfilling life!
[cuts to Andy playing the Tuba]
Andy Stitzer: [cuts to Andy painting one of his soldier toy figures] Now, I'm going to make your silver pants, blue!
Andy Stitzer: [cuts to Andy playing a Tony Hawk Pro Skater game in his control chair] Get some roadburn! COME ON SUCKER!
Andy Stitzer: [cuts to Andy singing on a kareoke machine] "Now pretty ladies, around the word. Got a
Andy Stitzer: 'Weird' thing to show ya"
Andy Stitzer: [cuts to Andy reading a comic book]
Andy Stitzer: Oh my god...
[cuts to Andy playing the Tuba again]
Cal: That's a good looking grandma! My grandma looks like Jack Palance.
Andy Stitzer: Well, she's no Jack Palance.
Cal: No. If Jack Palance looked like that lady I would want to fuck Jack Palance right now.
David: [David talking about his ex girlfriend] Yeah... she's adorable... fuckin' bitch.
Andy Stitzer: [while getting his chest waxed] Ooh! Como se llama!
Paula: Andy. Have you ever heard of the term... 'Fuck Buddy?'
Andy Stitzer: No... What's that?
Paula: Well, it's a special... friend... who you fuck.
Cal: [looking at Andy's action figures] Is that the Six Million Dollar Man's boss?
Paula: [propositioning Andy to be her 'friend with benefits'] I'm very discreet... but I will haunt your dreams.
Andy Stitzer: [after having wax ripped the hair from his nipple] Oh, nipplefuck!
Trish: I'm throwing myself at you and all you can think about are fucking toys.
Andy Stitzer: They're not fucking toys! This is Ironman, okay?
Jay: From now on, your dick is my dick. I'm gonna get you some pussy.
Jay: Andy, it's going down, partner. We're gonna be...
Jay: This for you, partner, this for you.
[Pans to video of girls in bathing suits]
Jay: Waves of them coming at you on Friday, Saturday. By Sunday, your nuts gonna be drained!
Smart Tech Customer: [points to a TV playing a Michael McDonald DVD] If I get the set, will you throw in the DVD?
David: Tell you what. You *don't* get the set and I'll throw in the DVD.
Andy Stitzer: Why'd you cheat on her?
Jay: [sobbing violently] Because I'm insecure! You can't tell?
Haziz: [to Jay] So, tell me, Montel. Why weren't we invited to the party? What are we, Al Qaeda?
David: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: Because you're gay so you can tell who the gay people are.
Jay: [after seeing someone get slaughtered in a movie on the widescreen TV displays] Woah! Fuck that nigga up!
David: You know how I know you're gay? You have a rainbow bumper sticker on your car that says, "I like it when balls are in my face."
Cal: That's gay?
David: Hey, Paula.
David: I gotta tell you something. I'm really excited about it. Uh, for the first time today, I woke up, I came to the store, and I feel confident to say to you that if you don't take this Michael McDonald DVD that you've been playing for two years straight off, I'm going to kill everyone in the store and put a bullet in my brain.
Paula: David, what do you suggest we play?
David: I don't care. Anything. I would rather... I would rather watch "Beautician and the Beast". I would rather listen to Fran Drescher for eight hours than have to listen to Michael McDonald. Nothing against him, but if I hear "Yah Mo B There" one more time, I'm going to "Yah Mo" burn this place to the ground.
Paula: You're such a smartass. Get back on the floor.
[Paula walks away]
David: [cough-mutters] Ah-fuck you!
Andy Stitzer: [looking at an anatomy model of a vagina] Where do you put the penis?
[about Andy telling Trish he's a virgin]
Andy Stitzer: What if she laughs at me?
Cal: Then you punch her in the fucking head.
Andy Stitzer: [Andy just hit a billboard truck on his bike and crashed through it] There were two sides to that billboard, and they both hurt equally.
Andy Stitzer: [after his co-workers figure out that he's a virgin, he tries to deny it] You guys... are up... your... asses.
