Bartleby Gaines: Nah, I'm not going to answer your question, 'cause you guys have already made up your minds. I'm an expert in rejection, and I can see it on your faces, and it's too bad that you judge us by the way we look and not by who we are, just because you want us to be more like them when the truth is we're not like them, and I am damn proud of that fact! I mean, Harmon College and their - their 100 years of tradition. But tradition of what? Of hazing kids and humiliating anyone who's a bit different? Of putting so much pressure on kids they turn into these - these stress freaks and caffeine addicts.
Dean Van Horne: Your phony school demeans real colleges everywhere!
Bartleby Gaines: Why? Why can't we both exist? Huh? You can have your grades, and your rules and your structure and your ivory towers, and then we'll do things our way. Why do we have to conform to what you want?
Dean Van Horne: Your curriculum is a joke, and you, sir, are a criminal.
Bartleby Gaines: You know what? You're a criminal. 'Cause you rob these kids of their creativity and their passion. That's the real crime! Well, what about you parents? Did -did the system really work out for you? Did it teach you to follow your heart, or to just play it safe, roll over? What about you guys? Did you always want to be school administrators? Dr. Alexander, was that your dream? Or maybe no, maybe you wanted to be a poet. Maybe you wanted to be a magician or an artist. Maybe you just wanted to travel the world. Look, I - I lied to you. I lied to all of you, and I'm sorry. Dad, especially to you. But out of that desperation, something happened that was so amazing. Life was full of possibilities, and isn't that what you ultimately want for us? As parents, I mean, is - is that, is possibilities. Well, we came here today to ask for your approval, and something just occurred to me: I don't give a shit. Who cares about your approval? We don't need your approval to tell us that what we did was real. 'Cause there are so few truths in this world, that when you see one, you just know it. And I know that it is a truth that real learning took place at South Harmon. Whether you like it or not, it did. 'Cause you don't need teachers or classrooms or - or fancy highbrow traditions or money to really learn. You just need people with a desire to better themselves, and we got that by the shit-load at South Harmon. So you can go ahead, sign your forms, reject us and shoot us down, and do whatever you gotta do. It doesn't really matter at this point, because we'll never stop learning, and we'll never stop growing, and we'll never forget the ideals what were instilled in us at our place, 'cause we are SHIT heads now, and we'll be SHIT heads forever and nothing you say can do or stamp can take that away from us, so GO!
Bartleby Gaines: Uh, Dean Lewis why don't you tell them a little bit about the philosophy here at south Harmon?
Uncle Ben: Look, we throw a lot of fancy words in front of these kids in order to attract them to going to school in the belief that they're gonna have a better life, and we know that all were doing is breeding a whole new generation of buyers and sellers, BUYERS AND SELLERS! Pimps and whores, PIMPS AND WHORES! and indoctrinating them into a life long hell of debt and indecision!
Jack Gaines: I... I, I just don't understand...
Uncle Ben: DO I HAVE TO SPOON FEED IT TO YA? look, there's only one reason that kids want to go to school...
Bartleby Gaines: [quietly] Holy shit...
Jack Gaines: [after long pause] ... Which is?
Uncle Ben: ...To get a good job... To get a good job, with a great starting salary.
Jack Gaines: I couldn't agree more.
Diane Gaines: It is so refreshing to have somebody approach education so rationally!
Uncle Ben: Fuckin' A!
Uncle Ben: Health insurance my ass! They don't pay for shit. You get sick on a Friday, they only pay from Monday through Thursday. You go to doctor A, they only pay for doctor B. You break your penis, they only fix vaginas!
[Dean Van Horne's BMW explodes as he walks toward it in Harmon College parking lot]
Bartleby Gaines: [cut to Bartleby Gaines and Freaky Student standing on hill on other side of parking lot]
[Bartleby exhales in disbelief]
Bartleby Gaines: Whoa!
Freaky Student: I told ya.
Uncle Ben: [to Group] What is learning? It's paying attention. It's opening yourself up to this great big ball of shit that we call life, and what's the worst that could happen? You get bit in the ass. Well let me tell you: my ass looks like hamburger meat, but I can still sit down.
Sherman Schrader: Who was that?
Bartleby Gaines: Oh, that's our mascot
Sherman Schrader: A sandwich? You're the SHIT Sandwiches?
Bartleby Gaines: What the hell happened?
Glen: An explosion of flavor. I'm working with some very unstable herbs.
Uncle Ben: [the panel has demanded to know if there is any real faculty at South Harmon] Present and accounted for!
Dean Van Horne: Oh, for God's sakes! Dr. Alexander, this man has not been a part of academia for three decades! We were on the faculty together at Harmon in our 20s, but he washed out. He's a drunk, he's a degenerate and he's looney tunes!
Sherman Schrader: HEY, ASSHOLE! You're talking about my Mom's brother!
