Wedding Crashers (2005)
Jeremy Grey: I didn't get a lot of sleep last night.
John Beckwith: Soft mattress?
Jeremy Grey: Yeah, it could have been the soft mattress. Or the midnight rape. Or the nude gay art show that took place in my room. One of those probably added to the lack of sleep.
John Beckwith: You know how they say we only use 10 percent of our brains? I think we only use 10 percent of our hearts.
Jeremy Grey: Todd, I notice you haven't even touched your food yet.
Todd Cleary: I don't eat meat or fish.
Grandma Mary Cleary: He's a homo.
John Beckwith: Don't waste your time on girls with hats. They tend to be very proper.
Jeremy Grey: Yeah? Well, the proper girl in the hat just eye-fucked the shit out of me.
[people in the next row turn round and stare at Jeremy]
John Beckwith: Why don't you say it a little louder? I don't think the priest heard you.
John Beckwith: Claire's mom just made me grab her hooters.
Jeremy Grey: Well snap out of it! What, a hot older women made you feel her cans? Stop crying like a little girl.
John Beckwith: I wasn't crying like a little girl.
Jeremy Grey: Why don't you try getting jacked off under the table in front of the whole damn family and have some real problems, jackass. Hey, what were they like anyway? They looked pretty good, are they real? Are they built for speed or comfort? What'd you do with them? Motorboat? You play the motorboat?
[makes sputtering motorboat noise]
Jeremy Grey: You motorboatin son of a bitch! You old sailor you! Where is she? She still in the house?
John Beckwith: What's wrong with you?
Jeremy Grey: What do you mean "what's wrong with me?" What's wrong with you?
John Beckwith: No, what's wrong with you?
Jeremy Grey: No, what's wrong with you? You're projecting!
John Beckwith: Drop it.
Jeremy Grey: You drop it! You stop projecting on me! Why don't you go enjoy yourself while I go ice my balls and spit up blood.
John Beckwith: Drop it!
[starts walking away]
Jeremy Grey: Team player!
[John has just referred to an aunt, only to be told by a guest that she is dead]
Jeremy Grey: How many times you gonna do this shit? Rule #32: You don't commit to a relative unless you're absolutely positive they have a pulse.
John Beckwith: Rule #16: Give me an up-to-date family tree. That was your mistake. You made me look like an idiot.
Jeremy Grey: Rule #76: No excuses. Play like a champion!
[in a speech at Christina's wedding, quoting what John has just told her]
Claire Cleary: True love is the soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
John Beckwith: I'd like to be pimps from Oakland or cowboys from Arizona but it's not Halloween. Grow up Peter Pan, Count Chocula.
Jeremy Grey: I hope you flip your bike over and knock your two front teeth out! You selfish son of a bitch! You leave me in the trenches taking grenades, John!
Jeremy Grey: Do you know what that awareness is, Gloria?
Gloria Cleary: What?
Jeremy Grey: That we're all one. That separateness is an illusion, and that I'm one with everyone - with the Prime Minister of England, and my cousin Harry, you and me, the fat kid from 'What's Happening,' the Olsen twins, Natalie Portman, the guy who wrote 'Catcher in the Rye,' Nat King Cole, Carrot Top, Jay-Z, Weird Al Yankovic, Harry Potter, if he existed, the whore on the street corner, your mother. We're all one.
[Kathleen Cleary walks into John's bedroom, unbuttons her blouse and shows John her boobs]
Kathleen Cleary: I just had my tits done. You like 'em?
John Beckwith: [shocked] Those... seem like lovely tits.
Kathleen Cleary: William doesn't give a shit about my tits.
John Beckwith: Well, darn him. But Mrs. Cleary, this is pretty sudden...
Kathleen Cleary: Oh, you been playing "Cat and Mouse" with me ever since you came here.
John Beckwith: Mrs. Cleary, I don't...
Kathleen Cleary: Call me Kat.
John Beckwith: Okay, Kat.
Kathleen Cleary: Call me "Kitty Kat".
John Beckwith: Okay, Kitty Kat. This feels "borderline" inappropriate.
[Kathleen walks closer to John]
Kathleen Cleary: Feel them.
John Beckwith: What?
Kathleen Cleary: I said feel them!
John Beckwith: Mrs. Cleary...
Kathleen Cleary: Kitty Kat.
John Beckwith: I'm sorry, Kitty Kat, are you out of your fucking mind?
Kathleen Cleary: I'm not letting you out of this room until you feel them.
[Completely hesitant and nervous, John feels her boobs; Kathleen moans softly]
John Beckwith: Wow, they feel really nice. Real orb-like. It's amazing what they can do...
[Kathleen shudders and puts her blouse back on]
Kathleen Cleary: Pervert!
Randolph: [In unrated version] You banging the daughter and the grandma? How much jam you got, man?
Jeremy Grey: Jam, I...
Randolph: Listen man, the family dog lives downstairs. I can wake him up for you if you like. His name is Snooky.
Jeremy Grey: You could not be more wrong about what's happening here...
Randolph: Just be gentle with her, OK? She be pushing 90.
Jeremy Grey: Tattoo on the lower back? Might as well be a bullseye.
