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Kicking & Screaming (2005) Poster

Quotes

Phil Weston: I am angry. I'm like a large tornado of anger, swirling about.

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Phil Weston: [Phil is being kicked out of Beantown] What's happening Derek, I thought we were friends.

Beantown Employees: My name is Andy.

Phil Weston: No, your name is Liar, 'cause you tell lies.

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Ann Hogan: Hi, Mr.Ditka. I was wondering - my son byong-sun is a little shy, so could I get an autograph?

Mike Ditka: Yeah, sure, how do you spell it?

Ann Hogan: B-Y-...

Mike Ditka: I think I got it.

[gives paper]

Donna Jones: [walking away looking at autograph] Bing-bong?

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Buck Weston: We've got balls!

Phil Weston: And vitamins!

Buck Weston: But mostly balls!

Phil Weston: [with all the kids from the Tigers and Gladiators teams]

Phil Weston: AND VITAMINS!

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Phil Weston: They're like 4-foot whirling dervishes. I don't even know what a whirling dervish is but that's what they're like.

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Referee: Where do I know you from?

Phil Weston: I've been your neighbor for the last seven years!

Referee: No, that ain't it.

Phil Weston: That's definitely it!

Referee: I'll figure it out.

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Mike Ditka: Coffee is the lifeblood that fuels the dreams of champions.

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Phil Weston: I was born a baby, a blank slate. I thought I was in control of my own destiny, and then I met my dad.

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Phil Weston: You're my assistant. You're supposed to back me up and go get me juiceboxes whenever I want. Now go get me a juicebox!

Mike Ditka: DO YOU KNOW WHO YOU'RE TALKING TO?

Phil Weston: I'm talkin' to the juicebox guy!

Mike Ditka: You're crazy!

Phil Weston: I'm not crazy, I'm just thirsty!

Mike Ditka: OH, YOU GO TO HELL!

Phil Weston: No, you go to hell, and while you're there, why don't you grab me a juicebox!

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Buck Weston: I take a vitamin everyday. It's called a steak.

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Phil Weston: Hey, you didn't have to take up two spaces!

Obnoxious Hummer Lady: Actually, I did. Look at the size of this bad boy, huh?

[indicating Phil's smaller sedan]

Obnoxious Hummer Lady: This is cute, though! You're saving the environment for all of us. Go hemp! Ha ha!

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Buck Weston: You know how hard it's been for me ever since your mom died.

Phil Weston: She didn't die! She divorced you!

Buck Weston: Ehh... tomatoes, tomahtoes.

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Phil Weston: Ambrose

Ambrose: Yeah?

Phil Weston: I saw a bunch of nonsense out there. What was going through your head out there last week?

Ambrose: I was breaking my back for you coach because of my love for the game.

Phil Weston: LIAR!

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Phil Weston: Well, if it isn't Porkface Jones. I can eat a box of cookies tonight. Can you do that? No. Because you're nothin' but a fart-faced kid.

[kid starts attacking him]

Phil Weston: GET HIM OFF ME!

[someone pulls kid off]

Phil Weston: That's like the little jackal from hell!

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Jim Davidson 'The Captain': [after the Tigers have arrived to the soccer field from the butcher shop and are covered in blood] You know, actually one of my kids forgot his socks so we forfeit; yeah, we forfeit!

Jim Davidson 'The Captain': [turns and starts sprinting to their cars] Run to the car, kids! don't look back! Run!

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Umberto: [making the two boys recite] Prima la carne, prima la carne.

Gian Piero: Prima la carne.

Massimo: Prima la carne.

Phil Weston: What?

Umberto: Meat first, THEN soccer!

Phil Weston: Right, meat comes first!

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Connor: Coach, did you order the pizzas yet?

Phil Weston: All in good time, Connor. But in the event the pizzas don't arrive, I have already made the decision... that we will eat Byong Sun.

[Byong Sun backs away from the campfire, freaked out]

Phil Weston: Okay, we're not gonna eat him. But he does look pretty appetizing, you have to admit.

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Ann Hogan: You ease up on him.

Phil Weston: You just ease up there on your corduroy jacket.

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Mark Avery: Hi, I'm Mark Avery - you know, I like to keep my pimp hands strong

[waving hands, gesturing]

Mark Avery: You dig, Cracker? Ya feel me?

Phil Weston: What does that mean?

Mark Avery: I don't know, I heard it on a rap video once. But I'm really funny. I've got like a million jokes.

Phil Weston: Great, I'd love to hear one. Shoot.

Mark Avery: Remember the time when you caught and you fell over?

Phil Weston: Right, yeah...

