Michael Newman: [dying] Family, family... Family comes first.
Ben Newman - Age 22-30: [crying] Family comes first.
Michael Newman: Honey... honeymoon
Ben Newman - Age 22-30: [still crying] Honeymoon
[to his wife; still crying]
Ben Newman - Age 22-30: I love you.
Michael Newman: Samantha... I didn't make it to 200 but I love you.
Samantha Newman - Age 27: I love you, Daddy.
Michael Newman: [weakly gives Bill the finger and laughs] No no, no no,
Michael Newman: [Give the Okay sign]
Morty: He's always chasing the pot of gold, but when he gets there, at the end of the day, it's just corn flakes.
Donna Newman: Will you still love me in the morning?
Michael Newman: Forever and ever, babe
Samantha Newman - Age 5: Daddy, how much longer are you going to live?
Michael Newman: [to cellphone] One minute.
Samantha Newman - Age 5: One minute?
Samantha at 14 Years Old: I'm going to Derek's.
Michael Newman: Whoa, whoa, whoa, who is Derek?
Samantha at 14 Years Old: Uh, duh, my boyfriend, the hottest boy in school?
Michael Newman: Yeah, he's gonna be really hot when I burn his house down.
Ted: [doing his magic trick] OK, 1... 2... 3...
[spits out the other half of the quarter]
Ben at 7-Years-Old: Are you shittin' me!
Michael Newman: Ben? That's you? Look how big you got. You're enormous.
Ben Newman - at 17 Years Old: Look who's talking, Captain Twinkie of the S.S. Fat-Ass! It's really good for my self-esteem. Maybe if you would take me, like, to Pilates like you said you would, people wouldn't think I was Rosie O'Donnell.
Morty: [standing at Ted's, Michael's dad's, grave] He was a good man. I'm sorry, Michael. I didn't want to take him.
Michael Newman: What?
Morty: Michael, I'm an angel.
Michael Newman: I thought angels were supposed to protect people.
Morty: I'm the Angel of Death.
Donna Newman: [scene after the dog humps toy duck] I have to sew the duck's head back on... and fix his butthole.
Michael Newman: [reading off letter] Like I Said, "Good Guys Need A Break". I know you'll do the right thing this time. Love Morty. P.S. Your Wife's Rockin' Body Still Drives Me Crazy.
Michael Newman: Okay, Morty.
[Throws the universal remote into the bin]
Michael Newman: [looking in a mirror] You look a little pale there, pal. Let me fix that.
Michael Newman: [Changes his skin color to yellow] You're all yellow from the scurvy. Arr, captain.
Michael Newman: [Changes his skin color to green] Grr... Don't get the Hulk angry. Raaaahrrr!
Michael Newman: [Changes his skin color to purple] Oh, there's Barney.
[starts to sing]
Michael Newman: I love you, you love me, the jogger has giant boobies.
Michael Newman: You sell any universal remotes here?
Bed, Bath & Beyond Guy: I dunno. I don't really work here; I'm just waiting for my friends.
Michael Newman: Really?
Bed, Bath & Beyond Guy: No. I actually don't have any friends. Will you be my friend?
Donna Newman: Honey, you were so great.
Michael Newman: Whoa, what are you, half a dolphin or something? That was incredible.
Ben at 7-Years-Old: You just got here, Dad. I saw you.
Michael Newman: What do you mean I just got here? Why are you saying that? I saw you. You jumped in there, you swam here.
Samantha Newman - Age 5: Then what stroke was he doing, Dad?
Michael Newman: He was doing the "shut-up".
Michael Newman: Yes! Look at me. All showered and dressed and looking sexy. I like that. I...
Samantha Newman - Age 5: Did you smoke crack, Daddy?
Kirsten: Do you need something, Mr. Newman?
Michael Newman: Who are you?
Kirsten: Kirsten... your assistant?
Michael Newman: Wha- Wha- What happen to Alice?
Kirsten: She moved to Accounting, couldn't handle your hours.
Kirsten: [Whispering] And she prefers to be called Allen now, remember?
Kirsten: [points at Alice, she is now a he]
Michael Newman: No... No! No!
