Drawn Together (2004–2008)
Xandir: I'm on a never-ending quest to save my girlfriend!
Spanky Ham: Oh, this is too good. She thinks you're a servant... CAUSE YOU'RE BLACK!
Vietnamese kid: Please Honorable Spanky-san. We are losing our jobs and we can't eat or live.
Spanky Ham: Yeah? Well, me no care-y!
Toot Braunstein: [trying to get Xandir's attention with her head in a guillotine] I swear to God I'll cut my fucking head off!
[Xandir ignores her, Toot slices off her head and flashes him while Spanky takes a dump in her skull]
Xandir: Good bye cruel world!
[dies and comes back]
Xandir: Good bye cruel world!
[dies and comes back]
Xandir: Good bye cruel world... this could take a while
Toot Braunstein: [to Xandir] Can't you kill yourself more quietly like Bizarro Captain Hero?
[a body hanging from a tree blows in the breeze]
Captain Hero: Uh... yeah. Killed himself.
Xandir: Good-bye cruel world!
Toot Braunstein: Damn it, Xander, that noise! You're keeping us all awake. Can't you kill yourself more quietly, like Bizzaro Captain Hero did?
[camera pans to Bizzaro Captain Hero, who is hanging dead from the ceiling]
Captain Hero: Uh, yeah, right. Killed himself, tragic!
Genie: [to Xander] Say, why don't you come into my lamp? And I do mean that as a double entendre!
Spanky Ham: They're gonna cut off my health insurance? I'll be more diseased than Dumpy the Medical Waste Man!
Dumpy the Medical Waste Man: [Cut to medical waste container full of syringes] Kill Me!
Bizzaro Captain Hero: Oh, hello, hello Captain Hero! I not see you since initiation into league of heroes.
Captain Hero: Zip it! What happens in Bizzaro World, *stays* in Bizzaro World!
Bizzaro Captain Hero: Well, technically bathroom at bus station not considered Bizzaro World.
Captain Hero: [speaking to the other house guests] Oh, come on! If you're in a bus station and they sell postcards for Bizzaro World, you have to assume you're in Bizzaro World, right? I mean, am I crazy?
Spanky Ham: What you need is some good old-fashioned positive reinforcement. You can do this.
[starts whipping Ling-Ling]
Spanky Ham: I respect you because you're you! There's two I's in Ling Ling!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling is no pet! Ling-Ling here to kill, and to give children seizures!
Spanky Ham: [laughing] Oh My God! she thinks your our servant, cause your black! Haa Haa, this is the best day of my miserable life, SWEEET! I love racism!
Ling-Ling: I use your skull for sex, and a decorative bird house.
Spanky Ham: Nothin reminds me of my first time like a chick crying!
Captain Hero: Hey, pig! Great news!
Wooldoor Sockbat: Foxxy just bought us an insane amount of alcohol!
Captain Hero: Are you defecating into a cantalope?
Spanky Ham: [farts] Uh... this is awkward. I guess if I waited an hour, I coulda blamed it on the booze.
Captain Hero: I could stick and stir anyone of these broads, but I really wish we had one of those sexy black chicks
Foxxy Love: [Opens Door] Bling bling! Foxxy Love is in the house!
Captain Hero: Damn, I am good! I wish we had a twelve-year-old girl and a donkey!
[camera shifts from the door to Captain Hero several times; nothing happens]
Captain Hero: Damn.
Toot Braunstein: If I can't be the sex symbol, then I'll just be THE BITCH!
Princess Clara: Why should I apologize? It's not like I made her black.
[Spanky and Clara are neck deep in a ball pit and are discussing her bigoted views]
Princess Clara: I don't see why I should apologize. I mean, where I come from all my servants are black... or Presbyterian.
Spanky Ham: Yea, but honey, where you come from animated objects spring to life and spout silly catchphrases.
Blue Ball: [springs to life] Whach'u talkin' 'bout, pig?
Princess Clara: No, he's right, Blue Ball. Maybe I should just apologize.
Blue Ball: Usually, Clara looks to us for advice, but this time it came from Spanky. It's a good thing too, because I was going tell her to shoot the President.
Xandir: Why is it whenever something isn't working, your first impulse is to eat it?
Xandir: [Flashback - Toot is eating the TV] TOOT! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
Toot Braunstein: I couldn't find the Remote.
Foxxy Love: [the housemates have to vote on whether or not to keep Foxxy] You know this vote is total crap. She was totally into it! You saw us tongue-bang it!
Captain Hero: Sorry Foxxy, but if I vote you out now, I'll be one step closer to the million dollars!
Foxxy Love: Million dollars? You know this ain't one of them kinda shows right? Ain't no prizes!
Captain Hero: [aside in the confessional] Ah, silly Foxxy. She'll never win the million dollars with *that* kind of attitude!
