Kicking & Screaming (2005)
Phil Weston: I am angry. I'm like a large tornado of anger, swirling about.
Phil Weston: [Phil is being kicked out of Beantown] What's happening Derek, I thought we were friends.
Beantown Employees: My name is Andy.
Phil Weston: No, your name is Liar, 'cause you tell lies.
Ann Hogan: Hi, Mr.Ditka. I was wondering - my son byong-sun is a little shy, so could I get an autograph?
Mike Ditka: Yeah, sure, how do you spell it?
Ann Hogan: B-Y-...
Mike Ditka: I think I got it.
Donna Jones: [walking away looking at autograph] Bing-bong?
Buck Weston: We've got balls!
Phil Weston: And vitamins!
Buck Weston: But mostly balls!
Phil Weston: [with all the kids from the Tigers and Gladiators teams]
Phil Weston: AND VITAMINS!
Phil Weston: They're like 4-foot whirling dervishes. I don't even know what a whirling dervish is but that's what they're like.
Referee: Where do I know you from?
Phil Weston: I've been your neighbor for the last seven years!
Referee: No, that ain't it.
Phil Weston: That's definitely it!
Referee: I'll figure it out.
Mike Ditka: Coffee is the lifeblood that fuels the dreams of champions.
Phil Weston: I was born a baby, a blank slate. I thought I was in control of my own destiny, and then I met my dad.
Phil Weston: You're my assistant. You're supposed to back me up and go get me juiceboxes whenever I want. Now go get me a juicebox!
Mike Ditka: DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO?
Phil Weston: I'm talkin' to the juicebox guy!
Mike Ditka: You're crazy!
Phil Weston: I'm not crazy, I'm just thirsty!
Mike Ditka: OH, YOU GO TO HELL!
Phil Weston: No, you go to hell, and while you're there, why don't you grab me a juicebox!
Buck Weston: I take a vitamin everyday. It's called a steak.
Phil Weston: Hey, you didn't have to take up two spaces!
Obnoxious Hummer Lady: Actually, I did. Look at the size of this bad boy, huh?
[indicating Phil's smaller sedan]
Obnoxious Hummer Lady: This is cute, though! You're saving the environment for all of us. Go hemp! Ha ha!
Buck Weston: You know how hard it's been for me ever since your mom died.
Phil Weston: She didn't die! She divorced you!
Buck Weston: Ehh... tomatoes, tomahtoes.
Phil Weston: Ambrose
Phil Weston: I saw a bunch of nonsense out there. What was going through your head out there last week?
Ambrose: I was breaking my back for you coach because of my love for the game.
Phil Weston: LIAR!
Phil Weston: Well, if it isn't Porkface Jones. I can eat a box of cookies tonight. Can you do that? No. Because you're nothin' but a fart-faced kid.
[kid starts attacking him]
Phil Weston: GET HIM OFF ME!
[someone pulls kid off]
Phil Weston: That's like the little jackal from hell!
Jim Davidson 'The Captain': [after the Tigers have arrived to the soccer field from the butcher shop and are covered in blood] You know, actually one of my kids forgot his socks so we forfeit; yeah, we forfeit!
Jim Davidson 'The Captain': [turns and starts sprinting to their cars] Run to the car, kids! don't look back! Run!
Umberto: [making the two boys recite] Prima la carne, prima la carne.
Gian Piero: Prima la carne.
Massimo: Prima la carne.
Phil Weston: What?
Umberto: Meat first, THEN soccer!
Phil Weston: Right, meat comes first!
Connor: Coach, did you order the pizzas yet?
Phil Weston: All in good time, Connor. But in the event the pizzas don't arrive, I have already made the decision... that we will eat Byong Sun.
[Byong Sun backs away from the campfire, freaked out]
Phil Weston: Okay, we're not gonna eat him. But he does look pretty appetizing, you have to admit.
Mark Avery: Hi, I'm Mark Avery - you know, I like to keep my pimp hands strong
[waving hands, gesturing]
Mark Avery: You dig, Cracker? Ya feel me?
Phil Weston: What does that mean?
Mark Avery: I don't know, I heard it on a rap video once. But I'm really funny. I've got like a million jokes.
Phil Weston: Great, I'd love to hear one. Shoot.