Michael Newman: How you doing, buddy? Playing some catch?
Kevin O'Doyle: Actually, we're playing some drop, 'cause Ben hasn't caught one yet.
[Kevin throws ball, Ben misses and throws it back, glaring]
Ben at 7-Years-Old: Darn it.
Michael Newman: Ahh.
[freezes the game and moves Kevin's glove down and unfreezes]
Kevin O'Doyle: [Ball hits Kevin's face] Ahh!
Michael Newman: Ho-ho! You're a regular Derek Jeter yourself, O'Doyle.
Kevin O'Doyle: [runs home] MOMMY!
Michael Newman: I thought I was already your partner.
Ammer: Whoa, cowboy. I said "Land the Watsuhita account, you'll get promoted." I didn't mean right this second.
Michael Newman: But I already told my wife, sir. I spent money I don't have. To do these documents is gonna take me months.
Ammer: Then you better get started.
[Michael freezes Ammer with the remote, smacks him in the face three times, unfreezes him]
Ammer: Wow, I just got a big headache! Wha - ? Was I hit by a train or something?
Michael Newman: I didn't see anything.
Ammer: Oh, I forgot to tell you. I hung out with your friend Janine this weekend.
[freezes Ammer again]
Michael Newman: I hope she's doing your brother right now, you big-headed buffoon
[Michael stands on Ammer's desk and begins farting in his face]
Michael Newman: No, no, no, no. You got more.
[continues farting in Ammer's face]
Michael Newman: Yeah.
[stops and unfreezes Ammer]
Ammer: Anyway, the sooner you ge - Get back to - Uh, work, they sooner you'll be partnerized. I taste shit.
Michael Newman: You do?
Ammer: Stacy! Did you put shit in my lunch? Argh!
Michael Newman: [leaves Ammer's office] I'm gonna get going, sir.
Ammer: Ugh. STACY!
Michael Newman: [just getting off the phone with Ammer, then whispers] That's it! You're dead!
Firecracker Teen #1: [teens run away] Oh, shit.
Michael Newman: [jumps right over the fence chasing after them] That's right! You better run! I kicked your father's ass in high school! So, now I'm gonna kick yours!
Ping Woo: [crying] I hate that man.
Michael Newman: Who wants to have a pillow fight?
News Reader in 2017: Michael Jackson, the first man to clone himself is now suing himself for molesting himself.
Morty: I'm gonna show you a remote we just got in that's probably the most advanced piece of technology that we have in this place.
Michael Newman: Sounds sweet.
Morty: It is sweet. The latest, greatest universal remote not even on the market yet.
Michael Newman: Ooh. I guess the O'Doyles' remote can kiss my advanced-technological ass then.
Morty: I don't know the O'Doyles, but... they can bite it hard.
Michael Newman: I was looking at our proposal. You know what? After getting to know you a little bit, I realize this is not what you're all about. In fact, let's just throw it out, all right. The river in the lobby idea, what an egghead move. Let's just keep all the plans simple, forget all the niceties, and maximize our revenue. That's what its all about anyways, the profits. But do me a favor. Just give us your account and your trust. That way we can get the hell out of this dump, go to a T.G.I. Friday's, and do some Jell-O shots 'til this guy pukes up a lung.
Ancient Executive: Fuck yeah!
Donna Newman: That's not bad for your third liposuction. One more tummy tuck should take care of it.
[flaps loose skin]
Michael Newman: Oh, it looks like a tongue... licking.
Michael Newman: Samantha. One day, you are going to be the hottest chick, but you still gotta have brains. So tomorrow, I'm going to teach you Calculus.
Samantha Newman - Age 5: You know Calculus?
Michael Newman: I knew you'd call me on that. Your mother will teach you.
Michael Newman: Can I help you?
Ben Newman - at 17 Years Old: Hey Dad.
Michael Newman: Hey Dad? Ben? Look how big you got! You're enormous!
Ben Newman - at 17 Years Old: [offended] Look who's talking, Captain Twinkie of the SS Fat Ass! Really good for my self esteem! Maybe if you took me to Pilates like you said you would, people wouldn't think I was Rosie O'Donnell!
