The Producers (2005)
Max Bialystock: How did it begin? He walked into my office with his cockamamy scheme! You can make more money with a flop than with a hit! We can do it. We can do it. I can't do it. We can do it. I can't do it. Good-bye Max! Oh Lord I want that money! I'm back Max! Come on Leo we can do it! Step 1: Find the Play! See it, Smell it, Touch it, Kiss it! Hello Mr. Liebkind! Guten Tag, hop hop Guten Tag, clop clop! Adolf Elizabeth Hitler? Guten Tag, hop hop Guten Tag, clop clop! Step 2: Hire the Director Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it Two-three, kick, turn, turn, turn, kick, turn! Ulla! Oooh wah weee wah wah wow wowie! Step 3: Raise the Money! Along Came Bialy! Step 4: Hire all the actors! A wandering minstrel I, A thing of shreds and... Next! The little wooden boy. Next! That's our Hitler! Break a leg! I broke my leg! Springtime for Hitler and Germany- A surprise smash! Springtime for Hitler and Germany- It'll run for years! Where did we go right? Where did we go right? Gimme those books Fat, fat, fatty! Gimme those books! Fat, fat, fatty! Books, fat! Books, fat! Books, fat! Books, fat! Lousy fruit- Kill the actors You ever eat with one? Then you ran to Rio And you're safely out of reach, I'm behind these bars you're banging Ulla on the beach! Just like Julius Caesar was betrayed by Brutus, Who'd think an accountant would turn out to be my Judas! I'm so dismayed, is this how I'm repaid? To be... Betrayed! BETRAYED!
Leo Bloom: So what time can you get here?
Ulla: Well, Ulla wake up every morning at five AM. From five to seven, Ulla excercise. From seven to eight Ulla take long shower. From eight to nine Ulla eat big Swedish breakfast. Many different herrings. From nine to eleven, Ulla practice her singing und her dancing. And at eleven, Ulla like to have sex. So, what time should Ulla get here?
Ulla: Good! Ulla will come at eleven!
Max Bialystock: [holding his head in his hands] Ulla will come at eleven...
Ulla: God dag min vannina!
Ulla: God bless America!
Max Bialystock: God bless Sweden!
Franz Liebkind: Stand still! How can I shoot you if you keep moving!
Ulla: My name is Ulla Inka Hanson Benson Yanson Tallen Hallen Swadon Swanson.
Max Bialystock: What is your first name?
Ulla: Oh that was my first name. Would you like to hear my last name?
Max Bialystock: We don't have the time.
Max Bialystock: Hey... kid! Hey! Yoo-hoo? Look at this...
[steps over Leo]
Max Bialystock: How can I help you?
Leo Bloom: [Screams] AAAHH!
Max Bialystock: What's wrong?
Leo Bloom: You're gonna jump on me!
Max Bialystock: What?
Leo Bloom: You're gonne jump on me!
Max Bialystock: No!
Leo Bloom: I know you're gonna jump on me...
Max Bialystock: No! Calm down...
Leo Bloom: ...And squash me like a bug!
Max Bialystock: Oh God.
Leo Bloom: Please don't jump on me!
Max Bialystock: I'm not gonna jump on you! I'm not gonna jump on you!
Leo Bloom: [Screams again] AAAAAHHH!
Max Bialystock: We got the wrong play, the wrong director, the wrong cast. Where did we go right?
Leo Bloom: FAT! FAT!
Max Bialystock: I'm not that fat!
Leo Bloom: FAT! Fat! Fatty! Fatso! You fat fat fatty fat walrus! Gimme the FAT BOOKS!
Max Bialystock: I'm drowning here! I'm going down for the last time! I... I... I see my whole life flashing before my eyes! I see a weathered old farmhouse... With a white picket fence... I'm running through fields of alfalfa with my collie, Rex. No Rex, not on the alfalfa. And I see my mother... I see Mama, standing on the back porch... And I hear her calling out to me..."Alvin, don't forget your chores! The wood needs a-cordin' and the cows need a-milkin'! Alviiiiin! Aaaaalviiiiiiiiiiiin!"... Wait a minute. My name's not Alvin. That's not my life. Someone else's life is flashing before my eyes. What the hell is that about? I'm not a hillbilly, I grew up in the Bronx. Leo's taken everything from me... Even my past!
