Southland Tales (2006)
Boxer Santaros: I'm a pimp. And pimps don't commit suicide.
Boxer Santaros: My character, he realizes that the apocalyptic crime rate is because of global deceleration. The rotation of the Earth is slowing down at a rate of point zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero, zero six miles per hour each day, disrupting the chemical equilibrium in the human brain, causing very irrational criminal behavior.
Roland Taverner: How does he stop the global deceleration?
Boxer Santaros: Oh, he can't stop it. There is no stopping wat can't be stopped. Only God can stop it.
Krysta Now: But The New York Times said: "God is dead."
Boxer Santaros: So in the end, I die in a very tragic downtown shootout while whispering my theory to Dr. Muriel Fox, the oceanography disaster specialist.
Krysta Now: Astrophysicist!
Boxer Santaros: The oceanography disaster specialist... sweetheart. My character - his name is Jericho Kane.
Zora Carmichaels: You know, there'd be a lot less violence in the world if everyone just got a little more cardio.
Krysta Now: Scientists are saying the future is going to be far more futuristic than they originally predicted.
Martin Kefauver: Yo, dog, it says - it says "transaction denied," dog. Yo, what - what do I do?
Roland Taverner: We're going to take the ATM machine with us to Mexico.
Boxer Santaros: Do you ever feel like there's a thousand people locked inside of you?
Roland Taverner: Sometimes.
Boxer Santaros: But it's your memory that keeps them glued together. Keeps all these people from fighting one another. Maybe in the end, that's all we have. The Memory Gospel.
Private Pilot Abilene: This is the way the World ends. This is the way the World ends. This is the way the World ends. Not with a whimper, but with a bang.
Shoshana Cox: I have a question for the Supreme Court. What happens when a woman has sex on a flight from London to Los Angeles, then takes the morning-after pill while flying across the time zone?
Krysta Now: I don't know.
Shoshana Cox: Then it becomes the morning-before pill.
Deena Storm: You are a genius.
Shoshana Cox: Hello. Can't answer to that.
Krysta Now: Holy shit. That is brilliant.
Announcer on PA: Ladies and Gentlemen, this is the way the world ends. Not with a whimper, but with a bang. But there is hope. In the end we can be reassured by one undeniable truth. Nobody rocks the cock like Krysta Now. And I mean nobody.
Veronica Mung: Check this out, pig! Fascist dogma applied! Revolution by surprise! My vagina will not be denied a vote in your subjective election! That's an original poem! By Dream!
Cyndi Pinziki: Nothing an eight ball, a porn star and a tattoo parlor can't handle.
Serpentine: Don't look so scared, Mr. Santaros. The future is just like you imagined.
Private Pilot Abilene: Look. Green, you dream. Blue, in an hour you feel new. And you can forget all about mellow yellow and ancient orange, 'cause, hey, I'm giving you blood red. Do you bleed? I said, do you bleed?
Martin Kefauver: Yeah, yeah, dog.
Private Pilot Abilene: Then you take the blood train. You talk to God without even - without even seeing Him. You hear His voice, and you see His disciples. They appear like... like angels under a sea of black umbrellas. Angels who can see through time.
[injects himself with Fluid Karma and gasps; hands hypodermic injector to Martin Kefauver]
Martin Kefauver: Thanks, dog.
Dr. Linda Lao: Have you built the world's first perpetual motion machine?
Baron Von Westphalen: The ocean is a perpetual motion machine. Fluid Karma is a simulation of the principles you see working right here. As long as the waves continue to crash, Fluid Karma will exist.
Dr. Katarina Kuntzler: Quantum teleportation.
Dr. Linda Lao: Explain the transport mechanism, that's all I'm asking.
Dr. Soberin Exx: Uh, Fluid Karma works via the principle of quantum entanglement. Particles thus entangled will behave identically.
Walter Mung: What the fuck is this?
Zora Carmichaels: What, you won't take a personal check?
Walter Mung: No, I won't take a fucking check. Get the fuck out of my ice cream truck, you Cro-Magnon bitch.