Andy Stitzer: I hope you have a big trunk... because I'm puttin' my bike in it.
Andy Stitzer: Is this shirt too yellow?
Cal: Tell me, what's Curious George like in real life?
Andy Stitzer: [just had chest hair ripped off by waxing lady] Fuuuuck! I *hate* you!
Waxing Lady: Sorry.
Andy Stitzer: [calms down very quickly] Gosh, I am so sorry. I usually don't curse.
Andy Stitzer: [about Beth] That woman scares the shit out of me!
Andy Stitzer: I should pull up the hardwood to see if there's carpet underneath.
Andy Stitzer: No. That's never the case.
Andy Stitzer: [defending himself from Trish's comments on him riding a bicycle] Einstein rode a bike!
Trish: He had a wife, who he fucked, by the way!
Andy Stitzer: [while getting his chest waxed] Aaaah, I hate you! Stop smiling, you jerk!
Cal: You know what's a fun game? Take 3 Excedrin PM's and see if you can whack off before you fall asleep. You always win, that's the best part about the game.
Health Clinic Counselor: Oral sex play...
Boy at Health Clinic: Sounds like my Friday night.
Dad at Health Clinic: Oh, shut up Seth, we went to temple.
[from the deleted scene]
David: Know how I know you're gay?
Cal: How am I gay?
David: You've seen Rent *three* times.
Trish: What is this, your roofie, your date drug?
Andy Stitzer: It's a mentos. They're the freshmaker.
Andy Stitzer: [Calling to Trish, who is out of the room] Do you mind if I use your, uh, magnum?
Trish: [From the other room. Excited] Umm... Yeah!
Andy Stitzer: [stretches condom over arm] Wow.
[while watching Jay's girlfriend's ultrasound]
Andy Stitzer: Is this the movie about babies that are geniuses?
Andy Stitzer: [drunk] You know the thing about relationships is that they make one person go, "Blah blah blah blah blah," and the other person go, "What are you talking about?" And then one person goes, "Blah blah blah blah blah."
Cal: How much have you had to drink, man?
Andy Stitzer: Oh, how much have I had to drink? Hey, how many pots have you smoken?
Cal: What are you talking about?
Andy Stitzer: Oh, how many times have you gone to the bathroom in your life? Let me ask you that. You know what, you don't have an answer for that, do you? Who the fuck you, man? I'm sorry. No, no, no, no, you're such a good guy, and I appreciate you.
Andy Stitzer: [motioning to David's box of porn] I don't want this stuff, okay? Because I don't do that, that much.
David: What, masturbate?
Andy Stitzer: Yeah.
David: Dude, I've jacked it twice since I've been here. Are you kidding me? Why not?
Andy Stitzer: It's not a hobby of mine.
David: Well, then, that's the only hobby you don't have.
Mooj: [upon hearing about Andy's promotion] This is the bullshit of all bullshit! Scumbag! Ass-kisser!
David: Did you just flick me in the balls?
Cal: No. I flicked you in the fleshy patch where your balls used to be.
David: Here it is - Boner Jams '03. It's a mixtape of all my favorite boner scenes in the summer of 2003.
David: I dated this woman... wait. Lemme rephrase that. I dated this whore for like two years... and she stomped all over my heart.
David: [referring to a sonogram] It looks like the Doppler radar.
Nicky: [after being sick in Andy's face] I'm sorry. I'll still have sex with you if you want.
Andy Stitzer: That's OK.
Mooj: [talking to a customer] This is a great TV. Nothing beats a plasma.
Jay: What are you doing? That's my customer.
Mooj: It certainly is not. When I came upon her, she was unattended
Jay: No, no, that's my... She was unattended because I went to the back to get the brochure she requested.
Mooj: I apologize, but it's too late. The transaction is completed.
Jay: Then you gonna give me half the commission.
Mooj: You will receive none of the commission.
Jay: I need to talk to Paula. This is crazy, man!
Mooj: This is bullshit! Every time I make a sale, you go crying to Paula. How about... how about Jesse Jackson? Oh, Jesse, he needs a call...