John Beckwith: Claire! Will you wait just a second? All I wanted is was a second alone with you so I could explain things. But I've never gotten that chance. Maybe I don't deserve it, so here goes. For longer than I care to remember, my business has been crashing weddings. I crashed weddings to meet girls. Business was good. I met a *lot* of girls. It was childish and it was juvenile.
Claire Cleary: And pathetic.
John Beckwith: Yeah. That's probably the best word to describe it. But you know what? It also led me to you, so it's hard for me to completely regret it. And that person that you met back at your folks' place? That was really me. Maybe not my name, I'm John Beckwith by the way. Or my job. But the feelings we felt; the jokes, the stupid laughs, that was all me. I've changed. I've realized something. I crashed a funeral today.
Jeremy Grey: [mutters] Oh Jesus.
John Beckwith: It wasn't my idea, I was basically dragged to it.
John Beckwith: I went with Chazz who you forgot to tell me is totally insane. He also might be a genius because it actually does work, he's cleaning up.
Claire Cleary: John!
John Beckwith: I'm sorry, I'm sorry. That's neither here nor there. Anyway, I saw this widow and she's a wreck. She has just lost the person she loved the most in this world and I realized we're all going to lose the people we love. That's the way it is, but not me. Not right now. Because the person *I* love the most is standing right here and I'm not ready to lose you yet. Claire, I'm not standing here asking you to marry me, I'm just asking you not to marry *him* and maybe take a walk, take a chance.
Chazz Reinhold: So how's my protégé?
John Beckwith: Jeremy, believe it or not, is getting married!
Chazz Reinhold: What? What an idiot! What a loser! Good! Good! More for you and me.
Jeremy Grey: Does anyone know what this here is used for?
Little Boy: Rollin' a fatty?
Jeremy Grey: No... Not for... Where'd you learn that?
Janice: I've got the perfect girl for you!
Jeremy Grey: [sigh] Janice, I apologize to you if I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering do I have food on my face, am I eating, am I talking too much, are they talking enough, am I interested I'm not really interested, should I play like I'm interested but I'm not that interested but I think she might be interested but do I want to be interested but now she's not interested? So all of the sudden I'm getting, I'm starting to get interested... And when am I supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door cause then it's awkward, it's like well goodnight. Do you do like that ass-out hug? Where you like, you hug each other like this and your ass sticks out cause you're trying not to get too close or do you just go right in and kiss them on the lips or don't kiss them at all? It's very difficult trying to read the situation. And all the while you're just really wondering are we gonna get hopped up enough to make some bad decisions? Perhaps play a little game called "just the tip". Just for a second, just to see how it feels. Or, ouch, ouch you're on my hair.
Jeremy Grey: OK, can you, can you put that so he can't see it? Thank you. Hey, Janice... great talk.
Todd Cleary: Death, you are my bitch lover!
Secretary Cleary: Todd, that's good! Tell that mean ocean!
Mrs. Kroeger: You shut your mouth when you're talking to me!
Jeremy Grey: Wow. Mr. Environmental is also a hunter. That's got to be an interesting combination.
Sack Lodge: I hunt quail, Jeremy. They're overpopulated in this region and they're decimating the grubworm population. You got a fucking problem with that?
Jeremy Grey: Not nearly as much as I do with the attire that you have on, or just your general point of view towards everybody. But let's go kill some birds. I'm psyched.
Claire Cleary: So is it just about the money?
John Beckwith: No no, it's about, uh, investing in companies that are ethically and morally defensible.
Sack Lodge: Well, like what? Give me an example.
John Beckwith: Like what? Well, there's the company that we have where we're taking the, the fur or the wool from sheep and we turn it into thread for homeless people to sew. And then they make it into cloth, which they in turn sew, then um... make little shirts and pants for other homeless people to sell. It's a pretty good deal.
Jeremy Grey: [fumbling his words because Gloria is giving him a hand job under the dinner table] People - People helping people.
Claire Cleary: That's - that's very admirable.
John Beckwith: Thank you. Although, don't make me out to be a saint just yet. We do turn a small profit. After all, someone has to pay for the, uh,
[motions to Jeremy]
John Beckwith: Lap dancers for the big guy here.
Jeremy Grey: [laughing pleasurably] Oh, ha ha ha, he's joking around. It feels so good when he jokes.
John Beckwith: What are you doing? It's a game of touch football, every time I look over you're on your ass again.
John Beckwith: Sorry I'm late.
Jeremy Grey: No problem.
John Beckwith: I'm sorry I called you white trash.
Jeremy Grey: Apology accepted.
John Beckwith: And I'm sorry I called you hillbilly. I don't even know what that means.
Jeremy Grey: John, it's OK. Do you mind if I get married now?
John Beckwith: That brings us to the question of frequent flyer miles.
Mrs. Kroeger: I want them.
John Beckwith: Know what we're gonna do? We're gonna split them right down the middle. How would that be, Mr Kroeger?
Mr. Kroeger: It would be not good at all. I earned those miles.
Mrs. Kroeger: Yeah, you earned them flying to Denver to meet your whore.
Mr. Kroeger: She's not afraid to express herself sexually if that's what you mean.
Mrs. Kroeger: She's a stripper, for God's sake.