Leo Bloom: Elizabeth?
Franz Liebkind: Ja. Not many people know this, but the fuhrer was descended from a long line of English queens.
Max Bialystock: [after a long pause] Is that right?
[Carmen answers the phone, a piano underscore playing]
Carmen Ghia: Hello, the living room of renowned theatrical director Roger De Bris' elegant Upper East Side townhouse on a sunny Tuesday afternoon in June. Whom may I say is calling?
[Carmen frowns and the piano abruptly stops]
Carmen Ghia: Listen, you broken down old queen. He was drunk, he was hot, you got lucky! Don't ever call here again!
[he slams the phone down]
Roger De Bris: Who was that?
Carmen Ghia: Wrong number!
Max Bialystock: You okay?
Leo Bloom: Oh, yes. Thank you for smiling, it really helped.
Max Bialystock: [walking over to a bust of Shakespeare] Well, you know what they say: "Smile and the world smiles with you!" Hahahaha-
[undertones to the bust]
Max Bialystock: This man should be in a straitjacket.
Max Bialystock: What?
Max Bialystock: Don't argue with me, you piece of-!
[he slaps the bust angrily, and turns to Leo again, speaking calmly]
Max Bialystock: Feeling better?
Leo Bloom: [suppressing laughter] Yes.
Max Bialystock: Good. That makes three of us.
Roger De Bris: Oh dear, your Mr. Bloom is staring at my gown. I should explain. I'm going to the choreographer's ball this evening. There is a prize for best costume.
Carmen Ghia: We always win.
Roger De Bris: I'm not so sure about this year. I'm supposed to be the Grand Duchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like the Chrysler Building!
Carmen Ghia: Well, as far as I'm concerned, without your wig on, you're only half-dressed.
Roger De Bris: Well then, why don't you go and get it, o Wicked Witch of the West?
Carmen Ghia: If your intention was to shoot an arrow through my heart... bulls-eye!
Roger De Bris: This crazy Kraut is crackers! He crashed in here and crassly tried to kill us!
Carmen Ghia: Oh, Roger, what alliteration!
Roger De Bris: Thank you, darling.
Leo Bloom: I'm very sorry I caught you feeling up the old lady.
Max Bialystock: "Feeling up the old lady." Thank you Mr. Tact.
Leo Bloom: Mr. Bialystock, I'm afraid you've mistaken me for someone with a spine.
Max Bialystock: Shut up! I'm having a rhetorical conversation!
Leo Bloom: Oh, Max. Max, she's fantastic. The most beautiful girl I've ever seen. I've never felt this way before. It's like a volcano erupting inside of me... like hot lava rising higher and higher and - What is that, Max? What is it?
Max Bialystock: It's called an erection. It's either that or malaria.
Leo Bloom: We might have a position for you.
Max Bialystock: As a matter of fact, we might have several positions for you.
Leo Bloom: I'm not going to the toilet, I'm going to showbiz!
Max Bialystock: Hold me touch me, where is hold me touch me...
[searches for picture]
Max Bialystock: Hold me touch me, Hold me touch me... Kiss me feel me, Yank me spank me, Suck me fu... ah! Hold me touch me!
Carmen Ghia: [Leo and Max have just left Franz, wearing swastika armbands and arrive at Roger's penthouse, forgetting they're wearing them. Carmen greets them at the door] May I take your hat, your coat, and your swastikas?
Max Bialystock: [with a very high Irish accent] And now I'll be on me way, before me voice gets any higher! As we say in the old country...
Max Bialystock: Taxi!
Franz Liebkind: Ze penalty for braking ze Siegfried Oath is DESS!
Max Bialystock: Dess? Is that anything like death?
Franz Liebkind: YETH!
Leo Bloom: Mr. Marks, you were right about one thing. You are a CPA. A Certified Public ASS-HOLE!
Leo Bloom: [sung] I wanna be a producer... 'Cause it's everything I'm not
Accountants: [sung] Unhappy... unhappy... So unhappy
Leo and Accountants: [sung] Very very very very very very very...
Accountants: [sung] Sad.
Leo Bloom: [sung] I wanna be a producer...
Leo Bloom: Hold everything! What I am I doing here? Mr. Bialystock was right! There is a lot more to me than there is to me! Stop the world, I wanna get on!