Michael Newman: Come on Ben, I love you! Bring me back the Twinkies!
[Michael was told his father, Ted, died. In his grave, he asks the remote to flashback to the last time he saw him. Flashback: Michael's very busy working and his son, Ben, arrives]
Ben Newman - Age 22-30: Hi, Dad. Sorry to bother you. Would you mind looking at my shopping mall design again? This one is cheaper, but... If you check this out, you'll see it has much better natural flow...
Michael Newman: [Flashback-Michael interrupts without having seen his son's project] Cheaper one, like I said. Just, let me do my e-mail.
Ben Newman - Age 22-30: Yeah, yeah, you're right. Er...
Michael Newman: [Real Michael] He ain't right. You are a schmark, look at it!
Ted: [arrives] Surprise!
Ben Newman - Age 22-30: Hey, grandpa!
Michael Newman: [Real Michael sees how old his dad is] Oh, my God...
Ted: [hugs Ben] How did you get so handsome?
Ted: So, Michael. I have a wonderful idea. Your mother is going to play canasta with her friends tonight, so I thought: "What a great opportunity". You, me and Ben should go and have a boys night out.
Michael Newman: [Flashback-Michael] I can't.
Ted: What do you mean you can't? You have to weak some time. We can go, we can whistle the pretty ladies.
Ben Newman - Age 22-30: I'm down for that.
Ted: See? He's down. I don't know what that means but he's down.
Michael Newman: [Flashback-Michael] Hey, please.
Ted: Don't give me that finger.
[after seeing he's son keeps busy]
Ted: I'll make you a deal. If you come, I'll show you the quarter trick.
Michael Newman: [Real Michael] Will you look at the man?
Ted: I'll tell you the secret.
Michael Newman: [Flashback-Michael] No, Dad.
Ted: Don't you wanna know...?
Michael Newman: ...how you do the stupid trick? I've always known. Can you let me do my job?
Ted: [voice braking] You've always known...
Michael Newman: [Real Michael, to Flashback-Michael] You're pathetic.
Ted: Okay... I'm so sorry I butched in. I love you son.
Ben Newman - Age 22-30: Don't you worry, grandpa. I'll go with you.
[Grandpa starts leaving and cries. Real Michael freezes him, then rewinds the scene to the part Granpa Ted tells Flashback-Michael that he loves him]
Michael Newman: [Real Michael, when he freezes his dad when he's looking at him] I love you dad.
[kisses him in the cheek]
Michael Newman: I'll miss ya... You know that... Good-bye.
Michael Newman: Thank you, Mom for having me, I know it was a lot of pain.
Trudy: You have no idea.
Morty: I am the Angel of Death.
Michael Newman: You bastard.
[after kissing Michael, watching Sundance hump the duck]
Donna Newman: I know it's deviant... but it's kinda turning me on.
[kisses Michael again]
Michael Newman: I guess when you combine mass quantities of cough syrup with yodels... you get acid.
Ben at 7-Years-Old: Hey, Dad! Look at Kevin's new Robo-Dog!
Michael Newman: [not listening] That's nice.
Kevin O'Doyle: NICE? This thing's worth more than your car!
Michael Newman: [runs over robo-dog] Not anymore it ain't!
Ben at 7-Years-Old: Hey, look at Sundance wrestle his duck.
[Sundance is humping it]
Michael Newman: Oh, no, that's not wrestling. That's... Something you shouldn't know about for another 10 to 30 years. Ten for you.
[Points at Ben]
Michael Newman: Thirty for you.
[Points at Samantha]
Trudy: Hey, Micheal. Micheal, who are you talking to?
Michael Newman: Jesus. I'm talking to my boss, Ma. Take it easy.
Trudy: Oh, yeah? Well, tell him to get a life. You got family here. You're busy. Come on.
Michael Newman: My mother says hello.
Kevin O'Doyle: [referring to Michael's car] What kind of stereo do you have in that blue piece of shit?
Michael Newman: You know, I never check, Kevin.
Kevin O'Doyle: Yeah, well my father's stereo is a Bose.
Michael Newman: [yell's while in his car] Your father's stereo blows? That's too bad!
Kevin O'Doyle: No! I said... That's not what I said!
