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Transporter 2
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4 out of 6 people found the following review useful:

Makes "Star Wars" look like a documentary.

3/10
Author: fedor8 from Serbia
2 April 2008

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

So many things to learn from a 21st-century Luc Besson action film...

1. If you're fighting a drug cartel, don't ask for aid from the FBI or CIA, because quite frankly the only ones they are ever interested in apprehending are the wrong people.

2. The FBI have never solved a case on their own.

3. High-up government officials are all morons.

4. High-up gov't officials (like Modine) - which are all morons - will not be able to deduce that Statham is not a kidnapper based on the very simple and obvious fact that he brought Modine's son to the gates of the former's villa.

5. FBI personnel will also fail to add 2 and 2, hence not understand the simple fact that a kidnapper would not drive the intended victim all the way to the villa from which he should logically be trying to distance himself - if he really were a conspirator in the kidnapping.

6. The FBI recruits its personnel based on the "we need low IQs" policy.

7. The U.S. government hires people based on the "we need totally clueless, overly emotional in moments of pressure, morons (like Modine)" policy.

8. French directors who cast bad actress-model bimbos in historical spectacles as Joan Of Arc are incapable of rational thought.

9. If your fugitive suspect informs you of his own free will where the kidnappers are carrying the kidnapped person, choose not to trust them.

10. If you are a skinny, ugly 6-foot-3 fashion model, Besson will cast you as a totally unconvincing mob assassin.

11. Having ultra-skinny arms that have neither muscle nor fat tissue will not prevent you from holding heavy guns and then shooting them without missing. Even without looking at the target.

12. Being ultra-skinny and weak from not eating anything for days does not hinder your average fashion model from being the world's most dangerous killer.

13. The FBI and the U.S. police use helicopters that are always greased with oil so that when skinny fashion models shoot at them from a distance they can immediately blow them up.

14. The best way to fight anti-drug gov't officials is to introduce a virus into the world, which will then kill them all. The fact that these people will merely be replaced by new anti-drug gov't officials does not interest you nor does it maybe even occur to you.

15. If you're a Colombian drug dealer, throw a virus into a conference room full of your enemies, then watch as the virus spreads all over the world, killing all your potential customers - and then maybe even your friends and relatives.

16. Colombian drug-cartel bosses are even bigger morons than the FBI.

17. When the FBI apprehends a French police inspector, they let him sleep on a couch right next to dozens of computers with access to top-secret crime data.

18. If you are a super-hero who wants to save the world and are carrying an antidote that might save it, do NOT go to the appropriate authorities, that way speeding up both the investigation and the search for the criminals. Do everything on your own, as much as that might slow you down or cause further complications.

19. When an airplane hits a body of water at full speed, it will not break into tiny bits. Water, as any idiot knows, is too soft to break much of anything. After all, if it really were hard we wouldn't be able to drink it!

20. When an airplane sinks toward the ocean floor at a rapid speed, the deadly increase in pressure does not in any way affect super-heroes and super-villains.

21. All action-movie fashion-model bimbos have flat chests. A lack of an intake of foody substances ensures that no fatty tissues are built up in that area.

22. Casting very English-looking actors as Russian mobsters is a great idea.

23. When you aim a gun at someone who is also aiming a gun at you, neither of you shoot, but instead stare at each other. Why? I have absolutely no idea...

TT2 is strictly for morons.

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4 out of 6 people found the following review useful:

crayon actioneering

2/10
Author: Autlan
22 February 2008

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

I was created, yet I am nothing.

I tell a story, yet I have no substance, continuity or suspense.

Within my domain even sounds are visual.

'What am I?'

'Tramsforter 2,' chirps the annoyingly quirky kid.

'Bingo! You lose!'

I'll start by saying it's a good thing driver doesn't appear anywhere in the title, because driving is only a third of what Frank Martin does. He's a pilot who doesn't need an aeroplane. He's an acrobat in a graviton suit. He's a martial artist with an overactive imagination. He's even a driver in a vehicle without wheels.

Starting to sound like an entertaining B Movie, right? Well, no. You won't find any 'I tried my best, but I guess I just suck' here. It's like someone hand picked the members of Team Fail. A Cinematographer trying to emulate Technicolour; a minimalist special effects troupe, led by an eccentric who never considered life outside his bouncy castle; a truant script girl; a plot jerked along by a piece of toilet paper, snared to King Kong's shoe; and an overactive product placement supervisor.

So what is the story? A well-manicured, ugly South American is hired by some of his countrymen, who are outraged that the Law is eating into their profits. They hatch a brilliant plan involving a Soviet expatriate Biochemist, a green biological warfare agent, a purple antidote, a mercenary, a gun toting lingerie model and the ruling body of the Drug Enforcement Administration. So some bureaucrat gets his coffee poisoned? No. The public are poisoned and the DEA is held to ransom, while a mother-load of cocaine is pushed over the border? Nope.