Mark Avery: [all the kids laugh] Ha ha! I got ya good! I burned ya! I got ya, bad!

Phil Weston: How did I get burned? Okay, apparently I don't get it.

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Mike Ditka: [to the Tigers team] Now this is gonna be the hardest, most difficult thing you ever attempted in your entire life. But you know what, when it's over...

Phil Weston: Don't get emotional...

Mike Ditka: When it's over...

Phil Weston: When it's over...

Mike Ditka: You guys are gonna be champions! My God, you're going to be champions!

Phil Weston: Champions!

Mike Ditka: Now let's get out there and kick some butt!

Phil Weston: On three, 'let's have fun'.

The Tigers: [all chant] One, two, three, Let's have fun!

Mike Ditka: [to Phil, mocking] 'Let's have fun,' what's THAT?

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Buck Weston: Oh, this oughtta be good. If we live long enough, we'll see Iron Mike and Aluminum Phil coaching the Tigers.

Mike Ditka: I couldn't really hear ya, Weston. My Superbowl ring was making too much noise.

[crowd hisses]

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Barbara Weston: [trying to comfort an anguished Phil] Phil, I love you...

Phil Weston: [crying] What does THAT have to do with ANYTHING?

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Phil Weston: Hi, I'm Phil Weston and this is my son, Sam. I'm new to coffee... I was wondering if you could mix half of the regular version with half of the decaffinated version?

Beantown Employees: [to coworker, annoyed] Half-caff...

Beantown Customers: Right, Half-caff.

Phil Weston: A Half-caff!

[to Sam]

Phil Weston: We're gonna have a Half-caff.

Sam Weston: [to customer] We're gonna have a Half-caff.

Beantown Customers: [annoyed] Yay.

Beantown Employees: Half-caff.

Phil Weston: Thanks.

[takes a sip, it's way too hot and he drops the coffee]

Phil Weston: Yowww! Mother of Pearl!

Beantown Employees: [more pissed now] You shoulda waited for the jacket.

Phil Weston: Right... I just got too eager. Uh...

Beantown Employees: [to coworker] 'nother Half-caff!

Beantown Customers: [more pissed] Right, 'nother Half-caff!

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[Referee's hairpiece falls off; Byong Sun picks it up and puts it on]

Byong Sun: Look at me! I'm the Ref! I'm the Ref!

Referee: [chasing him] You little... give it back!

Phil Weston: [grabs it off Byong Sun and gives back] Sorry about that.

Bald Soccer Dad: How much do you think one of those things costs?

Phil Weston: I have no idea.

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Phil Weston: [passing out DVDs] These are instructional DVDs. Study them. Watch them. I only watched it once and already I learned this - it's called "Up and Over".

[he shows them this new kick, nearly wrecking the fireplace]

Phil Weston: [hears Barbara coming and passes the ball to Mark Avery] Here, hold this.

Barbara Weston: Guys, I told you, no playing soccer in the house.

Phil Weston: You did, you said it a lot.

Barbara Weston: Who did that?

Phil Weston: [pointing to Mark] He did.

The Tigers: HE DID!

Phil Weston: What? Nut'uh!

[the kids all descend upon him]

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Phil Weston: So when i took over for Coach Benson...

Clark: [interrupting] I hear he's a woman now!

[laughter from the party guests]

Buck Weston: Yeah.

Phil Weston: Actually uh, truth be told, *no one* knows where he is right now. A lot of people are... concerned.

[more laughter]

Phil Weston: I don't know *why* that's funny.

[applause]

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Phil Weston: OK, you caught me. The finches were a bad idea. And I wasn't gonna say anything, but I think some of them may have salmonella. A fair amount, in fact. I may have inadvertently poisoned your children.

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Phil Weston: All right, Tigers. Lets get ready to play, huh? I don't want to see any laziness here. If we win this we're in the finals. If we get a big lead, we gotta pummel these guys, pummel them at all costs. Dominate, and hammer them. I want you to play dirty, if you have to, but don't get caught. Byong Sun, stay low. Ok. That's easy for you. Just chop-block 'em in the back of the knee. That will work well. Ambrose, you're big. Don't be afraid to throw the elbow. If you break someone's collar bone, that's a good thing, that's what the medic's for. Otherwise he's just sittin' around. All right! You hear me!

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Mike Ditka: Way to go, Bing Bong!

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Phil Weston: What is that haunting aroma?

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Mike Ditka: [team is doing push-ups] If you guys were the Bears, I'd fine you $10,000 apiece.

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Phil Weston: Hey, I almost had you!