Ling-Ling: [upon encountering a three headed acid spitting needle monster] Ling Ling pray for battle since Ling Ling first enter house! L. Ron Hubbard has finally answered!
Spanky Ham: I don't remember ordering a pizza...
[opens a box with his turd in it]
Spanky Ham: with sausage!
Ling-Ling's Father: [looks around the confessional room] Huh? What is this place?
Toot Braunstein: Blah, blah, blah! I'm Captain Hero and I can fly! And I...
Captain Hero: Do you mind, Fudgy? I'm on the phone!
Toot Braunstein: I don't care! I got to call my AA sponsor!
Captain Hero: [in a girlish voice] I said I'm on the phone!
Xandir: [while holding Ling-Ling] Hey, Ling-Ling, are you excited for Christmas?
[Ling-Ling perks up and nods]
Xandir: Too bad there's no such thing as a Santa Claus! I bet your disappointed.
[Xandir licks a sad Ling-Ling's secretion off and passes it to Toot]
Toot Braunstein: Ling-Ling, what's this in your ear? Is it a quarter?
[Ling-Ling perks up]
Toot Braunstein: No, it's a tumor!
[licks a sad Ling-Ling's secretion off and passes it to a sickly-looking Wooldor]
Wooldoor Sockbat: Hey, Ling-Ling, you, uh... excited for Christmas?
[Ling-Ling perks up]
Wooldoor Sockbat: Oh, no, it's a tumor!
[licks a sad Ling-Ling's secretion off]
Xandir: [referring to "Mrs. Pacman"] That big-mouthed tranny is gonna tell my girlfriend I'm out!
Foxxy Love: You and Pacman huh? Well, you won't be the first fruit he's eaten! Go Foxxy! It's your birthday, not for real real, just for play play!
Princess Clara: [Spanky, Clara, and Foxxy are waiting for a pizza in order to play a prank on the delivery man] I had never been more nervous. The pizza would be here in thirty minutes or less, and with Foxxy's hands tied up in her hair, she was as useless as a Mexican!
[Clara just called Spanky's hobby of craping on pizza a little game]
Spanky Ham: What? What did you just say? The travel sized version of Battleships, *that's* a little game! Screwing with the Pizza Man, that's a way of life! Its who-I-Am!
Toot Braunstein: Damn it! Clara's pissing me off like Fat-Free sour cream!
Princess Clara: [about her octopussoir] Oh, please, please don't tell anybody. I'm afraid that I must ask you guys to keep my secret with a pinky swear!
Foxxy Love: I pinky swear.
Toot Braunstein: [They look at Toot] FINE! I pinky swear.
[Clara's octopussoir also pinky swears]
Captain Hero: [knocks on door] Clara, Toot told us that you have a monster for a vagina and we want to have a meeting about it.
Princess Clara: How is that even possible?
[Foxxy and Clara stare at Toot]
Toot Braunstein: Oopsey-Tootsey! I couldn't help myself.
Spanky Ham: I, for one, am not just going to wait around to be swallowed by a giant vagina!
[thinks for a minute]
Spanky Ham: Huh? Oh... wait, no, no, no.
Foxxy Love: We'll always have Paris. That's what we called it when I smashed his penis with a lead model of the Eiffel Tower
Ling-Ling: Ling Ling wake up inside land whale. Nothing to do. Only sex with chicken.
Captain Hero: [while playing spin the bottle with Spanky Ham and Wooldoor sockbat] Hey! If you're gonna be gay about this, you can't play!
Princess Clara: What is this thing in my mouth? / It's slippery and it's slimy / Travelling down my slender virgin pink esophagus. / Some black chick's tongue. / It's such a new sensation.
Foxxy Love: I got a mayonnaise mama on my lickin' hole / And we've only just begun...
Princess Clara: It's really quite thrilling...
Foxxy Love: It's right. Now you know...
Princess Clara: I can taste a filling...
Foxxy Love: And it's solid gold...
Princess Clara: I never dreamed I would be so willing / To let myself go.
Foxxy Love: Tell me about it! / I'm totally frenching a racist 'ho!
Princess Clara: What a wonderful feeling
Foxxy Love: Damn where'd this bitch get her earrings?
Princess Clara: I've never had so much fun
Captain Hero: How cool is this? / We've only been here a day / And I already find myself in a 3-way!
Elmer Fudd: Shh, be vewy vewy qwiet. I'm going to welease your thwobbing member from its weather pwison.
Toot Braunstein: We have to fight for our food now? These competitions are bulltoot!
Captain Hero: I would've been more pissed at Spanky, but you know, I just won FIFTY DOLLARS!
Wooldoor Sockbat: If anyone needs me, I'll be in the Clock Tower.