Mr. Marks: Bloom, where do you think you're going? You've already had your toilet break.
Leo Bloom: I'm not going in the toilet... I'm going in SHOW BUSINESS! Mr. Marks, I've got news for you. I quit! And you're right about one thing... You are a CPA - a Certified Public ASSHOLE! Here's my visor... my Dixon Ticonderoga number two pencil... and my big finish!
Leo Bloom: [sung] I'm gonna be a producer Sound the horn and beat the drum I'm gonna be a producer Look out Broadway, here I come!
Chorus Girls and Accountants: [sung] Broadway, here he comes!
[as Max is sentenced for fraud]
Hold-Me Touch-Me: Hold me! Touch me!
Max Bialystock: ...I'm a little busy.
Leo Bloom: Today I have taken the Siegfried oath, and danced with a sailor, police man and very friendly Cherokee Indian
Franz Liebkind: The Fuhrer wasn't a mousy little mama's boy! The Fuhrer was BUTCH!
Judge: And who might you be, my dear?
Ulla: Ulla Inga Hansen Bensen Yonsen Tallen-Hallen Svaden-Svanson... Bloom.
Judge: You're HIS wife?
Ulla: He wouldn't do it unless we got married!
Judge: What a schmuck!
Hold Me-Touch Me: I know, let's play the virgin milkmaid and the well-hung stable boy.
Max Bialystock: Oh, I don't think I have the strength.
Hold Me-Touch Me: Don't worry, I'll be gentle.
[Hold me-Touch me grabs an umbrella and mimcks carrying milk]
Hold Me-Touch Me: Oh dear, this milk is so heavy. I'll never reach the house. You there, well-hung stable boy, won't you please help me?
Max Bialystock: Why of course my little dairy queen. First, I shall take your milk. Then, I shall take your VIRGINITY!
Franz Liebkind: That is not how you sing Haben Sie geh^rt das Deutsche band! This is how you sing Haben Sie geh^rt das Deutsche band!
Mr. Marks: Do I smell the revolting stench of self-esteem?
Franz Liebkind: [while waving a gun around] You made a fool of Hitler!
Franz Liebkind: You know, not many people know zis, but der F¸hrer was a terrific dancer.
Max Bialystock: Really? Gee, we didn't know that, did we, Leo?
Leo Bloom: No, we sure didn't.
Franz Liebkind: THAT'S BECAUSE YOU WERE TAKEN IN BY THE BBC! Filthy British lies! But did they ever say a bad word about Winston Churchill? CHURCHILL!
Franz Liebkind: With his cigars, and his brandy, and his ROTTEN paintings! ROTTEN! Hitler, there was a painter! He could paint an entire apartment in one afternoon! Two coats!
Leo Bloom: Actors are not animals! They're human beings!
Max Bialystock: They are? Have you ever eaten with one?
Max Bialystock: The two cardinal rules of producing. One: Never put your own money in the show.
Leo Bloom: And two?
Max Bialystock: [yelling] Never put your own money in the show!
Max Bialystock: Franz, what happened?
Franz Liebkind: I broke my leg!
Roger De Bris: Mrs. Bialystock and Bloom I pressume? Ha! Forgive the pun!
Leo Bloom: What pun?
Max Bialystock: Shut up! He thinks he's witty!
Max Bialystock: [reading through scripts] Wait, here's one: "One morning Gregor Samsa awoke to discover he had been transformed into a giant cockroach!"...
Max Bialystock: Nah, too good.
Leo Bloom: Max... we never should've started this! I think we're getting in too deep!
Max Bialystock: Too deep? This is nothing! I'll tell ya when we're getting in too deep!
Hold-Me Touch-Me: [in court where Max is the defendant] Hold me. Touch me.
Max Bialystock: I'm a little busy.
Max Bialystock: [when Franz is threatening them with his gun]
Max Bialystock: Remember when I told you I'd tell you when we were in too deep?
Leo Bloom: Yeah...
Max Bialystock: We're in too deep.
Max Bialystock: [to Leo, after seeing the audience's negative reaction to "Springtime for Hitler"] Come on, let's get out of here before they kill us.