Dr. Linda Lao: Perpetual motion machines are machines that are supposed to disobey one of the laws of thermodynamics.
Unknown: You're just reading a bunch of stuff you read off the internet.
Senator Bobby Frost: Did I just see two cars porking each other?
Announcer on PA: Ladies and gentlemen, the party is over. Have a nice apocalypse.
Starla Von Luft: The information that I have uncovered could get me killed. But it was a risk I was willing to take. The fate of the earth depends on you, Jericho.
Boxer Santaros: [about Officer Taverner] Is he still alive?
Serpentine: In more ways than one.
Boxer Santaros: You made sure Taverner went through the time rift with me. Then you hit the SUV self-destruct trigger, by remote, which means I didn't kill myself.
Serpentine: You're a pimp. Pimps don't commit suicide.
Boxer Santaros: Oh, you got that right. And Roland Taverner and his twin brother... they're the same person, aren't they?
Serpentine: Two identical souls walking the face of the earth, coexisting in the same dominion of chaos. What will happen if they shake hands.
Boxer Santaros: The fourth dimension will collapse upon itself. You stupid bitch.
Fortunio Balducci: Anyone who knows anything of history knows that great social changes are impossible without feminine upheaval.
Vaughn Smallhouse: What are you going to to with all that free money?
Cyndi Pinziki: I'm going to distribute my documentary film, help some women in the Middle East get some more civil liberties. Do you know what those two words mean? "Civil liberties"? You ought to write them down.
Vaughn Smallhouse: You know what? You're going down, Cyndi Pinziki. That's right, I know your real name.
Cyndi Pinziki: You know, I wasn't going to do this, but I feel very generous today. I'm going to leave you with a little present.
Vaughn Smallhouse: Wow. I'm flattered. What is it?
Cyndi Pinziki: A Taser gun to the balls.
Vaughn Smallhouse: What?
Cyndi Pinziki: [tasers Vaughn] You should know that there's another tape out there, a far more incriminating tape featuring your pal, Boxer Santoros, and a double murder, and it's going to cost a lot more than a million to get your hands on that one, because when all is said and done, nobody rocks the cock like Cyndi Pinziki.
Starla Von Luft: [to Boxer] If you don't let me suck your dick, I'm going to kill myself.
Cyndi Pinziki: When the shit hits the fans, it all smells the same.
Baron Von Westphalen: Clearly your attorneys didn't read the whole contract. It stipulates a six-inch margin of error in the cutting radius!
Hideo Takehashi: Contract said finger only!
Senator Bobby Frost: "Teen horniness is not a crime"? I never said it was...
Dr. Inga Von Westphalen: Here we go round the prickly pear, prickly pear, prickly pear.
Krysta Now: Can you keep a secret?
Cyndi Pinziki: Of course.
Krysta Now: I'm fucking a very large and important man.
Krysta Now: Join us for an in-depth discussion of the penetrating issues facing society today. Issues like abortion, terrorism, crime, poverty, social reform, quantum teleportation, teen horniness and war.
Krysta Now: You know what, I like to get fucked, I like to get fucked hard. Okay, but you have to draw the line somewhere. I mean, violence is a big problem in our society today and I will not support it. That is the primary reason why I won't do anal.
Krysta Now: We're a bisexual nation living in denial, all because of a bunch of nerds, a bunch of nerds who got off a boat in the 15th century and decided that sex was something to be ashamed of. All the Pilgrims did was ruin the American Indian orgy of freedom.
Vaughn Smallhouse: You ever lose someone close to you, a loved one, in a terrorist attack? 'Cause I have.
Cyndi Pinziki: This may come as a shock to you, Mr Smallhouse, but I have lost two people in Abilene. Two of my four ex-husbands, on a fishing trip, which they took every year to bitch about me.
Madeline Frost Santaros: Cock Chuggers Two: Cock Chuggin'? Who the fuck makes this shit? Huh?
Boxer Santaros: Hey, hey, she just cut her own pop album.