[cocks a sniper rifle]
Toot Braunstein: [after hearing of Spanky's game of crapping on pizza] You want to do *what* to pizza? The most tasty and delicious of all that is tasty and delicious? So you can sh*t on it? I should kill you where you stand!
[punches a hole through the wall]
Xandir: You used to care about me!
Captain Hero: What?
Xandir: You used to say I was pretty!
Captain Hero: No, I didn't!
Xandir: You used to dress up for me!
Captain Hero: Only that one time!
Toot Braunstein: [drunk] I thought you loved me, Captain Morgan!
[smashes bottle of booze against the wall]
Toot Braunstein: Oh no, you're bleeding! I'll save you, Cap'n Morgan!
[licks booze off wall]
Captain Hero: Oho! We fell for the ol' neck-sprain, well-lit pie diversion.
[Xandir tells Toot how to make herself throw up and Toot makes a comment about having her fingers in Pepe Le Pew]
Xandir: You were with Pepe Le Pew? You MINX...
Toot Braunstein: Not *the* Pepe LePew... *MY* Pepe Le Pew!
Foxxy Love: Come on, people! Fight the power! We know you're a little games producer! Mama didn't raise no fool, and Daddy didn't raise me at all!
Princess Clara: You're probably wondering about my octopussior... It's french.
[in the confessional]
Princess Clara: I've never shared my story with anyone before. It's all so... so personal. I told the girls that the only way I could get it out was through interpretive dance.
[she then dances interpretively]
Foxxy Love: Really? When you was but a child, your stepfather cast a curse on yo' vagina?
Princess Clara: What? Weren't you paying attention?
[demonstrates a move]
Princess Clara: My evil step *mother*! *Mother* placed the curse on me!
Toot Braunstein: Uh-duuuuuh!
Toot Braunstein: So, Clara, how was your day?
Princess Clara: It was magical!
Toot Braunstein: I guess it would have been if you were violated by a magician.
Foxxy Love: Now Foxxy Love did not want a riot to break out - even though she 'sho could use a new TV set. So, Foxxy decided to call a house meeting.
Toot Braunstein: So we're just a bunch of monkies dancing for the cameras! And what do we get in return? Nothing! At least monkies get beat off by their owners once in awhile!
Foxxy Love: [on attending Wooldoor's funeral] That was the first funeral I'd been to in a long time that did not take place in my womb.
Foxxy Love: Just when you thought racism couldn't get any more racismer!
Xandir: Wow, you're from Mortal Kombat? I'm from a video game too! So tell me, what's your special move?
Scorpion: Get over here!
[catches Xandir with his spear and pulls his head off]
Computer Voice: Fatality...
Xandir: Impressive. My special move's the reach-around!
Scorpion: Oy vey...
Foxxy Love: I'm like Sherlock Holmes, if he played tambourine and shaved his cooch.
Captain Hero: Don't make me kick your ass!
Wooldoor Sockbat: Don't make me suck your cock!
Captain Hero: Don't make me cuddle you like a baby!
Wooldoor Sockbat: Don't make me suck your cock!
Princess Clara: Have you noticed we didn't get any screen time this week?
Toot Braunstein: Well, uh, duh! That's because we've been in the basement all week making this awesome potato gun!
Ling-Ling: Ling-Ling find great new shampoo... also worst lingual nightmare.
[trying to pronounce the brand name Prell]
Ling-Ling: P... Plerr...
Spanky Ham: Says to Princess Clara - if that will get you out of this ball-pit so I can check out that precious vertical smile of yours.
Foxxy Love: Foxxy found herself in a pickle, instead of the other way around.
Foxxy Love: She doesn't know anything about sex. How does she get men to pay her rent?
Princess Clara: I needed to help Wooldoor before he flushes his life down the sink!
Princess Clara: [in the confessional] The Producers told us that we must start a business of our choosing. I wanted to have a bake sale but the stereotypes had other ideas.
Xandir: Let's open a hair salon!
Foxxy Love: OOOH, we could shine shoes!
Ling-Ling: I say full-release massage parlour that serves wok-fried puppies!
Toot Braunstein: LET'S EAT POTATO SALAD!
Foxxy Love: [on the producers word edits] God damn white producers with their god damn white flashes. They can edit us to make us say whatever they want.
Foxxy Love: My... thang... is... made... out... of... bacon.
[after the editing]
Foxxy Love: STOP IT! Anyway, where was I? Oh yeah. My thang's 100% pure bacon.
Wooldoor Sockbat: Holy crap! I'm supposed to be in the Witness Protection Program!
Wooldoor Sockbat: So God killed everyone... the good guys... the bad guys... and even Steve from Long Island... but not me. And I know why. With everyone else gone, I can finally enjoy masturbating the way he intended: by myself.