Mark Avery: Remember the time when you caught and you fell over?
Phil Weston: Right, yeah...
Mark Avery: [all the kids laugh] Ha ha! I got ya good! I burned ya! I got ya, bad!
Phil Weston: How did I get burned? Okay, apparently I don't get it.
Mike Ditka: [to the Tigers team] Now this is gonna be the hardest, most difficult thing you ever attempted in your entire life. But you know what, when it's over...
Phil Weston: Don't get emotional...
Mike Ditka: When it's over...
Phil Weston: When it's over...
Mike Ditka: You guys are gonna be champions! My God, you're going to be champions!
Phil Weston: Champions!
Mike Ditka: Now let's get out there and kick some butt!
Phil Weston: On three, 'let's have fun'.
The Tigers: [all chant] One, two, three, Let's have fun!
Mike Ditka: [to Phil, mocking] 'Let's have fun,' what's THAT?
Buck Weston: Oh, this oughtta be good. If we live long enough, we'll see Iron Mike and Aluminum Phil coaching the Tigers.
Mike Ditka: I couldn't really hear ya, Weston. My Superbowl ring was making too much noise.
Barbara Weston: [trying to comfort an anguished Phil] Phil, I love you...
Phil Weston: [crying] What does THAT have to do with ANYTHING?
Phil Weston: Hi, I'm Phil Weston and this is my son, Sam. I'm new to coffee... I was wondering if you could mix half of the regular version with half of the decaffinated version?
Beantown Employees: [to coworker, annoyed] Half-caff...
Beantown Customers: Right, Half-caff.
Phil Weston: A Half-caff!
Phil Weston: We're gonna have a Half-caff.
Sam Weston: [to customer] We're gonna have a Half-caff.
Beantown Customers: [annoyed] Yay.
Beantown Employees: Half-caff.
Phil Weston: Thanks.
[takes a sip, it's way too hot and he drops the coffee]
Phil Weston: Yowww! Mother of Pearl!
Beantown Employees: [more pissed now] You shoulda waited for the jacket.
Phil Weston: Right... I just got too eager. Uh...
Beantown Employees: [to coworker] 'nother Half-caff!
Beantown Customers: [more pissed] Right, 'nother Half-caff!
[Referee's hairpiece falls off; Byong Sun picks it up and puts it on]
Byong Sun: Look at me! I'm the Ref! I'm the Ref!
Referee: [chasing him] You little... give it back!
Phil Weston: [grabs it off Byong Sun and gives back] Sorry about that.
Bald Soccer Dad: How much do you think one of those things costs?
Phil Weston: I have no idea.
Phil Weston: [passing out DVDs] These are instructional DVDs. Study them. Watch them. I only watched it once and already I learned this - it's called "Up and Over".
[he shows them this new kick, nearly wrecking the fireplace]
Phil Weston: [hears Barbara coming and passes the ball to Mark Avery] Here, hold this.
Barbara Weston: Guys, I told you, no playing soccer in the house.
Phil Weston: You did, you said it a lot.
Barbara Weston: Who did that?
Phil Weston: [pointing to Mark] He did.
The Tigers: HE DID!
Phil Weston: What? Nut'uh!
[the kids all descend upon him]
Phil Weston: So when i took over for Coach Benson...
Clark: [interrupting] I hear he's a woman now!
[laughter from the party guests]
Buck Weston: Yeah.
Phil Weston: Actually uh, truth be told, *no one* knows where he is right now. A lot of people are... concerned.
Phil Weston: I don't know *why* that's funny.
Phil Weston: OK, you caught me. The finches were a bad idea. And I wasn't gonna say anything, but I think some of them may have salmonella. A fair amount, in fact. I may have inadvertently poisoned your children.
Phil Weston: All right, Tigers. Lets get ready to play, huh? I don't want to see any laziness here. If we win this we're in the finals. If we get a big lead, we gotta pummel these guys, pummel them at all costs. Dominate, and hammer them. I want you to play dirty, if you have to, but don't get caught. Byong Sun, stay low. Ok. That's easy for you. Just chop-block 'em in the back of the knee. That will work well. Ambrose, you're big. Don't be afraid to throw the elbow. If you break someone's collar bone, that's a good thing, that's what the medic's for. Otherwise he's just sittin' around. All right! You hear me!