Michael Newman: [pulls off his driveway and speeds away yelling] His father stereo blows! Wheee!
Michael Newman: Twinkie. Don't need it. You don't need it, man. You do need a Yodel, though. Good job.
Michael Newman: [arriving at the end of his son's swim meet; he walks to the wrong lane] That was great, son!
Ping Woo: You're not my dad!
Michael Newman: Only as far as you know, kid.
Ping Woo: [begins to sob loudly] Are you really my dad?
[Micheal leaves quickly]
Michael Newman: [in a flashback of his and Donna's first kiss, just as it occurs] Yeah!
Janine: [offscreen] Donna!
[appears onscreen dressed as a punk, sees them kissing]
Janine: Donna - Oh, my God! I'm so horny now.
Michael Newman: Oh, God. Get me out of here.
Morty: Think about it, you've skipped a year. That's a lot of sex. That's like, thirty minutes worth for you.
Michael Newman: It took that son of a bitch a whole year to promote me?
Michael Newman: [trying to convince him to let the project be procrastinated so he can go camping] Three days? Couldn't I have a little more time for this project?
Ammer: Michael, our clients are Japanese. They can't wait for their fish to cook.
Janine: [after Donna kisses Michael] Oh, my God. I want that so bad. A husband that I can kiss and love and give juice too.
Michael Newman: You've already cheated on three different husbands with their brothers. I think you've given enough juice to everybody. Love juice.
Janine: You know way too much about me. I should've never done that Montel Williams show.
Michael Newman: Even Montel Williams thinks you're crazy and he's seen a lot of shit.
Janine: I was desperate for companionship! All of my husbands... All of them have emotionally abandoned me.
Michael Newman: They went to work. You had sex with their unemployed brothers. You're a horndog.
Michael Newman: I mean no disrespect, Prince Hubbida Hubbida.
Ammer: Hubba Bubba.
Prince Habeeboo: Habeeboo! Ha-bee-boo! Hubba Bubba is chewing gum. Prince Habeeboo is not chewing gum!
Michael Newman: You've gotta show me how you do the quarter trick, it's driving me crazy!
Ted: A good magician never reveals his secrets... however, if you invite us over for dinner more often...
Michael Newman: You can come over tomorrow night and the next night and the next night and whenever you want!
Michael Newman: Aunt Peggy, is that you? God, you got old.
[Peggy flicks her chin and gives him the arm, to the crowd]
Michael Newman: I'm just playing, she knows that.
Michael Newman: Samantha, is that you? When did you get boobs?
Samantha at 14 Years Old: Same time you did, Dad.
Ammer: Now, anyone can be a victim of sexual harassment: blue collar, white collar, a woman, a man... even the office slut. No, not that I'm mentioning any names... Stacy.
Stacy, Blonde Ammer Assistant: [Stacy looks shocked for a moment and then laughs, nodding her head in affirmation]
Prince Habeeboo's Assistant: Still itchy?
[Starts scratching Prince Habeeboo facial hair]
Prince Habeeboo: You got it
Michael Newman: [seeing his parents wildly making love in bed] Change the channel!
Morty: [Michael frantically dials Morty's number to resolve conflicts he's had with the remote. Morty's silhouette his shown in Micael's ktchen as he finishes dialing the last number. He speaks loudly] Yes?
Michael Newman: [Michael yelps and jumps backwards onto the kitchen table. He shatters it and quickly tries to get to his feet as the little dog upstairs begins to bark] You scared the...!
[Pulls himslef up]
Donna Newman: [From upstairs] Honey, what's going on down there?
Michael Newman: It's alright! I, uh...
[Hangs up phone]
Michael Newman: It was a mouse! I killed it! It's dead! But...
[Analyzes the broken mess]
Michael Newman: It broke the table first.
[Turns to Morty with a shaken voice]
Michael Newman: How'd you get in here?
Morty: I had a feeling you wanted to see me.
Michael Newman: I'm freakin' out. This thing - this thing - it's broken. It-it's just - it's fast forwarding on its own now.
Morty: It's not a malfunction it's a feature. It's using it's memory to execute your preferences.