Buck Weston: What do you call that again, when you almost win? Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah... Losing!

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Phil Weston: [to Mark] How many sarcastic pills did you take this morning?

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Byong Sun: Whoo! It's electric in the air! Yeah!

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Ann Hogan: Byong-Sun is very shy - this book really helped us to deal with it, so you're probably gonna want to give it a glance.

Phil Weston: [reading title] My Child is Shy. Thanks.

[pause]

Phil Weston: I'm sorry, who's your son?

Donna Jones: Byong-Sun.

Phil Weston: Oh, I see.

[pause]

Phil Weston: Actually, I don't see, I'm sorry.

[realizing they are lesbians]

Phil Weston: Oh wait, now I see! Wow!

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Ann Hogan: We're at all the games, unlike a lot of the other parents.

Phil Weston: No no, not like the other parents at all! You're better than the other parents.

Ambrose's Dad: Oh, so they're better?

Phil Weston: No, they're different.

Donna Jones: What do you mean "different"?

Phil Weston: I mean, you're different because you're better.

Ambrose's Dad: How are they better?

Phil Weston: You're both better different... in a different but better way!

Ann Hogan: Uh, okay.

[she walks off with Donna]

Ambrose's Dad: It's a little early to start playing favorites, Phil.

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Byong Sun: [introducing himself] I'm Byong-Sun.

Phil Weston: Hi, Byong-Sun.

Byong Sun: I am a very kind person.

Phil Weston: Oh, that's sweet! Anything that relates to soccer?

Byong Sun: No sir.

Phil Weston: Well, maybe you and Ambrose can team up - he's big and you might form one megaperson.

[Ambrose gives him a dirty look]

Phil Weston: Okay, forget I just said that.

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Phil Weston: [to Barbara] My dad, he's a coach. He knows the game, he's confident, he's smart, witty, dynamic, vicious, brutal, vindictive, a monster! And he will win by intimidation and forceful tactics if need be. I'm not like that. I don't know anyone like that. Do you?

[quick cut to Ditka house]

Mike Ditka: So Paul, what's on your mind?

Phil Weston: Actually, it's Phil.

Mike Ditka: It's not Paul?

Phil Weston: No.

Mike Ditka: What's the difference? Spit it out.

[lights a cigar]

Diana Ditka: Mike?

Mike Ditka: Here, hold this.

[gives cigar to Phil]

Diana Ditka: Oh no! We do not allow smoking in the house!

Phil Weston: I'm sorry, Mrs. Ditka.

Diana Ditka: You should be.

Mike Ditka: [Phil hands back cigar] I'll get rid of it, honey!

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Donna Jones: [second lesbian extends her hand to Phil's, shaking it with a joltingly strong grip] Donna Jones. You can call me 'Chief.'

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Phil Weston: Looks who's here! I'll give you a hint - Hall of Fame, Chicago Bears...

Mark Avery: Sammy Sosa?

Mike Ditka: C'mon!

Phil Weston: Football... coached the 1986...

Mike Ditka: '85.

Phil Weston: Right, '85 Bears to Superbowl victory... it's Mike Ditka!

Mark Avery: Do you know Sammy Sosa?

Mike Ditka: Hey, zip it, kid!

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Sam Weston: Dad, you're getting a little creepy.

Phil Weston: I know, let's all bay at the moon.

Sam Weston: What?

Phil Weston: You know, howl at the moon... like this. Owwwwooooo... owooo... ow, ow, ow, ow, owwwoooo!

Neighbor: Shut up out there!

Phil Weston: You shut up in THERE!

[continues howling, and all the kids join in; momentarily, a pack of snarling dogs charge into the yard]

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Neighbor: SHUT UP OUT THERE!

Phil Weston: YOU SHUT UP IN THERE!

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Massimo: [after Sam keeps falling over] Mama Mia! You're a real DUFFER, you know?

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The Tigers: [winning team, shouting] Two, four, six, eight! Who do we appreciate?

Mike Ditka: Shut up, ya little rats!

Phil Weston: They're just showing their appreciation.

Mike Ditka: I don't care about appreciation, I just want to win a soccer game.

[throws down his clipboard and walks off]

Phil Weston: [picks it up] Can I have this?

Phil Weston: Sure.

Phil Weston: Alllllright!

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Phil Weston: [after Sam gets conked on the head with soccer ball] C'mon, Sam! Get the circulation back in your skull!

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Phil Weston: [crying to Ditka] I don't like coffee! It's a vasoconstrictor!

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Buck Weston: [to Phil] Be warned, muchacho! You're in the show, now!