Mr. Kroeger: She is not.
Mrs. Kroeger: Her name is Chastity. She is white trash, same as you. Hillbilly!
John Beckwith: You better lock it up.
Jeremy Grey: No, you lock it up!
John Beckwith: You lock it up!
Jeremy Grey: You lock it up!
John Beckwith: You lock it up!
Jeremy Grey: Lock it up!
Chazz Reinhold: I almost numchucked you, you don't even realize!
John Beckwith: [to a group of children at a wedding] Love doesn't exist, that's what I'm trying to tell you guys. And I'm not picking on love, 'cause I don't think friendship exists either.
Jeremy Grey: Gloria, I apologize to you as I don't seem real eager to jump into a forced, awkward intimate situation that people like to call dating. I don't like the feeling. You're sitting there, you're wondering, 'Do I have food on my face? Am I eating? Am I talking too much? Are they talking enough? Am I interested? I'm not really... And when am i supposed to kiss her? Do I have to wait for the door? 'Cause then it's awkward, it's like "Well, good night." Do you do like to ass-out hug? Where you like... you hug each other like this, and the ass sticks out because you're trying not to get too close. Or do you go right in and just kiss 'em on the lips?
John Beckwith: Are you going to give a toast?
Claire Cleary: Yes.
John Beckwith: Nervous?
Claire Cleary: A little bit.
John Beckwith: What are you going to say?
[Claire pulls a piece of paper from inside her dress]
John Beckwith: You keep it in your cleavage.
Claire Cleary: Nowhere else to put it. Normally I'm not very good at these things, but I think this one's pretty good.
[John reads from Claire's notes]
John Beckwith: "I never thought my sister would find someone who cared about what other people thought as much as she did - until I met Craig?"!
Claire Cleary: Yes, that's funny. It's funny because it's true. People like funny.
John Beckwith: I know, but the whole funny-because-it's-true bit only works if the truth is a *small* thing like "everyone knows Jennifer likes to shop, ha ha ha". I think you're better off going with something from the heart. Honestly.
Claire Cleary: I think people are going to like this.
John Beckwith: I think you're going to hear crickets.
Claire Cleary: I think you're wrong.
John Beckwith: Sounds of silence. Go walk the plank.
Claire Cleary: Uh uh. I'm sticking to it.
John Beckwith: Ok, meet me at the back of the room. I'll be the guy waiting to say I told you so.
Claire Cleary: [to Sack] I can't marry you.
Sack Lodge: Secretary. Your daughter's a little...
Secretary Cleary: Sack, I've always liked you. So I put up with your stories about scallops and otters, and it's all good because you seem to make her happy and that's what matters to me most. But this is *her* decision.
[he makes a mock salute to her]
Secretary Cleary: I stand by my daughter.
Sack Lodge: [waving him off] You don't know shit.
John Beckwith: Secretary Cleary, I'm John Ryan.
Secretary Cleary: Hi, John.
John Beckwith: I just wanted to tell you how much I enjoyed your position paper on economic expansion in Micronesia.
Secretary Cleary: You've read my position paper?
John Beckwith: I read it while I was sailing my boat to Bermuda.
Secretary Cleary: A sailor? Good man! Take a seat. You didn't happen to catch my speech on the Paraguayan debt and money supply issue did you?
John Beckwith: Are you kidding me? I thought it was great! Your argument for the inverse ratio of capitalization to debt was genius. Now if we could just get Congress not to be so short-sighted.
Secretary Cleary: Yes! Well put. Short-sighted. John, what d'you say we head onto the deck and light up a couple of cigars?
John Beckwith: Stogies?
Secretary Cleary: Yeah.
John Beckwith: Why not?
Sack Lodge: What's this, uh, company called?
Jeremy Grey: [Screaming because Gloria is secretly masturbating him to the end; climaxing] HOLY SHI...
John Beckwith: [Thinking fast] Shirts and Pants! Holy Shirts and Pants. It's a little corny and obvious, but what do you get out of being subtle, right?
Woman at Jewish Reception: I saw you at the wedding.
John Beckwith: Yeah?
Woman at Jewish Reception: You were crying.
John Beckwith: Oh shit! You weren't supposed to see that. Now you probably think I'm a big pussy.
Woman at Jewish Reception: No, you were so sweet.
Jeremy Grey: Have you even shot one of these things before?
John Beckwith: The whole 17 years we've known each other I've been sneaking off to go on little hunting trips around the world. No, I don't even know what the fuck a quail is!
Jeremy Grey: I feel totally ridiculous. Like why do I have to be in camouflage? So the big bad quail doesn't see me?
John Beckwith: I know. Why can't we hunt something cool like a hawk or an eagle, something with some talons?
Jeremy Grey: That'd be awesome. We could get something like big game. Even like a gorilla or a rhinoceros or a fucking human being! That'll get you jacked up.
John Beckwith: That's a little heavy.
Jeremy Grey: I mean like, hunt a human being right now, "Most Dangerous Game". Like a worthy adversary. Not a human being that's armed, but a clever, a clever, human being who knows the jungle. Or the woods.
Chazz Reinhold: [almost whispering] What the fuck do you want?
[to impress Gloria, Jeremy has been making balloon models for the children]
Gloria Cleary: You're good.