It's hard to tell if the plot is supposed to remain a mystery until half-way, or if it's just delivered poorly, so I'll reveal it carefully, without any pointers as to the obvious outcome.

POSSIBLE SPOILER POSSIBLE SPOILER POSSIBLE SPOILER POSSIBLE SPOILER

The son of a DEA big shot is kidnapped against the best efforts of his school-run driver Mr. Martin, infected with a virus and then bizarrely returned without any of the millions of ransom money being taken. The kid infects his father, mother, driver and half the Miami police department with this highly contagious airborne pathogen. The ugly South American transfuses himself in about ten minutes with what appears to be the only half litre of antidote in existence and tries really hard not to go to the bathroom.

Seems to me an extremely convoluted delivery method and a ridiculous insurance policy, but then I'm not a French screenwriter.

I'd advise everyone to avoid this and watch the original instead. To those people who are now chanting, "Suspend your belief," I say, okay, I've got a great investment opportunity for you. You give me your cake, I'll eat it, and then all you have to do is give it time to mature. Trust me. It's going to pay off!

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5 out of 8 people found the following review useful:

Great Movie - If You're 7 Years Old

2/10
Author: dgz78 (dgz78@yahoo.com) from United States
1 March 2008

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Crappy plot - bad guys and a bad virus; bad CGI, I mean really bad; bad acting - I've built tree houses out of 2 x 4s less wooden than some of these performances.

I like good action movies but they have to at least pretend not to insult my intelligence. This movie makes Gilligans Island look like Masterpiece Theater.

Item 1 - Jason Statham dives out of a 2 or 3 story building, landing on the top of a car with enough force to crumple in the roof. He rolls off like he's getting out of bed in the morning. I thought Michael Douglas getting hit by a car and not getting scratched in Basic Instinct was the worst non-injury scene ever but this one topped it.

Item 2 - He drives a car through a railing in a parking garage, across a street and fits perfectly into another parking garage. The physics are ridiculous. The motorcycle jump into the pool of True Lies was just as impossible but at least in that one the driver could see where he was going.

Item 3 - He goes from a car into the wheel well of an airplane as its taking off and then just pops up into a closet. This was unbelievable in so many ways my mind went numb.

Item 4 - The plane goes into a stall and begins a free fall to the ocean. Jason Statham and the bad guy fight like they are standing on the 50 yard line of the Rose Bowl instead of, oh I don't know, being affected by the law of gravity.

And don't get me started about the fight scenes. He takes on 10 bad guys at once, all of whom are nice to attack him one at a time. When he doesn't have a gun, hey, what do you know, neither do the bad guys. And when they have a gun, they don't shoot him.

Katie Nauta plays a bad villianess. I mean, her character is not only bad, she really is a bad actress. And the evil mastermind is even worse.

Never do you think Frank is in real trouble and that it won't end on a happy note. Most sequels are not as good as the original but this one makes Caddyshack II look as good as the original Caddyshack.

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5 out of 8 people found the following review useful:

Nothing lower then 1 star? Darn

1/10
Author: robnels2000 from USA
24 February 2008

*** This review may contain spoilers ***

Aside from a very predictable story there were the car stunts.

I was very disappointed in this movie; I liked the original Transporter even though it took a lot of liberty with the driving effects. This took the facts of what a car can do and threw them out the window.

Not to mention what they did with the jet ski.

Oh my god, do people REALLY believe these things are possible?? Like you can jump a car flip, it upside down, and strip a bomb off then land on all four wheels and drive away. WTF???

Or crash through the safety wall of a parking ramp and land safely in the building under construction across the street?? How would you get down to ground floor, take the elevator?

More mindless car stunts to sell a week stupid script. Here's a clue, if you jump a car you need a take off ramp and once the car lands you need a flat bed tow truck to haul the wreck away.

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6 out of 10 people found the following review useful:

the most ridiculous unbelievable nonsense I've ever seen

1/10
Author: Neil from United Kingdom
29 January 2008

this film is tripe, the plot is contrives the action is just idiotic.

I loved the first movie. But this is crackers. I cant say i've ever seen an action movie that ever expected you to be a moron. Until now. you have to be a total idiot to take anything seriously. without spoilers. this film just sucks' there's about 300 completely impossible things in this movie. i mean stupidly impossible not just effects.

all i can do to get to 10 lines is say.

this movie is real crap, i mean cruddy , useless , daft, pointless, silly, dopey,

more lines needed, this film sucks ass its bad real bad

if yr on drugs. it might be a watch. if your at all normal.

is that 10 lines yet

don't bother.

1 out of 10

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8 out of 14 people found the following review useful:

This movie is Terrible.

1/10
Author: jchavez-2 from United States
5 September 2005

This movie is just stealing and smothering the thunder from the first movie. Much less thought was put into this movie. You have probably seen every action sequence in another movie, and probably better done. It is stereotypical and mediocre at best. Terribly disappointing and I urge you not to spend money on it. God forbid this would become a trilogy. Lacks credibility, thought, taste, and any originality. Time and money would be better spent watching other great movies, like the Transporter One, Snatch, or Long Stock and Two Smoking Barrels. Trust me. this movie is not worth watching. If you do see it, don't think it will be any better than the first 20 minutes...

