Dave Spritz: People don't throw things at me any more. Maybe because I carry a bow around.
Dave Spritz: We both just think it's better for the kids.
Robert Spritzel: David, sacrifice is... to get anything of value, you have to sacrifice.
Dave Spritz: I know that dad, but I think that if we continue down this road, it's gonna be too detrimental for the kids. It's just too hard.
Robert Spritzel: Do you know that the harder thing to do and the right thing to do are usually the same thing? Nothing that has meaning is easy. "Easy" doesn't enter into grown-up life.
Dave Spritz: Always fast food. Fast food. Things that people would rather throw out than finish. It's easy, it tastes all right, but it doesn't really provide you any nourishment. I'm fast food.
Dave Spritz: The first time I was struck with something, a chicken breast from Kenny Rogers. I was standing next to a garbage pail. I thought it might've been an accident, that they were throwing it out. The second time, it hit me square on the chin, a soft taco. Then, pop. A falafel. McNuggets. Always fast food. Fast food. Shit people would rather throw out than finish. It's easy. It tastes all right, but it doesn't really provide you any nourishment
Dave Spritz: I'm fast food.
Dave Spritz: Here's something that if you want your father to think you're not a silly fuck, don't slap a guy across the face with a glove because if you do that, that's what he will think. Unless you're a noble man or something in the nineteenth century. Which I am not.
Dave Spritz: It was a McDonald's hot apple pie. They're not kidding. It was hot.
Dave Spritz: The other thing that gets to people, that leads to pies, I guess are these catch phrases we're required to use to single the program out. It gets under people's skin. Spritz Nipper. But the whole thing about all of it, all the getting hit with stuff, the whole thing is, who gets hit with a fucking pie, anyway? Did anyone ever throw a pie at Thomas Jefferson? Or Buzz Aldrin? I doubt it. But this is like the ninth time I got
Dave Spritz: Clowns get hit with pies.
Dave Spritz: I mean, I'll bet no one ever threw a pie at, like Harriet Tubman, the founder of the Underground railroad. I'll bet you a million fucking dollars.
Dave Spritz: Man, I'd like to put my face in there. Right in there. Tartar sauce. My hips are cold. Tartar sauce. That's when you know its cold. I like eating pussy. Tartar sauce. A lot of guys don't. Well maybe they do. Maybe that's just black guys. Tartar sauce. What happened to the guy who was trying to fly around the world in a balloon? Did he make it? I should put some espionage or stolen plutonium in my novel. Tartar sauce. Spice it up. Neil Young. Fuck, its cold. Neil Young. Wh-why am I thinking about Neil Young. Neil Diamond. Neil... Theres not a lot of famous Neils. Is this Wednesday? I wish I had two dicks. I thought the whole family was going to learn Spanish together this year. That never really happened. I haven't had a Spanish omelette in a long time. Here we go.
Dave Spritz: [thinking] I wish I had two dicks.
Robert Spritzel: This shit life... we must chuck some things. We must chuck them... in this shit life. There's always looking after.
Robert Spritzel: [Robert Spritz drives up] Weatherman!
[Dave prepares to be hit with food]
Dave Spritz: [Dave gets in his father's car] Hey.
Robert Spritzel: Hi.
Dave Spritz: Are you all right?
Robert Spritzel: Yeah. Umm, I just wanted you to...
Dave Spritz: What?
[Robert Spritz begins playing Bob Seger's "Like a Rock"]
Robert Spritzel: I don't really get it. Am I following it?
Dave Spritz: It was just a lead up to other things I wanted to say. Here's the part.
["... And I held firm to what I felt was right like a rock..."]
Dave Spritz: I wanted to talk about that part... about you. That's like you.
Dave Spritz: I got the job.
Robert Spritzel: New York?
[Dave Spritz nods his head yes]
Robert Spritzel: That's terrific. That's a remarkable income. That's more money than I ever made, that salary.
Dave Spritz: Yeah.
Robert Spritzel: That's quite an American accomplishment.
Dave Spritz: Thanks.
Robert Spritzel: Are you okay?
Dave Spritz: I can't knuckle down. Noreen's marrying Russ.
Dave Spritz: There's nothing to knuckle down on, so... I can't fucking knuckle down.
Robert Spritzel: Your hand...
Dave Spritz: I just saw Mike's counselor.
Robert Spritzel: Mike mentioned that you were gonna fix this business up. He's in no trouble?
[Dave shakes his head no]
Robert Spritzel: Good job. Your hand okay?
Dave Spritz: It's okay.
Robert Spritzel: You certain?
Dave Spritz: Don't worry.
Dave Spritz: You know when I was in school, I guess the hardest thing was how other kids can be a little mean. . names, and stuff. Do you ever get called names?
Shelly: Like what?
Dave Spritz: I don't know - like, dummy if you miss a question. . or, camel toe?
Shelly: Yeah... camel toe.
Dave Spritz: Do you know why?
Shelly: Why, what?
Dave Spritz: Why you get called camel toe. .
Dave Spritz: Why hun?. .
Shelly: Because, camel toes are tough. They can walk all over the desert and all the hot rocks. I'm tough.
Dave Spritz: That's right. It's because they're tough. Ready to shop again? . .
Shelly: I think they make car tires out of camel toes.
Robert Spritz: What is this sucking and chucking and jacking of fucking up, son? He's fifteen years old! What is this shit?
Shelly: These fucking crutches are too long.
Dave Spritz: What did you say?
[turns to Dave]
Noreen: Well, what were you doing?
Dave Spritz: It was a picnic.
Noreen: [referring to Shelly] And she tore something?
Dave Spritz: ACL. MCL.
Dave Spritz: [after a slight pause] Both.
