The Pacifier (2005)
Lulu Plummer: Do you know Kung Fu?
Shane Wolfe: Yes.
Lulu Plummer: Have you ever hit a guy so hard his head came off?
Shane Wolfe: No.
Lulu Plummer: Why are your boobs so big?
Shane Wolfe: [shocked] They are not... boobs.
Lulu Plummer: Do you have to wear a bra?
Shane Wolfe: What?
Lulu Plummer: Will mine be as big as yours one day?
Shane Wolfe: Isn't it about time you go nappy-poo in beddy-bye land?
Lulu Plummer: Do I look like I'm five?
Shane Wolfe: What did I say?
Lulu Plummer: Disrespectful. And to think I was interested in you.
Lulu Plummer: [as her Firefly troops see Shane in nothing but a towel] I told you he had boobs.
Shane Wolfe: [after Seth has gone to his room] Where's the older male? There were five.
Helga: [fearfully] He walks like Dracula, silent as the dead.
Zoe Plummer: He's in his room.
Shane Wolfe: Mrs. Plummer, I will personally make sure your kids are...
[Gary the Duck bites him in the ear]
Shane Wolfe: Oh, my God!
Julie Plummer: [puts Gary down] Sorry, that's Gary. He was Howard's.
Shane Wolfe: He bit me!
Julie Plummer: I know. He thinks he's a guard dog.
Lulu Plummer: I think you're cute!
Shane Wolfe: [awkwardly] Thank you.
Director: We open in a week, people! The set isn't finished. Mother Abbess just quit because she has shingles. And, every step-ball change would make Bob Fosse rise from the grave just so he could have a heart attack again!
Seth Plummer: I'll get it right.
Director: No, you won't. You and your... *mother* over here can't get it right. And, I know this because I am a professional. I directed Show Boat with Greg Brady. It wasn't union, but it was good. Good! Good! Good!
[puts hand up to rest up against prop, but crashes through it and falls down and then gets up and straightens himself out]
Director: Obviously, I quit!
Shane Wolfe: [to the kids he's watching] I'm never gonna be able to remember your names so you're Red One, Red Two, Red Three, Red Baby.
Shane Wolfe: [while changing the baby's diaper] Ewwww, Red Baby!
Julie Plummer: [after hitting Mrs. Chen and knocking her unconscious] She was never really a good neighbor.
Helga: [to Shane] Are you license to kill?
Shane Wolfe: ...No, why?
Helga: Too bad. It could have come in handy.
Firefly Scout: Den mother, you frighten me.
Shane Wolfe: Good.
Zoe Plummer: [about the people at the party] Who are all these people?
Scott: I don't know.
Zoe Plummer: We need to talk.
Scott: Don't hate the player, girl, hate the game.
Seth Plummer: [as they're being chased by the police] Zoey, you're going too fast! You're not gonna have enough time to stop!
Zoe Plummer: Who said anything about stopping? I'm parking!
Mr. Chun: [Seth sprays him in the face with a fire extinguisher] That stuff doesn't hurt.
[Seth hits him in the face with the extinguisher]
[after Shane lets Zoe drive the family to school, Lulu tumbles out of the car]
Lulu Plummer: [kissing the ground] Land! Solid land!
Shane Wolfe: Think of it as a Bradley Assault Vehicle.
Seth Plummer: Yeah, especially with Zoe driving.
Julie Plummer: I trusted you... Howard trusted you... you betrayed us... and you betrayed your country.
Capt. Bill Fawcett: Guess what? North Korea pays better.
Vice Principal Murney: [upon meeting Shane] I'm Vice Principal Murney, or Murnanator as the wrestling team calls me. My friends call me Little Puppet.
[after seeing Woody Woodchuck's kiddie restaurant]
Shane Wolfe: And they say war is hell.
Shane Wolfe: [to Vice Principle Murney] I can't today, I'm on duty...
Vice Principal Murney: [to Shane] Oh yeah, you're babysitting. More like "doo-doo duty."
Seth Plummer: [Shane kicks in Seth's bedroom door - Seth exits the bathroom] Oh my god! What did you do?
Shane Wolfe: I was trying to protect you!
Seth Plummer: How? By pulling a shock-and-awe on my door?
Shane Wolfe: I can fix that.
Seth Plummer: No you can't! It's broken in half!
First Junior Grizzly: Hey Skeever, what do you put in a jar and shake till they're dead?
Second Junior Grizzly: Fireflies!
Lulu Plummer: I can cross my eyes, wanna see?
Shane Wolfe: No!
Lulu Plummer: [crosses her eyes, then baby Tyler cries] He hates it when I do that.
Shane Wolfe: I know the feeling.
Lulu Plummer: [Upon arriving to party taking place at the house] Holy bologna, someone's gonna get busted.
Shane Wolfe: When you're down and low, lower than the floor, And you feel like you ain't got a chance. Bom, bom, bom, Don't make a move till you're in the groove And do the Peter Panda Dance:
Shane Wolfe: 'Just hop three times like a kangaroo, Side-step twice just like those/the crabs do, Three steps forward, one step back. Quick like a turtle, lie on your back!
Shane Wolfe: 'Roll like a log till you can't roll no more!' Better jump up quick like there ain't no floor, Hold your breath, and jump/step/slide to the left'; And that's the Peter, I swear that's the Peter, That's the Peter Panda Dance!
[And then he goes on and say]
Shane Wolfe: Goodnight, Peter Panda!
Mrs. Chun: [after eyebrows get burned off] I just got my eyebrows done!
Shane Wolfe: They were after this.
[He loads the "GHOST" disc into laptop, the movie "Ghost" begins playing]
Lulu Plummer: They want our "Ghost" movie? Haven't they heard of Blockbuster?
Vice Principal Murney: You mess with the bull, you get the horns!
[puts two fingers on his head]
Shane Wolfe: [garage door opens, and minivan is revealed] What is it?
Seth Plummer: It's a minivan.
[when Lulu's tracker alarm beeps, Shane runs to her classroom, opens the door, and rolls in, ready for action - and sees the class staring at him, while Lulu is doing "show and tell."]
Lulu Plummer: See? But he usually breaks down the door.
Shane Wolfe: Once upon a time, there was a family of elves and one day the little elf family went into the magic forest to look for a secret gnome facility. The gnomes were turning mushrooms into uranium, so three of the elves laid down heavy suppressive fire on the gnomes while the others manoeuvered around to the right flank, killing all those left alive.
Shane Wolfe: Rule number one: never be too eager to rush your opponent.
Shane Wolfe: From this position, it is relatively easy to manipulate your opponent. Thus we have the chicken wing, the arm bar, the crow bar and my personal favorite - the pacifier.
[after Shane just did the Peter Panda Dance for Peter]
Peter Plummer: Good night, Daddy!