Dean Van Horne: OH, SIT DOWN!
Sherman Schrader: [meekly] Okay.
Uncle Ben: HEY! Why don't you take your *P-h-D*, and shove it up your *A-S-S*!
[all the students cheer]
Glen: Oh look there's my old girlfriend Sarah Pellfan... YOU BROKE MY HEART!
Bartleby Gaines: And they all paid first semester's tuition?
Rory: Yep. 10,000 bucks apiece. I stopped counting after the first 100 checks.
Glen: That's 74 million dollars.
Rory: It's a million dollars, Glen.
Glen: Yeah... In human dollars.
Sherman Schrader: It was your idea to put "acceptance is just one click away"
Bartleby Gaines: Yeah, you put it as "one click away"! You don't make it... clickable!
Bartleby Gaines: Listen guys, there are plenty of successful people who didn't go to college. Albert Einstein. You know? Pocahontas never went to college. Corey Feldman and Corey Haim; they had a great run. Both Lewis and Clark. Suzanne Somers. Bono.
Uncle Ben: You know a lot of people say that college is a time when young men and women expand the way that they look at their world when they open their mind to new ideas and experiences and when they begin that long journey form the innocence of Youth, to the responsibilities of Adulthood... now isn't that a load of horse shit! AHAHAHAHA!
Bartleby Gaines: Remember that time we had to steal my mom's birth control pills?
Sherman Schrader: Yeah, and then Lizzie was born.
Bartleby Gaines: It's worse than that.
Bartleby Gaines: Schrader, come on. Don't be scared.
Sherman Schrader: Scared? I'm not scared. You're scared.
Hands: Schrader, you were scared to try the new flavor of Dr. Pepper.
Sherman Schrader: I told you that in confidence Hands!
Bartleby Gaines: Schrader, you were afraid when you're tooth fell out because you were terrified of the Tooth Fairy.
Sherman Schrader: That's actually a legitimate fear. She was rifling through my shit.
Bartleby Gaines: Does the run-of-the-mill college experience include stripping you of your dignity? Totally humiliating you, making you wear a... a... frigging hot dog suit?
Sherman Schrader: It's a tradition.
Bartleby Gaines: A tradition?
Sherman Schrader: Yes.
Bartleby Gaines: I've got a tradition for you. Schrader, you've been my best friend since we were 5 years old. That's the only tradition I know.
Bartleby Gaines: You said you didn't wanna be a part of this thing.
Sherman Schrader: I didn't want to have anything to do with it. I wanted to be the fourth generation of Schrader to go to Harmon. But then I realized, I would much rather be the first generation of Schrader to go to the South Harmon Institute of Technology. I said it, okay? I said it.
Bartleby Gaines: So you're saying... you're saying you want to be a S.H.I.T. head?
Sherman Schrader: I'm saying I wanna be a S.H.I.T. head. I wanna be a S.H.I.T. head.
Monica: There are a lot of things in my life that I thought were real and ended up being fake. Why can't the opposite be true?
Bartleby Gaines: Hey Shrad, do you know any places up near Harmon we can rent?
Sherman Schrader: Oh, yeah I do, actually. I carry around a list with me at all times of abandoned buildings for fake colleges.
Sherman Schrader: Right, you date Monica Morlan.
Hoyt Ambrose: That, I do.
Sherman Schrader: Right, I think about her when I masturba...
Freaky Student: I want to learn how to blow shit up with my mind.
Sherman Schrader: I don't want to be here alone when the walls start to bleed!
Hands: [while Bartleby is on the phone, Glen is on a ladder] Hey Glen! Catch!
Glen: [Jumps off of ladder into bush] Mother of hell!
Bartleby Gaines: Glen since when have you been working at the kwik and stop?
Glen: since I got boned HARD by every college I applied to
Bartleby Gaines: why what happened?
Glen: some political crap I got a zero on my SAT's.
Sherman Schrader: you do know you get 600 points just for signing your name right?
Glen: ...aw DAMNIT!
Bartleby Gaines: Why'd you get fired?
Glen: I got fired for making a shrimp slushy.
Bartleby Gaines: That's disgusting! Why would you do that pal?
Glen: 'Cause I was hungry and thirsty!
Kiki: Come again? No, really, come again. PLEASE come again!
Glen: [ordering around in the kitchen] I got 85 pork tenderloins with balsamic vinegar demiglaze. Ka-blam! Eddie, we gotta pack these paninis for Rory's nature walk. Pronto! And someone get a rabbi down here to bless this chicken. Tomorrow we're gonna go kosher.
Sherman Schrader: This place is awesome cause now I can finally get Hepatitis!
Abernathy: Hi there! What's your name? My name's Abernathy Darwin Dunlap but you can call me A.D.D. on the account of the fact that I have A.D.D., which is attention deficit disorder. You know - everyone used to think it was just an addiction to sugar when I was 6 and my mom used to cry because she thought I would never be like a fully functioning member of society like my neighbor who has Legionnaires' disease.
