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Reefer Madness: The Movie Musical (2005) Poster

Quotes

Sally DeBains: So, how tall are you, Jimmy?

Jimmy: Five feet, nine inches.

Sally DeBains: Let's forget the five feet and concentrate on the nine inches.

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Jack Stone: Quit squawkin'. You got more static than the radio.

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Mary Lane: I think I've been shot!

[collapses, Sally screams]

Sally DeBains: She fell down!

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Mary Lane: Say, is this a fraternity sweater? Is Jimmy hanging out with college boys?

Ralph Wiley: Why, yes, yes, he is. We at Phi Beta Cannabis were so taken with Jimmy, we decided to pledge him... early... while he's still in high school... to avoid the rush.

Mary Lane: Well, that's the bee's knees! Wait 'til that Suzy Mayberry hears about this!

Ralph Wiley: Let's celebrate... with a smoke!

Mary Lane: Hold on! This isn't that reefer I've read about, is it?

Ralph Wiley: Oh, no, of course not. This is a special cigarette. All the rage with the college girls... in Paris.

Mary Lane: Paris?

Ralph Wiley: Oh, yes.

Mary Lane: Well, if I'm going to be dating a fraternity man...

[Ralph shoves a reefer stick in her mouth]

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FDR: A little orphan girl once told me that the sun would come out tomorrow. Her adopted father was a powerful billionaire so I suppressed the urge to laugh in her face, but now, by gum, I think she may have been on to something!

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[last lines]

Parents: It's time for parents to take a stand / For the preservation of this great land / 'Till the things that scare us are burned or banned, / Or smashed to smithereens! / And once the reefer has been destroyed, / We'll start on Darwin and Sigmund Freud, / And sex depicted on celluloid, / And communists and queens!

Lecturer: When danger's near, exploit their fear!

Parents: The end will justify the means!

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[Ralph, hallucinating, opens a closet door and sees Satan sodomizing Mary]

Mary Lane: Remember me, Ralph? I've been sent to hell! A pubescent edition of Jezebel. It hurts a lot to bend! But, at least, I've made a friend.

Ralph Wiley: Shut up!

Satan: You murdered her, Ralph!

Mary Lane: Murdered me!

Ralph Wiley: Murdered you!

Jimmy: Murdered me!

Ralph Wiley: Murdered them!

Jack Stone: [to Mae] What's eating him?

Ralph Wiley: Jack! I saw Satan! And the kid. And Satan! And the girl. And *Satan*!

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Jimmy: Mary Jane, oh Mary Jane. You conquered me like Charlemagne.

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Sally DeBains: Yes, I'm waiting for your business in this carnal carnivale. Take a one-way ticket to the Bacchanal. So come on Jimmy, come on give me, *reefer love*!

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Jimmy Harper: There's blood on my hands, and mud on my name. My id threw a party and everyone came. My innocence ravished, my virtue devoured, I can't count the strangers with whom I have showered!

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Mary Lane: [singing after smoking a joint] I feel a little naughty.

Ralph Wiley: Baby I'll help you relax!

[giggles]

Mary Lane: I'll tie you up with phone cord. We'll play with whips and nipple clips and candle wax!

Ralph Wiley: Now hold on, Mary Sunshine. Let's not get carried away!

Mary Lane: Just call me Mary Juana and Mary's got some scary little games to play! I'll lather you up...

Ralph Wiley: Who, me?

Mary Lane: And give you a shave...

Ralph Wiley: *Shave*?

Mary Lane: I'll paddle you while straddling my little slave!

Ralph Wiley: Hey, now!

Mary Lane: Down on your knees! It's pointless to fight! Save your strength, it's gonna be a lengthy night!

Ralph Wiley: Help! This crazy tomato's raping me!

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Ralph Wiley: [shouting at the radio's report of Jimmy being executed] Shut up!

Mae Coleman: We can't just let Jimmy die.

Ralph Wiley: Shut up! Shut up!

Sally DeBains: Look, the kid's yesterday's headlines, and there's nothing we can do about it. When's Jack bringing some more boys home?

Ralph Wiley: [overturning the table] Shut up! Shut up!

Sally DeBains: You shut up! What're you? Nuts?

Ralph Wiley: [crazy look] I'm... *fine* Perfectly... in... control.

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Mr. Paul Kochinski: You can't believe everything you read and that don't make me a commie!

Lecturer: Mr. Kochinski, Mr. Hearst is a fine American businessman and a graduate of Harvard University. Where did you matriculate?

Mr. Paul Kochinski: Huh?

Lecturer: Ma.tric.u.late. It means where did you go to college?

Mr. Paul Kochinski: Well... I... I didn't.

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Jesus: Jimmy, take a hit of God instead. You think you can handle the high?