Mike Ditka: [team is doing push-ups] If you guys were the Bears, I'd fine you $10,000 apiece.
Phil Weston: Hey, I almost had you!
Buck Weston: What do you call that again, when you almost win? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah... Losing!
Phil Weston: [to Mark] How many sarcastic pills did you take this morning?
Ann Hogan: Byong-Sun is very shy - this book really helped us to deal with it, so you're probably gonna want to give it a glance.
Phil Weston: [reading title] My Child is Shy. Thanks.
Phil Weston: I'm sorry, who's your son?
Donna Jones: Byong-Sun.
Phil Weston: Oh, I see.
Phil Weston: Actually, I don't see, I'm sorry.
[realizing they are lesbians]
Phil Weston: Oh wait, now I see! Wow!
Ann Hogan: We're at all the games, unlike a lot of the other parents.
Phil Weston: No no, not like the other parents at all! You're better than the other parents.
Ambrose's Dad: Oh, so they're better?
Phil Weston: No, they're different.
Donna Jones: What do you mean "different"?
Phil Weston: I mean, you're different because you're better.
Ambrose's Dad: How are they better?
Phil Weston: You're both better different... in a different but better way!
Ann Hogan: Uh, okay.
[she walks off with Donna]
Ambrose's Dad: It's a little early to start playing favorites, Phil.
Byong Sun: [introducing himself] I'm Byong-Sun.
Phil Weston: Hi, Byong-Sun.
Byong Sun: I am a very kind person.
Phil Weston: Oh, that's sweet! Anything that relates to soccer?
Byong Sun: No sir.
Phil Weston: Well, maybe you and Ambrose can team up - he's big and you might form one megaperson.
[Ambrose gives him a dirty look]
Phil Weston: Okay, forget I just said that.
Phil Weston: [to Barbara] My dad, he's a coach. He knows the game, he's confident, he's smart, witty, dynamic, vicious, brutal, vindictive, a monster! And he will win by intimidation and forceful tactics if need be. I'm not like that. I don't know anyone like that. Do you?
[quick cut to Ditka house]
Mike Ditka: So Paul, what's on your mind?
Phil Weston: Actually, it's Phil.
Mike Ditka: It's not Paul?
Phil Weston: No.
Mike Ditka: What's the difference? Spit it out.
[lights a cigar]
Diana Ditka: Mike?
Mike Ditka: Here, hold this.
[gives cigar to Phil]
Diana Ditka: Oh no! We do not allow smoking in the house!
Phil Weston: I'm sorry, Mrs. Ditka.
Diana Ditka: You should be.
Mike Ditka: [Phil hands back cigar] I'll get rid of it, honey!
Donna Jones: [second lesbian extends her hand to Phil's, shaking it with a joltingly strong grip] Donna Jones. You can call me 'Chief.'
Phil Weston: Looks who's here! I'll give you a hint - Hall of Fame, Chicago Bears...
Mark Avery: Sammy Sosa?
Mike Ditka: C'mon!
Phil Weston: Football... coached the 1986...
Mike Ditka: '85.
Phil Weston: Right, '85 Bears to Superbowl victory... it's Mike Ditka!
Mark Avery: Do you know Sammy Sosa?
Mike Ditka: Hey, zip it, kid!
Sam Weston: Dad, you're getting a little creepy.
Phil Weston: I know, let's all bay at the moon.
Sam Weston: What?
Phil Weston: You know, howl at the moon... like this. Owwwwooooo... owooo... ow, ow, ow, ow, owwwoooo!
Neighbor: Shut up out there!
Phil Weston: You shut up in THERE!
[continues howling, and all the kids join in; momentarily, a pack of snarling dogs charge into the yard]
Neighbor: SHUT UP OUT THERE!
Phil Weston: YOU SHUT UP IN THERE!
Massimo: [after Sam keeps falling over] Mama Mia! You're a real DUFFER, you know?
The Tigers: [winning team, shouting] Two, four, six, eight! Who do we appreciate?
Mike Ditka: Shut up, ya little rats!
Phil Weston: They're just showing their appreciation.
Mike Ditka: I don't care about appreciation, I just want to win a soccer game.