Jeremy Grey: I'm just warming up. Last week I did an exact replica, to scale, of Wrigley Field. Honest to God. I don't have anywhere to put it.
Gloria Cleary: OK then, I'll take a sports car.
Jeremy Grey: How about a dance?
Gloria Cleary: That's what I really wanted.
Vivian: Would you say you're completely full of shit or just 50%?
John Beckwith: I hope just 50 but who knows.
Secretary Cleary: Once Sack and Claire tie the knot, two of the great American families, the Clearys and the Lodges, will finally unite.
John Beckwith: And then of course you can challenge the Klingons for interstellar domination.
[stunned silence, then Claire laughs]
Hindu Woman: [while dancing at a wedding reception] French Foreign Legion?
John Beckwith: Yeah, we lost a lot of good men out there.
[cut to another reception]
Bridesmaid: Mount Everest?
Jeremy Grey: I don't like to talk about it because we lost so many good men out there.
[cut to another reception]
John Beckwith: We lost so many good men out there.
Bridesmaid: Playing with the Yankees?
John Beckwith: Yes, with the Yankees you loose good men to trades and unruly fans. Look I don't want to talk about it. I'm sorry.
Claire Cleary: What is true love?
John Beckwith: True love is your soul's recognition of its counterpoint in another.
Claire Cleary: It's a little cheesy but I like it.
John Beckwith: I read it on a bumper sticker!
Bratty Kid: I want a bicycle.
Jeremy Grey: Listen, a bicycle is going to take a lot of balloons and frankly, uncle Jeremy is a bit tired. How about I make you something else?
Bratty Kid: I just want a bicycle!
Jeremy Grey: Why... why are you yelling at me?
Bratty Kid: Make me a bicycle, clown!
Jeremy Grey: All right, I'm going to make you a bicycle. But I don't want to make you a bicycle.
Bratty Kid: Shut your mouth, funny guy, and make it.
Jeremy Grey: [later] Take that, you hyena, don't say thank you.
[talking at the dinner table about Franklin Roosevelt]
Grandma Mary Cleary: But that wife of his, Eleanor... Big dyke! Huge dyke. A real rug muncher. Looked like a big lesbian mule.
Sack Lodge: Claire, you get your fucking ass on that altar right now!
John Beckwith: Wow, we're getting a great preview of what marriage is gonna be like with Ike Turner over here.
Jeremy Grey: [on the phone with Gloria] Bunch those panties up into a little ball, and put that little ball right in your mouth. Oh, yeah...
[John walks in]
Jeremy Grey: And, um, yeah. I will definitely call you back later, then. I'll talk to you soon. Thank you, Larry.
Jeremy Grey: I'm sure you'd love to be free, maybe go out and meet some Latin guy that can dance, grind up on you, make you feel dangerous but also safe. And how about you? Don't you want to get inside Chastity without having to wonder if everyone's gonna find out?
John Beckwith: God, wouldn't that be sweet?
Jeremy Grey: Wouldn't that be nice? And have some Latin guy sweating all over you, talking to you in languages you don't understand, needing you, wanting you, taking you?
John Beckwith: All we're trying to say is, put your swords away for a second. Let's finish this and let's move on.
Jeremy Grey: Get out there and get some strange ass.
Jeremy Grey: Are you kidding me? I love crab cakes! They're phenomenal!
Jeremy Grey: Never walk away from a crasher in a funny jacket! Rule #115!
Flip: Yeah! Crabcakes and Football. That's what Maryland does!
Jeremy Grey: She hasn't returned your phone calls, she hasn't responded to any of your letters, she didn't respond to the candygram. God knows what happened to the kitten you got for her. 'Cause she didn't keep it, and I know you're not raising the goddamn thing. I think it's very obvious at this juncture that she just flat out does not wanna see you.
[Jeremy's hands and feet are tied to the bed]
Secretary Cleary: Are you okay in here?
Jeremy Grey: I was just having a bad dream.
Jeremy Grey: I'm gonna go see Dr. Finklestein and I'm gonna tell him we have a whole new bag of issues. We can forget about mom for a while.
Jeremy Grey: Just a couple of kids who like to fuck, tryin' to make it honest, I get it...
Todd Cleary: Jeremy tried to seduce me! I want my painting back!
Jeremy Grey: The painting was a gift, Todd. I'm taking it with me.
Jeremy Grey: Okay, what's our back story?
John Beckwith: We're brothers from New Hampshire. We're venture capitalists.
Jeremy Grey: I'm sick of that. Let's be from Vermont. And let's have an emerging maple syrup conglomerate.
John Beckwith: Wait, that's stupid. We don't know anything about maple syrup.
Jeremy Grey: I happen to know everything there is to know about maple syrup! I love maple syrup. I love maple syrup on pancakes. I love it on pizza. And I take maple syrup and put a little bit in my hair when I've had a rough week. What do you think holds it up, slick?
Jeremy Grey: I got to get outta here, pronto. I got a stage five clinger. Stage five, virgin, clinger.
Jeremy Grey: I felt like Jodie Foster in "The Accused" last night.
Jeremy Grey: [about Gloria] She took me below deck for forty-five minutes. I have no bodily fluids left in me.
