Dave the Barbarian (2004– )
Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse: I had that dream again. You know. The one where I do obscene things to penguins with a croquet mallet.
Candy: We definitely need to get you out of the stable more.
Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse: Faffy couldn't help but to wonder: would the other dragons like him? Would they be nice to him or would they poke him and call him Jasper?
Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse: I made you a song... of joy.
[puts record on]
Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse: [singing] I had a dream about... some shrieking rats / With red hot pokers, and big pointy hats / They didn't listen to my cries... or screams / But took their nastiness to *wild* extremes!
Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse: I'd like to try out for the part... of the Grim Reaper... who ushers screaming souls into the next life...
Dave: There is no Grim Reaper in this play.
Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse: I could improvise!
Chuckles the Silly Piggy: I'm the master of all evil. THE MASTER OF ALL EVIL! I can't help it if I have an adorably, curly tail.
Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse: Storyteller: And so, the battle rages on and on, month after month, year after year...
Dave: Uh, it's only been five minutes.
Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse: Storyteller: I don't know why I try.
Chuckles the Silly Piggy: Ooooooh, my little piggy ribcage!
Chuckles the Silly Piggy: Here's a fork so you can EAT YOUR WORDS!
Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse: ...For it is they, they who will suffer!
Candy: Whatever. Can we go now?
Dave: Ready, Lula?
Lula the Magic Sword: I refuse to come out like this.
Dave: What's wrong?
Lula the Magic Sword: Her *ladyship* thought I needed a more "civilized" look.
[she comes out covered with... ]
Dave: Are those roses?
Lula the Magic Sword: Yes.
Dave: Cause I'm ALLERGIC TO ROSES.
[performing a musical of his own making]
Dave: Alas, poor Danish. What is thy filling? Just ask the Danish prince. You're filled with...
Dave: Cheese and sugar / cheese and sugar / with the texture / of a booger...
[fighting a dragon]
Dave: [to Lula] Come on! Do one of those magic energy blast dealies.
Lula the Magic Sword: What? And get a nasty letter from the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Dragons?
Candy: This is my secret princess pad. Absolutely NOBODY else knows it's here.
[toilet flush, and Oswidge walks out of the bathroom]
Oswidge: Sorry, the upstairs one wasn't working.
[Dave is screaming and running around the world and comes across some polar bears fishing]
Polar Bear 1: What was that?
Polar Bear 2: If it ain't fish, I ain't interested, that's my motto.
Chuckles the Silly Piggy: [after being crushed by an ogre] You crushed my little piggy spleen!
Dave: Can you keep him busy? I've got a plan.
Fang: You promise your plan isn't, "I bet I can get away while Fang keeps him busy"?
Dave: Why should I help her?
Fang: I think you already know the answer.
Dave: Right. Because Candy's my sister, and family is very important.
Fang: I was gonna say because if he didn't, I'd rip off his head and play volleyball with it, but I like his version better.
Dave: But I don't wanna be a barbarian!
Fang: You did when you were ten!
Dave: Yes, but I thought it meant a librarian that also cuts hair.
Dave: [trying to hide Faffy from Strom the Slayer in a fish bowl] You're going to have to give up this whole *breathing* thing.
Candy: He was your first owner?
[pointing to Argon]
Candy: Psshaw, you're like, 20,000 years old.
Lula the Magic Sword: [preparing to fire energy beam]
Lula the Magic Sword: What's your point?
Candy: Uhh... you don't look a day older than 16,000.
Candy: Okay, I've figured out a way to get you and Argon back together, but you have to utterly respect my every decision.
Lula the Magic Sword: How about, instead I don't?
Candy: Works for me.
Oswidge: Wow, it's a whole new kind of music! I'm gonna call it Rock & Roll, because it was like being hit with a rock, and I'm hungry for a roll.
Storyteller, Twinkle the Marvel Horse: And so, with a speed Dave usually reserves for fleeing in terror.
Candy: Could I BE a bigger freak?
Lula the Magic Sword: Based on your genetics, I'd say the prospects are terrific.