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Phil Weston: [to Barbara] Mike Ditka scares me! Have you ever looked into his eyes? Or at his hair?

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Phil Weston: Are you a robot-woman? Are you a robot?

Barbara Weston: I am not a robot!

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Mike Ditka: Did you just kick your son?

Phil Weston: Yeah.

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Mike Ditka: New game plan - pass the ball to the EYEtalians!

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Phil Weston: [to Gian Piero and Massimo] Take the field. Taka the fielda.

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Phil Weston: This is Gian Piero and Massimo. They're apprentice butchers.

Mark Avery: Could the blacksmiths and candlestick makers not make it?

Mike Ditka: Shut up!

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Ann Hogan: Coach Ditka? Hi. Our son, Byong Sun, he's very shy, and we were wondering

[hands him a pad to autograph]

Mike Ditka: Sure, 'be happy to.

Ann Hogan: Thank you so much. It's Byong Sun

[spelling]

Ann Hogan: B-Y...

Mike Ditka: [autographing] I think I got it.

[hands it back to them]

Mike Ditka: Bye bye.

Mike Ditka: [to Phil, awkwardly] Just... a wonderful couple.

Ann Hogan: [looking at the autograph] What...

Donna Jones: "Bing Bong"?

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Mike Ditka: I eat quitters for breakfast and spit out their bones.

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[Phil, Barbara, and Sam arrive at Buck and Janice's home after the game]

Janice Weston: Hi, you guys!

Barbara Weston: Hi!

[hugs Janice]

Barbara Weston: Hi, Buck.

[she kisses him]

Buck Weston: Hey it's my two favorite people and Phil!

Phil Weston: Very funny, Dad. I've never heard that one before.

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Phil Weston: [Byong Sun uses a drinking cup to make popping noises] 'Scuse me... just... don't do that with the cup, okay?

[Byong Sun momentarily stops, embarrassed]

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Sam Weston: You gotta lighten up.

Phil Weston: He started it!

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Phil Weston: Every time you say something back to me, it makes me love you more!

Buck Weston: Heh.

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Sam Weston: How do you say pizza in Italian?

Gian Piero: Pizza!

Sam Weston: How do you say "spaghetti"?

Gian Piero: Spaghetti!

Ambrose: Italian's easy.

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Phil Weston: [on park pay phone with Umberto] I'm really getting sick and tired of this 'Meat Comes First' thing!

Party Guests: [singing] Happy Birthday to you! Happy...

Phil Weston: Quiet please! Shut up! I'm on the phone and you're not the only ones in the park!

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Mark Avery: Hey Buck, remember when we beat you at the championship game?

Buck Weston: Oh yeah, well remember the time when I shoved that kid into the pool?

[kicks Mark into the swimming pool]

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Phil Weston: Pizza at my house!

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Mike Ditka: Every good thing starts with a Brat!

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Phil Weston: [javelin drops just next to Barbara] Sorry. It's really windy!

Barbara Weston: [catching her breath] No it's not.

Phil Weston: It is over there.

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Sam Weston: Why are you whispering?

Phil Weston: For dramatic effect.

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Phil Weston: You step on this field, this is all about you. I mean, I'm not gonna be the one, staying up late at night, you know, punching a hole through the window. Or crying myself to sleep. Or wetting my bed. Okay? That's not gonna be me, 'cause I'm fine, I got my vitamin store to go back to. I'm gonna be just great. I'm gonna be great!

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Phil Weston: You either win, go on to greatness, or you lose, and probably face a series of cataclysmic events for the rest of your lives.

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Phil Weston: Hey, you just were served a plate of humiliation. How does that feel?

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Phil Weston: Losers! Losers! Losers!

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Phil Weston: I'm not like my old man, I'm a KIND and compassionate human BEING, with a HEART as big as a LION!

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Phil Weston: Okay guys, I only want winners out on the field. Who's a winner? I said WHO'S A WINNER? Everyone's hand should be up!

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Phil Weston: My heart rate is dangerously high right now!

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Referee: [replacing toupee on head] Very funny - alright, you all had a laugh?

Phil Weston: Sorry about that.

Forest Avery: Hey, how much do you think those things are?

Phil Weston: I have no idea.

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Forest Avery: Wow, what was that all about?

Phil Weston: Here's all I heard. The ref said-

[makes fart noise]

Phil Weston: -and my dad said-

[makes fart noise]

Phil Weston: -then, the ref said-

[makes fart noise]

Phil Weston: Any more questions? Hit the road.

[Forest awkwardly backs away]

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See also

Trivia | Goofs | Crazy Credits | Alternate Versions | Connections | Soundtracks

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