Secretary Cleary: Well, the guy wants to run for president, he thinks Moby Dick is a venereal disease.
[Claire enters the bathroom and finds Sack vomiting in the toilet]
Claire Cleary: Are you okay?
Sack Lodge: Well, Claire. My head's buried in a toilet. What do you think? You do the math.
Claire Cleary: Honey, it's ok to be vulnerable sometimes, it's just me.
Sack Lodge: You know, you can just cut that psycho babble bullshit your mom tells you ok? You wanna help me out? Do ya? Do ya kid? Why don't you go get me a 7Up, ok? All right, 'cause I think I might get vulnerable again.
[after playing football]
Kathleen Cleary: Boy, it's hot out here.
John Beckwith: Yeah.
Kathleen Cleary: You should've played in your underwear.
Jeremy Grey: That's interesting John, that glass looks half full to me.
John Beckwith: Wow, now that you mention it, it *is* half full.
[Todd gets up angrily from the dining table]
Todd Cleary: I'll be in my room, painting.
Todd Cleary: Homo things!
Mr. Kroeger: I don't have custody of the kids.
Mrs. Kroeger: You know what?
Mr. Kroeger: I don't get custody.
Mrs. Kroeger: It is an insane pathetic joke, what I've had to go through.
Mr. Kroeger: Right now, right now, she doesn't know where the kids are, do you?
Mrs. Kroeger: Do not talk about me as a mother.
Jeremy Grey: [confessing to Father O'Neil] You wanna know what the kicker is, father? Maybe I'm a little fucking crazy. That's right, maybe Jeremy's a little nuts. Maybe there's something about me that I'm a little cuckoo. I know it's a surprise, I know it's not on the surface. I mean, I had an imaginary friend when I was kid, and his name was Shiloh! We used to play checkers with each other every day, and bless his heart, Shiloh would always let me win!
[John walks toward Claire, who is on the swing]
John Beckwith: You can't marry this guy.
Claire Cleary: Why?
John Beckwith: Because I've fallen for you.
Jeremy Grey: I'm getting married.
John Beckwith: Get out.
[Points at the door]
Jeremy Grey: But you just said you were happy...
John Beckwith: I'm hanging by a thread. I'm reading don't-kill-myself books.
Jeremy Grey: You said the book wasn't yours.
John Beckwith: Don't worry about the book. It's not mine. But I glanced at it.
Old Italian Woman: Who's that?
Old Italian Man: That's Luigi and Gina's son Christopher, the Banker.
[Gloria is treating Jeremy's badly cut leg]
Jeremy Grey: Oh Jesus Christ, it burns.
Gloria Cleary: Poor baby.
Jeremy Grey: It stings.
Gloria Cleary: You want me to blow on it?
Jeremy Grey: [thinking it's a blow job] No! No! I don't need any blowing.
Gloria Cleary: Jeremy... I'm not wearin' any panties. Let's rock!
[Gloria spins her hair around]
Jeremy Grey: Ok. Ok. That was nice. I don't understand what's going on. It's like, eight hours ago you were a shy little virgin, and now you're not wearing any panties. I'm just trying to catch up with you here.
Gloria Cleary: You do that to me? Ooh...
[she grabs Jeremy's crotch]
Gloria Cleary: Where's my little friend? Where's my little friend?
Jeremy Grey: [panicking] He's tired! He's tired! He's in time-out! He's in time-out!
Chazz Reinhold: What is she doing back there? I never know what she's doing.
Jeremy Grey: John? I need to see you right away. It's important.
John Beckwith: [Walking into Jeremy's office] What's going on?
Jeremy Grey: [sighs] We got three big weeks ahead of us. It's wedding season, kid!
John Beckwith: You sandbaggin' son of a bitch!
Jeremy Grey: I've got us down for 17 of them already.
John Beckwith: Okay, now how many of them have cash bars?
Jeremy Grey: Great question. I like where your head's at and two of them actually are, but I got us covered: Purple hearts. We won't have to pay for a drink all night.
John Beckwith: Oh, yeah. Perfect.
Jeremy Grey: We are gonna have tons and tons of opportunities to meet gorgeous ladies that get so aroused by the thought of marriage that they'll throw their inhibitions to the wind.
John Beckwith: And who's gonna be there to catch them?
Jeremy Grey: Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly, pal! What do you like better, Christmas or Wedding Season?
[Jeremy raises his hand]
John Beckwith: Mr. Grey?
Jeremy Grey: Yes. The answer would be, um, Wedding Season?
John Beckwith: Bingo! I'm gonna get my suit. Now who are we this time?
Claire Cleary: Are you OK?
John Beckwith: Yeah, I'm just swinging the jib for your dad, starboard.
Claire Cleary: But starboard's *this* way.
John Beckwith: That's right. What am I thinking? I'm used to sailing Down Under with the Kiwis so everything's backwards. Even the toilets, when you flush them, the water spins the opposite way. Really freaks you out the first time you see it.
John Beckwith: What are you going to do for an encore? Walk on water?
Old Chinese Man: That's Mai Lin's adopted son Manni, the veterinarian.
Best Man: After my ninth stint in rehab, Craig - ah Craig, Craig was the only one who still believed in me. Been sober now for eight months.