Jimmy: I've got a new god now!

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Mary Lane: Jimmy, what are you doing here in the middle of the night? It's almost nine p.m.!

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Sally DeBains: Join the wonder dance. Lose the underpants!

Jimmy: No!

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Mae Coleman: I oughtta leave him, but something makes me stay. It's the stuff. I try to kill him, but my guy gives me love and the stuff. Sometimes he's rough. He throws me down the stairs, but deep inside he cares. He buys me lingerie... and the stuff.

[flashbacks to when Jack first met Mae and got her hooked on reefer]

Mae Coleman: I was a student, good grades and so naive to the stuff. A handsome stranger, some empty promises, lots of stuff. But I don't get hooked. I'm not addicted, no. I just enjoy the glow. I like to have my fun. No harm to anyone. Though the fun sometimes escapes me when Jack gets stone and rapes me! Nothing numbs me better than the stuff.

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Mary LaneRalph Wiley: [Mary has just taken her first hit] Goodbye Mary Sunshine! Reefer has blown out her mind! She's now a hot-head hussy!

Mary Lane: Don't you run! I'm not done! Can't you tell we've just begun? What's your rush? You're not having fun?

Ralph Wiley: No, I'm really not!

Mary LaneRalph Wiley: Mary, Mary Sunshine! Burned for, yearned for dirty life!

[Mary stuffs Ralph's mouth with an apple and straddles him]

Ralph Wiley: Mmmph?

Mary Lane: Shut up, bitch!

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Mae Coleman: Aww Jack, this kid can't be more than 15.

Jimmy: Oh 16, madam.

Mae Coleman: The name's Mae. And a madam runs a different kind of house.

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Sally DeBains: What a night. I was in more laps than a napkin.

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Sally DeBains: Tonight you and me are gonna break out like the measles!

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Lecturer: Do your children enjoy jazz music? For I am here to tell you that Cab Calloway, Dizzy Gillespie, Duke Ellington, and the whole weed-blowing ginger-colored lot are merely masquerading as musicians and are, in fact, agents of evil. Reefer slows down the smoker's sense of time, allowing him to squeeze in unnecessary grace notes, giving this voodoo music the power to hypnotize white women into indulging in acts of unspeakable degradation.

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Mary Lane: Is your finger swollen? Are you putting on weight?

Jimmy: Maybe. Lately, I seem to be hungry all the time.

Mary Lane: A moment on the lips, forever on the hips!

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Mae Coleman: The kid's a goner! They're gonna make him pay for the stuff!

Jack Stone: Here!

[hands Mae a joint]

Jack Stone: Simmer down, will ya?

Mae Coleman: I've seen my honor rolled up and burned away with the stuff! Well, it's gotta stop!

[Jack grabs her breasts from behind]

Mae Coleman: Let go of me!

Jack Stone: What? I'm trying to comfort you here.

Mae Coleman: I said, let go!

[yanks Jack's hands off her]

Mae Coleman: I should show him the door. He treats me like a whore! I don't need Jack no more or the stuff!

[throws the joint to the ground and stomps on it]

Jack Stone: [slaps her] Dumb slut, that was a half a jay of good mooter you just wasted!

Mae Coleman: I know.

[picks up a garden hoe and starts twirling it]

Jack Stone: Hey, what are you doing with that garden hoe?

Mae Coleman: Taking care of a big... fat... weed!

Jack Stone: Alright, that's it.

[takes out a gun]

Jack Stone: Say goodnight, Gracie.

[shoots, but there are no bullets]

Mae Coleman: [smirks] Goodnight, Gracie.

[hits him with the hoe]

Mae Coleman: So, this is it, Jack! Last night of ballyhoo for the stuff!

Jack Stone: Get away from me, you crazy skirt!

Mae Coleman: This one's for Ralph, Jack! This one's for Sally, too! Had enough? Yeah, you're not so tough!

[continues beating him]

Mae Coleman: You once had all the brains! Now they're just carpet stains! You're in no shape to fight my bid to make things right! 'Cause there's blood upon your necktie. Your corpus is delecti. And I have been delivered from the stuff!

[cuts out Jack's heart]

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[after selling her baby to a stereotypical Chinese man holding a pair of chopsticks]

Sally DeBains: You'll take good care of him, won't you? It's not true what they say about you people eating babies, is it?

Asian Guy: [aims chopsticks at the baby] Care to stay for... dinner?

[back in the classroom, everyone stares at the lone Asian lady, who slinks down in her seat]

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Lecturer: Creeping like a communist, it's knocking at our doors, turning all our children into hooligans and whores!

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Sally DeBains: [leaving the scene of a car accident] I was never here.

