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The Longest Yard (2005) Poster

Quotes

Switowski: He broke-ded my nose

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Let me try to fix that.

[Crewe fixes his nose]

Switowski: How do I look?

Caretaker: Much better, like a young Michael Jackson.

Switowski: I love little Michael.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Huddle up! Look, I'm sure you already know this, but I've never said it out loud. I *did* throw that game. I did it. I was in a bad way with some worse people. After I did it, I felt so shitty, I wish I would have just let them kill me instead. Now the warden wants to pin Caretaker's murder on me if I don't throw *this* game. So it looks like I'm going to get to know you guys a lot better because I aint doing that twice in a lifetime. We got a little time left. We can still do this. I'm begging you. Put your hands in here. Ok, thank you. Who are we?

[Team shouts, "Mean Machine!", and takes the field]

Turley: I'm glad you're back. Now I don't have to stab you.

[after inmates score touchdown on trick play]

Guard Lambert: Is that legal?

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yes, it is.

Guard Lambert: Is that a touchdown?

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yes, it is.

Guard Lambert: Oh, goddamn it!

Cheeseburger Eddy: You gotta always protect the McNuggets!

Cheeseburger Eddy: I knew you couldn't resist my shit! I got the shakes that'll make you quake. I got the fries that'll cross your eyes. I got that burgers that'll... I just got burgers.

Caretaker: [to an exceptionally fast runner] Run, Forest, run!

Caretaker: [Switowski has him in a bear hug] Down, Shrek, down!

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [drinking a toast with Caretaker] Here's to the first friend I've had in I-don't-know-how-long

Switowski: I thought I was your friend, Paul.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You are my friend, Switowski. Just finish your coloring book and go to sleep.

Switowski: OK.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: I think Papajohn's their safety.

Turley: [smiles, nods] I'll play!

Guard Engleheart: If you have to cry, it's okay. I'll cry with you.

Unger: The blood of the guards is gonna flow like the rivers of ancient Babylon!

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: That's good news.

Guard Lambert: Crewe! I'll see you on the field.

[bangs his head on a locker]

Coach Nate Scarborough: [to Crewe] I think he's in love with you.

Captain Knauer: Do you have any idea who's beating you out there? This was supposed to be a blow out and they're showing you up in front of the whole nation. The whole nation!

Guard Engleheart: I like it when he's angry.

Caretaker: Who we gonna crush?

(prisoners team): The guards!

Caretaker: Who we gonna kill?

(prisoners team): The guards!

Caretaker: Who we gonna kiss?

Brucie: [shouting out loud all alone] The guards!

Caretaker: [smile] Gotcha.

Guard Dunham: [after breaking off a long run, storms up to Megget] That's how a white man runs the football!

Earl Megget: Man, you lucky I ain't on defense. I'd crack you in that egg-ass head of yours!

Guard Dunham: Yeah, but you ain't on defense. Are ya, bitch?

Earl Megget: Switowski! Come here!

[he comes running over]

Earl Megget: You know what he said in the library?

[whispers to Switowski about Dunham calling Malcolm X then "N word", as Switowski's eyes about pop out of his head]

Earl Megget: Yes. Him. Out!

Switowski: [Destroys Dunham with a huge hit on the next play. Everyone gathers around to look at Dunham and sniffs] I think I made-ed him shit himself.

Coach Nate Scarborough: I think he just shit himself.

All Sportswriters: I think he just shit himself.

Stretcher Guy: Good lord, this guy shit himself big time!

Switowski: [jumps up and down celebrating] See! I told you i made-ed him shit himself!

Earl Megget: [as Dunmham is being carted off the field on a stretcher] I'll be sure to send them books to the hospital, pimp!

Deacon Moss: And some diapers!

Switowski: I'm sorry... I brokeded your toy.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Oh, no, it's a good thing! you should share a victory hug with Caretaker.

Caretaker: What?

[Switowski lifts Caretaker in bear-hug and spins around laughing]

Caretaker: [to Paul] Asshole!

[after Crewe decides to come back to the game]

Turley: I'm glad you're back, now I don't have to stab you.

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Caretaker: Look in your toilet, I left you a surprise.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You took a shit in my toilet?

Caretaker: No, that's what I left in Brucey's toilet.

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[last lines]

Deacon Moss: [Deacon and Battle pour Gatorade on Warden Hazen] Good game, sir!

Warden Hazen: That's a week in the hotbox!

Joey Battle: Who gives a shit!

