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"South Park" Cartman Gets an Anal Probe (TV Episode 1997) Poster

Quotes

Cartman: How come everything today has involved things either coming in or going out of my ass?

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Cartman: Okay, you guys, this joke has gone far enough! There were no aliens! They didn't give me an anal probe and they can't control my mind!

[suddenly an alien spaceship zaps him and he starts to sing]

Cartman: I love to singa / About the moon-a and the June-a and the spring-a / I love to singa / About a sky of blue-a or a tea for two-a / Anything with a swinga to an I love you-a / I love to, I love to sing.

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Cartman: I'm not fat, I'm big boned!

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Kyle: Sorry about your ass!

Cartman: Goddamn it, they didn't do anything to my ass! It was just a dream!

Kyle: Why are you walking so funny, Cartman?

Cartman: Shut up!

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Kyle: Okay Cartman, we got out of school. You can stop farting fire now.

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Cartman: Screw you guys, I'm going home.

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Kitty: Meow.

Cartman: No kitty, this is my pot pie!

Kitty: Meow.

Cartman: No, kitty! That's a bad kitty!

Kitty: Meow.

Cartman: No, kitty! This is my pot pie!

Kitty: Hiss.

Cartman: Mom, kitty's being a dildo!

Liane Cartman: Well then, I know a certain kitty kitty who's sleeping with Mommy tonight.

Cartman: What?

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Kyle: Kick the baby!

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Eric Cartman: I dreamed I was standing out in a field, and there was this huge satellite dish stickin' out of my butt. And there were hundreds of cows and aliens, and then I went up on the ship, and Scott Baio gave me pinkeye.

Stan: That wasn't a dream, Cartman. That really happened.

Eric Cartman: Oh, right. Why don't I have pinkeye, then?

Kyle: Cartman, you do have pinkeye.

[last lines]

Eric Cartman: Oh, son of a b - - .

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[Wendy has just given Stan a note]

Kyle: What does the note say?

Stan: Holy Crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school!

Kyle: Whoa. Maybe you can kiss her.

Cartman: Or slip her the tongue!

Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Or look at the cat on her feet, then touch her!

Stan: What? How do you know she has a cat?

Kenny McCormick: [Kenny laughs; the others get it and join in]

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Kyle Broflovski: Please Mr. Garrison, can I please be excused from class?

Mr. Garrison: I don't know Kyle, did you ask Mr. Hat?

Kyle Broflovski: I don't want to ask Mr. Hat, I'm asking you!

Mr. Garrison: Oh I think you should ask Mr. Hat.

Kyle Broflovski: Mr. Hat, may I please be excused from class?

Mr. Garrison: [as Mr. Hat] Well Kyle, NO! YA HEAR ME? YOU GO 'TA HELL! YOU GO TO HELL AND YOU DIE!

[as himself]

Mr. Garrison: Well Kyle, I guess you'll have to take you're seat.

Kyle Broflovski: Dammit!

Eric Cartman: Ha ha, Mr. Hat yelled at you!

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Kyle: [Kyle's brother Ike is being kidnapped by the aliens] We have to do something!

Stan: Well, we can't do anything for now... That fat bitch won't let us!

Mrs. Crabtree: [shouts] What did you say?

Stan: I-I said that rabbits eat lettuce!

Mrs. Crabtree: Oh... Well yes, they certainly do...

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[first lines]

CartmanStanKyleKenny: [singing] School days, school days / dear old golden rule...

Kyle: Aww, dammit! My little brother's trying to follow me to school again!

Ike: E bonanner!

Kyle: Ike, you can't come to school with me!

Cartman: Yeah, go home you little dildo!

Kyle: Dude! Don't call my brother a dildo!

Stan: What's a dildo?

Kyle: I don't know. And I'll bet Cartman doesn't know either!

Cartman: I know what it means!

Kyle: Well, what?

Cartman: [pause] I'm not telling you!

Stan: What's a dildo, Kenny?

[Kenny mumbles through his snow suit, then Cartman and Stan laugh]

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[Addressing an alien spacecraft]

Chef: Hey, down here. We are ready for your wisdom. And you only got twenty minutes before Sanford and Son is on.

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[Investigating a cattle mutilation]

Officer Barbrady: This is nothing out of the unusual. Cows turn themselves inside out all the time.

Farmer: People's been saying they've been seeing UFO's around.

Officer Barbrady: UFO's? Ha.

Farmer: Yeah, and black army, CIA helicopters and trucks.

Officer Barbrady: That is the silliest thing I've ever heard

[black helicopters fly overhead]

Farmer: What was that?

Officer Barbrady: That, that was a pigeon.

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[Wendy has just given Stan a note]

Kyle: What does the note say?

Stan: Holy Crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school!

Kyle: Whoa! Maybe you can kiss her.

Cartman: Or slip her the tongue!

Kenny McCormick: [muffled] Or you could slide your finger up her pussy!

Stan: What? How do you know she has a cat- oh.

[Kenny laughs]

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Cartman: Stan wants to kiss Wendy Testaburger.

Stan: Shut up, fat ass!

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Kyle: Dude, what does the note say?

Stan: [glances at it] Holy crap! It says she wants to meet me at Stark's Pond after school.

[look of wonder on his face]

Kyle: Whoa! Maybe you can kiss her.

Cartman: Or slip her the tongue.

Kenny: [muffled] Or look at the cat on her feet, then touch her.

Stan: What? How do you know she has a cat?

[Kenny waits to see if the others got the message, then laughs; the rest follow, realizing what Kenny meant]

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Kyle: Time for "Kick the Baby!"

Ike Broflovski: [mumble] Don't kick da baby.

Kyle: Kick the baby!

[kicks Ike]

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Kitty: Meow?

Cartman: No, kitty, this is my pot pie.

Kitty: Meow?

Cartman: No, kitty. Get back, kitty.

Kitty: Meow?

Cartman: No, kitty, it's my pot pie.

[Kitty hisses at Cartman]

Cartman: Mom. Kitty's being a dildo.

Cartman's Mom: Well, then, I know a certain kitty-kitty who's sleeping with Mommy tonight.

Cartman: What?

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Mrs. Crabtree: Let's go! Get on the bus!

Kyle: Sure... whatever you bitch.

Mrs. Crabtree: [shouts] What did you say?

Kyle: Uh... I said that I've got an itch.

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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