Father O'Neil: As you know, Craig and Christina are quite the sailing enthusiasts. In that light, they have elected to exchange vows which they themselves have written.
Craig: I, Craig, take you, Christina, to be my wife, my best friend and my first mate. Through sickness and health, clear skies and squalls.
Christina Cleary: I, Christina, take you, Craig, to be my best friend and my captain... to be your anchor and your sail... your starboard and your port.
[Claire giggles silently, hiding behind the bouquet that she is holding]
Jeremy Grey: [mutters] Well this is a first!
Father O'Neil: And now I pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the first mate.
[Claire giggles again]
Jeremy Grey: Listen, I'm getting married.
John Beckwith: Get out.
[points at the door]
Jeremy Grey: What? You just sat there and said you were happy for me, that I...
John Beckwith: I'm hanging by a thread. I'm reading don't-kill-myself books.
Jeremy Grey: You said that the book wasn't yours.
John Beckwith: Don't worry about the book. It isn't mine. But I glanced at it.
Jeremy Grey: John, you've been my friend for 16 years. I'm getting married. I need you there to be my best man.
John Beckwith: Kindly leave!
Jeremy Grey: I'm try...
John Beckwith: [cuts him off; whispers] Kindly leave.
Jeremy Grey: Buddy, for your own good you gotta let this go.
John Beckwith: I think we've got a crier.
Jeremy Grey: No shot.
John Beckwith: 20 bucks.
Jeremy Grey: Make it 40.
[Bride at alter bursts into tears]
Jeremy Grey: [watching Gloria coming up the aisle] Hello, Red! Dibs.
John Beckwith: [watching Claire coming up the aisle] She's all yours. I ain't gonna fight you.
Father O'Neil: And now for our next reading I'd like to ask the bride's sister Gloria up to the lectern.
John Beckwith: 20 bucks, First Corinthians.
Jeremy Grey: Double or nothing, Colossians 3:12.
Gloria Cleary: And now a reading from Paul's first letter to the Corinthians.
John Beckwith: How long have you and the Secretary been married?
Kathleen Cleary: 30 years next April.
John Beckwith: That's beautiful.
Kathleen Cleary: Yeah. And we were faithful for two of them.
Claire Cleary: Actually Todd is an amazing painter. He's going to the Rhode Island School of Design.
John Beckwith: Wow, that's a great school. Congratulations, Todd. That's really impressive. RIS-D!
Todd Cleary: Yeah, Dad - Dad always thought I'd be a political liability...
Todd Cleary: ...in case he ever ran for President.
Secretary Cleary: Now, now Todd. Actually, truth be told, polling shows that a majority of the American people would ultimately empathize with our situation.
Todd Cleary: [sharply, raising his voice] What IS our situation, Dad?
Grandma Mary Cleary: You're a homo.
Chazz Reinhold: Yeah, her boyfriend just died. Dude died in a hang-gliding accident! What an idiot!
[sarcastically imitating dead boyfriend]
Chazz Reinhold: "Aaaahhh, I'm hang-gliding! Take a good picture, honey, I'm dead!"
Secretary Cleary: It wouldn't kill you to play some competitive sports, once in a while.
Todd Cleary: [suddenly incensed] Would that make you love me?
Todd Cleary: We had a moment at the dinner table didn't we?
Jeremy Grey: No! No! We did not have a moment at the dinner table, Todd!
Jeremy Grey: I'm not perfect, but who are we kidding, neither are you.
Jeremy Grey: Gloria, I've been doing a lot of soul searching recently, and I think I'm ready to take this relationship, our relationship to the next level.
Gloria Cleary: Jeremy, I am so ready to take it to the next level.
Jeremy Grey: Really?
Gloria Cleary: Yeah. Do you want to watch me with another girl? How about those Brazilian twins we met at the ball game?
Jeremy Grey: I was thinking more along the lines of an engagement.
Gloria Cleary: [Overwhelmed with emotion and happiness. Ecstatic] Oh Jeremy, I do!
Jeremy Grey: I love you.
Gloria Cleary: I love you.
Claire Cleary: Don't you think that's really soon?
Secretary Cleary: Well, you know Gloria, she's impetuous. Has to have what she wants, when she wants it. We had to give her a sweet sixteen on her thirteenth birthday!
Chazz Reinhold: [John has come to visit] Oh, come in, sit down, I was-hey, you want something to eat?
Chazz Reinhold: HEY MOM! CAN WE GET SOME MEATLOAF?
[the men are hunting quails in the forest; Secretary Cleary blows his quail whistle]
Sack Lodge: There's something not right about these guys.
Flip: What do you mean?
Sack Lodge: I mean, it's time to send them home.
Flip: Sack, don't do anything crazy.
Sack Lodge: Just relax. I'm just gonna scare them a little bit.
Flip: All right.
[Sack cocks his rifle and aims it at Jeremy]
Sack Lodge: [Yells] TO THE RIGHT!
[Everyone aims and shoots; John and Jeremy screams; John falls to the ground, pulls the trigger, and then shoots Jeremy]
Jeremy Grey: [Screaming] Aaaahhh! They got me!
Sack Lodge: [laughs] Oh, shit!