Jay: I'm sick of you poaching my customers.
Mooj: I'm sick of your crybaby bullshit!
Jay: You wanna take this shit outside? You wanna just take it outside and just squash it?
Mooj: Let's stay inside so everybody can see what a pussy you have, okay? Because when I remove the blade I keep in my boot from its sheath, I cannot return it until it has spilt blood.
Jay: Listen to me, listen to me! You are fucking with the wrong nigger.
Mooj: Hey, hey! You are fucking with the wrong sand nigger, okay?
Jay: I will hang your old ass by your turban!
Mooj: [Mooj has a very definite Indian accent] Oh, turban, now! Do you see any fucking turban here? Do I talk like a turban guy? Do I say, "Hey, Jay, you want a slurpee? You want a slurpee?" Fuck you, okay? I was born in Brooklyn. Brooklyn, okay? My accent is a fucking Brooklyn accent, okay? Okay?
Jay: All right, man. Calm down, dude! Look... you still covering my shift on Friday or what?
Mooj: If I can keep this commission... with pleasure.
Jay: Cool, man. All right, pops.
[They hug; Jay leaves]
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
David: You like the movie "Maid in Manhattan".
Cal: You know how I know you're gay?
Cal: I saw you make a spinach dip in a loaf of sourdough bread once.
David: You know how I know that you're gay?
David: You have a rainbow bumpersticker on your car that says, "I love it when balls are in my face".
Cal: That's gay?
David: [David loses second match] Goddamnit!
Cal: [Shows screen shot of a Mortal Kombat video game] I'm ripping your head off right now. It's off, and now I'm throwing it at your body.
Cal: [David's character explodes] Fuck you!
Cal: The problem most men have is they don't know how to talk to women.
Andy Stitzer: You know what my problem is? I am not interesting. What am I supposed to say? I went to magic camp? That I'm an accomplished ventriloquist? Oh, I *am* the Seventh Degree Imperial Yo-Yo Master. "Ooh, do me, Yo-Yo Master, I want you to do me cause you're the yo-yo guy!"
Trish: [phone rings] Hello?
Andy Stitzer: Hey, how you doing?
Trish: Um... how you doing?
Andy Stitzer: I'm well.
Trish: Who is this?
Andy Stitzer: This is... James.
[hits himself with the phone]
Trish: James? Do I know you, James?
Andy Stitzer: [stammering] I was wondering whether you had a few minutes to talk about a little laundry detergent.
Trish: Are you a telemarketer, James?
Andy Stitzer: Yep.
Trish: Are you at the top of a tall building? Can you get to a roof quickly? Jump off! I mean, you people are sick. Get a real fucking job, why don't you? Go shoot yourself in the fucking head! Hey, why don't you just, you know, get a knife and run into it? Why don't you do that, huh?
Andy Stitzer: Okay.
Trish: All right, I'll see you later, James.
Andy Stitzer: Nice to talk to you.
Trish: Fuck your mother, okay? Bye-bye.
Cal: [Angrily] You need to stop fucking around with my friend, okay? Because you're giving him hope, and it's driving the man crazy!
Amy: I moved, I changed my email address, my phone number. Okay? He's practically stalking me.
Cal: [Still trying to act angry] Well... I didn't know all that. So, I'm sorry.
David: Remember that time we made love and you just started crying in my arms?
Amy: Please don't reminisce about the times we fucked. Please! It's so creepy.
David: I want to take you to Paris and make love to you under the Eiffel Tower.
Amy: Stop it!
David: Stop what?
Amy: This whole Paris thing! I've been broken up with you for, like, two years, man. I don't want to date you anymore!
David: You're a whore.
Amy: I am not a whore! I just didn't like you!
David: [grinning] Ha... this is so us.
Amy: Heh heh heh... psycho talk.
Waxing Lady: So this is your first time getting body wax?
Andy Stitzer: Yes. Yes, it is.
Waxing Lady: Take off your shirt.
Andy Stitzer: Ok.