Dave Spritz: Well, we didn't go bungee jumping! It was a fucking potato-sack race!
Noreen: That's where she got it.
Dave Spritz: What?
Noreen: "Fucking" this. "Fucking" that.
Dave Spritz: No, I never said that around her.
Noreen: You don't know you have, Dave, because you don't pay attention!
Dave Spritz: Fuck that.
Dave Spritz: Why are you here, anyway?
Robert Spritzel: I came to talk to Noreen about an issue concerning Shelly.
Dave Spritz: Well, you can talk to me. I'm her parent, too. So? What?
Robert Spritzel: Shelly dresses in clothing not appropriate for her... clinging stuff.
Dave Spritz: All kids wear... Dad, it's a different generation.
Robert Spritzel: They call her camel toe.
Dave Spritz: What?
Robert Spritzel: Are you aware of that?
Dave Spritz: What?
Robert Spritzel: That her colleagues call her camel toe.
Dave Spritz: What are you talking about?
Robert Spritzel: It means the crease in her vagina that they can discern through her clothing.
Dave Spritz: What?
Robert Spritzel: Camel toe.
Noreen: [reading Dave's note about her from their group session] "Throughout marriage, BJs lacked enthusiasm. Had difference of opinion over how important that was. I thought very." You know what, Dave? You want to know why my BJs lacked enthusiasm? I hated you. I hated your hair. I hated your ugly legs, your forearms. I hated kissing your lips, Dave. Okay? And that's why I lacked enthusiasm when your cock was in my mouth.
Shelly: I heard they make tires out of camel toes.
Robert Spritzel: What happened to you?
Dave Spritz: I got hit with a Frosty.
Robert Spritzel: Why did you get hit with a Frosty?
Robert Spritzel: What is a Frosty?
Dave Spritz: It's a shake. From Wendy's.
Robert Spritzel: Why did you get hit with a shake?
Dave Spritz: That was refreshing. I'm refreshed. I'm refreshing.
Russ: Dave, step back right now.
Dave Spritz: Fuck you right now.
Russ: Fuck you, Spritz.
Dave Spritz: Fuck you, fat asshole! Dildo!
Robert Spritzel: David, what are you doing?
Dave Spritz: I'm talking to my wife! I'm talking to Noreen, and this clown whose business this isn't.
Russ: You call me a dildo, it is my business, Spritz.
Dave Spritz: You *are* a dildo, pork fuck. You porker!
Dave Spritz: I remember once imagining what my life would be like, what I'd be like. I pictured having all these qualities, strong positive qualities that people could pick up on from across the room. But as time passed, few ever became any qualities that I actually had. And all the possibilities I faced and the sorts of people I could be, all of them got reduced every year to fewer and fewer. Until finally they got reduced to one, to who I am. And that's who I am, the weather man.
[while watching Dave Spritz doing the weather on TV]
Viewer: What kind of name is Spritz? It's a bullshit name. It's a TV name. He's bullshit.
Viewer's Wife: Well, I like him. He's handsome.
Viewer: He's an asshole. I don't like his face. His asshole face.
Dave Spritz: Hello, America.
Dave Spritz: [thinking] What must you think of me? Your family leader. Your non-meteorologist, yet weather man, frosty taking fuck-happy son. Don't die yet Robert, give me time to get it together. Give me a little while, let me get the Hello America job. I can get it together.
Dave Spritz: Every couple months, someone throws something at me. A shake, a burrito once. Why? My name partly, I guess. I changed it for professional reasons, my first station manager suggested it - he said it sounded refreshing and that they wanted that quality. That may be true, but it's also annoying. I know that.
Robert Spritzel: I read your book.
Dave Spritz: Fuck. I was gonna do, some more work on it, then I chucked it.
Robert Spritzel: You chucked it?
Dave Spritz: Garbage.
Robert Spritzel: I-it's just what I do, David, I've practiced and I've gotten good. Like you and the weather business.
Dave Spritz: But I don't predict it. Nobody does, 'cause i-it's just wind. It's wind. It blows all over the place! What the fuck!
Dave Spritz: Hi Russ.
Russ: He's upstairs, he's still pretty upset about it.
Dave Spritz: Did he talk about it?
Russ: Yeah. .
Dave Spritz: To you?
Russ: He's told us what happened, uh, he was with his counselor Don Boden, I guess...
Dave Spritz: I don't really know why what happened next, happened. He was talking about my son, and I was taking my gloves off.
[slaps Russ with his glove]
Russ: What the fuck?
Dave Spritz: Why are you here?
Russ: What are you doing?
Dave Spritz: Why, are you here?
Russ: I'm helping Noreen!
Dave Spritz: Why are you helping?
Station Assistant Director: You should say "We might see some snow, but it might shift South, and miss us."
Dave Spritz: I can see it. I sorta of wanna understand it. Why is it?
Station Assistant Director: Well, it's Canadian trade winds.
Dave Spritz: Behind all of it?
Station Assistant Director: Yeah, this will get pushed by wind out of Canada.
Dave Spritz: So what's it gonna do?
Station Assistant Director: I don't know. It's a guess, it's wind, man. Blows all over the place.
Dave Spritz: Good afternoon. . many of you came from long distances, and I know I speak for my mom and Noreen and my family, Mike and Shelly when I say thank you. When I think of my dad, I think of Bob Seger's Like a Rock -
[the power goes out]
Dave Spritz: And then the power went out. Then, when the lights came back on in 40 minutes every one had pretty much forgotten that I was talking. And we never finished that part of the thing. . so my speech was, 'When I think of my dad, I think of Bob Seger's Like a Rock.' That's all I said at my dad's living funeral, something; about Bob Seger.