Jeremy Grey: THEY GOT ME!
John Beckwith: Oh, shit.
Jeremy Grey: I always knew I was never going to be a professional bull fighter, but that's not why I did it.
Jeremy Grey: Oh, that's terrific! Why don't you just feed me to the lions? Step on my head when I am drowning.
John Beckwith: What?
Jeremy Grey: What do you mean "what"? What a great friend, John. This is completely against the rules. You have a wedding and a reception to seal the deal. Period. There's no overtime.
John Beckwith: No overtime. Yeah, well what about the Chang wedding three years ago. 2am, you drag me fifty miles to watch you and some chick play Mah-Jongg with her grandmother? In a retirement home.
Jeremy Grey: Completely different situation. She was a very, very family-oriented girl. And very into her grandmother.
John Beckwith: Yeah.
Jeremy Grey: [Yells aloud] *That was my first Asian!*
[the entire room goes silent]
[Jeremy wakes up in the middle of the night to find Gloria on top of him rubbing her nipples on his face and tying his hands and feet to the bed with rope]
Gloria Cleary: I've been thinking about what you said and I think the problem is that I'm not being adventurous enough for you.
Jeremy Grey: Gloria, I'm pretty sure that is *not* what I've been saying to you.
Gloria Cleary: [seductively] Baby, I'm going to make all your fantasies come true.
Jeremy Grey: But this is not fantasy...
[He mumbles and moans as she gags him with his sock, then starts squirming]
Gloria Cleary: [softly crying] I love you.
John Beckwith: I have a better idea. Throw an interception to Claire, get her feeling good about herself. You think you can do that?
Jeremy Grey: John, I was first team All-State. I can put the ball anywhere I want to. I'll make it rain out here.
[Jeremy punches Sack, sending him sprawling to the ground]
Jeremy Grey: Share that with the Dalai Lama, jack ass!
John Beckwith: Hey, listen. What angle are you going to play here?
Jeremy Grey: I am going to go with the balloon animal display. For the kids. And then when she comes close to check it out, guess who is the broken man, haunted past? How about you?
John Beckwith: I am going to go dance with the little flower girl. Oh, and I might be a charter member of Oprah's book club.
Jeremy Grey: It's all deadly.
[Mr Kroeger's wife opens up a bottle of pills]
Mr. Kroeger: That's it! Go comatose for me, baby.
Secretary Cleary: You know she is not just another notch on the old belt.
Jeremy Grey: I don't even wear a belt... Beltless.
Secretary Cleary: [menacingly] I am a very powerful man.
Jeremy Grey: Yes, you are.
[Cleary pauses meaningfully]
Secretary Cleary: [cheerfully] See you for dinner.
Gloria Cleary: Ah! That was amazing.
Jeremy Grey: Yeah, it was really great. We should probably head back so they're not looking for us.
Gloria Cleary: I always knew my first time would be on a beach.
Jeremy Grey: [stunned] First time? You're a virgin?
Gloria Cleary: Mm-hmm.
Jeremy Grey: Wow.
Gloria Cleary: Jeremy, we are going to be so happy together. I love you.
Jeremy Grey: [bewildered] I'm sorry?
Gloria Cleary: I love you.
Jeremy Grey: I'm sorry. I'm not sorry. Okay? I'm not gonna apologize, I'm a cocksman!
[gets glares from wedding guests]
John Beckwith: [to wedding guests] Tourette's.
Jeremy Grey: I feel so tiny in your arms.
Guest at wedding: How tall are you?
Jeremy Grey: Six foot five, but I feel like I'm four feet.
John Beckwith: Get up, you're making us look like pussies.
Jeremy Grey: If I had any air in my lungs I'd scream at you.
Jeremy Grey: [speaking to Father O'Neil about Gloria] She's fit for a strait-jacket. This broad's fucked three ways towards the weekend. But you know what, Father? I dig it! It turns me on.
Jeremy Grey: [in response to the outfit he's wearing] I'm not even gunna say it, but you know I'm upset.
John Beckwith: Yes. But I think you look good.
Jeremy Grey: You know I don't look good.
Todd Cleary: I made you a painting. I call it "Celebration." It's sexual and violent. I thought you might like it.
[after Sack outruns John and scores a touchdown]
Jeremy Grey: What happened?
John Beckwith: I think he's on steroids. It's like trying to cover a fucking race horse.
Jeremy Grey: [quarterbacking a touch football game] John! Red seven!
John Beckwith: I don't know what red seven means.
Jeremy Grey: Hot route!
John Beckwith: I don't... What is hot route?
Jeremy Grey: Will you just go stand on the other side please?
Jeremy Grey: [smacks his butt] Watch me take this on down the road.
John Beckwith: [introducing himself at a wedding reception] Sanjay Collins.
Jeremy Grey: Chuck Vindaloo. Excited to be here.
[cut to another reception]
John Beckwith: Seamus O'Toole.
Jeremy Grey: Bobby O'Shea.
John Beckwith: I'm ready to get drunk!
Claire Cleary: We're a folk singing group from Salt Lake City.
Gloria Cleary: Yeah!
Jeremy Grey: Yes, we are.