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Deacon Moss: This is baby-back bullshit!

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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [after being pulled over by cops] Hey, you can finish that one... I've got five more. Take care guys.

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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [to the short cop] Now, listen here, Mr. Frodo, don't get short with me.

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Big Ears Cop: ...shit happens.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Shit does happen. I mean, look what happened to your ears.

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Cheeseburger Eddy: [to Megget] You acting like a real Mcasshole?

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Big Tony: [reading sign] Foot... ball... tree... outs. What the hell's a tree-out?

Brucie: try-out, you half a meatball.

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Chris Berman: Whooooop!

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Walt: What happened?

Lena: He locked me in the closet and left me to die.

Walt: [gasps] He's deranged!

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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [on TV after he crashes his girlfriend's car] Hey, Lena, I think we should start seeing other people!

Walt: [watching on TV with Lena] I think I'm in love.

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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You play football?

Caretaker: Me? No, I sucked so bad they used to pick after the white kids. Used to be mad to be like, "Man I can't beleive i picked a nigga that cant play"

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Brucie: [Brucie is about to kick off] Jesus Christ my saviour,if you help me out with this one I promise to stop cheating on my wife with black guys, Amen.

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Punky: [after the convicts won the game] We win! Group hug in the shower tonight!... or not. Or not.

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Caretaker: We didn't get the whole chocolate bar, but we did get a Hershey kiss.

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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: I will be your coach, your captain, your quarterback...

Brucie: You haven't played in years! Why can't I be quarterback?

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You're right; let's see what you got.

[throws ball to Brucie]

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Hit me; I'm open!

Brucie: [throws wild pass]

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: That's why, now sit down and shut up.

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Caretaker: That boy's got slave feet.

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Ms. Tucker: [to Brucie] You wish I'd kiss you 'cos your breath smells like eight cans of shark shit.

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Caretaker: That boy got slave feet!

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Caretaker: He could catch a cold in the desert.

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Switowski: I thought I was your friend, Paul.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: You are my friend, Switowski, just, finish your coloring book and go to sleep.

Switowski: OK.

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Guard Dunham: Does the n-word offend you... nigger?

Earl Megget: No, sir.

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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [to Caretaker] Hey, let's have a maniacal pillow fight tonight! That should boost your rating!

Skitchy Rivers: Yeah, and we can sell it to Pay-Per-View - Superstar vs. Half-a-Star.

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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [to Turley] People have said that we look alike, so I just wanted to see for myself.

[Turley roars very loudly]

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: I'm gonna go take a piss.

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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [to Caretaker after seeing his half-star violence rating] You're as maniacal as a box of kittens.

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Guard Lambert: [Walks in and yells] Everybody stand for the warden!

Warden Hazen: [Walks in and sees how fat Tony is] Anthony wow! You can sit down!

Joey Battle: Thank God!

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Captain Knauer: [after Crewe starts fight in lunch room] Stand up Crewe! You think you can do anything don't you... well you're no different than any other piece of shit that calls this place home...

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Really they all think you're a dumb redneck too?

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [Knauer takes a swing at Crewe with his night-stick amd Crewe catches it] You should really start cutting that shit out it's gettin old...

Captain Knauer: That's gonna cost ya...

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Looking forward to it...

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Caretaker: [talking to crowd about the try outs] This is our chance to get a free shot at the guards!

Big Tony: And how are we going to do that?

Caretaker: Just show up at the tree-outs you big dumb bitch!

[Everyone laughs]

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Switowski: Will you teach me to football?

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Sure, I'll teach you to football.

Caretaker: I'll teach you anything. Just don't eat me.

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Brucie: [after being hit hard] I got a bird, his name is Ronnie!

Caretaker: Well, tell Ronnie you got knocked the fuck out!

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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [as he's calling a play] Battle, you're a psycho! Tony, you're a fat shit! Hut!

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Punky: [after Nate Scarborough decides to enter the game] You can do it! Get that old ass of yours in the endzone! We gotta win this game!

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Ms. Tucker: Do the girls get to play?

Caretaker: No, we're playing football, not balls-balls

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Caretaker: Yo man, that's my flyer, man. I worked hard on that. You see he ran like a little bitch right? You saw that right.

[Cheeseburger Eddy gets in his face]

Caretaker: Yo, the team needs you. Team needs you. You should come to the tree-outs.

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Earl Megget: Y'all got a running back?

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Not any good ones.

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Cheeseburger Eddy: It ain't easy being cheesy!