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Mary Lane: Jimmy, is something wrong?

Jimmy: [Extremely high] Why? Should something be wrong? Stop hounding me! Stop... hounding... me!

Mary Lane: I didn't think I was, I... Oh, it's me, isn't it? You don't love me anymore. You haven't even tried to kiss in almost a week.

Jimmy: Kiss? Is *that* what you want? Let me show *you* a few new moves!

[Jimmy pushes Mary down and gags her with his tongue]

Mary Lane: [Jumps up] That was your tongue! Jimmy Harper, what's come over you?

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Jimmy: I need words to tell you of my pounding heart/$4 words that make a guy sound smart!/Well I guess that's why they invented shakespeare/His articulations of a lover's palpatations are so keen!

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Jack: You like Brownies? Baked 'em myself!

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Mary LaneJimmy: We are just like Romeo and Juliet! We're happy, young and bubbling with love!

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Mary Lane: [dying] We are just like Romeo and Juliet. We're happy, young and...

[coughs]

Mary Lane: ...hemorrhaging blood!

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Jack: [repeated] See ya in the funny papers.

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Jimmy Harper: I can't wait to read the ending!

Mary Lane: I can't either! But I bet it turns out real swell! I bet Romeo marries his Juliet...

Jimmy Harper: They have a baby

Mary Lane: And make lots of friends!

Mary LaneJimmy Harper: That's prob'ly the way the play ends!

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Jimmy Harper: [after eating a hashish brownie] This brownie is yummy! / It's the greatest brownie known to man! / It's chewy, it's nutty, this brownie's really good! / Don't offer me a macaroon. / My brownie suits me fine! / There's frosting on the top, and best of all it's mine!

Sally DeBainsJack StoneRalph WileyMae Coleman: Eat the brownie! Eat the brownie! Eat the brownie! Eat the brownie!

Jack Stone: Let's go home!

Jimmy Harper: Okay. / I shimmer electric! / I'm a one-man marching brownie band. / I love it! My brownie! / And my brownie loves me, too! / It's smooth, it's sweet, it's chocolaty. / It forms a perfect square. / And the bestest part of all, is I don't have to share.

Sally DeBainsJack StoneRalph WileyMae Coleman: He doesn't have to share!

Jimmy Harper: And the bestest part of all is I don't have to share!

Ralph Wiley: Eat the brownie!

Sally DeBains: Eat the brownie!

Jack Stone: Eat the brownie!

Mae Coleman: Eat the brownie!

Sally DeBainsJack StoneRalph WileyJimmy HarperMae Coleman: Yeah!

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Zombies: [singing] Open the gate and abandon hope! / We're the ghosts of the kids that got hooked on dope!

Ralph Wiley: Way down where it's hot / They are saving us a spot!

Zombies: You murdered us, Ralph! / Murdered 'em! Murdered 'em! Murdered 'em! Murdered 'em!

Ralph Wiley: Bad zombies! Shoo! Go away!

[runs inside and backs his imaginary pursuers off with a garden hoe]

Sally DeBains: He's losin' it, Jack!

Jack Stone: Gee, you don't suppose?

Mae Coleman: He's liable to crack and spill all he knows!

Sally DeBainsMae Coleman: He's really acting weird!

Jack Stone: Perhaps it's time he disappeared / He'd never be missed / I could murder him! Murder him! Murder him! Murder him!

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Mae Coleman: Ralph? Sally? We're back! We got take-away from Dim Foo's. Sally? Ralph?

[Mae screams as Sally's disembodied head rolls down the stairs]

Ralph Wiley: [jumps down the stairs nibbling on Sally's arm. He picks up Sally's head and sings] I found me a snack, it was nice and fresh!

LecturerZombies: The weed made him hungry for human flesh!

Jack Stone: Step away you mug! / 'Cause that's a brand new Persian rug!

[Ralph mockingly runs the bloody end of Sally's head on said rug]

Mae Coleman: He's not gonna stop!

Mae ColemanJack Stone: Murder him! Murder him! Murder him! Murder him!

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Joan of Arc: [chorus] Listen to Jesus, Jimmy!

Jesus: [singing] Don't let reefer kick you keister!

Joan of Arc: [chorus] Listen to Jesus, Jimmy!

Jesus: [singing] I'm the Poster Boy for Easter!

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Jesus: I've cured a lot of lepers, and I've risen from the dead. How ya doin'? / Is that what it's gonna take to get it through your head? You can touch. / If you keep using reefer to enjoy those teenage kicks / Soon you'll be floating naked in the river Styx / What a fix / Sulfur pools / Torture tools / Separation from your family jewels!

The Arc-ettes: Ramma-lamma-they're-gonna-cut-your-ding-dong.