Sherman Schrader: Yes! Yes! I want it! I want everything you guys have! I want Lilac shirts! I want visors kinda tilted to the side with hair gel coming out of them! I want to have sex with girls that look like this!
Bartleby Gaines: [waving and fake smiling at girls leaving in their yellow buggy] Hey! I hate my life. I'm a huge tool. Have fun being hot.
Dean Van Horne: Rejection. That's what makes a college great. The exclusivity of any university is judged primarily by the amount of students it rejects.
Abernathy: [raises hand straight up in air and jumps around] When I got accepted here, it was the first time my parents ever said they were proud of me!
[everyone claps, whistles and cheers]
Sherman Schrader: Yeah, cool guys. Let's start this fake college, and then we'll go start a meth lab somewhere. Come on, it's a gateway crime. That's how these things start.
Glen: [seeing the cobweb infested kitchen for the first time] This kitchen is bitchin.
Sherman Schrader: [screams loudly and high-pitched]
Bartleby Gaines: Schrader, what the hell was that?
Bartleby Gaines: Uh, this is embarrassing.
Bartleby Gaines: Are you kidding me?
Sherman Schrader: It'd be really cool if you guys wouldn't... tell people I scream like that.
Uncle Ben: I'm going off the grid. No more Franchises, no more botox, no more "Hey, oh, lets clone another goat," and certainly no more sexual harassment lawsuits, what's wrong with saying "Hey, nice tits." When did that go out the window?
Uncle Ben: Right or Left?
Uncle Ben: Whose right?
Glen: Your call
Uncle Ben: You're an idiot!
Glen: You're upset, go with what you feel. You got about twelve feet.
[Trailer hits a tree]
Uncle Ben: Asshole.
Girl: Can you sign a copy of your book for me? I got it on eBay.
Uncle Ben: They sell my shit on eBay?
Guy: You wrote a book?
Uncle Ben: Yeah. That was back when I was drinking.
Sherman Schrader: [looking at the rundown, abandoned building] I hope you guys have hobo stab insurance.
Bartleby Gaines: Hey Rory, hows it goin? What's wrong?
Rory: I... I... I- I didn't get into Ya- I didn't get into... I-I-I I didn't get into Yal- I didn't get into Yale.
Bartleby Gaines: What? Why not?
Rory: Well, there's no room for Rory at Yale! No, too many mediocre rich kids with well-connected parents.
Bartleby Gaines: Schrader, what about you? What do you want to learn?
Sherman Schrader: Well, B, I'm glad you asked actually, 'cause since we're going to prison, I'm gonna learn how to carve a shank out of my toothbrush.
Rory: Ever since nursery school, every single waking moment of every single day has been scheduled. So what do I want to do? Nothing.
Bartleby Gaines: Cheap, zen, beautiful. I like it.
Hoyt Ambrose: You want me to give you something funny to laugh about?
Bartleby Gaines: You mean funnier than your future alcohol abuse?
Glen: BATTLE ROYALE
Jack Gaines: [on the phone] Tell me what classes you're taking?
Bartleby Gaines: [on the phone] Classes? Right, I'm taking
[sees kids playing craps]
Bartleby Gaines: statistics, and uhh
[sees kids dealing drugs]
Bartleby Gaines: business, and
[sees girl nearly taking her bikini off]
Bartleby Gaines: an... a... tomy...
Diane Gaines: Are you huffing?
Bartleby Gaines: Oh god.
Diane Gaines: Are you high?
Jack Gaines: You're huffing grass?
Bartleby Gaines: No I'm not huffing mom I'm not stoned I'm completely fine, infact I'm more clear and level headed than I've ever been.
Jack Gaines: Okay cut the crap Bartleby. Society has rules and the first rule is: You go to college. You wanna have a happy and successful life, you go to college. If you wanna be somebody, you go to college. If you wanna fit in, you go to college.
Bartleby Gaines: Well you know what maybe I didn't get into college!
Diane Gaines: I knew we should've started preparing for college in junior high, like your sister.
Jack Gaines: Now she's got a shot.
Lizzie Gaines: I've got a shot.
Diane Gaines: She's got a shot.
Jack Gaines: Listen, I took another look at that website, what's all this be-what-you-wanna-be-crap?
Bartleby Gaines: Oh no no, dad they just have to say stuff like that just to keep from being sued.
Jack Gaines: Yeah well it sounds like a bunch of crap to me.
Bartleby Gaines: Schrader what about you?
Sherman Schrader: Well B I'm glad you asked actually because since we're going to prison, I wanna learn how to carve a shank out of my toothbrush.
Bartleby Gaines: Okay ha ha. I'll tell you something though, all our lives we've been told what to learn, well today the tide is going to turn my friend because today we're gonna ask the customers.