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Deacon Moss: The only game I'll play with you... is slap the point shaving white boy, til he cries like a baby back bitch.

Cheeseburger Eddy: baby back bitch, baby back bitch, baby back bitch, baby back bitch.

Caretaker: That's a big ass robot

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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [Crewe is being pulled over by the cops] Oh, man, here come the party poopers...

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Guard Engleheart: [the guards are picking on Megget in the library] Bet you'd like to hit us, huh?

Earl Megget: [smiling] Hit you, sir? Nah. Y'all my friends!

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Joey Battle: Wow, no bullshit! Football, against the guards?

Coach Nate Scarborough: Yep, full contact.

Joey Battle: Captain Knauer is the quarterback?

Caretaker: Yep.

Joey Battle: So I get to tackle him?

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yeah, either that you can hit him over the head with that hammer.

Joey Battle: I wanna hurt him, not kill him.

Caretaker: Lets get outta here before that thing bites someone!

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Caretaker: [introducing himself to Crewe] Whatever your pleasure, I can facilitate. You need weed, you need meth- hey, you need Prozac, I'm your man. I know how you white boys always deal with that depression. I mean me personally, I don't understand what you white boys are all depressed about. Hey, you're white! Smile!

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Guard Dunham: [rock music on in locker room acting like he's playing a guitar] This is how a white man plays a guitar.

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Brucie: How come I cant be kicker? I was all state!

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: All right let's see what you got.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [kicks ball along the ground] ... that's why you dumbass.

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Baby Face Bob: [after the game, to Chris Berman] Remember Chris, criminals are people too...

[suddenly appears aggressive]

Baby Face Bob: Now give me your wallet!

Chris Berman: [Backs down a little and looks frightened]

Baby Face Bob: [laughs] Just kidding.

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Guard Engleheart: Stop booing, people. Both teams are trying very hard.

Guard Dunham: What the hell's wrong with you? Stop acting like a damn cheerleader.

Guard Engleheart: Sportsmanship. Try it.

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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: I'll tell you what bothers me the most warden. That you're not coming to be out there on that field with us, gettin' what you got coming to you.

Warden Hazen: Only thing coming to me is victory.

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Con Transvestite: What's wrong with you? Jealous because I don't cheer for you anymore?

Brucie: I don't know what you're talking about, Freak show!

Con Transvestite: Whatever, back freckles!

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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: [On the last play of the first half] Do you assholes remember that play we practiced in the mud?

Deacon Moss: What are you talking about? That was some schoolyard bullshit!

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yeah, let's try some schoolyard bullshit!

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Switowski: [after Turley breaks his nose] I think he did it on purpose!

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: No, he didn't do it on puropse...

[glances over at Turley]

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Okay maybe he did.

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Baby Face Bob: Do that sound again.

Chris Berman: Woooooop!

Baby Face Bob: [chuckles] I like that.

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Guard Engleheart: Why are you yelling at me? All I did was care!

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Caretaker: [to Paul] Don't give me that shit! O.J. Chopped his wife's head off and still got some ass!

[Paul Spits out his drink in laughter]

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[first lines]

Lorenzo: I love that dress.

Lena: Of course you do, Lorenzo, you made it.

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Ms. Tucker: Paul... Paul I wanted to let you know that I am your biggest fan and that I'll will be cheering my jailhouse boobies off for you on gameday!

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Ok I appreciate that.

Ms. Tucker: Paul I appreciate you.

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Ok.

Brucie: All right are you done now?

Ms. Tucker: What are you just jealous because I don't cheer for you anymore?

Brucie: Yea I don't know what you're talking about.

Ms. Tucker: Whatever back freckle!

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Caretaker: Ain't you guys glad you got a black man for a friend?

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Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Why are there 2 glasses?

Caretaker: Shut up and pour me a drink, bitch!

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Joey Battle: Wow no bullshit! Real football, against the guards?

Coach Nate Scarborough: Full contact.

Joey Battle: Captain Knauer is the quarterback?

Caretaker: Yep.

Joey Battle: So I get to tackle him?

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Yeah, you can either tackle him or you can hit him over the head with that *hammer*.

Joey Battle: [looks down at his crotch] I wanna hurt him, not kill him.

Caretaker: Lets get outta here before that thing bites someone!

Paul 'Wrecking' Crewe: Alright we'll see you and your pet iguana at practice.

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Caretaker: Stop the violence! Can't we all just get along?

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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