[Andy takes off his shirt, revealing a very hairy torso]
Waxing Lady: [calls out] Oh... we gonna need more wax!
Cal: I'm staying. This is gonna be good.
Waxing Lady: [calls out] And clear all my appointments in the afternoon!
Jay: Nastiest shit you've ever done? I'm talkin' about *nasty*!
Andy Stitzer: Ahh... wow. So many stories are running through my head right now.
[pauses, then lies]
Andy Stitzer: I dated this girl for a while. She was really a... nasty freak. She just loved to get down with sex all the time. It was like... anytime of day, she was like, "Yeah, let's go! I'm so nasty!" And I'd be nailing her and she'd be like, "Oh, you're nailing me! Cool!"
David: I went out with this girl for four months and it was the greatest greatest thing in my life. Until she went down on this guy in an Escalade, I think. And, you know, instead of, like, saying, "Okay, what am I doing that caused this behavior?" I dumped her. Stupid decision. I spent the last two years of my life regretting it.
Andy Stitzer: Well, why don't you get her back right now?
David: Oh, cause she's dating this pot dealer. Stupid, horrible decision. But, hey, that's her journey, you know. I gotta respect that. She wants to be some immature little bitch and blow everybody, that's... that's love, man.
Andy Stitzer: It sounds horrible.
David: Of course it's horrible. It's suffering and it's pain and it's... You know, you lose weight and then you put back on weight, and then you, you know, you call them a bunch of times and you try and email, and then they move or they change their email, but that's just love.
Andy Stitzer: I'm gonna tell her.
Cal: You should totally tell her.
Andy Stitzer: I'm going to.
Cal: 'Cause I watched this movie called "Liar Liar" and the message was, "*Don't* lie." And that was a smart movie.
Jay: Wassup, dawg, what happened? How was the date with Trish?
Andy Stitzer: Oh, it was a disaster.
Andy Stitzer: Yes, I've never been more embarrassed in my life. I couldn't get the condoms to work, and one of them exploded on my balls. And then, her kid walked in the room...
Jay: Woah. Wait. Hold up. She was hiding the kid from you, dawg?
Andy Stitzer: You know what? It doesn't matter. Because it was goin' downhill straight from there.
Jay: Listen, you don't want no baby daddy drama. Trust me on this one, aight? For all you know, he in prison right now. Let's say y'all livin' together. Next thing you know, you the one gone on the first and the fifteenth, huh, to pick up the government check? What if he got boys that's on the outside? And they stalkin' you? See what I'm sayin? You gotta think, patna!
Andy Stitzer: What the fuck are you talking about?
Porn Star: [Andy is trying to fantasize about a porn star while masturbating] Hi Andy. I'm gonna talk dirty to you. I wanna have lots of sexy sex with you. I wanna touch your big fat
[becomes Andy's voice]
Porn Star: noodle. 'Cause I wanna have naughty intercourse with you. I want you to put your penis on... I mean in me, Andy. I wanna do lots of sexy hot things with you. Shit. This really isn't working, Andy. I don't know what to say... because I AM YOU!
Paula: Andy, when I was young, I developed early. By the time I was 13, I had this body you see before you. Can you imagine that?
Andy Stitzer: I don't want to.
Boy at Health Clinic: [discussing alternative sex practices at a health clinic] I prefer vaginal intercourse.
Dad at Health Clinic: [pats his son proudly on the back] He really does.
[Laying in bed at night]
Andy Stitzer: It's gonna be fine. They don't even remember. Those guys are cool.
[Laying in bed in the morning as alarm is buzzing]
Andy Stitzer: This is gonna be bad.
Mark: [on finding Andy in Trish's bed with a dozen opened condoms] Dude. Teach me!
Cal: Here's what you do. You tell her you're a virgin. You test her with this shit, okay? Here, tell me. Tell me. This is how it's gonna go. Tell me.
Andy Stitzer: I'm a virgin.
Cal: Sweet! I like that because I know you don't have... chlamydia. I *know* that. I mean, that shit is everywhere.