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Sally DeBains: [chant] Come on, Jimmy, Come on, Jimmy, suck it down for Sally/Come on, Jimmy, come on, Jimmy, suck it down for Sally!

Jimmy: Umm... no thanks... I don't think I ought to

Sally DeBains: [chant] Come on, Jimmy, Come on, Jimmy, suck it down for Sally/Come on, Jimmy, come on, Jimmy, suck it down for Sally!

Jimmy: Um... I have to go now... thanks for having me...

Jack Stone: [chant on top of Sally] Take a toke of T-stick, Take a toke of T-stick/Take a toke of T-stick, take a toke of T-stick

Mae Coleman: [chant on top of the others] Smoke it, you make choke at first, but then the worst is over/Smoke it, you may choke at first, but then the worst is over!

Ralph Wiley: [chant on top of the others] Don't be a chicken!/Don't be a chicken!

LecturerParents: [repeated on top of others] Don't, Jimmy! Don't do it! Don't be a fool!/Don't, Jimmy! Don't do it! Don't be a fool!

Sally DeBainsJack StoneMae ColemanRalph WileyLecturerParents: [All chants repeated several times until Jimmy takes a hit]

LecturerParents: *NO*!

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Jimmy: Someone save me/There's no place to hide/From this salacious/Magic carpet ride!

Sally DeBainsJack StoneMae ColemanRalph Wiley: Open up your mind!/Let your body soar!/Arms and legs entwined/Cry: More! More More!

Jack StoneRalph Wiley: If a year goes by, it might seem a day

Sally DeBainsMae Coleman: If a day goes by, it could take a year

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Jimmy: You fill my life with all the colors/Of the Sunday funnies/Innocent splendor/Kisses so tender/Softer than a pillow stuffed with bunnies!

Mary Lane: Bunnies? I don't know what you're talking about, but I like the sound of it!

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Ralph Wiley: [after biting Sally's arm] Jack, I got me the munchies REAL BAD!

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FDR: Hold on, boys! I, for one, would like to hear what the blood-spattered young lady has to say.

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Jimmy: There's only room for one Mary in my life... Mary Lane. With an L! For love! I love Mary Lane!

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Jimmy: Ah, Jesus. I got a great high cooking here, don't bring me down.

Jesus: On the contrary, Jimmy. I'm here to bring you UP - with dope. No, not your brand of dope, but the straight dope! You think hanging with those reefer fiends are cool? I don't think you realize how cool God can be.

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Sally DeBains: Damn stairs...

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Jack Stone: Dumb slut, that was half a jay of good moody you just wasted!

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Jesus: Jimmy!

The Arc-ettes: Jimmy!

Jesus: Let me see you!

The Arc-ettes: Let me see your jimmy!

Jesus: Kick the sin and sensimilla! Jimmy!

The Arc-ettes: Jimmy!

Jesus: Don't turn your back on God!

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[Feeling guilty, Ralph starts hallucinating]

Jimmy: Remember me, Ralph? I'm about to fry.

Ralph Wiley: Shut up!

Jimmy: While you and your friends stand idly by. My life is now a ticking bomb.

Ralph Wiley: Shut up!

Jimmy: Gonna miss my senior prom!

Ralph Wiley: Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!

Jimmy: You murdered me, Ralph!

Ralph Wiley: Shut up!

Jimmy: Murdered me!

Ralph Wiley: Murdered you!

Jimmy: Murdered me!

Ralph Wiley: Murdered him!

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[repeated line]

Sally DeBains: Damn baby!

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Zombies: Open the gate and abandon hope! We're the ghosts of the kids that got hooked on dope!

Mae Coleman: Now I see 'em, Jack! And they all want their childhoods back! We murdered 'em, Jack!

Mae ColemanZombies: Murdered 'em! Murdered 'em! Murdered 'em! Murdered 'em!

Zombies: Open the gate and abandon hope!

Jack Stone: Pull it together!

Zombies: We're the ghosts of the kids that got hooked on dope!

Jack Stone: Don't flip your skirt!

Mae Coleman: Now I see 'em, Jack!

Jack Stone: Now you do the things you gotta do...

Mae Coleman: And they all want their childhoods back!

Jack Stone: In this dog eat dog eat dog world!

Mae Coleman: We murdered 'em, Jack!

Jack Stone: Survival of the fittest! So you...

Jack StoneMae ColemanZombies: Murder 'em!

Jack Stone: Before they murder you!

Mae ColemanZombies: Murdered 'em! Murder! Murder! Murder! Murder! Murder! Murder! Murder!

Jack Stone: The winner is the last one left...

Jack StoneMae ColemanZombies: Alive!

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Mae Coleman: He's wound up like an eight day clock! One too many giggle sticks.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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