[Max is recollecting his life while in a jail cell; he imgaines his momma calling him]
Max Bialystock: Wait a minute, my name's not 'Alvin'... Someone *else's* life is flashing before my eyes. *What the hell is that about?* I'm not a hillybilly... I grew up in the Bronx. Leo's taken everything... even my past!
Max Bialystock: There's more to you than there is to you.
[Max turns away, silently mouthing "What the fu..."]
Franz Liebkind: You sniveling cowards! Cringing under a desk. Clinging on for life like baby butterflies. Franz Liebkind will show you how to die like a man!
Franz Liebkind: [points gun to his own head and attempts to kill himself but is unsuccessful] Yada. Mmm yada! Boy, when things go wrong!
[he throws the gun onto the couch and a bullet shoots out]
Franz Liebkind: [making Max and Leo take the Siegfried Oath] All right. First you will raise your right forefingers, und repeat after me.
Franz Liebkind: I solemnly svear...
Franz Liebkind: To obey ze Zacred Siegfried Oas...
Franz Liebkind: Und!
Max Bialystock: [switching to his Middle Finger] Und!
Leo Bloom: [switching to his Middle Finger] Und!
Franz Liebkind: [wagging his finger] Never, Never, Never!
Franz Liebkind: Dishoner ze spirit und ze memory of Adolph Elizabeth Hitler
Franz Liebkind: Jah. Dat vas his middle name. Not many people know zis, but der F¸hrer vas descended from a long line of English qveens.
Max Bialystock: Is that right?
Franz Liebkind: [at end of credits] Don't forget to buy "Mein Kampf" in paper back. Avaliable near you... at Borders Books... or Barnes and Noble... und Amazon.com
[With one leg already broken Franz Liebkind falls down the stairs]
Officer O'Rourke: [Calling down the stairs] What happened?
Franz Liebkind: I broke... the other leg!
Leo Bloom: Max, I think we're getting in too deep.
Max Bialystock: Too deep? This is nothing. I'll tell you when we're getting in too deep.
Brazilian Samba Performer: [Sung] You'll find your happiness in Rio! The beaches there are strewn with pearls! The latin breezes always blow there! And so, we hear, do the girls!
Donald Dinsmore: I would like to sing "The little wooden boy. "
[the song intro plays as Donald dances. Just before he is about to open his mouth:]
Roger De Bris: NEXT!
Max Bialystock: [after seeing Franz perform at the auditions] THAT'S OUR HITLER!
Hold-Me Touch-Me: I made it out just like you told me to: To the title of the play. "Cash". It's a funny sort of name for a play, "Cash"...
Max Bialystock: So is "The Iceman Cometh"
Max Bialystock: That's it, baby! When you got it, flaunt it, flaunt it!
Franz Liebkind: [at end of credits] Don"t forget to buy "Mein Kampf" in paper back. At Borders Books or Barnes and Knoble, or Amazon.com
Ulla: [sung] Violinists love to play an E-string, but audiences really love a G-string!
Franz Liebkind: Hilda, where are you going? Argentina's that way!
Max Bialystock: Every show I touch I doom!
Max Bialystock: Listen Roger, I know we sent it to you only this morning, but did you get a chance yet to read "Springtime for Hitler?"
Roger De Bris: Read it? I devoured it! And I find it remarkable, REMARKABLE! I feel it is a very important piece drenched with historical goodies. I for one, for instance, never realized that the Third Reich meant Germany.
Max Bialystock: Yeah, how 'bout that? Then you'll do it?
Roger De Bris: Do it? Of course not. It's not my kind of thing, I mean, Max please... World War II? Oooh... too dark, too depressing.
Roger De Bris: [sung] The theatre's so obsessed / With dramas so depressed / It's hard to sell a ticket on Broadway / Shows should be more pretty / Shows should be more witty / Shows should be more...
Roger De Bris: What's the word?
Leo Bloom: Gay?
Roger De Bris: Exactly!
Carmen Ghia: And so the rule is, when mounting a... play. Keep it gay, keep it gay, keep it gay.
Ulla: [nervously] Okey-dokey... you like it?
Max Bialystock: Lik-, like it? I want you to know, my dear, that even though we are sitting down, we are giving you a *standing ovation*.