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9 out of 16 people found the following review useful:

paint your bathroom instead...

1/10
Author: mr-syfx from United Kingdom
14 September 2005

OK, i watched the first transporter on DVD a few days ago, after seeing this i feel cheated out of my money, the first film was a little far fetched, but it worked in its own typical action movie way, #2 how ever is absolute garbage, how any man regardless of army special forces training can dislodge a bomb by 'BARREL ROLLING' a car up a pipe ramp onto a crane hook and successfully land on all 4 wheels is beyond me, i doubt god himself could do it.

next the car chase with the psycho hooker with the Uzi's leaping a 100 feet into a half built tower block, and ass usually, stopping 5cm before the edge (typical) and then a helicopter being blown up by a few Uzi rounds is to put it mildly, very far fetched... it would been better if he had decided to elbow the crazy lady in the face a few times, knock her groggy, open her door and shove her out. end of movie, what a way to spend my £6 on a ticket :D this film is frankly total garbage, its like Kenan and Kel on acid with a fire arms permit, i SERIOUSLY hope that he was paid well for this rubbish.

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10 out of 18 people found the following review useful:

Don't Believe the Hype - This Film is a Mess

1/10
Author: kptracey
6 September 2005

I went to Transporter 2 last night with low expectations. I wasn't out to the theaters looking for the movie of the century, just a flick to enjoy with my buddy; more something to do than anything else. But it was so bad I left feeling pick-pocketed - "Thanks for your money, Sucker!" The theatrics were OK and Statham marshaled all of his acting skills for a semblance of a good performance. But they were no match for the overwhelming limitations of the writers. A kid in grade-school could do better. You could see where Kamen's ideas, the guy who wrote the first film, were slaughtered by Besson and his blind vision of what he believed were the ingredients of a blockbuster film... leading to inevitable catastrophe.

I want my money back.

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12 out of 22 people found the following review useful:

Might end up on the worst of 2005 list

1/10
Author: Greg (gregmoroberts@yahoo.com) from Oakville, Ontario
11 September 2005

Ranking right up their with the audiences yearning for another sequel to the Bad Boys franchise, Jason Statham is back in the very cleverly titled Transporter 2.

Now for those of you who can hardly remember the first film, don't worry. Both it and now its sequel are tailored so that you can waste time inside an air conditioned theatre and forget almost everything you've seen just hours after the lights come back to full illumination.

This time round script writers Robert Kamen and Luc Beeson decided that it would be easier to just copy the premise of last year's Man on Fire and throw our hero Frank Martin (Statham) into the Denzel Washington role. That means there will be a kidnapping of a small child that was under the protection of our hero and there will also be plenty of mindless violence as he searches for the youngin he feels responsible for losing.

Now I happen to like Jason Statham. I liked him in Snatch, The Italian Job and even Cellular. He has a charisma to him. A coolness this side of Steve McQueen. Problem is he keeps picking up scripts that even John Saxon would have turned down.

Transporter 2 has nothing going for it outside of Statham's presence. It's filled with enough bad stunts and even worse cartoonish villains that even the most outlandish of James Bond films would be embarrassed to utilize such farce. Take for instance the scene where Frank must flip his car through the air to hit a suspended wire in hopes of tearing from the autos underbelly a very well hidden car bomb. I watched this scene uneasy in my theatre seat and would not have been surprised if Wyle E. Coyote was shown in the background huffing and puffing as his plan was foiled.

Things do go boom and Jackie Chan would probably be impressed with the fighting contests in particular one clever scene where Frank utilizes a fire hose to engage the baddies. But amongst the few half decent moments there are countless mindless scenes and plot lines that include a virus antidote being stored inside the bad guy (never seen that before!) and a completely implausible ending that takes place inside a private jet.

Transporter 2 may not be the worst movie of the year, but I highly doubt that by the time I get to the end of the calendar for 2005 that this clunker doesn't end up on a few Bottom 10 lists.

Recommendation: Stay away at all costs. It will be on TBS four times a week starting in 2006.

www.gregsrants.com

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35 out of 68 people found the following review useful:

The BEST WORST movie ever!

6/10
Author: borixxx from Canada
29 January 2006

Wow... just wow... I remember watching the first Transporter movie. I never had high expectations, and I was neither surprised or disappointed. Same thing went with this action flick. It was so bad that it was good! It did not have any real storyline, it was amazingly corny, and so badly directed that it was one of the most entertaining films in movie history! Definitely worth a watch, it seriously should also be categorized as comedy.... The only problem I had with the movie was... "Where the hell did the hot Asian chick from the first movie go? It's as if he dumped her and never spoke of her again...."

Either way, give the movie a shot, you will definitely enjoy it...

6/10

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