[Gloria and Claire throw up their arms and scream like rock fans at a concert]
John Beckwith: [about Chazz] He lived with his mom till he was forty! She tried to poison his oatmeal!
Jeremy Grey: Erroneous! Erroneous! Erroneous on both counts!
John Beckwith: [after Jeremy gets violently tackled to the ground] You were awesome... she's buying it, now quit messing around and get up.
Jeremy Grey: [after getting the wind knocked out of him, whispering] I'm not messing around, I can't breathe.
John Beckwith: Oh, come on, now you're just milking it.
Jeremy Grey: [looks up in disgust, still whispering] I hate you.
Jeremy Grey: Grab that net and catch that beautiful butterfly, pal!
[seeing Gloria throwing a tantrum in front of her father]
Jeremy Grey: Looks like a little kid at Toys-R-Us.
Jeremy Grey: I can't be around her.
John Beckwith: Get off your high horse and stop judging people.
John Beckwith: Oh, *you're* gonna cover me.
Claire Cleary: Like white on rice.
John Beckwith: All right I like my odds here. Let me give you a little warning, I'm going downtown. Look for me in the endzone after this play, I'll be the guy holding the ball.
Jeremy Grey: That's not how you cut cake, you gotta treat cake like a lady!
[after Sack announces his engagement to Claire at the dining table]
Ken Cleary: Congratulations, young man! Welcome to the family!
Jeremy Grey: Guys, the real enemy here, is the institution of marriage, it unrealistic, it's crazy!
John Beckwith: And do ya maybe feel the same way?
Claire Cleary: Maybe.
John Beckwith: [relieved] Maybe. That's all I needed to know.
Claire Cleary: [exhales in frustration] But this is crazy, because I don't know any...
John Beckwith: Why?
Claire Cleary: I don't know anything about you!
John Beckwith: What do you mean?
Claire Cleary: You do investments in New Hampshire, and you have a... crazy brother...
John Beckwith: Well, actually, I need to talk to you about that. I'm not a big deal, but maybe youn wanna sit back on the swing.
[a gunshot is heard from inside the Cleary mansion; Grandma Cleary is chasing Jeremy outside]
Jeremy Grey: RUN! JOHNNY! She's tryin' to kill me!
Claire Cleary: Grandma!
John Beckwith: Whoa! Whoa!
Jeremy Grey: Get the gun from her!
Secretary Cleary: Put the gun down! Mother, stop!
Jeremy Grey: This is the real world, lady! You can't just go shooting people on a whim!
John Beckwith: [shocked] What did you do?
Jeremy Grey: [to Father O'Neil] I told you that in confidence. That was a confession!
Claire Cleary: What are you talking about?
Sack Lodge: Why don't you tell her, John?
John Beckwith: I don't know what goin' on.
Sack Lodge: [whispers] You don't know?
John Beckwith: I'm playing Catch-up too.
[Sack punches John in the chest]
Claire Cleary: [yells] Sack! What are you doing?
Sack Lodge: You remembering yet? You remember yet?
Claire Cleary: [to John] Are you okay? Sack!
Sack Lodge: They're not who they say they are, Claire. Those aren't even their real names.
Claire Cleary: What?
Sack Lodge: No, everything they told you was a lie.
Claire Cleary: [confused] I-I don't understand what your saying.
Sack Lodge: Claire, they crash weddings. They crash weddings so that they can sleep with girls. Everything that they told us has been a complete fabrication!
Claire Cleary: You're joking.
Sack Lodge: All of it was a - Don't you fuckin' get up!
Claire Cleary: Sack, will you just stop?
Sack Lodge: [backs away] Okay. Okay.
[Claire demands the truth]
Claire Cleary: Is that true?
John Beckwith: [hesitates] No - Well, no, it's... not entirely.
Claire Cleary: No. It's a "Yes" or "No" question.
John Beckwith: I know, but it's complicated.
Claire Cleary: [turns angry] Yes or No?
[the family looks on John and Jeremy in disbelief]
Claire Cleary: Yes or No?
John Beckwith: Yes...
[the family is shocked and upset; Claire is at a loss for words]
John Beckwith: with shades of grey.
Jeremy Grey: [to Gloria] I'm not perfect. But who are we kidding? Neither are you. And you wanna know what? I dig it!
Jeremy Grey: [Trying to have sex on the bathroom toilet] Gloria please I'm exhausted, I've had a very long day I had your sister's boyfriend dry hump me up and down the field all afternoon my leg's cut and bleeding I'm really not in the mood for this
Gloria Cleary: [Slaps his open wound] JESUS CHRIST
Gloria Cleary: My father warned me about people like you Jeremy, I'm just another notch on your belt
Jeremy Grey: What are you talking about? It's not like that
Gloria Cleary: [about to spray rubbing alcohol on his wound] Then what's it like Jeremy?
Jeremy Grey: [Panicking] NO WAIT I just feel very strongly that we're starting only to expressing ourselves in a physically sexual specifically way and I just want to play some "catch-up" on finding who's inside here
[pointing to his heart]
Gloria Cleary: Jeremy, you're amazing
Jeremy Grey: I think you're amazing
Gloria Cleary: Don't "ever" leave me
Jeremy Grey: Ever
Gloria Cleary: Good. Because I'd find you