[Leo and Max both cross legs uncomfortably]
Franz Liebkind: I was never a member of the Nazi Party! I only followed orders. I had nothing to do with the war! I didn't even know there was a war on. We lived in the back, right across from Switzerland. All we heard was yodelling... yoodle le he hoo
Sing Sing Prison Guard: Gentlemen, you are hereby granted a full pardon for having - through song and dance - brought joy and laughter into the hearts of every murderer, rapist, and sex maniac in Sing Sing! You're free!
Max Bialystock: Whatta ya say, Bloom?
Leo Bloom: [sung] What do I say? / Finally a chance to be a broadway producer! / What do I say? / Finally a chance to make my dreams come true, sir! / What do I say? What do I say? / Here's what I say to you, sir...
Leo Bloom: [sung] I can't do it!
Stormtrooper "Mel" (voice): Don't be stupid, be a smartie. Come and join the Nazi Party.
Carmen Ghia: [answering the door at Roger's house] Yessssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssssss?
Max Bialystock: I...
Carmen Ghia: ...sss!
Franz Liebkind: Broadway! I haven't been so happy since we crushed Poland!
Roger De Bris: I am going to the choreographers' ball this evening. There is a prize for best costume.
Carmen Ghia: We always win.
Roger De Bris: I am not so sure about this year. I am supposed to be the Grand Dutchess Anastasia, but I think I look more like the Chrysler Building.
Franz Liebkind: This is no good. I'm not killing anybody. YOU MUST CO OPERATE!
Max Bialystock: We got the wrong play. We got the wrong director. We got the wrong actors. Where did we go right?
Leo Bloom: Max, I think we're getting in too deep.
Roger De Bris: Of course that whole second act has to be rewritten. They're losing the war? Excuse me? It's too downbeat!
Roger De Bris: [sung as Hitler] I was just a paper hanger / no one more obscurer. / Got a phone call from the Reichstag / told me I was F¸hrer. / Germany was blue / What, oh, what to do? / Hitched up my pants / and conquered France. / Now Deutschland's smiling through!
Roger De Bris: [spoken] But it wasn't always so easy... It was 1932. Hindenburg was working the Big Room and I... I was playing the lounge. And then I got my big break. Somebody burned down the Reichstag. And would you believe it? They made me Chancellor. Chancellor!
Roger De Bris: [sung] It ain't no mystery / if it's politics or history. / The thing you've got to know is / everything is showbiz!
Roger De Bris: [sung] Oedipus won't bomb...
Carmen Ghia: [sung] If he winds up with Mom! / Keep it gay...
Roger De Bris: [sung] Keep it gay...
Max Bialystock: I'll send you to the moon Thursday. I may even join you.
Max Bialystock: Do you know who I am?
Leo Bloom: You are Max Bialystock, King of BROADWAY!
Max Bialystock: No, I am Max Bialystock - that's right!
Leo Bloom: I'm wet! I'm hysterical and I'm wet!
Max Bialystock: [slaps him]
Leo Bloom: I'm in pain! I'm in pain, and I'm wet, and I'm still hysterical!
Max Bialystock: [holding play] Smell it. Touch it. Kiss it. Kiss it! It's the mother lode...
Franz Liebkind: Nein.
Max Bialystock: Nein?
Franz Liebkind: No.
Max Bialystock: That's what nein means.
Max Bialystock: [about Franz's hop-clop] It's sort of a Nazi Hoedown.
Max Bialystock: [after hearing Ulla's huge name] What's your first name?
Ulla: That was my first name. You wanna hear my last name?
Max Bialystock: Sorry. We don't have time.
Ulla: Would you like Ulla make audition?
Leo Bloom: That won't be nece...
Max Bialystock: Yes, it is nece! Extremely nece!
Max Bialystock: Always moving your lips along with the actors.
Roger De Bris: [mouthing along with him] Always moving your lips along with the actors.
Max Bialystock: [to a prisoner in Sing Sing] What are you in for, lack of rhythm?
Carmen Ghia: [At Hitler auditions] Jason Green.
Roger De Bris: Well Jason, what have you been up to lately?
Jason Green: For the last 16 years, I've been touring in "No, No Nietzsche."
Roger De Bris: You played Nietzsche?
Jason Green: No, no.
Roger De Bris: What are you going to sing for us?
Jason Green: Have you ever heard the German band?