Michael Newman: It *remember's* stuff about me? What do you mean?
Morty: It's an advance piece of equipment like TiVo.
Morty: You could call it MeVo.
Michael Newman: I fast forwarded through sex one time. I don't wanna skip it forever; I like sex. I-um-i-it-it feels good.
Morty: Correct me if I'm wrong, but you fast forwarded through an entire *year*. That's a lot of sex. Put it all together, it's like... thirty minute's worth for you.
Michael Newman: Oh, no, no. So what? Everything I fast forwarded it-it's just gonna do it on its own now?
Morty: Pretty much. No more showering. No more traffic. No more arguing. No more sickness.
Michael Newman: This is bad. This is bad. Here, you take it back.
[Hands Morty the remote and walks off]
Michael Newman: I'm deactivating my service. I quit, I quit, I quit.
Morty: [Holding the remote] No, come on.
Michael Newman: No, no, no. Thanks for everything, alright? But I -
[Looks at his right hand and he has the remote. He looks at Morty who has a rather confident grin on his face. Michael looks around the kitchen, throughs the remote in the can and backs up. Only now he realizes that the remote is now held in his opposite hand. Turns to Morty stunned]
Michael Newman: You... this is not...
[Michael drops the remote on the floor and stomps repeatedly ontop of it, shattering it on impact]
Morty: Come on, don't be mean.
[the remote is now distroyed under Michael's feets. He confidently waves his hand around. Unkowingly to him, the remote is sitting ontop of his head]
Morty: Nice hat.
[Michael then takes the remote and tosses it outside]
Morty: Whoa! Is this a *stick-up*, or are you just happy?
[the remote is in Michael's crotch part of his jeans]
Michael Newman: Oh, yeah? I'll take my clothes off. Then what's - ?
Morty: I wouldn't do that if I were you. There's only one place left for it to pop up.
Michael Newman: Where am I?
Bed, Bath & Beyond Guy: You're at Bed, Bath, and Beyond. You were sleeping on the bed, you're not supposed to...
[makes goofy grin]
Bed, Bath & Beyond Guy: But I do sometimes.
Morty: Check it out. You hit the fast-forward button. I believe we're sometime after your conception.
Michael Newman: [voice echoes] No! We're in my mother's vagina?
Ammer: I'm gonna be alone on the Fourth of July?
Michael Newman: Mr. Ammer, if you need female companionship this weekend, my wife's friend, Janine, wow.
Ammer: Really? What's she like?
Michael Newman: Let's just say, uh... she will eat you up, sir.
Ammer: Your first day as a partner, you come to work in a fricking bathrobe.
Michael Newman: I - I did. I did. I - John, I just feel would should stop on wasting our energy on corporate brown nosing, and worrying who's got the better suit. Armani, Calvin Klein. Who cares? Let's concentrate on what really matters. The work.
Ammer: That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. But goddamn it, you're right.
[removes his jacket and shirt]
Ammer: Life-changing. I feel freer.
[Ammer goes for his belt]
Michael Newman: Yeah. Uh, keep the pants on.
Michael Newman: [wakes up] What was going on there, huh?
Samantha Newman - Age 5: We thought you were asleep, Daddy.
Michael Newman: How can I sleep with two Twinkie burglers roaming around?
Michael Newman: My schmeckel got bigger now that I'm older, just so you guys know that.
Trudy: It couldn't have gotten any smaller.
Ted: [laughing] It looked like a little Tic Tac.
Michael Newman: Yeah, come here. I'll freshen your breath.
Narrator of Michael's Past: Once again, Michael left Donna in bed, confused and unsatisfied.
Michael Newman: [offscreen] Shut up, James Earl Jones!
Narrator of Michael's Past: No! You shut up, bigmouth!
Bed, Bath & Beyond Guy: I don't have any friends. Will you be my friend?
Michael Newman: Twinkie. You don't need e'm. You don't need e'm. You do need a Yodel, though.
Morty: [Morty and Michael go back to the past to Micheal's birth, Micheal's parents were arguing if he had a penis or not] Your mother must have had some good eyesight, 'cause... I didn't see anything.
Michael Newman: Oh, hardy har-har.