[throws down his clipboard and walks off]
Phil Weston: [picks it up] Can I have this?
Phil Weston: Sure.
Phil Weston: Alllllright!
Phil Weston: [after Sam gets conked on the head with soccer ball] C'mon, Sam! Get the circulation back in your skull!
Phil Weston: [crying to Ditka] I don't like coffee! It's a vasoconstrictor!
Buck Weston: [to Phil] Be warned, muchacho! You're in the show, now!
Phil Weston: [to Barbara] Mike Ditka scares me! Have you ever looked into his eyes? Or at his hair?
Mike Ditka: New game plan - pass the ball to the EYEtalians!
Phil Weston: [to Gian Piero and Massimo] Take the field. Taka the fielda.
Phil Weston: This is Gian Piero and Massimo. They're apprentice butchers.
Mark Avery: Could the blacksmiths and candlestick makers not make it?
Mike Ditka: Shut up!
Ann Hogan: Coach Ditka? Hi. Our son, Byong Sun, he's very shy, and we were wondering
[hands him a pad to autograph]
Mike Ditka: Sure, 'be happy to.
Ann Hogan: Thank you so much. It's Byong Sun
Ann Hogan: B-Y...
Mike Ditka: [autographing] I think I got it.
[hands it back to them]
Mike Ditka: Bye bye.
Mike Ditka: [to Phil, awkwardly] Just... a wonderful couple.
Ann Hogan: [looking at the autograph] What...
Donna Jones: "Bing Bong"?
Mike Ditka: I eat quitters for breakfast and spit out their bones.
[Phil, Barbara, and Sam arrive at Buck and Janice's home after the game]
Janice Weston: Hi, you guys!
Barbara Weston: Hi!
Barbara Weston: Hi, Buck.
[she kisses him]
Buck Weston: Hey it's my two favorite people and Phil!
Phil Weston: Very funny, Dad. I've never heard that one before.
Phil Weston: [Byong Sun uses a drinking cup to make popping noises] 'Scuse me... just... don't do that with the cup, okay?
[Byong Sun momentarily stops, embarrassed]
Sam Weston: How do you say pizza in Italian?
Gian Piero: Pizza!
Sam Weston: How do you say "spaghetti"?
Gian Piero: Spaghetti!
Ambrose: Italian's easy.
Phil Weston: [on park pay phone with Umberto] I'm really getting sick and tired of this 'Meat Comes First' thing!
Party Guests: [singing] Happy Birthday to you! Happy...
Phil Weston: Quiet please! Shut up! I'm on the phone and you're not the only ones in the park!
Mark Avery: Hey Buck, remember when we beat you at the championship game?
Buck Weston: Oh yeah, well remember the time when I shoved that kid into the pool?
[kicks Mark into the swimming pool]
Phil Weston: [javelin drops just next to Barbara] Sorry. It's really windy!
Barbara Weston: [catching her breath] No it's not.
Phil Weston: It is over there.
Phil Weston: You step on this field, this is all about you. I mean, I'm not gonna be the one, staying up late at night, you know, punching a hole through the window. Or crying myself to sleep. Or wetting my bed. Okay? That's not gonna be me, 'cause I'm fine, I got my vitamin store to go back to. I'm gonna be just great. I'm gonna be great!
Phil Weston: You either win, go on to greatness, or you lose, and probably face a series of cataclysmic events for the rest of your lives.
Phil Weston: Hey, you just were served a plate of humiliation. How does that feel?
Phil Weston: I'm not like my old man, I'm a KIND and compassionate human BEING, with a HEART as big as a LION!
Phil Weston: Okay guys, I only want winners out on the field. Who's a winner? I said WHO'S A WINNER? Everyone's hand should be up!
Referee: [replacing toupee on head] Very funny - alright, you all had a laugh?
Phil Weston: Sorry about that.
Forest Avery: Hey, how much do you think those things are?
Phil Weston: I have no idea.
Forest Avery: Wow, what was that all about?
Phil Weston: Here's all I heard. The ref said-
[makes fart noise]
Phil Weston: -and my dad said-
[makes fart noise]
Phil Weston: -then, the ref said-
[makes fart noise]
Phil Weston: Any more questions? Hit the road.
[Forest awkwardly backs away]