Roger De Bris: No.
Jason Green: That is the name of the song I am going to sing.
Roger De Bris: Oh.
Roger De Bris: Oh and Max darling we LOVED Funny Boy, didn't we Carmen?
Carmen Ghia: Oh WORSHIPPED it! Uh... To be or not to be...
Roger De Bris: You mean a lot to me!
Roger De Bris: Show stoppah!
Carmen Ghia: FABULOUS!
Max Bialystock: ...Right.
Roger De Bris: You mean that smell is you? Oh GOD. If I could bottle you, I'd shove you under my armpits every day.
[preparing to perform "The Guten Tag Hop-Clop"]
Franz Liebkind: First, you must roll up your pants.
Max Bialystock: Okay.
[He and Leo begin to roll up their pant legs]
Franz Liebkind: Rolling?
Max Bialystock: Rolling.
Franz Liebkind: Rolling?
Max Bialystock: Rolling.
Franz Liebkind: Come on, don't be stingy! Show some LEG!
Max Bialystock: Why you miserable, cowardly, wretched little caterpillar! Don't you ever want to become a butterfly? Don't you want to spread your wings, and flap your way to glory?
Leo Bloom: No!
Ulla: Mr. Bloom! Leo!
[running towards Leo]
Ulla: Your tie is all askew!
Leo Bloom: Askew?
[Leo lovingly looks on as Ulla adjusts is bowtie]
Leo Bloom: Well, thank you, Ulla. Have a good show.
[Leo and Ulla immediately embrace and kiss one another]
Leo Bloom: [after releasing himself from Ulla's kiss and embrace] Roll'em in the aisles.
Ulla: Okie-Dokie. I will try to. But there's just so many of them.
Max Bialystock: Don't you see Bloom? You're like... you're like a fountain!
Leo Bloom: I'm a fountain?
Max Bialystock: [yelling] YES YOU'RE A FOUNTAIN!
Max Bialystock: So, you're an accountant?
Leo Bloom: Yes, sir, I am, sir.
Max Bialystock: Then account for yourself!
Carmen Ghia: If your intention was to shoot an arrow through my heart... Bull's-eye!
[from deleted scene]
Max Bialystock: Did you bring the checkie?
Hold Me-Touch Me: Yes, but first, lets play one, dirty little game.
Max Bialystock: Here in broad daylight. All right what do you want to play?
Hold Me-Touch Me: Lets play the hairless chihuahua and the well hung Great Dane!
Stormtrooper Rolf: I was born in Düsseldorf, and that is why they call me Rolf.
Ulla: Remember ven Ulla Dance?
Ulla: Ulla dance again!
Max Bialystock: ULLA DANCE AGAIN!
Hold Me-Touch Me: You know what I'd really like?
Max Bialystock: [turning to the hot dog vendor] She'll have the foot long
Ulla: [Ulla finds Leo hanging on the closet door] Leo, what happened? I know - you hung up your coat while you were still in it!
Roger De Bris: And now finally, last and least, my lighting designer, Shirley Markowitz.
Carmen Ghia: May I take your hats, your coats, and your Swastikas?
Max Bialystock: Oh, these?
[Max and Leo take off their Swastika armbands and hand them to Carmen]
Max Bialystock: [laughs nervously] We just came from this big rally. Everyone was wearing one!
[Max and Leo see Franz feeding his pigeons]
Max Bialystock: Just a hunch... but I'm guessing that's our man.
Leo Bloom: Oh, Max! He's wearing a German helmet. And leiderhosen!
Max Bialystock: I know, I know! Just don't notice! Don't notice anything!
Max Bialystock: Franz Liebkind?
[Franz slams his back against the pigeon roost]
Franz Liebkind: [yells] I vaz never a member of the Nazi party! I had nossing to do vith the var! I didn't even know there vas a var on! Vee lived in zee back... near Svitzerland! All vee ever heard vas yodeling!
[Max and Leo have just left after agreeing to produce Franz's play]
Franz Liebkind: Vatt nice guys! Oh... Broadvay! I haven't been zis happy since vee crushed Poland!
Roger De Bris: [Leo is on top of Max on the floor fighting over the account book. Roger and Carmen arrive in the room and they have the impression that Leo and Max are having sex] Now that's what I call celebrating!