Senator Bobby Frost: "Teen horniness is not a crime. Keep an open heard and an open mind."
Boxer Santaros: She's developing her own reality show, clothing line, perfume, and not to mention an energy drink which I tried, and her drink tastes really, really good. Can I see the Cock Chuggers?
Krysta Now: Well, in my first six movies I was just "Krysta." You know, but then in order to differentiate myself from the 76 other Krystas in the business, I added the "Now."
Cyndi Pinziki: Wow.
Krysta Now: Well, it's all about now, 2008, not next week, not tomorrow. If you wanna fuck me, you can fuck me... now.
Private Pilot Abilene: Proposition 69. To Krysta that number had one meaning, and one meaning only. To everyone else it was a proposition on the ballot to restrict the powers of the oppressive institution known as USIDent.
Boxer Santaros: Three days. Three final days. It all ends tonight.
Roland Taverner: So why do you want to kill yourself?
Martin Kefauver: I got drafted, dog. I got to go to Iraq, maybe Syria. Can't take that shit.
Baron Von Westphalen: Our mission is to destroy Capitalism, dethrone God.
Boxer Santaros: Officer Roland Taverner. That's who you want.
Private Pilot Abilene: Revelation 21: And God wiped away the tears from his eyes, so the new Messiah could see out to the new Jerusalem. His name was Officer Roland Taverner, of Hermosa Beach, California. My best friend. He is a pimp. And pimps don't commit suicide.
Dion Element: The dude hasn't taken a shit in a week.
Veronica Mung: When has it even been in the Bible that you have to have a bowel movement? It's not written anywhere.
Dion Element: It's not written in the Bible, but some things is written, like, in mother nature. All of the animals shit. Cows shit, llamas shit.
Veronica Mung: Do they like it? Do they want it? If they had a voice would they, would they rather not?
Dion Element: I think they feel better after they take a shit. I think they do like it. My answer is yes.
Veronica Mung: My answer is no!
Private Pilot Abilene: [narration] In the aftermath of nuclear attacks in Texas, America found itself on the brink of anarchy.
[overlapping news reports]
Private Pilot Abilene: World War III had begun.
Private Pilot Abilene: The accelerated conflict in the Middle East placed significant restrictions on American access to oil. Alternative fuel sources became a lucrative commodity. Americans were transfixed by the terrorist's threat, and were willing to prevent another attack by any means necessary. Military checkpoints were erected at each State line. Interstate travel visas were required of each citizen. Dissenting liberal extremest cells began to emerge, the most vocal of which were the neo-Marxists. The 2008 presidential election was to be decided by the electoral votes of just one State, as the Republicans raced to secure California for the first time since 1988. On June 27, 2008, Boxer Santaros, a famous actor with ties to the Republican Party, vanished without a trace. Three days later he was discovered in the Nevada desert with his memory erased. The government knew he had crossed the bordered back into California. but the circumstances of his return to the Southland remained a mystery.
USI Dent Reporter: Actor-turned-soldier Pilot Abilene was critically wounded during in battle in Iraq yesterday by shrapnel for a grenade thrown by a soldier in his own unit.
Boxer Santaros: It all hinges on a Top Secret experiment. A young couple comes home from the hospital with a newborn baby. A week goes by and the baby still hasn't produced a bowel movement.
Roland Taverner: Maybe the baby's just constipated.
Boxer Santaros: No, no, no, no. This is a *very* special baby. This baby processes energy differently.
Roland Taverner: I haven't had a bowel movement in 6 days. I haven't taken a piss, either.
Private Pilot Abilene: Darkness fell upon the city. Neo-Marxist cells began to converge upon downtown.
Reporter: Thousands gathered to witness the maiden voyage of the Baron's technological marvel, Southland's newest wonder, the Treer MegaZeppelin.
Reporter#2: ...at the hills above Los Angeles today, while on the ground, authorities are bracing the first riots since 1992.
Reporter#3: You can see right there a car bomb went off just moments ago.